I want to inform you of something today, and I have been thinking about it for a long time, and I don't know how to write, but in the end I still wrote such a shameless note.

That's why I wanted to write this book in the first place, to my frozen homeland. I started thinking about this work about two years ago. From the perspective of a book, it is not enthusiastic, nor refreshing, nor is it even more difficult to be moved. There is no deep-rooted love in its words, nor is there any indomitable enthusiasm, nor is there any wisdom in every word. Yes, from a book perspective, it should be boring.

But if it's just from my point of view, it should be a book that allows me to really tell my heart.

There is no doubt that I am a boring person myself. In real life, in the vast majority of cases, I am a marginal representative with a withdrawn personality, bizarre behavior, and few words.

I don't like to have too much contact with people, I have low self-esteem, I am lazy, and I have a relatively dirty inner world. Jealous, slightly erotic, occasionally delusional and violent, but also mixed with some other evil thoughts. I have never denied this, I have never been a good person, and I am not kind.

So, I set the world of this book as an ice field full of monsters. And the protagonist's journey is to die.

I don't shy away from saying that I have a certain negative tendency in my personality, because my life never seems to have achieved any meaning. It's just that in the process of self-contempt and jealousy of others, he has lived until now.

However, I have always longed for something beautiful, sincere family affection, persistent dreams, and fearless determination, etc. These things are so dazzling to me.

So, I wrote them into my book as well, giving them some of the characters.

I want to take this opportunity to set the protagonist on a different path.

Yanagihara loves cars because my first birthday present was a toy car that my father gave me.

The reward that Al gave to Yanagihara was a pocket watch, because when I was a child, I also had a watch, which was given to me by my mother. Two hundred dollars, not expensive, a few smiling faces on it are even a little childish, I thought it was humiliating, so I threw it in a corner, and never found it again.

Liz loves music because when my parents are in debt and divorced, my favorite thing to do is hide in my room and listen to music. I used to want to have my own concert and scream my own heart, but unfortunately I didn't sing well, and I smiled bitterly.

De Rosso likes to draw because one of the people I like is also very good at drawing.

Aztod told a lie, and the book itself was a lie I had woven for myself.

I hope that Yanagihara can be redeemed in the future journey, and I hope that she can redeem all my regrets for me.

Find the watch, leave the toy car, go again and again, and finally embrace your dreams with peace of mind.

Unfortunately, I emptied my mind and didn't find a few words to describe those beautiful moods. Unfortunately, I can't help but want to let the good things go away.

Maybe in my eyes, only the beauty that disappears is beautiful.

I've always learned not to cherish what is in front of me.

It's a process that makes me physically and mentally exhausted, like turning my whole person inside out, revealing it cleanly, leaving no room for anything, but still arguing with my own heart.

I know that some people will think I'm posturing when I say this, and I don't want to explain that because I'm really tired.

After my elbow was disabled, my life was completely disrupted, and the contract was revised from the beginning, and the reduced manuscript fee made me more stressful as the only source of income for my family.

Sometimes I was really powerless and wanted to ask myself why I had to learn to be self-reliant in my teens and raise a family in my twenties. Looking at my parents' aging appearance, I always feel like a knife, but I also complain a little.

I complained about why they couldn't give me a little support, but I hated myself for not being able to let them rely on them with peace of mind.

I thought that after my life was settled, I would be able to dissect my heart, let go of everything in the past, start over, and become a sunny, cheerful, strong and optimistic person.

Make a few friends, play basketball, travel, take pictures, paint.

I went to buy a car, a watch with a smiling face, and took my parents back to the house left by my grandmother in my hometown, and built a new house to live by the mountains and rivers.

But the reality tells me that I think highly of myself. It only takes a few accidents for me to be beaten back to my original shape.

I just want to find a perspective that allows me to see life from my own perspective, but why, just such a thing, I feel powerless.

I won't stop updating this book, but I won't update it stably.

I'll open a new book, I don't know if the grades will be good, but it should make it easier for me to write.

I want to take a break and get ready for my surgery in November.

If, after that, the first thing I woke up to was the sun shining down on my bed, I thought I might start over. Because I'm really sorry that I've never had any kind of beauty. Because I'm really sorry that I couldn't explain my yearning.

That's all, thank you.