"How do I feel that I have a feeling that I breathe and share your fate?" I was worried and anxious about some team matters today, so I asked my brother who took me.

"You were originally among us, you were born to breathe and share our fate, shouldn't this be the case?"

- It's hard for me to answer that. Actually, I don't think I shouldn't breathe and share the same fate with them, nor does it mean that I am outside of them and I am among them, but just like people in other departments will say "what about your family" when I go out, that is, I am not the same person as them, and many things are not my turn.

What's more, I may have to go back to the grassroots at any time, and I know that I am unlikely to stay, because after my rotation, there is another management trainee who will rotate here, and I can only go to the grassroots level to continue the rotation, and then we will see how it will be. Actually, I'm among them, but I just need to do my part, and I probably can't worry about the other things like an inherent member, because I can only see one problem in one part of the project, and I can't see the end in the future, and those don't affect me.

But maybe I was asked to approach suppliers and negotiate as my company's representative recently, because in those occasions when they couldn't come, I represented a department alone, so I started to worry that I would not do well, which would cause them to lose something because of me, and my lack of fighting would also cause them to lose the benefits that they could have gained.

Then, when the meeting was held, when the leader talked about the problems of our department, his eyes were directly on us, and he said to us (I am one of them), and I felt, what? When did it happen to me? Isn't it true that I already have someone who is in charge of the line (with my brother), and I am responsible for him, and I can do everything he explains?

Because I did something wrong, he had to take the blame, so I tried not to make mistakes and tried my best to ensure that I didn't cheat him. When will I have to take on a share of the department's responsibilities?

I was shocked to feel like I was blending in.

But forgive me, I can't give all the time off work, all my energy, to this job.

"Why are you asking me to give up all other possibilities and throw myself all in?" I'm asking about the job.

"You don't have all in, why should I give you a reward?" The job is also asking me.

I blame myself for not being able to devote myself wholeheartedly and for a long time, although I work a lot of overtime, but once I finish something, I don't have the desire to learn more about this matter, or to study the points that can be improved next time. I only did what I thought I was doing my duty, and I didn't have any ambition to develop the business. I didn't make any effort to become more professional in particular.

I'm actually constantly torn between wanting to be more professional and wanting to have other possibilities and passions.

Today's Xiao Lai: I'm also making excerpts of beautiful words. They all come from the web –

1. You can't have both youth and knowledge about youth, because youth is too busy with life to take care of knowledge; Knowledge is too busy exploring itself to care about life.

——Xiao Lai from 2020.11.9 has a particularly deep feeling for this sentence. She feels that people always have to choose a future that is not clear at a certain stage, and the price of sticking to their hobbies is always high. There is no way to tell if the other possibilities that one misses in a multiple-choice question will make one regret in the future, and when a person chooses a multiple-choice question, he loses the reward that should have come sooner. It's so difficult, the thought of not knowing how to choose or what to do, makes my brain feel like a crack.

2. There must be something strange and sacred in the salt.

It's in our tears, but it's also in the sea.

3. Every desire imprisoned by my language, I must act to release it.

- This text ends with another sentence of chicken soup, "Because we are young, as long as we don't die, everything else is just bruises." ”

2020.4.16