The whole hotel has become unquestionably our world.

There is wine today, drunk today, and sorrow tomorrow comes.

We're going to get drunk, and it's going to flood tomorrow!

-

-

By the time I woke up, the whole hotel had fallen silent. The lobby is still bright, and the lights sting the eyes. The guests staggered to and from their chairs, on the table, on the floor, on the sofa, and the servants hid and watched them, talking as they watched, and when they saw me awake, they stopped talking and looked at me.

I thought about it for a long time before I realized where I am now. This is no longer a village I am familiar with, and I am not a child from the previous village, I arrived in Chang'an, looking forward to the unknown future.

I don't know what time it is, I don't know how long it will be until dawn.

Despite the splitting headache, I walked out of the hotel with a wine jar in my left hand and a wine bowl in my right.

-

-

The hustle and bustle of Xi'an County is empty.

Looking up, I swear I've never seen such a brilliant starry sky in my life.

The vast white Tianhe River cuts the entire sky from northeast to southwest. The Big Dipper points directly to the North Star across the vast Milky Way. The shallow lower moon hangs in the east, and under the crescent moon are the houses illuminated by the stars, and Venus lies between the moon and the houses. I really want to climb up to the dwellings, step on Venus, climb up to the moon, leave this damn world, and never come back.

The so-called universe is a collection of infinite space and infinite time. Above me was the infinite universe, and beneath my feet was this small, ephemeral world.

Everyone looks at the same starry sky, and the same starry sky becomes different in everyone's eyes. Some people think that the stars are nothing more than fireflies, some people think that the stars are torches, some people think that the stars are the eyes of God, some people think that the stars are the souls of people, and many more people never care what the stars are, and I would even dare say that they never look up at this vast starry sky.

The fungus does not know the obscurity, and the cockroach does not know the spring and autumn.

How many years have passed, even the constellations have changed shape, and the world is no longer recognizable. A book I read says that the stars overhead are nothing more than the wreckage of the stars. When you look up at the stars, you don't really see anything. You can pretend to look up at the stars and pretend to feel something, but that's pointless.

-

-

Dad always said, don't say, don't say.

First, you don't understand. If you want to be clear, you need to get to know people and then let them know you. You have to understand the other person's experience, and you both have the same concept. And everyone is an "individual", and it is impossible for individuals to communicate with each other – because that's the definition of "individual"!

Especially for weirdos like me, my concepts are very inconsistent with other people's concepts. I have never been able to understand why we should be loyal to the royal family or the main family, why we are not allowed to own land and property, why the royal family and the nobles can take the life and death of the commoners, and why the only way for the commoners to break away from their own class is to go to the palace.

The problem is that I can't understand it, and all people in this world do. They all rejoiced that this world should be like this, that the prosperity would last forever, and that every article of the King James Law would be perfect and eternal.

They pointed at my nose and said, "Why are you so stupid?!" ”

……

Second, if you make it clear, the world is meaningless.

For example, I thought about it for a long time, but I felt bored when I figured it out.

Loyalty and morality are a tradition, and tradition has no morality, it is only profit. Of course, this interest is not an individual interest, it is the common interest of both parties, and it is not good or bad at all.

Affection and love are a kind of biologically evolved self-deception, a false sense of self that the god of the underworld awards to living beings. Mothers love people, just as a loves puppies; A talented and beautiful woman is like a male dog chasing a female dog on the street.

All positive terms are aspects of the same thing, and all derogatory terms are aspects of another thing, and I would venture to say that perhaps they are also two sides of the same thing.

As you analyze these concepts more and more thoroughly, you will feel that you have lost faith in the world.

Sadly, these concepts are all mixed up. For example, you are either loyal to royalty and love, or you are rebelling against royalty and love, and you can't be loyal only to love and not to royalty.

Everyone pointed at my nose and said, "Why are you so stupid?!" ”

……

-

-

I felt so depressed that I wanted to go crazy with myself and concentrate on the rest of my life.

I picked up the jug and filled the bowl.

The first bowl.

I said to myself, "I salute you for a bowl, to your chaotic life, to your unwillingness." ”

I drank it all.

Cold as ice.

I think of countless days and nights, dawns and dusks, love and hate, right and wrong. I'm always unwilling, I'm always complaining, I'm always feeling special. I've done so many stupid things, some unintentionally, some intentionally.

When I was very young, I used to be very satisfied with myself and the world: how lucky I was, I became me, the son of my father and my mother, the people of the Ming Dynasty, a member of the prosperous world, learned beautiful square characters, and had great emperors and beautiful queens.

-

-

I picked up the jug and filled the bowl.

Second bowl.

I said to myself, "A bowl to you, to your strange thoughts, may you understand yourself." ”

The residual temperature remains.

I feel like the wrong things I did were done for a purpose, whether I knew it or not. I'm always thinking, being ridiculed, being called mentally ill. Almost none of the things I thought about came true. But I'm going to do it anyway.

I've done a lot of wrong things.

I stole my father's money to go out to play, I secretly drank my father's wine, I made trouble everywhere in the village, and even used to steal incense from the temple. Once, my dad locked me in the house and wouldn't let me out. I burned the wooden door and ran out. The villagers hurriedly put it out, and when my father came back, he beat me, so much so that I lay on the kang for a month. However, no matter what I say, I never regret it, I always make mistakes.

-

-

I picked up the jug and filled the bowl.

The third bowl.

I said to myself, "A bowl to you, to your fate." ”

My heart is hot.

If I knew I was wrong, why would I do it? Maybe there's another possibility that I might think I'm right in my heart.

I've come to Dijing, and I've surpassed the million people in my hometown. I'm drinking here sadly, and their wives and children are hot at home.

I can honestly say without hesitation that I have no regrets and that I am free to go to my destination.

Maybe I'm right.

Once, Zhao Daleo robbed one of our pigs, we raised it for a year, and we relied on it for the New Year. Zhao Daleo said: "You are a household and actually raise pigs, this is a capital crime!" Dad said, "Forget it, you should not raise it." "But I'm not going to give up! I dangled around his door with a knife every night and teased his little grandson. Zhao Dalein had three choices, either watch his grandson die, kill me, or send my pig back. Someone said, "This guy is scary." I looked him in the eye and said, "Look into my eyes and see if I'm scary?!" "Finally he coaxed and obediently sent our pig back.

-

-

I picked up the jug and filled the bowl.

Fourth bowl.

I said to myself, "A bowl of toast to you, for a change of your fate." ”

There was no pain.

I don't think there is such a thing.

If I really had my destiny, I would never admit it. I can't bear to take myself step by step towards my inevitable fate.

If I really had my destiny, I would rather die than change it, for better or for worse. The bad will be made good, and the good will be bad. I don't want the fate you gave me!

I have smashed temples more than once to the point that people think that our little temple has angered the gods. I guess I've been spurned by God, and he probably won't pay attention to me anymore.

The only way to do this is to give up. To truly give up is to give up on yourself.

There is only sacrifice. The real sacrifice is self-sacrifice.

-

-

I picked up the jug and filled the bowl.

Fifth bowl.

I said to myself, "A bowl to you, the chosen one." ”

Faith.

I know that I am no one else, I am who I am. If fate favors someone else, I won't accept it. If someone else is a chosen one, I won't admit it.

Because I am I, I will be the chosen one.

After so many years, I have done so many things, I have had so many dreams, that reality and dreams are indistinguishable, but they have all given me the belief that I am different. After so many years, all these things, these dreams, all are forgotten, and only that belief remains: I am different.

I'm different.

-

-

I picked up the jug and filled the bowl.

Sixth bowl.

I said to myself, "A bowl to you." All things are false, and only action is real. ”

Let's go.

I've done enough, I've thought enough. I have put in so much effort and paid so much price, and I will no longer think about it, no longer do useless things, do not consider any false concepts, and from now on only myself.

In this silvery white world, in this lonely night, in this howling north wind, in this bone-chilling cold, in this endless sleepiness, I licked my blood alone.

Born and died, born to die.

-

-

The sky is white, revealing the black outline of the earth.

Mars is gone, and the Moon is hidden in the sky.

I heard the sound of the sun rising over the earth, whistling and piercing my headache.

By the time I had drunk the last glass of wine, by the time dawn was the only bit of attachment I had to this world.

Facing this half-white, half-black world, I felt absolute freedom.

I am me.