I remember the first time I met me, when I heard my name, he said "water is shining", but in fact, the real meaning of my name is far less poetic.

According to my father, in the year I was born, the weather in the south of the Yangtze River was very bad, an unprecedented freezing rain, so that the Great Song Dynasty countryside was barren, ten rooms and nine empty, beggars were in full swing, and the displaced people were everywhere, and I was fortunate to see a picture scroll created according to that scene in the seventh month of July, on the day when Chongwen Institute exposed calligraphy and painting, under the continuous eaves, hanging with long ice ridges, a pair of swallows standing quietly on the roof, in the surrounding ice, they hugged each other's bodies tightly, blurred my eyes.

This is also why, I have never been pleasing to the ancestors, the ancestors believed, regarded me as unknown, even bothered to give me a name, and then Qin Tianjian said to his father, my child, on the third toe of the right foot, there is a red birthmark, stepping on the evil star, should not be born in the royal family, if you want to turn the word more life, you have to give a lowly name, this, Sticky Han and I have a similar experience, Sakai in Sticky Han was just born, also worried that his son would not live long, so he gave him a small character, called Bird Slave.

At that time, the dripping water turned into ice, and even the surface of the lake froze into the shape of ripples, and the father pondered for a moment and said, "Since this is the case, let's call it Hanyi." ”

In fact, I am very satisfied with this name, but I think that other princesses, such as "Fu" and "Jin", are very cheesy, at that time my father was not yet in the world, the world only knew that he was the most unpopular ninth son Kang Wang in the royal family, my younger brother Zhao Yang, my mother-in-law and mother are all alive, and my father and emperor did not call my name as in the future, a mouthful of "my son", although sometimes it is inevitable to be coldly looked at, but the life is very happy.

It wasn't until I was five years old that my father was ordered to receive the envoy of the Jin Kingdom, and I entered the palace with him for the first time, and I felt the special nature of my identity, I stood cramped and restless, and showed a timid gaze to the person who looked down on everything, and forgot all about the etiquette that my father told me before entering the palace, Zujun was full of disgust, frowned, and then said to my father in disgust: "She is still alive, you are really capable." ”

I was still looking down to think about the meaning of this sentence, Zujun had stepped down from the throne, approaching me step by step, my father's expression became more and more nervous, he looked at Zujun with wide eyes, his hands were clenched, his fists trembled, just at the moment when Zujun's outstretched hand was about to touch me, I exclaimed, dodged and hid behind my father, and my father immediately protected me tightly, poof, knelt in front of Zujun, and shouted in a voice close to pleading: "Father......"

"Really...... It's unruly like you. ”

Zujun shook his sleeves and left angrily, so I was a will, detained in the Yiluan Division to learn the rules, at that time the Hu bed chair spread in the streets and alleys, the place where the people sat down, there was not much left, even in the official celebration of the palace, there was no requirement to sit upright, but the grandmother who taught me often let me kneel on the top of the bowl and carry the pot, called the cultivation of the mind, I could sit for several hours, and my legs did not feel numb, all at that time, was * out.

I began to realize that my father had been so fond of me that he had never asked me to do the morning and dusk meditation that was a son of man, and that I had received a love that no princess could have since before I became a princess.

At that time, I still had a trace of illusion that my ancestor's attitude towards me could change, and I always felt that I was his granddaughter after all, and that there was still a family affection that blood was thicker than water, until he ordered me to be whipped and put me in prison, and then I was absolutely naïve in my thoughts.

Later, when I recalled this past to Jin Wushu, he was stunned, I didn't understand, I just danced, why did I provoke Zujun Longyan to be angry, I said to him coldly: "My captured aunts and sisters, you must be no stranger, you let them play the orchestra, the pipa and the zither may still be at your fingertips, but if you seriously appreciate their dancing, they must be dancing in the same style, you think they have always been dressed and eaten on weekdays, and they have to take a ride before they go out three steps, so they can maintain a good figure, It's not easy to do it, how can I dance as well as I do. ”

In the eyes of the ancestors, the maiko is not separated, and the daughter of the royal family should be the kind of person who wraps her feet into a three-inch golden lotus, and her manners are stable and moderate, if she dances, isn't it like a woman in a green house who shows off her demeanor, or a clown dwarf on the street, and loses the dignity of the royal family?

I was lying on the cold prison ground, the whip marks on my body were eye-catching, I was sure that the ancestor wanted me to die, but my life was hard, and I survived.

I opened my eyes, my consciousness gradually cleared up, and found my father kneeling in front of me, he touched my face distressedly, tears rained down, I looked at him aggrievedly, and asked in a hoarse voice: "Why, he...... Isn't it my ancestor?"

"Your Majesty was built from Genyue, and there are many children, and the father is incompetent, and he cannot be ...... the Sacred Heart"

The thick water of the wound trickled down my skin, and my father faced my bare back, his hand holding the medicine trembling in the air, not knowing where to go.

I turned around and said lightly, "I see...... The love of parents will be divided...... Do you love me a little more, or do you love your brother a little more? ”

"Yi'er ......"

My father didn't expect me to ask this question, and he was stunned on the spot.

After a long time, he spoke: "For the father...... I will never let you end up in the same situation as me, I will build this life...... There will only be one daughter, Hanyi. ”

I ignored this sentence, and then said to myself: "Even Zujun himself lingered in the Fengyue Field, and had an unclear relationship with a prostitute named Master Li, so why did he restrain me?" Just because ...... Is he an emperor? ”

I suddenly turned my head, looked straight at my father, and said with anger that wanted revenge: "Father, will you be the emperor?" In this way, there will be no one to bully Han Yi anymore. ”

Thinking about my own appearance at that time, it was really scary, my father looked at me, and suddenly became strange, in fact, I was just venting my emotions, and I knew very well in my heart that this kind of idea could never be realized, not to mention that my father had no soldiers and no power, even in the court, there was no place, so after I left the prison, this sentence was thrown into prison by me, but I didn't expect that it was really true, recorded in my father's heart.

I still think that the reason why my father took the initiative to invite Ying and went to the Jin Kingdom as a hostage was for me, and his courage was appreciated by the ancestors, the emperor's uncle, and the people who were greedy for life and afraid of death in the Manchu Dynasty, and then, my grandmother Wei, suddenly mentioned the position of a virtuous concubine, and my father became a prince above ten thousand people, but this kind of honor was too expensive.

On the day when he knelt on the ground and listened to the order, the palace was as usual with birds singing and flowers, bees and butterflies dancing, but the reality that the Jin army was about to come to the city proved that all this was peaceful and peaceful, but it was just an illusion to cover up the real fear, just like the lake that seemed to be calm and calm, but in fact there was an undercurrent surging, I don't know how strong the wind will be, what kind of huge waves will be set off.

The father said, Han Yi, if you can come back alive for your father, you can enjoy the prince's honor, if you die, you will just turn into a handful of loess in a foreign country, and you should be as if you were never born in this world, but you have been wronged.

I ran on the city wall in the direction of my father's departure, begging him to stay in my field of vision for a longer time, until I was so tired that I fell heavily on the ground, and then looked at my father's back in despair, and wept bitterly.

"What are you crying about?"

A soldier on duty, finally couldn't stand it anymore, he held a halberd in his hand, and knelt down on one knee in front of me.

"Who uses you to take care of it, the one who went to the Jin Kingdom as a hostage, and it's not your father, how can you understand this feeling!"

My attitude was rude, and I was so sad that I refused a warm concern.

"Yo, I really didn't see it, you're still a Zongji."

He smiled, put down his halberd, and picked me up.

"How do you know my father is not in it? Look—" He gestured to the pile of figures behind his father.

"The closest guard behind His Royal Highness King Kang is my father."

"If you go to Jin Guo to die for the rest of your life, won't you feel sorry for your father?"

"Sad? Serving the country is an honor, everyone will die, not to mention the father's food king's lu, loyal to the king, now the Jin country's iron hooves trample on the Song soil, King Kang Yingyi, self-invited gold, if the father really died because of the protector, it can be regarded as a well-deserved death, what is there to be sad about. ”

I was stunned by his words, I felt that compared with him, my consciousness was too shallow, the palace bell of Chenshi, made a majestic impact sound, empty and far away, this is the time of the changing of the guard, a soldier came forward to find him on duty, he answered, stretched out his hand to wipe away the tears remaining on my face and said: "A pair of beautiful eyes, if you cry and swell, but it is not good-looking, Zong Ji looks so beautiful, and she will definitely marry a wishful husband in the future." ”

Then, he put me down, got up and left with a smile.

Later, when I was found by my father from the street and brought back to the palace, I searched every corner of the palace like a madman, but I didn't find the guard brother again, and I knew that he would not appear again, because the one who could escape the catastrophe of Jingkang would never be a loyal man like him who was dedicated to the Great Song Dynasty.

After my father ascended the throne, he gave me everything he could, in order to make up for the grievances I had received from my ancestors, he expanded the Xianshao Academy, and recruited the smash hit lady Ju to be my teacher, in order to show the dignity of my princess status, he refused to give me a title from the Ministry of Rites, and also ordered the streets and alleys of the people. Wazi Music Workshop, prohibiting the sound of Konghou again, just to highlight my uniqueness, although these practices are extremely unruly, causing the government and the opposition to complain, but he does not care.

But even so, it can't erase my memory of the Jingkang blood robbery, the experience of running away from the palace and having to eat human flesh and sleeping on white bones all day long has become a nightmare for me for a long time, which is why, when I found out that Zhulan forced me to eat only cow hearts, not people's hearts, the reason for the relieved expression on my face.

In those days like a lost dog, I was taken in by a tooth woman, those who later appeared in my dance, all kinds of unusual and difficult movements, are the foundation laid at that time, I will never forget, the feeling of my legs being torn, I hurt so much that tears rolled in my eyes, I didn't even have the strength to shout, but I had to endure, in order for my body to be softer, dance more beautifully, in that time when everyone was in danger with the surname Zhao, except death, I had no right to choose.

This is something that my father has always felt guilty about me, but I understand that this can't blame him, and he didn't expect that King Yan of the Jin Kingdom would doubt his identity as a prince because his words and deeds were too steady, so he sent him back to China, and asked the Great Song Dynasty to replace him with the cowardly and incompetent King Su Zhao Shu to be a proton.

I didn't expect that after I returned to the court, I was sent by Zujun to Jin State to negotiate peace again, and left Bianliang far away, if it wasn't for the time when I passed through Cizhou, I saw Wang Yun of the accompanying criminal department Shangshu Wang Yun, who was violently beaten to death by the local homeless, and had to accept the suggestion of Zong Ze, the prefect of Cizhou, to stay. What is the suffering of the world?

Sometimes I feel that my actions with the pro-Jin Kingdom are like a willful child who ran away from home, but when I really think about it seriously, I will find that this is not the case at all, and there is actually an indescribable emotion between me and my father, and it is precisely because of this that we are destined to have this bond.

Before I was born, my father actually had five daughters, but if their ghosts appear in front of me now, I am afraid that they will still call me sister, and it is appropriate to come, because the oldest of them was only four years old when he died, and he was four years old, which was the age when he should have lived a fun life, but he died in vain because of a plundering by the Jin army in the south.

Therefore, I always think that my father gave me all the love that should belong to those five sisters, and made up for all his regret for those five sisters.

No one may believe it, my father sent someone to poison my mother when he was still King Kang, so my memory of my mother now is only in the scene when she dressed up to attend and played the gonghou for my father, but at that time, I was really shocked and sad, I cried and looked for my father's theory, thinking that he must be crazy, but my father said to me very calmly, she is not my mother at all, my biological mother, as early as the day I was born, died of childbirth, I just left her to raise.

"I handed over such an important matter to her, did she do her duty, and tried to persuade this king to adopt a stepson, I really thought that this king couldn't see it, was he the person who was placed by the emperor's brother next to this king, at first I could still have a little sincerity towards this king, but I didn't expect that when it came to rights, this king's affection for her became so unmentionable."

Thinking about it, I really don't have much emotion for my mother, my sadness is just based on my sadness when I learned the truth, she didn't even hug me.

I used to think that this was due to the fact that she needed to maintain a royal demeanor that did not show her feet and smiled without showing her teeth, just like when her father entered the palace to visit Grandmother Wei, most of them could only say hello from a distance through the curtain, and nothing else, until I listened to what my father said to me, I realized that it was not my own child, and how could it be regarded as my own heart.

The father said abruptly: "Han Yi, everything I have done is naturally for you, there can be many women for the father, but there is only one daughter......

I think that if it weren't for the "search of the mountains and the sea to catch Zhao Gou" of the Golden Vulture later, my younger brother Zhao Yang would not have died in his sleep in his father's arms on the way to escape because he was frightened by artillery fire, so that my father's love for me would not have become more and more biased as it would have been in the future.

During the three months of wandering at sea, my father grabbed my shoulder countless times in a delirious way, shouting the name of my younger brother Zhao Yang, I looked at him with tears in my eyes, let him pull off my hairpin, and twisted my hair into a man's hair, I had not told him at that time, I had just heard the bad news that my mother-in-law Xing had died tragically in the Jin Kingdom, and that the woman he loved most in his life had also left him, and from now on, he would really be the only one of my relatives.

Many years later, one night in the Jin Kingdom, I was alone in front of the candle, silently recalling my father, and suddenly remembered the scene of that year, my father looked at the group of officials kneeling in the hall and advising him to adopt his stepson as the crown prince, and said coldly: "Which of you dares to say that there is no successor to me, my son Hanyi, can inherit the unification." ”