Born human, I was desperate.

Standing in the sea of people, it is like a flat boat drifting with the waves. The green light is on, and the mighty office workers pour out, pointing straight to the place of 9 to 5. Like a mayfly, I stumbled through the crowd and waited for the red light to come on before I had time to rest. The first wave has passed, but I was left behind in the first wave, or I couldn't catch up. As usual, I won't be able to catch up with the second wave. I can be the first wave to cross the street at the cost of having to leave one of us behind on behalf of everyone. This is competition, and its essence is probably the so-called "natural selection, survival of the fittest".

I am twenty-eight years old and unmarried. Most men my age are successful or thriving, and it's embarrassing that I'm neither an employee of a well-known company nor a wealthy businessman. I am nobody, and I don't want to be anybody. If you have to give me a title, you can call me "trash". Don't feel sorry for it, it's a title that fits me very well. If you really think this title is too much, then call me "weak" - not a weak person, although my physical condition is also - I mean a cowardly and incompetent person, because his uselessness is destined to be eliminated by the times.

If you have time, will I tell you about my humble and empty life? Do you want to know me...... It's a real honor. That's true. Since I became an adult, no one has wanted to hear me tell my own story. But let me warn you first, you may find my past disgusting to you. If you don't want to listen to it, you can always ask me to stop. But if you feel a little bit after listening to it, then you also touch my filthy but pure heart.

Twenty-eight years ago, a boy was born in the obstetrics and gynecology department of Yixiang People's Hospital, which is now known as the First Hospital of Yixiang District, Anzhou City. Almost all of what I know about my infancy stems from my parents' verbal statements. Thankfully, my parents still have the only picture of me as a baby. In the yellowed photograph of the birth certificate is a chubby doll with big watery eyes, and judging by my face now, you would never guess that they would be the same person. My father had five siblings, two of whom were his elder brothers, two of his older sisters, and a younger brother who was a year younger than him, my uncle whom I loved very much when I was a child. According to my parents, the first person to see if I was a man or a woman was my aunt, my dad's eldest sister. Also according to my parents, when it was determined that I was male, my father's relatives and my mother's relatives who were waiting next to me said that I would become a big man in the future. Ironically, it was this group of people who later said, "This kid is not promising".

When I was young, my parents loved me in every way. Every time I go out, my parents will hold me, and every time I go out, there will always be one or two passers-by who say to my parents, "This child is so beautiful". "Thanks for the compliment, your kids are so cute," my parents said. After a few years, I became independent, and I realized that most of the "children of your family" that my parents referred to were ugly - most of them had successful careers, and some of them had a little bit of a makeover and married rich children, but they were also happy.

When I went to elementary school, I made a lot of friends. They didn't make friends with me because of my good academic performance, just because I could play with them and was one of their many friends. As the top student in my primary school class, I received a certificate of "Three Merit Students" every semester. With the glory I have received, I have been praised again and again by my parents. I was immersed in the compliments and the occasional material reward, without thinking about the consequences. As my elementary school peers, my friends would compliment me for a while and then ask me to play a game of monster fighting with them – I was a monster and they were the saviors. It doesn't matter, I don't have the concept of being "oppressed", and my friends don't ask me for a treat because I get a material reward, even though I didn't understand what a "necessary treat" was at the time.

At that time, we were not rich, and our home was a two-and-a-half-story dilapidated old house. Looking back now, I used to love to go to the rooftops and play. The top half of the floor was a treasure that I would never get tired of at that time. I often go to the waste wood pile to "search for treasures", and every time I return empty-handed, I am happy to lose it. There is a terrible part of this precious memory - my dad and my mom are arguing. On several occasions they flipped the table and pushed the cabinet, or even raised tools to knock each other down. This scene I saw in my eyes and remembered it in my heart, and it became a hateful memory that I will linger even when I grow up. Because I was not rich, my parents fought many times, and because I was not rich, my childhood was filled with conflicts of interest between adults.

When I entered junior high school, I got to know a teacher I will never forget in my life - a knowledgeable but morally low people's teacher. He taught me that learning is everything, and the high school entrance examination is the top priority. I have almost forgotten the memories of junior high school. Fortunately, I still remember my elementary school friends who went to junior high school side by side with me and my classmates who fought for the high school entrance examination in junior high school. I don't know, do my junior high school classmates remember this? I guess I forgot it, or maybe I don't want to remember it, like me, I deceived myself and buried my helplessness in the bottom of my heart. However, some students will only remember the teacher's goodness, because it is indeed the teacher's teaching that enables them to get good grades in the high school entrance examination and enter key high schools.

With very mixed feelings, I was admitted to the No. 2 Key High School in Yixiang District, Anzhou City, with precarious scores, and parted ways with most of my junior high school classmates, including my junior high school friends. I haven't told anyone, I can't bear them, very reluctantly. When I was in junior high school, I wanted to study for only two years. When I entered high school, I was frustrated and longed for a longer time in junior high school, even if I was constantly afraid of the eyes of my junior high school teachers, as long as I could be with them...... The junior high school teacher said that the high school entrance examination is a turning point in life. As the high school entrance examination approached, I became more and more confused about what the teacher said, but my classmates struggled with me, and I didn't think much about it anymore. As a result, after entering high school, the high school teacher told us that the college entrance examination was a turning point in life. I'm confused: what exactly is a turning point in life?

"After three years of hard work in high school, the college entrance examination will determine your future life. "I don't believe it. "In the three years of high school, I had to study to the point of forgetting to sleep and eat. "I don't want to listen. "Sweat now, relax later, relax now, tear later." "I don't understand. Why does the college entrance examination become a turning point in life? Why do people continue to write questions when they are sick and injured? "I want to be more relaxed, but if I am relaxed, will I regret it in the future?" On the contrary, if I abandon everything now and only study for the college entrance examination, will I spend my life happily in the future? "Thousands of times I asked myself, I became more and more confused, and I became more and more undetermined—why did I work so hard, and why did I exhaust my life?

Can I call you a friend if you don't mind...... No, please don't say that. I envy you for being able to be independent and fly freely on this land. I never wanted to travel. When I was a child, my parents were busy with work, I was busy preparing for the high school entrance examination in junior high school, and I didn't know what to do with my high school life. I envy you, traveler friend - sorry, rip it apart. It's time to move on to my story...... Thank you for continuing to listen.

Although I don't want to believe it, my high school teacher is right, the college entrance examination is really a turning point in my life. As for the junior high school teacher, what he said is true: the high school entrance examination is the ladder of the college entrance examination. Although the high school entrance examination may not determine the college entrance examination, and the promotion to a key high school through the high school entrance examination may not necessarily be able to get good study supervision - after all, whether it is junior high school or high school study and life, the ultimate goal of both is a first-class university. Get a high score in the college entrance examination, fill in the volunteer to get the admission letter and enter a first-class university - believe me, waiting for the score after the college entrance examination is really difficult - after graduating from a first-class university, continue to study: graduate, doctoral, master's ...... I don't know if I got the order wrong, but I didn't have the privilege to get these degrees. There is also an end point to the rise of the step-by-step, society. In fact, the school is also a small circle in the big circle of society, so some people say that "the school is a small society", I think it is true.

The high school entrance examination chess is a risky move to enter a key high school, and the college entrance examination is not so lucky. It's my own fault, if I had ...... Forget it, all in all, my score in the college entrance examination did not reach the score line of undergraduate school, nor did it reach the score line of junior college...... I ended up in a third-rate university, which must also be a junior college. Isn't God merciful to me, as if he was like a junior high school teacher, laughing at me and saying, "If you have a university student, you should worship heaven and earth." If there were gods in heaven and earth, I would really "thank" them: "Thank you for your great kindness, thank you for having no one in your eyes......!"

As I grew up, my horizon expanded, I saw more things, I experienced more things, and the blend of black and white became more and more chaotic. After graduating from university, I entered the society and my doubts increased day by day. In the first year after graduating, I continued my internship at university as a salesperson in a private company. Not a lot of salary, no benefits, but I have plenty of time to do what I love. I've always had a dream to become a well-known playwright. I fantasize that one day the work I write will be broadcast on TV and on the Internet. Modern times are the information age, and online dramas have begun to develop, and maybe one day the director of online dramas will take a fancy to my script...... Hehe, it's a dream. You think I have the talent to be a playwright? Thank you, but I know that I don't have the talent to be a playwright, because reality proves it. In my spare time at work, I write lines. I have to fight against time, on the one hand, I can't delay my work during the day, and on the other hand, I have to write a good and well-made line. After a year of internship and a year of work, I found time to finish my first play and put it on the Internet. I thought that if my plays could be loved by everyone, and then favored by theater directors, maybe I would become famous in one fell swoop, and then I would be able to quit my job. Yes, I don't like the work during the internship. Why? Maybe it's because I can't accept a hypocritical attitude to accept the life of a client. In the workplace, the best thing to say is fierce competition, and the hard thing to say is to deceive. I can't work like this. What I want is a job that I love, a job that brings satisfaction to others, wealth to myself, and no need to compete with others or hurt others. As a result of the submission, my play was not interested.

Soon after, the company was going to lay off people, and I was one of the unfortunate employees who were laid off. There's no way around it. "Don't worry, there will always be work. "At the age of twenty-five, I consoled myself and looked for job postings online. In the next two years, I either took the initiative to resign from the company's opinions, or was picked and fired by the company. In my career, I have seen greed, hypocrisy, and selfishness. Gradually, I don't understand if it's me who is too strange or the world is too strange - am I unable to fit in?

At the age of twenty-seven, unemployed, I devoted myself to writing, despite the setbacks of that year. I probably wasn't good at writing, but I wanted to be a good writer, so I was able to finish two full-length plays in a year. In order to avoid repeating the same mistakes, I posted one of the plays on a well-known website and spread the word among my friends to promote it, while the other commissioned someone to find an editor to publish it. At first I was sought after by a lot of people – with a bit of a brain, I was able to identify most of the disinformation and find the real editors. "Your work is still fine, but it needs to be changed. First of all, I had to change the name of the work, and then I hesitated to ...... the requests that came one after another. Accept it, and I have a chance to become famous, but I have to make a major revision to my painstaking work, and the time spent in the past becomes a bubble; Since I can't decide on this work yet, I might as well ask about the other work first. I contacted my client, who was a classmate I had known from my college days. When I arrived at his residence, he was empty. The security guard said he had moved back to his hometown. A few days later, I found my original play in a magazine, but it was him. I reported it to the magazine, but they asked me to show evidence - my memory is not evidence at all, and it cannot be used as proof that the work is original. To no avail, I contacted the editor I had found to discuss with him whether his work would be accepted without revision. "Who do you think you are, great writer?" a request to cut off a chance.

I am 28 years old and have been on several blind dates, all of which were unsuccessful. The reason for this is that I can't find a woman who can make me fall in love at first sight. What kind of women? I can't actually describe it. The woman I admire must be a black flower in a sea of white flowers, or a resolute and immortal green in the vast sea of sand—am I too demanding...... Haha, you know what kind of woman I admire...... I see, do you think that everyone has their dream girl, and everyone has a different girl in mind? Then you have to be careful, maybe I will rob your sweetheart...... Sorry, I'm joking, you don't have to worry. I'm really sorry.

Labor Day has a five-day holiday. It doesn't matter if it's five days or a month, as long as I don't have a girlfriend or a job, my parents will keep complaining and blaming me. I'll tell you the truth, I've been complained and blamed by my parents for four years in a row. Really, how can those two people have so much saliva to scold me, I'm not afraid that I will be driven crazy by them to jump off the building and commit suicide - well, what's wrong? Oh, suicide, I'll talk about it casually.

Even if you ask me that, I can't answer you right away. Death...... Well, do you think I'm the kind of person who would kill himself? I'm so impressed by you, I'm scared of your eyes. With such clear eyes, if you were a woman, maybe I would marry you...... No laughing. To tell you the truth, I thought about death, and more than once. Uh, don't worry. I was cowardly, how could I really commit suicide. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself.

Okay, it's almost time, and if it goes on like this, we'll be talking until the wee hours of the morning. I'll have to try to wake up early or I'll get my parents complaining and blaming me. What do you do, do you have a place to live? If not, come to my house? If you really want to go to my house, you have to sleep in the same bed with me, after all, my parents are not aware of my parents' unawareness of going out in the middle of the night - I can't eat and walk around when I wake them up. No, you have a place to live, that's it. Then I'm gone.

Well, what's wrong...... No - if there were gods in this world who gave me the opportunity to go back to the past and change my life, I would go to that so-called "turning point in my life", my senior year of high school. I had too many regrets in my senior year of high school...... I'm a realist, and besides, there can be no gods in this world, and naturally there is no such absurd thing as going back in time.

Goodbye, traveler.

By the way, I haven't asked for your name yet...... I've already gone back. Meeting is fate, and fate can meet. Thank you, friend. Take a hundred plating and read the latest chapter of "Don't Forget the Blessing and Misfortune of the Past Book House" for free for the first time.