I looked at the dim lamp at the head of the bed, the vodka on the table, and the few cigarette cases left; I don't ask myself, if I am wasting my good years and doing meaningless things.

Looking back on these years, I seem to have no seriousness and worthwhile except for the first and second years of high school, which are not hardworking; Do you really want to spend the rest of your time in obscurity, although it is short, there is not much left.

I know very well that life is precious, and time flies away, but perhaps it is the young heart that is always pushing me towards useless and meaningless things; I've auditioned for The Voice, I've written more than one novel, but I always find it meaningless at the last moment, maybe it's the day of my beginning, timidity and the copy-and-paste dogmatism that I have in my head keeps wandering, always giving me a warning at the last moment, telling me to give up, and I always choose to compromise after thinking about it for a long time; Is it my fault? Or was the world shaped from the very beginning, forcing me to follow everyone's path? But is this really a move forward?

In my heart, there is always a light, which pursues fame, it pursues freedom and freedom, and is always out of step with the world; I always firmly believe that persistence will lead to results, but after the so-called "persistence", I always think that there is little hope and choose another path; It was only after writing this that I finally realized that perhaps, it was nothing else that affected me, but this cowardly abandonment.

How precious it is for a person to have a set of thoughts of his own, to live like a factory machine, unlike others; It's just that I mistakenly think that this kind of unsound thinking with huge hidden dangers should be promoted so that more people can see it; Giving up lightly is the biggest nemesis in this life, why fear that life is short, why fear the twists and turns of life, what we are afraid of is nothing but invisible, failure and slackness that will come at any time.

Let's talk about my 21 years, it's actually quite simple.

At first, we no longer remember the memories of the croaking and falling to the ground; It's just that at the beginning of kindergarten, other children are homesick, and most of them start crying when they come to the kindergarten door; According to my mother's recollection, I left her happily and was happily taken home by her. I don't know why I'm different from other children, but in my memory, it is;

I remember that at that time, the kindergarten was to stay at noon. I got into bed myself, covered myself with the quilt, and observed the others; Some weep, some sleep peacefully after crying; I don't understand why I'm sad, and I don't understand what kind of emotion it is. I tried to ask the other children why this was the case, and I was puzzled by the answer, "Don't you miss home?" Don't want Mom and Dad? ”

I really don't want to, I think, they just happened to show up; In my world, they gave me what I wanted, gave me happiness and warmth, but I never understood why they were not others, why others had that inexplicable affection for them, and I didn't; I began to learn to cry and try to understand them; Although it seemed useless, it did make me start to become vulnerable, and I actually developed a nostalgia for them. According to my mother, it was only after a year of kindergarten that I started crying; But I don't have such a clear memory, so I can only reason along with what I remember. At that time, I may have entered the generator period earlier, and I was addicted to the inexplicable excitement generated by touch, of course, I also knew that playing with it was a mistake, but I didn't have enough control and was always secretly trying.

In the blink of an eye, he entered the elementary school near his home; I'm still like that, I never miss home, I just feel that campus life is a lot more restrictive, and it is difficult for me to sit there and listen to lectures every day. I prefer gym class, which is the only indulgence I have after school.

When I was in elementary school, I met a lot of friends who are still in touch today, and the innocence of that time was something that all the time in the future could not bring.

We run around the playground and pretend to be the characters in our hearts, with various abilities from various anime: Ultraman Tiga, Saint Seiya, Saint Seiya, Saint Seiya, Kamen Rider, Powerpuff Girls, King Kong Warriors, Armored Warriors, and many more. Actually, I always like to play some roles that are necessary to be soft and weak, maybe the sadness now is from the bones, or maybe it's because Saint Seiya Shun is too perfect.

Of course, there are also astringent classmates on the primary school campus; I remember almost everyone's personality, so I don't need to repeat it by real name here.

Xiaohe, always elegant and gentle with imitation of publicity, she is my hair small, white and pure, kindergarten, listen to the memories of classmates and parents' inquiries, I also said at the time, "I will marry a girl like Xiaohe as a wife in the future", I don't know what happened at the time, I can say this kind of words that should not be at that age, so that the family still remembers when I went to college.

Xiao He, I think the most iron-clad buddy is except for my brother Wang; Coincidentally, the two of us live in two different subdivisions of the same community, which the neighborhood calls "red roof" and "blue roof"; As they say, the two divisions are the red-roofed and blue-roofed buildings; Coincidentally, his cousin lived on the opposite floor from my house, and my mother and Xiao He's mother were colleagues. He was very different then than now, chubby, with a little dark skin, and I liked him very much, according to my mother's words, he was "pathetic", in short, he was very cute; We never quarreled, we played together at school every day, and did our homework together after school, and on the way out of school, it was a rare time in my life;

At that time, I remember, the sky was blue, with a few white clouds, gently, high; The road was full of small traders and vendors pushing tricycles, constantly hawking; On the stairs on the side, the workers ate steamed buns and teased each other, and the streets were full of people coming and going, and it was peaceful; Probably I will never have such a day for the rest of my life, everything is fresh, even the air I breathe is refreshing and fragrant.

Xiao Hao, he is called Xiao Hao here because his parents call him that, not to take advantage, but to be more cordial; Xiao Hao looks more delicate, and he is also white and clean, I remember that I always felt a bit like Li Yifeng at that time; We kind of got together later, in the third and fourth grades. Very easy-going, but also very personal; Many of the games I played were recommended by him, and I always treated him as a younger brother, after all, I later learned that we were from the same country. There were four of us with him, who called themselves a group of four at the time, and the other two will not be repeated one by one, so there is no need to add more text, after all, concise articles are always the most pleasing to the eye.

There are one or two classmates with slightly intellectual defects in primary school life, who still prefer to play with me, and I don't know why, maybe I bring people to be more friendly and moral; Of course, I have always believed that these people should not be discriminated against, they also bring color to the world, but they were born righteously and awe-inspiring to choose the way of life that we do not want to choose, let alone dare to choose; And their parents are even more respectable, bearing grief, resolutely taking care of their children and supporting the family, how to soothe the pain in their hearts?

At that time, my thinking was relatively precocious, and it was quite strange that I had ended up with someone in the fifth or sixth grade; I still don't quite understand what I had in mind; Maybe it's just that the girl is more popular in the class.

Junior high school was my most unforgettable academic career. It's like the Seven Year Covenant I once wrote; The sunlight shines through the window, through the blue curtain reflected on the lotus-like delicate face, the looming outline, the smiling eyes flashing with ice crystals, the sugar in the mouth melts, and the young man's heart melts.

At first sight, it is serene, like a picture on paper and framed; A refreshing blow to my heart; It was a memory of Baiwei, it was a passionate love, and it was a seven-year promise.

Fang Cai's entrance ceremony was also her quietly and without warning into my field of vision; At this moment, the sun is like a spotlight on the stage, focusing on her, the audience with only me, and the stage with only her. The kind of two-person world that is out of reality and suddenly emerges in the space, it is pitch black, only she in the spotlight, and me in the shadows are silent but full of vitality and vitality, and also ignite restlessness and restlessness.

At that time, the first time I saw her, I felt like I was in the Peach Blossom Spring, not a village in a cave, but hundreds of steps between the shores; So, with my immature penmanship, I wrote the first love letter that led me to the path of writing: "They all say that I am a monster, and you are a gentle rabbit, quiet as a virgin; I believe that our union will create a different kind of spark. ”

Before that, I had been writing love letters and love poems for one of the more naughty "gangsters" in my class, and of course, I had also written them for others, but I didn't feel that it was appropriate to come to my own place.

She didn't give an immediate reply, I know, girls, pay a lot of attention to details and emotional foundation for love; And our intersection is just when I am playing, the first thing I look up is always her in the distant window, under the bright golden light; And she always looked at me so coincidentally and smiled.

Two days later, she asked her classmate to bring me a message, but of course she rejected me.

Junior high school students are nothing more than thick-skinned and don't understand feelings; I thought I still had a chance, so I chased after it. Eventually, a week later, she said yes.

In the first days together, we were so engrossed in it that we were really in the textbooks, forgetting the time; I still remember, we chatted on QQ for a whole morning, until 12 o'clock at noon, yes, it was 12 o'clock at noon, I will not be mistaken; I had just gotten out of cram school and she had missed her meal. We suddenly realized that the whole morning of chatting seemed to have only passed a few minutes, and we didn't even notice it.

It's my fondest memory besides her smile.

Time is still rushing without stopping; We will eventually usher in the high school entrance examination and graduation. Just like what Sun Zihan wrote in the song, "The admission letter in your hand is red", but we are the opposite, although I am cynical, I was also admitted to an art high school, and she unfortunately failed because of my blind obedience.

On the day of graduation, I bought a notebook, which was very thick and gorgeous, and of course the price was much worse than the most popular classmate at the time.

Holding the book, he walked through the crowded sea of people and rushed to her: "Sister Xue, I think the first page of my book is only you." "Take the opportunity to hand out the notebook.

She smiled shyly, and the classmates around me were coaxing, but I didn't care, because, when I was with her, everything in the world disappeared, only the breeze, the willow trees, and the familiar campus were left.

I watched her write carefully stroke by stroke; She handed me her notebook, and I tried to write as neatly as I could.

That afternoon, other people's classmates didn't matter, this book was just for her.

After leaving school, I knew that this separation would not be seen again for many years, and I seized every minute and every second to contact her and maintain our love.

However, for some reason, she finally proposed to break up. I frantically admit my mistakes and apologize frantically, like a dying struggle; Admit my negligence and apologize for my obedience, but in the end she is determined to leave.

I made her the first promise of my life, and probably the longest.

I said, "When I have seven years, seven years later, when I graduate from college, if I have achieved something that can give you a good life, I will do everything I can to find you; If I achieve nothing, or if you already have a belonging, then I will disappear from your world forever. ”

I forgot whether she answered or not, and it didn't matter if she answered or not, because that was what I had decided to do, and I had promised her.

Then, when I entered high school, she went to her uncle's house in Taizhou.

For the sake of my promise and meeting her again, I studied hard, and I ranked 27th in the whole grade in the entrance examination, second in the whole grade in the mid-term exam, and first in the whole grade from the final exam to the first half of the second year of high school; Of course, in art high school, everyone's level is not very good, I am also seriously biased, the first in the school of science and science, physics until the end of high school physics has been the leader, and the literature comprehensive, except for geography, is miserable.

In the second half of the second year of high school, there were transfer students in the class, from the city's key high schools, and the halo of the first place in my school was also taken away, leaving only the first in mathematics and physics; Of course, I will never give up for the sake of reunion.

Later, when I went out for training, I should have put down my textbook and concentrated on drawing; In fact, I slack off, I never pay attention to professional classes, probably because I am a little hyperactive and can't sit there quietly.

I tried to contact her, and at the beginning, I made a promise to delete her friend, so that I would "find her at all costs" seven years later, and I also glued the notebook with her contact information back then.

There is no contact information at all, I searched all my classmates, and the same is like evaporating from the world, and everyone has no contact information about her; When I was about to give up, I remembered her best friend, who was just as talkative as she was at the time.

From her best friend, I got her QQ number again and added her back, and at that time, I wanted to see the light in a desperate situation; It's a pity that her first sentence was "We have all grown up, don't fantasize like children, when I proposed to break up, there would be no possibility of getting back together." I made it very clear that we are not the same kind of people anymore. ”

No matter how hard I tried, she still wouldn't give me any chance. At that time, my heart was already cold, but I still had illusions, after all, three years later, she was still alone and did not find a boyfriend again, and I was the same.

Of course, discouragement is certain, she is a decisive person, I know this, although I have illusions, but I know that the chance of realization is only a few percent.

Later, I was also affected by other factors and force majeure, and the university only took an ordinary two-book that could not be more ordinary.

Exam-oriented education made me extremely disgusted with studying, and my university life was relatively free, so I began to let myself go, as long as I didn't fail the course, as long as my GPA was enough to get a bachelor's degree.

During the three years of college, I also contacted her from time to time, and I also tried it, but in the end, I could only "play a gentleman" as Xue Zhiqian said in the song.

Just a month ago, I once again tentatively asked, "I'll marry you after graduation," and this time I had to disappear forever because she already belonged.

Now that I think about it, the persistence of these six years is just fulfilling my promise, and it turns out that the relationship will really be diluted by time; Reminiscing about the time in junior high school, mixing with society, confronting teachers, a few like-minded friends who also like "Dragons", and the familiar environment that has not yet deteriorated.

There wasn't much to write about in high school, just a few first places, a city soccer game, and countless truancy classes; The only thing I can never forget is Mr. Xie, a Chinese teacher; Coincidentally, my least favorite thing is the liberal arts; However, in his mouth, what we learn is not the content of textbooks, but his own unique understanding of philosophy and science, and I admire such a teacher, who can really understand some philosophers or books through his own thinking and his own experience, rather than the rigid copying of a wide range of teachers and so-called high-achieving students; In fact, after reading a lot of articles, I found that most of the reviews and interpretations are very problematic; The author didn't want to write about these things, but he was forcibly added; In fact, no matter what kind of article, whether it is poetry or novel, Chinese literature is more about the rhythm of language, and many of the author's emotions are not simply expressed by words, but through the rhythm between words.

There is nothing to write about in college life, three years of college time, three years of playing games; Just now I uninstalled the game that has been with me for two and a half years, and in two and a half years, I played a full 1121.4 hours, of course, this is just one game.

The novels that are now serialized, in fact, I am sorry for the readers; In the preface and in the first chapters I have stated that it should be written in the form of a diary, and that each chapter should contain some real science or philosophy that cannot be written in books, that is, to promote my own thoughts; However, the sluggish number of views so far made me start the inherent template routine of online novels to tell a very long, "hot-blooded", but boring story; I don't read much online novels myself, he can write very well, I admit, but it is a waste of life to tell a story meaninglessly; Writing a book is for people to read, and for people to read it, it must be nutritious and connotative; Habitual and entertaining enthusiasm is not what I want; And everything was lost to time, perhaps, I have been insisting on writing will be effective, but the character of rushing to achieve results finally led me to the path I least like, although I will keep my original intention, and continue to integrate into my thoughts; Of course, the consequence of betraying oneself is that the results have not improved at all.

Writing and writing, I found that my depiction of the environment and the beauty of my words were exhausted; The joy and curiosity about nature that I used to have can no longer describe, and the articles are not even as good as my high school essays and poems; I'm wondering if I've become a waste, or has the world become the same as it used to be? I finally figured it out before writing this chapter; I've changed, and so has the world.

Wealth and fame have become my shackles; Materialism has become the ethos of society; With the development of the times, the tranquility of the past has long been replaced by busyness; Anyone and organization is calling for a forward-looking look, which is essentially just looking at "money". China's main power generation is thermal power; China's air pollution is caused by factory and car exhaust, however, what disappears with the black pot is the fireworks of the Spring Festival, how sad is this? For the sake of something unnecessary, a big country has abandoned the most important cultural symbol and national symbol of the Chinese nation, which has been inherited for thousands of years!

I can't help but ask, "Am I still the same me?" ”

I've wasted countless hours, but I admit it's there; Although what I do is meaningless and has changed again and again, I remember my original intention and keep my duty.

I don't know how many people can see these 5,000 words, but I have to write them, first, I reflect on myself; the second is nostalgia for the vanishing past; Of course, I emphasize dialectic, and prosperity and development are also obvious, just.