Confessions of a "hunter".

My name is Luo Zhijie, I am 33 years old, I am a security guard, and I guard the gate for the teachers and students of Beijiang Middle School every day. I am a child who grew up in a single-parent family. My father was in a traffic accident when I was 3 years old and died. My mother, a laid-off worker, was diagnosed with severe diabetes 10 years ago.

In my memory, from childhood to adulthood, I was dependent on my mother and my mother, and all the expenses of the family came from my mother's meager income, so I lived a poor and poor life. Since my mother was diagnosed with diabetes, in addition to basic living expenses, she also had to pay for her mother's medical expenses every month, and life has become more and more difficult. At that time, I secretly vowed that I must study hard, be admitted to a good university, find a good job, and earn a lot of money in the future, so that my mother can live a good life. My mother also had high expectations for me.

It's not that I don't work hard, it's just that my qualifications are limited. I tried my best, but I still couldn't live up to my mother's expectations. In class, when the teacher teaches the knowledge points, other students can understand it after listening to it once, but even if I listen to it three or four times, I still can't understand it. The head teacher once suggested that my mother take me to have my IQ tested, but she suspected that I was mentally handicapped. My mother accepted the advice of my homeroom teacher and took me to a relevant institution for an IQ test, and the results showed that my intelligence level was lower than the average for my age group. The class teacher decided that I could not keep up with the school's teaching progress and suggested that I transfer to another school. Actually, she was worried that I was dragging the class back. But my mother didn't want to, she always felt that I was no different from other peers, and that if others could sit on it, I would definitely be able to. So, she went the extra mile to urge me. At first, she was very patient, and although her methods were difficult for me to accept—she always used the example of a good child to "motivate" me—but I could understand her good intentions, so I endured it silently. Gradually, after I let her down again and again, she began to become irritable and irritable. Ten years ago, after she suffered from diabetes, she suffered both mental and physical torture, and the number of bad words against me became more and more frequent.

Because of my poor academic performance, I was only admitted to a secondary college, and I was never able to find a suitable job after graduation. At the critical moment, it was the mother who stepped forward again. She was cheeky and sought the help of those around her again and again, tirelessly running through her Weibo network, looking for a glimmer of hope and opportunity for me. The hard work paid off, and with her efforts, I was finally able to enter a large state-owned enterprise. Although I am only the lowest level of manual laborers, I am willing to do it, work hard, get up early and work late. However, the state-owned enterprises have a big business, there are many employees at the bottom, and the interpersonal relationships are even more complicated, which is really difficult for me to cope with with my intelligence and ability. So I was put in small shoes, and after being put in a "stealing" hat, I was fired. My mother was indignant and went to fight for me, but she was scorned and ridiculed, and finally she had to give up. I was reinstated as an unemployed. In the years that followed, I worked as a restaurant waiter, a supermarket cashier, a warehouse cleaner, and so on, but all of them were tactfully dismissed.

During this period, my mother's dissatisfaction with me grew day by day, and every day when I opened my eyes, my ears were filled with all kinds of complaints from my mother.

"I didn't even have a girlfriend in my twenties......"

"You can't learn from others, and you can't find someone else when you look for a job......"

"Where can I want you without a diploma? What else do you think you can do? ”

"It's hard to find a job, why don't you know how to cherish it?"

Three years ago, my mother went back and finally got me a job as a security guard. This time I thought that my suffering had finally come to an end, and God had begun to take pity on me. I was wrong......

Over the years, amid my mother's daily complaints, I became anxious, insomnia, and irritable...... I felt a manic beast inside me, and it seemed as if he wanted to break free from the shackles of my flesh, break out of the cage, and do whatever he wanted. It wasn't until a year ago that I was diagnosed with depression when I couldn't bear to cut my arm with a knife in an attempt to release the beast. After a period of treatment, my condition improved and I thought I was fine.

Early in the morning of June 10, I woke up early, as I have been for the last two or three months, and decided to go for a walk without wanting to face my mother's gloomy face. I usually go to the forest park, which is about 15 minutes away from my home, where the early morning is very lively, and there are many elderly people who are boxing, dancing, singing, and playing chess...... I just went around and watched them. Later, I met a pair of sisters who were about the same age as my mother—they looked alike, I think they should be sisters—and they kept complaining about the facilities in the park when they saw me, and that they were not good here and there. I told them it wasn't about me, and they started yelling at me. I don't understand that if the fitness facilities or recreation areas in the park are damaged, they should go to the park management and what's the use of being mad at me? I explained many times that this had nothing to do with me, but the more they scolded, the more fierce they became, and one of them even called me "not a man". I hate people saying I can't do it the most in my life, my mother says I'll forget it, but others can't, I'm fed up. The beast inside me somehow began to stir again, and I clenched my fists in an effort to suppress the mania in my heart. Fortunately, the two left soon after.

The next morning, I walked around the park as usual. At this moment, a woman shook past my eyes, the same woman who scolded me yesterday for being "not a man". A pair of golden hoops hung from her earlobes, shining brightly in the sun. The light stung my eyes and stabbed my self-esteem. It seemed to laugh at my cowardice and cowardice, as its master howled and cursed before me. It reminds me of my mother, who also has a pair of hoops like this on her earlobe. Whenever she threw a tantrum at me, the pair of ear rings would swing in disgust under the agitation of her cheeks.

The trapped beast in my heart suddenly became restless, full of anger surging, and I made a fool of myself to keep up with her. She was exercising alone that day, with no one else around. I saw her walking along the stone-paved path into the depths of the forest, and I quietly followed her. At first, she was athletic, fast-paced, and flapped her palms from time to time, and I was afraid to get too close for fear of being spotted by her. It wasn't until she sat down on a bench that I walked around behind her before she was prepared, picked up an irregular palm-sized stone from the ground, and rushed forward with an arrow step, smashing the stone in my hand hard at the back of her head. She fell to the ground with a muffled thud.

Seeing the woman fall to the ground, the mania in her heart calmed down. But the pair of glittering golden rings on her ears still seemed to exude a mocking air. I leaned down and ripped them off one by one. How can you continue to be arrogant this time? With the joy of victory, I went away like a chivalrous man who had defeated evil.

Such a "great victory" made me taste the sweetness, and the pleasure in my heart could not dissipate for a long time, and the beast in my heart was also greedily sucking this provision. However, the good times did not last long, and just over a week later, the "demon" came to me again.