【Haruka】

I am an outcast. I remember that day my father said that he didn't want to raise me as a child, but if I was left behind, all those younger siblings would starve to death. Dad said that the family has eaten all the things at home, and it should be exhausted, but even this is not enough for the whole family to eat. Dad said that now the world is not peaceful, and there is about to be a military disaster, and if there is a real war, maybe the whole family will starve to death under this wall. Dad said, if you can run one is one, if you can live one is one, our father and son are the two roots of this family, as long as one can be left, it will be an eye-opener. Dad said, now I don't want to hire long-term workers, do short-term work and often can't get paid, every time you let your mother with a lot of younger brothers and sisters starving, Dad said, he is a man, a man, is a man, but he is not literate, no ability, can not feed a family. Dad said that he was most sorry for me, and he said that if he became a soldier in the future, he would find me back when he got the first month's monthly money, and buy me a meal of meat. Finally, my father took out a small bag wrapped in rags and stuffed it into my hand, and my father said that this was the last money in the family, and he said, if the money is used up, if there is really no way, then find someone who is willing to adopt you and follow his surname.

Even when I was finally sent out, my father's face was still like a dark cloud, he was a very strong person, even if the little young master accidentally spilled hot water on his face in the big household where he worked last time, he only wiped it with cold water without saying a word, even if every time under the dim oil lamp, my mother and I carefully touched the scars all over his body on the battlefield, he just smiled honestly, saying that he still felt it when he was first cut by a knife, but then he forgot about it. Although he had to send me, the eldest boy in the family, out of the house, he wouldn't shed a single tear for it.

My mother is always crying. Every figure she left in my memory will secretly wipe away tears, when my father was beaten by the housekeeper of the big family with thugs because he couldn't get paid to go to the theory, when he was tired of twisting his waist and couldn't get up because he was carrying sandbags, when he was caught by those fierce and vicious servants to substitute for military service, when there was only a small half bowl of broken rice in the rice urn at home, when he was always wearing the clothes I had worn for a long time, but he was competitive and fighting with the children who laughed at him, When I was still a big part of the tuition fee for my husband in private school, my sister always looked at the small flower cloth on the stall opposite, and then looked at her with a blank eye, and took us to the street during the New Year's holidays to see those dazzling food but could only salivate desperately. But in my memory, my mother has only shed tears in front of us once, and that is when my father, who was wearing a torn soldier's uniform and still bleeding from the wound, pushed open the door and walked in step by step, it was the only time my mother shed tears in front of us, and it was the only time she cried so sadly. I didn't understand why my father had already come back, and my mother was still crying so sadly, but when I saw that he was still exhausted with injuries and flattery, he was still flattering and accompanied by his mother's side who kept wiping tears, I seemed to understand something.

In the past, the blind mother-in-law would always tell us children, who never seemed to grow up, that Gaul was a country of many calamities, and that if anyone stayed here, disaster would one day. I don't believe it, then why are so many people still staying here, like Cao Zhu'er, her home is in the back row of my house, we are friends who have played together since childhood.

When I saw that the children were so fascinated by what they were listening to, that I was the only one who hid and kept sneering, the blind mother-in-law gently knocked me on the head with the cane made of elm that had not left her hand all day, and pulled me aside while I was still in pain, and told me secretly that there was a very, very beautiful country where the sun was rising, and that things there were a hundred thousand times better than what I saw in Gaul now, and that no one could tell how much food was there, and no one could tell how much was there, and no one could tell how prosperous it was. She also said that if you can go to that place in the future, you can help her see her hometown, that little village that is like a paradise

But I probably won't go to Da Zhou again, where the bustle and hustle and bustle, that small village in a paradise, seem to have all left me in an instant. I was leaving, like a premature, leaf that had drifted into the river rippled in a slightly trembling ripple, not knowing where I was or where I would eventually drift away. Perhaps my life was already predestined by that God, I remember the aunt next door who delivered me said that as soon as I fell to the ground, my father's brow wrinkled for some reason, and even the big fat boy, a happy event for every family in Gaul, seemed to lose its attraction to him. Dad said that this baby cries too loudly and spreads too far, which is not a good thing. Another midwife who came to help was already close her mouth next to her, she said, crying loudly, that means that the baby's life is good, milk is sufficient, good life, in the future, the quasi-security will grow into a handsome young man, you just wait for the matchmaker from ten miles and eight towns to come to your door to propose marriage. Dad's brows furrowed even tighter, and he didn't know what to remember. The mother lying on the bed gasped weakly and said, let's give the baby a name. Dad looked at me hesitantly, shook his head again, and finally closed his eyes and said, then call it Yao, Yaoyao. The midwife, who knew some words, was stunned for a moment, and looked at her father, who had not been very good-looking, with some caution, and said, this name is not very good. Dad said that this was originally a place of right and wrong, far away from here, safe. The midwife said that at that time, my father's voice was hoarse, as if he had suddenly aged ten years.

Haruka, that's my name, the name of a child destined to wander far away. My mother has always loved me, every time there is something delicious, she will always secretly leave a small piece for me, although she doesn't understand the meaning of my father's frowning brow that day, but she is always afraid that I will really be sent away one day, and I can no longer stay with her. Although many families who are difficult to maintain because of the war have given their children to those big families who have no heirs in the royal capital as stepsons, no matter how carefully she supports this stormy family, she also knows in her heart that what should come is still coming.

The night before leaving, she held me tightly in her arms, didn't say a word, just sobbed softly in the dark, and my father kept turning over, I knew he wasn't asleep, he just didn't want me to know that he hadn't slept yet, maybe he was just afraid that he was still awake, afraid that he would leave me behind again because of a moment of soft-heartedness, or maybe he was just regretting why he had made such a foolish decision when he was so awake.

A drop of warm, moist liquid fell on my face, slowly falling down my face and into my lips, licking and licking, it was a bitter salty taste. I have always been a stubborn child, I will never admit defeat and not let myself shed even a single tear, but at that time, how I wished I could shed a tear, I could feel the swelling of my eyes, I could feel the pain in my nose, but I never thought that I was going to shed tears, maybe, I would not shed tears, or maybe, I just didn't know who to shed tears for.

My mother finally couldn't hold back her tears, and she touched my face over and over again as if she was afraid that she would never see me again, as if she wanted to carve me into a mold and put it in her heart. Daddy's rollover stopped, and I could hear the young, strong heart beating against the scarred chest like a drum, and I suddenly had the illusion that Daddy was crying, he just didn't want me to see him, to see his pride and pride in belonging to a man shattered by tears, even though there was no moonlight in the sky, even though the room was dark and there were no fingers.

But I still saw the quilt trembling slightly, and the heavy breathing that seemed to be trying to suppress it. Is Dad really crying? I was stunned, as if the hand reaching out in that direction seemed to touch something, and the touch as if it had touched a piece of iron disappeared in the next moment, as if my father had never been lying there, only the warmth of my fingertips wrapped in the nothingness that was gradually cooling.

The old wooden door creaked open, and a vague shadow walked out of the doorway, "I'll go and relieve myself," the words were still as calm as usual as the wind pouring in from outside the door, only the slightly choked tone seemed to be different from usual. Dad is such a person, he will never expose the slightest weakness in front of others, even if it has been deeply hidden in his heart, even in front of my mother and me. Several younger brothers and sisters quietly got up and gathered around me.

"Brother, do you really want to leave?" The youngest sister, Rika, rubbed her eyes and timidly squeezed in front of me to lean against me, as she did every day. I nodded, and held her in my arms, she was very light, very light, she was just a child who had not grown up, because there was not enough food, so it always seemed to give people a feeling of weakness, even now I was held in my arms and still seemed to be holding a ball of cotton as if it was weightless, she was very small, small can always hide behind others, the small one will always be ignored, and she is very quiet, among several younger siblings, only she likes to hide quietly on the side to read, write, unlike a few younger brothers who are naughty, Every time, I can't wait to pluck the moon in the sky and look at it. She was born in a season when the pear blossoms fell, with the last wisp of incense blowing, the dense white flowers on the branches fell all over the courtyard, she was also born in that quiet and serene atmosphere, it seems that the surname of God, she has never spoken, except for the mother, several children and he said the most is me.

She wrapped her slender wrist around my neck tightly, and the other hand groped around her body as if she was looking for something, until she pulled out a smooth and round fluorite, the faint fluorescence seemed to be as fragile as if it would be broken by the darkness at any time, but it made people feel pity, the cyan fluorite was like a small firefly flapping its wings, and it seemed to be a magic stone that was pregnant with some elves. Perhaps she was more fragile than the stone that glowed with a faint light. I remember when I went to the hill not far away to cut a sickle, she always stared at me with that kind of gaze that seemed to melt people, and even without looking back, I knew that her eyes must be full of worry. She was always afraid that I would cut my hand with that heavy wood knife, she was always worried that each and every one of us would be hurt, but she never thought of herself, until one day, when I polished this fluorite found by chance at the bottom of the river to see the glimmer of light, I used a red thread to tie it to her slender wrist, I remember that day it was the season when the pear blossoms bloomed, she was wearing a large dress that could almost cover her whole body, and the pale wrist was tied with the shining fluorite, It seems that even the emaciated face has a faint flush. It was probably the first gift she received, maybe it was a gift that could be called a gift, and in the custom of the Han people, every birth would be a gift from the whole family, a blessing from the whole family, but in Gaul, she would become happy for a gift that no one else looked down on, and she would become happy.

I re-tied her wrist and carefully tied a knot at the point where it was broken, so that it wouldn't break earlier, and the fluorite held in the middle by the two knots would be by my side all the time.

"When are you coming back," even if I couldn't see his face clearly, I knew that my brother, who was only a year younger than me, must have a lazy expression on his face, should I say that he and I had a bad relationship in the first place, or should I say that he has always been unconvinced of me. He couldn't get used to the way I came back every day from chopping wood with a heavy bundle of firewood, and he had to be competitive in everything, even if he was younger than me, he still wanted to follow my example. The first time he held the firewood knife, he injured his hand, and when he saw his mother in distress and disinfect him with soju, the other brothers and sisters all shed tears, only he pouted his mouth with a nonchalant look, as if he didn't take it seriously at all, looked at the powder that was pouring out of the medicine grinder, and pretended to be a big person and said: "I don't need this kind of thing, just wrap the cloth directly." ”

I remember laughing at the time, this guy likes to be ingenious in everything he does, even if he uses soju to eliminate poison, if he doesn't take medicine, the wound will still fester, and his mother patted him lightly, as if he was very unhappy: "If you don't take medicine, don't eat today!" My brother was not convinced and wanted to say something, but after being glared back by my father, he didn't dare to say anything more, so he obediently asked me to pour the medicine. He immediately began to scream as if I was cutting his flesh, and even my mother kept complaining about me, only my father saw his ghost thoughts, slapped his buttocks, and glared: "Call you disobedient!" If you don't take a firewood knife, you have to follow, if you scream again, I will punish you for not being allowed to enter this house for a day! ”

My younger brother has been beaten by his father since he was a child, and he doesn't take his father's threat seriously at all, anyway, every time he is always protected by his mother, no matter how naughty he is, he will not be severely punished. It was probably from then that he kept me in his heart, wishing that I would become a younger brother and that he would be happy to be an older brother. Usually he wouldn't talk to me at all, but now he stared straight at me, as if he wouldn't let me go if I didn't give him a clear answer, I smiled good-naturedly, this guy, no matter what he does, is so straightforward, he won't even say a word of convincing.

"It's going to be a long time, but I'll definitely be back," I already knew what kind of lies to use to deal with these children who hadn't grown up yet, and I tried to keep the smile on my face from being too stiff, and what surprised me even more was that there was a trace of care hidden in his tone, and I couldn't help but laugh again, didn't this little guy usually wait for me to leave so that he could become the head of that group of younger brothers and sisters, and then call for wind and rain to be his child king, why did he suddenly remember to care about me now?

"Here's a bag for you," he shoved into my hand a bag of things wrapped in oiled paper that had been hidden behind him, and swaggered off the kang as he had come, and even as he pushed the door open so hard that the sound between the opening and closing of the broken door became louder, I could still make out his suppressed crying.

Sure enough, he's just a kid. I gently wiped away the tears of my younger brothers and sisters who were leaning on my arms, and said to them in a very soft voice, I want to go to the most beautiful place in the world, I want to go to the most prosperous place in the world, where there are countless Han people, and they will make all kinds of delicacies, even the stars in the sky will not be compared, and I must bring them back in the future.

But I found that gradually their attention was no longer on me, and I suddenly smelled the fragrance of something, although I was not too hungry, but the fragrance was so tempting that even I could not control it, and I saw that the eyes of my younger siblings fell on my hands, as if there was something delicious in my hands that made them look at them intently.

Only then did I realize that they were staring greedily at an oil packet, which my brother had just stuffed into my hand, and when I opened it, it turned out to be two egg cakes. I couldn't help but swallow my saliva, the taste of eggs, I seemed to only taste when I was sick, but when I saw my brother and sister couldn't help but stretch out their hands, I stopped again.

"Don't move!" The mother slapped their hands away together, "That's what Hu'er gave your eldest brother to eat on the road, why are you still so ignorant" I couldn't help pushing the egg cake into my mother's hand anymore, and I took a few steps to the door and gulped in the cold air, I didn't dare to stay in front of them, I didn't dare to let my mother see my sad appearance, I was afraid that I would want to stay, I tried my best to make my nose no longer sour, I tried my best to stop the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't calm my heart.

I don't know why, my father's burly and sturdy body stood behind me, and he hesitated for a while as if he wanted to say something before he wiped his eyes and asked, "When are you leaving?" ”

"Tonight," I replied in a voice that only I could hear, and then walked out of the house without looking back, ignoring my mother's desperate crying behind my back. (To be continued.) )