What do I want to say? What do I want to answer?

Under the pressure of that person, those eyes, and the gaze, I suddenly realized that I didn't know what to say.

After the conversation began in one go, after losing all the reasons to continue, all that was left was empty thoughts, noisy and distracted.

Time flies, and I am silent and look at her who has naturally retracted her gaze, class is over, if it weren't for the sudden ringing of the bell, how would I deal with the silent scene that overwhelmed me.

I sat down slowly, bowed my head, looked at the empty desk where nothing was placed, just watched, time passed, but no one came to correct me and took out the textbook, obviously like this, but the so-called luck psychology has not been around my heart.

Because!

Deeper emotions, thoughts in the dark, stained with black silt, are chagrin, regret, anger, sadness, no emotion can be described, no, it should be that I don't know how to describe it.

Why am I angry?

The doubts that were born at the beginning of this conversation, at this moment, in the frame of my unwillingness, I still got the answer, and I was forced to accept the essence of [me] that I did not want to face.

~~~~~~

If, someone said.

I, Mitarai is a genius, what kind of attitude do I have towards this?

I, Mitarai is not a genius, and what kind of attitude do I maintain towards this?

If I don't think I'm a genius, am I humble? If I think I'm a genius, am I proud?

With two kinds of thinking, two different judgments, and a painful need to make a choice, people know that they are thinking creatures.

He will not perpetuate his afflictions and choose one of the two, but the simpler way, which cannot be simpler, he will choose both.

Therefore.

The essence of [me] is that I am both a genius and not a genius.

But.

When everyone thinks this is the simplest and most reasonable thing to do, isn't it actually the most arrogant and self-satisfying thing to do?

~~~~~~

That's right!

I am the most arrogant, proud, and self-satisfied being.

This is also the essence of me, no, maybe this is the essence of me.

I consider myself a genius.

When he is hailed as a genius, it is unilaterally awarded by his parents, family, and neighbors. I think that being expected by everyone, recognized by everyone, and concerned by everyone, I am undoubtedly a genius!

However, this is not true.

When I was in school, when I first came into contact with my peers, when I was four years old and first probed into the deep darkness of my heart, I realized the error of this theory.

I am a person, a single individual, I am a genius, but I am not compared to other people, but simply I am a genius and have been obtained, but the premise of this acquisition is that [I] am a person, a lonely person.

Sitting in the outer seat of the classroom, the outer wall is close to the bright and transparent windows, and every day, every day, every day, the sun rises, until the time it sets, I am in the perfect position to be illuminated by the sun.

Occasionally look up at the window, and your eyes will close in the dark.

I used to hesitate to go to the teacher to change seats, not because of the timidity of my eyes, of course, but because.

I hate, hate this place where the sun shines, the light torments and tortures.

After all, this is a place where darkness cannot tolerate existence, but there is a combination of darkness gathered.

~~~~~~

I started to be afraid, I was afraid of losing, I was afraid that I wasn't going to be a genius anymore.

I started to resent it, I started to hate it, I started to not want to go to school, I was running away, and that's who I was then.

~~~~~~

Then, one day, everything changed, and I should say I changed.

Living in panic all day long that only I can understand, I have changed, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer disgusted, I am no longer hateful.

I started to want to go to school and I didn't need to keep running away.

Being in the sunlit right-angle seat, I began to enjoy the warmth of the sun rather than trying to escape.

Then, from that day on, I ceased to be a genius.

It's normal, after a setback, you will learn to give up, but it's not right.

I'm different.

Giving up means choosing one of the outcomes, and I didn't give up after choosing both outcomes.

~~~~~~

I'm a genius!

When I get a better score than others, I get better grades than others.

I'm not a genius!

When someone surpasses me, when someone wins, wins over me, who is not a genius.

It's normal, right?,Joke about using such thoughts as my self-esteem.,No one can't accept it.,But.。

When such self-esteem exceeds the normal situation, when such self-esteem reveals the most fundamental essence.

That's why I'm angry.

~~~~~~

I'm a genius, a gifted genius.

I have a talent that no one else can match, this is me, better than anyone else, better than anyone else, better than anyone ······else, I have talent, so I can get better scores than others, get better results.

Because I'm a genius!

I'm not a genius, a hard-working genius.

I don't need to work hard, I don't like to work hard, I don't have to work hard, so, I'm weaker than anyone else, I'm humble, I'm ······ better than anyone else, I haven't worked hard, so I'll be overtaken, I'll be left behind, I'll lose in the competition.

~~~~~~

I'm angry, I'm going to be angry, I'm going to be angry.

Why?

Because, if you affirm her statement, it is like a denial, a denial of my talent, a denial of the fact that I am a genius, and perhaps a denial of the essence of me as a person.

So, I get angry, and I don't think about why I'm angry, what I subconsciously forgot was brought up by her.

It was the one that chose the easiest and most relaxed.

It's also the most arrogant way of life for me.

~~~~~~

So, being seen through, that girl, Hinata Yuki, those cold eyes, seemed to see through the essence of me.

That's why she showed such a bitter disgust, for her who has talent but insists on working hard, such a me.

I am the one who thinks I am superior to anyone else, and I am the one who thinks I am inferior to anyone else.

Huh!

You said.

is both a man above and a man under man, what kind of guy was born to the so-called heaven?

What a humble being was born? What arrogance? What a pitiful being?

I know.

There will be no answers.

What kind of words will she say to me, what kind of attitude will she show to me, whether it will be disgust, contempt, or contempt.

Unimportant!

It doesn't matter anymore!

Because!

From that day on.

I've already decided.

"The relationship between me and you is one of killing and not killing, and it is each other that will not coexist if we don't compete with each other."

What kind of expression will she make, what kind of reaction will she make, will she be confused? You think that the stranger in front of me is sick in the head, right? Will refuse,

In front of me, who had been thinking about it all night, I finally made up my mind to say such a shameful thing.

"Okay, I accept it."

She didn't speak, but I thought, maybe it was just my personal thoughts, and that's how she replied to me.

~~~~~~

And just like that, time passed.

Sometime by chance, when I turned back on the road of life.

It dawned on me that fate had played a little joke on me again.

~~~~~~

"Are you alone?"

As usual, I was in the middle of sorting out my latest situation when I was accosted from the side.

"Is it bad to be alone?"

I felt that the girl in front of me seemed to chuckle a little, and her slightly narrowed eyes were full of banter. I glared at her slightly.

"Your important friend, the number of times I've come to ask you off has dropped dramatically lately."

“…… Is it? ”

She added the word "urgent" at length, showing her bad-hearted character.

"Oops, did I misunderstand? Lately, at noon and after school, you seem to be alone. ”

"Whose fault do you think it's for?"

"See you tomorrow!"

The back of her leaving and the empty classroom made me have to face the reality.

When I came to my senses, I didn't have any friends around me!

As for her, she would be cold to everyone else, but she would occasionally talk to me a few words, she was not my friend!

~~~~~~

People like me, occasionally think.

What kind of person will I become? And then the deeper you go, the problem starts to change. What kind of person do I want to be?

So, I got the answer from a long period of thinking.

I might want to try to be the person I want to be!

Be.

Become like her!