(a)

I put my hands behind my back. Pen & Fun & Pavilion www.biquge.info

You gently pull my hand forward. You say, "Open your palms?" ”

I opened my palms. You see the deep blood marks from my fingernails in the palm of my hand when I squeezed my fist hard 8 days ago. It has now turned into a faint purple spot.

You gently caress those purple spots.

You say, "Does it still hurt?" ”

I shook my head. I said, "It doesn't hurt anymore." ”

You say, "Pinching yourself so hard won't get me out of danger, nor will it get you out of despair." ”

You say, "If we want to solve a problem, we have to do it in the right way, not in the wrong way." ”

You say, "I've actually seen you all the time that afternoon, from the time they carried me to the ambulance." I saw you in your costume for the show, with a blush on your face and your eyebrows half-drawn, and you flew over from the little theater, holding on to the door frame and panting. I saw you crying at me in the ambulance. As I was wheeled into the emergency room, I saw you standing in the hallway with your fists clenched and bewildered. See your nails digging deep into the flesh of your palms. ”

I was surprised: "Turns out, you know everything. ”

You say, "What gets crushed and twisted is just my body and feelings." In my body and mind, there is always a clear presence. It never hurts, it doesn't mess up, and even if the body loses its function, it remains functional. You have to see it. ”

You say, "Xinxin, remember?" You've told me that you're willing to learn from me the kind of stability that can be maintained in any situation. You said you weren't afraid of hardship. ”

I said, "I remember." ”

You say, "Suffering refers not only to physical hardship, but also to mental suffering." We should not be afraid to experience the latter one. ”

I said, "So, what's the solution?" ”

You say, "What did you feel so bad about seeing me being pushed into the emergency room?" Heart? Or the palm? ”

I said, "Heart, of course." ”

You say, "It's the heart that is sad, why do you use your palms so hard?" ”

You say, "You should put that kind of effort into your heart." You should use such great strength to choke the sadness that is rising in your heart. You should choke it so that it doesn't get strong and control you. ”

I said, "Will that get you out of danger?" ”

You say, "Yes." When you can really hold back your sadness and not let it control you, when you can not be controlled by all kinds of mental turmoil, you will find that, in fact, there is no danger in the world that needs to be escaped. You can get me out of danger in this way. ”

You hold my open palm in the palm of your hand.

You say, "Xinxin, what we hold on to with all our strength will definitely be lost in the end, because our strength is limited, and we can't keep clenching our fists, and there will definitely be a time when our strength will be exhausted." ”

You say, "Let go of me." Let go of everything you're attached to. Loosen it and try it? ”

I said, "I'm ashamed every time. It's a shame that you can't put what you teach into practice, and it's really easier said than done because there is a disconnect between knowledge and action. ”

You say, "Keep training until you have the strength to do it." ”

You say, "There is no other way to be strong than through hard and constant training." ”

You say, "For me, too." ”

You say, "There is no detour in life that you need to take." There are no shortcuts. ”

(b)

Your mom wiped the sweat from your cheeks with a towel. She arranges the pillow you're leaning on to make it more comfortable.

You reach out and grab your mother's hand and put her hand on your cheek.

You kiss your mother's hand and put it on your heart.

Tears welled up in your mother's eyes. She held back her tears and didn't let it come out of her eyes.

She can clearly feel your heartbeat. The heartbeat is becoming steady and powerful.

You say, "Don't be sad, Mom. I'm fine. It's still a little painful, but it's out of the way. I was able to get better and be discharged from the hospital very quickly. ”

You say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I got out of control and picked up a gun and tried to shoot myself." I know that's too selfish. At that time, I only thought about myself, and I wanted the pain to stop immediately, even for a second. I didn't expect that this body was not owned by me alone. It also carries the happiness and hope of you and your father, the friendship and warmth of everyone, the affection of Wenli, and the billions of tiny creatures and their universe. It doesn't belong to me alone. I have no right to deal with it on my own, and no matter what happens, I should think of all that it carries, the obligations and responsibilities that it should bear. I know wrong. I will never think like that again. No matter what, I'll never touch a gun like that again. ”

You say, "I'm sorry for making you sad and frightening, Mom." ”

You say, "In this life, I have done many things badly, always making you frightened and worrying about me." ”

Your mother's tears finally can't hold back, and her tears roll down one by one and fall onto your arms.

She said, "Son, you didn't do anything wrong, you just hurt too much. Mom knows that you have endured as much as you can, but that is more than you can endure. You behaved well, you were strong and you were brave. Mom understands everything you do, and Mom is proud of you. You are a good boy and live up to the expectations we expect of you as parents. ”

She said: "It's just that seeing you hurt like that, suffering like that day and night, mother and son are connected, and mother's heart is really painful like a knife......." She couldn't go on.

You take the handkerchief from your mother's hand and gently wipe away her tears.

You say, "That's why I didn't want to tell you and Dad too soon." I can't bear to see you and Dad hurt like this because of me. ”

You say, "I may not be able to get rid of my physical pain now, but I don't want to prolong my parents' pain, even for a moment." ”

You say, "That's the only thing I can do for my mom and dad." ”

Your mom couldn't stop sobbing.

You say, "I know that a thousand words of comfort are not enough to calm the grief of your heart." Let me hug you again, Mom. ”

Your mom cries and hugs you tightly. She falls on your shoulder, tears pouring down her face.

You reach out and hug your mom tightly.

You say, "Dear Mother, I pass on my strength to you." I will always be with you. It will always give you the strength to keep going. ”

You say, "Do you feel the power I transmitted?" ”

You say, "I love you, Mom." ”

You say, "I know you will be strong." ”

Your mother is leaning on your shoulder with tears in her eyes.

She said, "Yes." Mom will be strong too. We should all stay strong. ”