"Don't-"

Woke up from the nightmare again, covered in sweat, opened his eyes full of fear, and quickly looked around.

I'm on the train.

Across from me was my mother, snoring.

Outside the window, there is the shadow of the dark mountains and trees in the night.

I quickly took out a dime from my coat pocket that had been with me for all these years and held it tightly in the palm of my hand.

I held it in my hand and said silently: Zijun, it's all over, it's all over, it's all over, it's all over...

My mother and I sat in the green car all night, and listened to the conductor announce that the Yanshi had arrived, and Luoyang seemed to be not far away.

Yes, it was the day I went to the university to report. The one who was lying on my stomach to release my fatigue on the other side was my biological mother who helped me pack my luggage overnight and went through the dust all the way, but I didn't live together for a long time.

In order not to spend money in Luoyang, we scraped together enough luggage from the village: old clothes that were washed in four seasons, striped sheets from my junior high school Chinese teacher, bedding left behind by my grandmother when she died, enamel bowls that I had been using in high school, spoons that had been with me for several years, and so on.

There are also thick books that have been accumulated in the past few years of high school.

And the most valuable, a pile of tuition fees in the pocket of my mother's innermost panties.

With these bags on the road, our mother and daughter exhausted all kinds of postures: carrying, lifting, dragging, pulling, dragging, this way we were terrified, from the village to take an ox cart to the township, the township took advantage of Lasha's bucket car to go to the town, from the town to spend money to buy tickets to take a car to the county, from the county to take a shuttle bus to the city center railway station.

We didn't sleep, we didn't eat, we took advantage of the water everywhere, begged and asked, lasted a whole day and a night, and finally successfully queued up for the ticket and got on the green car bound for the northwest.

We used up the last of our strength and set up the luggage shelves. As soon as my butt touched the seat, I didn't want to get up again, but I couldn't resist the hunger tearing in my abdomen, so I got up and took out the mineral water bottle I had picked up, went to pick up the cold water from the toilet faucet, took out two flames that had been shaped by the cracks, handed them to my mother, and began to chew silently.

Let food and water be drained down the throat to fill the stomach that is aching due to the cavity.

After all, it was the first time in my life that I had gone further.

I have always been very competitive in school, and I have always been the first place.

Only the constant number one will make parents feel that they have been poor peasants for generations, and they can actually give birth to materials for school.

Only by leaving the second place far away will I be remembered by the teachers of the school, and I will not let poverty easily cut off my extravagant educational opportunities.

In addition, only by studying hard can I forget the pusular tumor buried deep in my memory when I was 13 years old, and give me the courage to live.

I have always been the first in my class since elementary school, junior high school, and high school, and I have never made any exceptions, but I made the biggest exception at the finish line.

In order to get a household registration for the college entrance examination, I was once asked to leave my grandmother and be taken back to my second home twenty miles away.

This family is my home in the eyes of the world.

Unlike the two-person family with only my grandmother and me, there are more mouths to eat, there are so-called fathers and mothers, and there are also older sisters and younger brothers who have to fight every day.

The only thing that hasn't changed is that they still wear the clothes with patches that adults have changed, what hasn't changed: hunger and poverty, and what hasn't changed is that the mountain road to school is still bumpy.

At the northernmost end of the village where the second home is located, there is a lonely widow old man surnamed Xie, who chatters all day long, and when he opens his mouth, there is a Tianjin Allegro without the accompaniment of the board.

There have been countless times, as long as he sees me, he will laugh strangely, bring his own melody, and sing on rap: Lao Liu's family burns high incense, his black girl is awesome, there is no milk to taste since she was a child, she is as beautiful as a fairy of the phoenix, she is the first to be on the red list every year, and Tsinghua University can be admitted.

Although he seemed to praise me in the village, I resisted him in my heart.

When I saw him from afar, and before I could hear his strange singing, I would turn around and take a detour to a muddy ridge path outside the village. Although the road would pass by the door of the village butcher's house, he would meet the dirty peach yellow dog that barked so wildly that he could not even break free from the hemp rope, and was tied to a peach tree, which was extremely loyal to the few peaches on a peach tree that was unique to his door.

The black girl in Old Man Xie's mouth, in that era, was not about a girl with a dark complexion.

It's because we girls are born secretly outside of family planning, the so-called black households.

The so-called black girl is born without seeing the light of day.

In my childhood memory, whenever there were secretaries, branch secretaries, captains and other big figures in my grandmother's village who wanted to enter the village to investigate, I would be stuffed under the bed by my grandmother and asked not to speak.

Under the originally dark bed, I could actually see night vision, I could see the dark little animals, and I could see the spider fall from the bed beam overhead, slowly climbing the silk and burrowing into my neck.

I saw a centipede crawling on the ground, crawling over the palm of my hand, and then disappeared.

I didn't dare to make a sound, I bit my lip, I was afraid, I trembled, I let them crawl on my young body, into my body, into my soul, so that my soul became more and more cowardly, more and more afraid of death, more and more eager to live...

When I was born, my grandmother didn't let my parents strangle me to death, but resolutely took me away, and at the age of nearly 70, she personally supported me. If I can live, I have to listen to my grandmother and live well.

Moving on to the days of the second home. It was the day of the college entrance examination to live in the school, fortunately, I was able to live in the school, and I didn't go back to the village to meet Old Man Xie many times, but Tsinghua was a spell that kept me tight.

However, fate seems to be a moody man, and he wantonly plays tricks on an ignorant woman like me.

I have never been the first in the exam, but I was an exception in the college entrance examination.

A few nights before the college entrance examination, we were asked to go to the county seat to stay. All of our students who took the college entrance examination went to the county town to live in a middle school not far from our official examination room.

The county seat, this is the first time in my life to go far away.

Everything was fresh, and I was carried away by the joy of the impending opportunity that might change my destiny, and I loosened my grip on the most secret tumor in my spiritual base, and this brief relaxation allowed the memories imprisoned in the deepest layers of memory to break free from their cages like a flood of beasts, again and again.

The memory of this terrible evil spirit awakened the autumn night that I tried to bury deep in my heart with rolls, steamed buns, pickles, sweat and time.

In the nights before the exam, the fear of failure seemed to have become a fatal emergency, and as soon as my eyelids closed, it was the dark early morning, and I walked alone and cautiously on that mountain road: a man in front of me, with a bloody mouth, opened up to me, grabbed my feet, I struggled desperately, kicked the bullet...