It rained heavily when I got off work today, so I deliberately added a short shift, ready to wait for the rain to light up or stop before setting off. In the past, I used to get wet in the rain because I didn't bring an umbrella, but now I usually keep two umbrellas in the office in case of emergency. Seeing that the rain was light, it was nearly twenty minutes before the end of work. I really didn't want to wait any longer, so I picked up the biggest umbrella, this umbrella I seem to have lent to AH to use, at that time she had just finished from our workshop internship, once it rained and asked me to borrow an umbrella, I was very impressed. I remember, at that time she often seemed to be very tired, at noon would come to the back of our office to change clothes to sit and rest for a while, at that time we had not moved to the new office, at that time there were two long wooden chairs in the dressing room to sit and rest, I sometimes saw her and cared, once I poured a cup of hot water for her, after a while she left, the water didn't seem to drink much, the disposable cup was still cleaned up by me, these memories I still remember now, at least in the past years, My memory is really long-term and clear sometimes.

Speaking of AH adding my friend last night, I regret it now that I think about it, I should have agreed immediately. It seemed to be past ten o'clock, and it was late, so maybe she hadn't returned to the dorm yet, and she might have really asked me for something, but I'm sure she shouldn't be reading in the office, or she would have called me from the payphone. Deleting WeChat is also what I insisted on following AH's request, and she told me that as long as a girl doesn't delete your WeChat directly, you still have a chance. But I can't understand and understand, I have been deleted WeChat, and I have also taken the initiative to delete it, so there should be no chance. I really hesitated at the time, pretending to have gone to bed early and didn't see the message of adding friends, I deceived myself into falling asleep earlier, the phone was placed at the head of the bed, and the slightest movement and vibration or sound made me sleep unsteadily, and occasionally woke up.

I have fantasized about many such scenarios, one day AH suddenly added me as a friend, I want to take the initiative for the first time, I have never met a girl as active as AH, a girl who took the initiative to voice me, so that feeling and trust made me too nostalgic and addictive. It's just that this kind of expectation is sometimes like a dream that is not real at all, just like that day, AH took the initiative to call me a lot of voices, and I didn't receive a bad signal halfway, she may have been in a hurry to call, I remember the first long voice chat that night, the first time a girl chatted with me about those private topics that I was interested in and more obscure, AH really has to be an open girl, informal, the more curious I am about her, the more I want to know, my obsession should come from those chats. I can't let go of her gentle and healing voice for a long time, she is so caring and comforting to others, I rely on that feeling too much for a while.

Looking back, I was really throbbing, those experiences and experiences, those impulses and joys were experiences that I had never experienced before, and all these unprecedented experiences and feelings were brought to me by the appearance of AH. It's just that I've been restraining my liking and missing AH, and I always feel that the thing about adding friends last night is so unreal, and I was really overwhelmed at the time. If I agree, I don't know what I will talk about, and if I break up unhappily, will I delete WeChat again. I really don't have the courage to delete WeChat again, the operation of cutting off contact with the person I like makes me miserable and desperate, I have never been in love, I really experienced the pain of falling out of love at this moment, the feeling of inner loss and empty lack is too unforgettable, even if it has been so long, I will still inadvertently mention it at some point in my heart. Pretending to sleep last night was relatively successful, and I fell asleep after a while, but I didn't have any dreams, since AH took the initiative to add me, whether it was good or bad, I was very happy, and the excitement in my heart was enough to make myself steady, so although the sleep without dreams was shallow and easy to wake up, it was not enough to let myself enter the nightmare. During this period, AH added two or three times in a row, and I really almost agreed, and I finally controlled myself. No matter what, good or bad tomorrow, the little messenger will know when he asks, I convince myself like this. Not adding WeChat is an agreement I have always followed, and I think AH must understand me and will understand me.

Actually, last night's sleep was really shallow, I haven't slept deeply, and my consciousness seems to be awake all the time. Then I picked up my phone and looked at it, the verification message sent by AH asked me to pay attention to safety at work, nothing else, and asked me not to agree to add WeChat friends. I was suddenly moved to a mess, it turned out that she added friends just to let me pay attention to safety, maybe it's just such a simple thing, I was ashamed that I thought too much, but fortunately I kept the agreement and didn't add back WeChat immediately. I replied that life is impermanent, and we can't control it. Life is really too fragile. I know that AH is a very kind and fragile girl who desperately needs a sense of security, and I can't give her the security she needs, she once told me these words. The reason why she wanted to tell me to be safe was that she didn't want to see those accidents or accidents, just like my insomnia, and she was worried that I would die suddenly. These are the truths that I am gradually understanding now, and fortunately, it is in time, at least I will not do some wrong things and cannot make up for it. Liking her but not giving her what she needs, such as a sense of security, is selfish and meaningless. At this moment, I understand very well that I can't be self-righteous, I can't be too selfish, I can't just think about my own thoughts or desires or other curiosities, etc., these principles are all taught to me by AH. I like a person who doesn't talk flatteringly, so I show her and be good to her unconditionally, which is what AH has taught me. I seem to have learned how to like someone, I can't put pressure on her, I can't force her to do things she doesn't like.

It's just that I just woke up at this moment, is it too late, I really shouldn't have a chance. I seem to have guessed the ending of the final result, in fact, I have already seen the result. As AH told me, meaningful experiences and memories are often more important than outcomes. So I'm going to do everything I can in the limited time, before it's over, when I still have the chance, and I'll try everything that's just for her good. Let's take the matter of bringing breakfast every day, I have to do my best to bring her the best breakfast in every detail. It's just an embarrassing day today, the boss of the egg scones is too bad today, and he forgot the egg scones at home and didn't bring them, so he had to settle for the next best thing, and asked for a burrito and specially added an omelette, which is not so monotonous and boring. Thinking of going to the stall next door to buy another scramble, I'm afraid that AH won't get used to it, I'm afraid that she will get tired of eating it, and it's a real strange way of thinking, I know that she doesn't eat spicy, and the side dishes in the stall next door have chili peppers, and AH must not like to eat it.

As soon as the computer was turned on in the morning, I explained to AH the reason why I didn't bring egg scones today, and thanked her for her concern about adding WeChat yesterday, I was very good and safe, etc., thank her by the way. It's just that the planning meeting is over at half past eight, and AH hasn't replied to me yet, so I'm a little flustered and worried. I sent another message asking if the burritos didn't like to eat or were angry with me so they ignored me. She replied this time, saying that she was looking at her phone and was not angry. I can't tell if she's angry or not, but she should be in a low mood, or if someone else makes her angry. I wasn't messaging anymore, and knowing that she was okay and replying to my messages, I could be sure that all day, and it was as simple as that. I was going to send a message to ask her before getting off work, I guess she slept late last night and was not in good shape, did she encounter something, do you need my help, it rained and walked in a hurry, and it didn't have time to turn off the phone.

At the moment, I am writing an early bedtime diary, and it will be nine o'clock soon, I don't know if she is still reading in the office, I really want to call to greet her, listen to her voice, but I hesitated, I was afraid that she would be angry again if I spoke inappropriately, so I still don't fight, and I will send a small messenger tomorrow to see it. Will I call me if she really needs something? Maybe I'm not that important, maybe the first one won't think of me! I also didn't have the courage to ask her roommate N about her situation, such as whether she was back in the dorm room, etc. I didn't seem to mention AH in my chat with fellow N, I think AH is a special existence that I won't mention to others, and there is a specific place in my heart that no one can replace. I didn't talk much with N today, just daily greetings and concerns, and she occasionally mentioned writing.

Except for AH, I didn't tell anyone about my blog and Weibo, as well as the "Early Sleep Diary" that I read on QQ and serialized in Chinese. The early bedtime diary has been updated to 20 issues today, and the inspiration and guidance from AH gave me courage and inspiration, allowing me to find the direction and goal to persevere, and these changes are all changes brought to me by AH. She said she would read it after the exam, and I don't know if she would read it word by word, but I will keep writing it down. Record your life, share your mood, and change yourself. In the vast sea of people, I just hope that my writing can have a fan or reader, and I will have the reason and motivation to continue. I used to tell AH that most of my writing is about you, and I don't know when the protagonist of my writing will change and it will no longer be you, I think you have left my life by then, but the early bedtime diary will still exist. The protagonist may be anyone in life or work, or any stranger you meet on your journey. Writing cured me of insomnia, and AH was the source of all the changes that brought me all, I started to go to bed early and wake up early, started to quit sex and exercised in the morning, and even worked overtime on weekends. The feelings for AH are too complicated, no longer simply like and be curious, there are gratitude, touching and repayment, as well as dependence, and there are many indescribable feelings. Sometimes I look forward to a certain appointed time, and I always feel that something big will happen, and I seem to be able to face it calmly now. Because AH always reminds me that when she finishes the exam, she should talk to me properly, and I am obsessed with the kind of face-to-face conversation that unguardedly tears off the pretense and confronts the fragility and abyss of my own heart, I know that such opportunities are rare, and I have had more than one experience, and I am very content. AH was the first person to know the abyss of my heart, and it was a girl, and I regarded her as a confidante and believed that her words would not be spoken to anyone. I believe in every word she says, every story she tells, I know that her story is only the tip of the iceberg to tell me, she is a girl with a lot of experience and experience, there are too many stories that just don't have the opportunity to tell me again. If I were to write her story into a novel, it would be a wonderful story! I promised that it was just a secret between the two of us, and of course I would only take it to heart, and I would not mention it or write it down.

Tomorrow should not be raining it, after work was hesitant to ride a bicycle, thinking that the next day to bring breakfast to AH, it is easy to be late by bus with breakfast is inconvenient, so I rode home in a raincoat in the rain, but fortunately the rain stopped halfway. I hope tomorrow's breakfast will go well, and I can ask her about her status, I don't want her to stay up late and be distracted because of other things. It's still early today, I was going to write something, but I don't seem to have anything I want to write, so good night!