When Sun Yuan heard the emperor ask, he hurriedly replied: "Before the minister entered Xiyuan just now, the generals in the army were still talking, and they didn't know what it was like in the palace. With the respect of the Son of Heaven of the Long Live Lord, he has to eat sesame oil and rice every meal, and work on weekdays, so that he must be a golden flat dan. ”

"Jin Biandan!" Emperor Chongzhen was stunned.

Several eunuchs behind the emperor were also shocked.

Sun Yuan knew that he suddenly laughed nervously just now, if someone was about to investigate, he would have to be in a lot of trouble. If you want to get past this level, you can only gag.

Although it is really not a human being to talk nonsense in front of the emperor, but my Sun Yuan is a martial artist, a martial artist, and he can be forgiven if he doesn't understand the rules.

"Your Majesty, the rough people in the countryside have no knowledge, they don't know the situation in the palace, and they think that Your Majesty eats with a golden rice bowl and works with a golden flat shoulder. There are many Henan soldiers in the Ningxiang army led by the minister, and there is a song in which it is said that Cao Cao, Emperor Wu of Wei, has the same trick as the emperor with Jin Bian. ”

Chongzhen was curious, and couldn't help asking, "What lyrics?" ”

"It's the Henan song "Guan Gong Ci Cao"."

"Isn't "Guan Gong Ci Cao" the content of the romance book, it shouldn't be true." Chongzhen: "Sun Yuan, you go on." ”

Sun Yuan: "This song sings about Cao Cao's pursuit of Guan Yu, and the ministers can't make a voice, so they don't dare to sing it, so read it to Your Majesty." ”

With that, he cleared his throat and read:

Cao Mengde shouted on his horse,

Second Brother Guan listened to me and ran away slowly

。

I don't treat you well in Xudu,

Dumplings and fried fritters for a meal.

Your sister-in-law Cao personally cooks and burns the stove,

On a cold day, I was only busy sweating.

You are tired of eating bacon with white flour buns,

I'll give you another pot of purslane buns.

Move the garlic mortar and pound the garlic juice,

Mix a scoop of shredded radish with sesame oil.

I have a heart for you,

I'm ...... if I have a bad idea."

The last two words "dick hair" were too vulgar, and Sun Yuan immediately came to his senses and closed his mouth.

This joke was very popular on the Internet back then, and Sun Yuan rolled on the ground with laughter when he saw it, and he was very impressed, so he still remembers it.

This kind of joke has long been familiar to people in later generations, and people who see it for the first time may laugh for a long time. But there are many similar things on the Internet, and it is not surprising that the laughter of netizens will be exercised higher and higher. encountered such a small clever little baggage, and everyone turned up the corners of their mouths and forwarded the matter.

But this is the Ming Dynasty, and according to Sun Yuan, the ancients actually still had humor cells. It's just that because of the means of communication, many jokes have not been developed. Take the popular "Xiaolin Guangji" as an example, Sun Yuan thinks it's nothing at all, some jokes are simply cold humor, and they are all bad street stories in later generations.

Once the popular Internet jokes in later generations were placed in the Ming Dynasty, they faced the ancients with very low laughter, and the lethality was ridiculous.

Sun Yuan's eyes were sharp, and after he finished the joke, he glanced at everyone out of the corner of his eye. saw that the faces of several eunuchs behind Chongzhen turned red at a speed visible to the naked eye, and some people's bodies even trembled slightly.

Obviously, I wanted to laugh but didn't dare to laugh, and it was extremely hard to hold back.

Chongzhen said: "What am I with the slightest idea...... The lyrics are vulgar and boring...... Unorthodox

。 With that, he frowned and glanced at the eunuch beside him.

Sun Yuan's heart sank, and he said secretly: Oops, this joke can't even be done Chongzhen, damn, it's a big loss of honor for me to do this, if the official knows, an impeachment fold comes up, and my Sun Yuan will be unlucky. This is self-defeating, lifting a stone and shooting yourself in the foot.

was glanced at by the emperor, and the eunuchs were silent.

Then, Chongzhen snorted, pointed at a few eunuchs and scolded: "Dog slave, you can laugh if you want to, what do you do like this, isn't Sun Aiqing's joke good...... Ha ha! Suddenly, Chongzhen laughed indulgently: "Haha, haha, interesting, interesting, I think that Cao Mengde is also a masterpiece of the moment, in order to keep Guan Yu, he actually asked Sister-in-law Cao to cook herself, and also ate white flour buns with bacon...... Haha, sister-in-law Cao, this Guan Yu eats better than me......"

"Poof!" Several eunuchs couldn't hold back any longer, and at the same time bent down, the flowers and branches trembled, and some even laughed with tears in their eyes.

Someone gasped and shouted, "Long live my lord, my long live lord, the slave is about to die, and I can't breathe with laughter!" ”

"Giggles, it's also King Wu of Wei, why is the meal so unparticular, and the dumplings are fritters, it's really funny to the old slave."

……

For a while, the hall was filled with the sharp laughter of the eunuchs.

Seeing that Emperor Chongzhen was directly made to hold the pillar by his own jokes, his eyes were full of tears, Sun Yuan's heart was relieved: It's done, this level has finally passed. Ahem, I really thought that this Chongzhen lacked humor cells!

After laughing for a long time, when Emperor Chongzhen and the others were better, Sun Yuan pretended to be embarrassed: "Your Majesty, the ministers are from Han background, vulgar people, unorthodox, and I hope to forgive my sins." ”

"Alright, alright." Chongzhen couldn't stop wiping his tears and said, "Sun Yuan, I didn't expect you to tell a good joke." I've been tired for the past few days, and I just feel refreshed after listening to your jokes...... Flutter ......"

After laughing a few more times, he forcibly held back, his face was twisted into a ball, and he said to a eunuch behind him: "I heard Sun Qing's joke just now, and I actually hooked out slander worms for dumplings, fritters, and white flour buns with bacon." ”

After speaking, he sighed: "I got up early today, and by now, I have not stuck to my teeth, and I am really hungry." Bring some, I'll use it

。 ”

The eunuch hurriedly said, "Yes, the slave and maid will go to pass the meal." ”

After the eunuch retreated, Chongzhen sat back in the imperial case: "Sun Yuan." ”

"The minister is here." Sun Yuan hurriedly straightened his body, knowing in his heart that Emperor Chongzhen and his edict had officially begun.

Chongzhen: "Sun Qing, I remember that when you were in the seventh year of Chongzhen, you received my holy decree to escort the thief Kou Gao Yingxiang into Beijing to offer prisoners, and later served as a general of the Bohai Institute in Xuanfu Town, and stayed in Jinggi. Counting Chongzhen's seven years of Jiannu's entry into the Kou, plus this time, you have fought countless battles with Jiannu, if you talk about Dongyi, you should know very well. ”

Sun Yuan hurriedly said: "Your Majesty, Chongzhen has fought one with the Jiannu Ashan Department in the seventh year, plus two battles in Huangcun, Botou and Jinan, and has fought five battles. I don't know anything about Dongyi, but I still know a little bit about the enemy's situation. ”

"Ah, five battles have been fought, and all of them have been won." Chongzhen sighed.

Sun Yuan said modestly: "Your Majesty won the award, in the battle of Huangcun, although the minister attacked the Ao worship department, but it was just a partial division of Jiannu, and strategically speaking, my Ming Dynasty lost; As for the minister's later battle with Duoduo in Jinan, to be honest, it was indeed a draw, and the minister did not dare to take credit. ”

"Qing doesn't need to be humble, isn't the siege of Jinan solved, even the slave chief Yue Tuo was beheaded by you, just for this credit, it has made me feel very relieved." Chongzhen nodded and said, "Since the year of the Apocalypse to the present, I don't know how many fights I have fought with Jiannu. Actually, I am still ignorant about the situation in Jianzhou, Sun Yuan, you can probably talk about it. ”

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Sun Yuan responded, sorted out the thoughts in his mind, cleared his throat again, and began to speak: "...... Jiannu respected the Jurchens of the Song Dynasty as their ancestors, and the slave chief Nuerhachi also set the pseudo-country name as gold. In fact, as far as the minister knows, Jiannu has nothing to do with the Jurchens in the Song Dynasty. The ancestors of Jiannu were the savages of Tunguska in the far north...... Tunguska is thousands of miles away from Liaodong, the ice and snow do not melt all the year round, the climate is extremely harsh, and because the natural conditions are extremely harsh, there is no way to feed too many people, only the strong can survive. Therefore, Jiannu is extremely fierce. ”

Emperor Chongzhen said "oh": "It turns out that Jiannu is a wild man from the extreme north, tell me how they are fierce, how do they compare with our Ming people?" He interrupted Sun Yuan's words.

Sun Yuan smiled bitterly, shook his head and replied: "Your Majesty, before Jiannu occupied Liaodong, they all made a living from fishing and hunting, and they were elite in the department, and they could see meat at three meals a day, and their bodies were extremely strong. On the contrary, our Ming people are all farming people, coarse tea and light rice, and they can stick a little meat during the New Year, which naturally cannot be compared with the strong Jiannu

。 If you really talk about the combat ability of individual soldiers, one Jiannu can be worth five or six border troops of the Ming Dynasty, especially the elite Balaya soldiers, all of whom are ten enemy soldiers. ”

Chongzhen and a few eunuchs around him were a little unconvinced: "Keep talking." ”

The wry smile on Sun Yuan's face was even stronger: "Your Majesty, the minister and Jiannu have fought five battles, so they naturally know it." Your Majesty must know about the standard weapons of my border army. ”

Chongzhen nodded: "I understand that the border army equipment is all made by the Ministry of Industry." ”

Sun Yuan: "Take the Yanling knife in the hands of the border army, it is three feet long and weighs three catties." ”

"That's right, it's the format."

Sun Yuan: "A three-foot-long knife weighs three catties, which is also very light, but after a recruit enlists in the army, if he wants to fight the enemy with a big knife with one hand on the battlefield, he also has to go through long-term training. Some soldiers with a body like a soldier will dance the knife with one hand for only a moment, and their right hand will be too weak to lift. ”

Chongzhen exclaimed in surprise: "My soldiers are so weak, and they can't dance with a three-pound knife?" ”

Sun Yuan replied: "Fifteen or sixteen-year-old dolls were drafted into the army, with thin arms and legs, and they had to train for at least three or two months before they could go to the battlefield before they could use knives to fight the enemy. ”

Chongzhen was a little frustrated, and asked again: "What about Jiannu?" ”

Hearing the emperor ask, Sun Yuan's face was a little heavy: "Your Majesty, the minister has also captured some weapons of Jiannu. Jiannu went into battle, mostly using heavy long weapons, hammers, axes, sticks, guns, and great strength, once our Ming army encountered, it was almost a touch of collapse. Weapons such as sledgehammers and sticks weigh up to 20 pounds, and if they are swept away, no matter how thick the armor you are wearing or holding a shield, you will be directly smashed to the ground, or even swept away. Let's talk about one-handed weapons, the minister has a Jiannu sword in his hand, four feet long, two fingers thick, and weighs more than ten catties. In that battle, the minister saw Jiannu wielding this sword with his own eyes, directly opening the shield in the hands of a Ming soldier, and directly slashing him in two. ”

Sun Yuan swallowed a mouthful of saliva: "If it is replaced by my Daming border sergeant, the same weapon, with one sword, will cut the armor on the enemy's body at most, but it is impossible to cut it in two." ”

"Ah, that's ...... So ......" Chongzhen and the eunuchs all took a breath of cold air at the same time, and their faces turned pale.

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