Xiao Xia, my mother guesses that her impression of you is outdated. In the time when I can't touch you and can't see you, my mother imagines you like she is fantasizing about the light in a dark room. The most imaginary thing is your voice, your face, and the feeling of hugging you.

Now you are changing rapidly every day and growing up rapidly. Maybe you and your mother's impression of the little girl are no longer alone. Maybe you've become a person of your own entirety. And in your mother's vivid memories of the harsh summer sun, you are still calm and reserved, with deep thoughts in your eyes, unlike many children of your age.

In my mother's memory, you were a child who didn't like to be bound, and this kind of bondage also included being embraced.

At this point, mom is very different from you. At this point, maybe you're more like Dad.

Dad also doesn't like physical contact, he doesn't like to be snuggled in the winter, and even more so in the summer. All year round, holding hands and hugging are all refused. Looking at it now, maybe it's just that Dad doesn't want to be with Mom, not necessarily because he doesn't like to be so close.

Mom is the opposite, mom likes to be hugged, likes to snuggle up with her lover, these behaviors are an indispensable part of mom, is a channel for mom to experience love. Now when my mother falls asleep, she will fantasize that one day she will meet someone who loves me, she will really hug her mother, and when she goes out, she will naturally hold her hand, and sometimes she will hold her waist. Fantasizing about the touch of love can make mom sleep in a safe and warm feeling.

Xiaoxia, my mother often doesn't dare to miss you. Losing you, that kind of excruciating pain, so that Mom can't even afford to catch a glimpse of this disaster from time to time. Even if you are in a distant place, writing for you and telling you will make your mother lift the pen and wash her face with tears.

Mom is fast every day, and before her heart has time to notice, she secretly imagines the feeling of hugging you into her arms again. That kind of happiness will flash like an electric current. And the loss after that will be like a sharp knife, making the mother pay the price for the rest that has just been withdrawn from reality.

Mom clearly remembers the feeling of hugging Xiao Xia, and even remembers the smell of the air in that moment, the feeling of sweat beads rolling down her chest, and the slight soreness in her back, everything was burned like a perfect sensory documentary. Hugging you, Mom can smell the smell of your body wash, the soft touch of your hair, the smell of your sweat, the appearance of your lips and eyes, and your simple voice. Every time you blink, Mom can hear the sound of your eyelashes, which are two butterflies flapping their wings. At that time, your real existence was within reach, incredible.

Mom also remembers the hug with Dad, which may be different from the love described in the book. Mom didn't skip a heartbeat because of the first hug with Dad. But this is not a mistake or a cripple, because my mother has only skipped once for love since she was a child, and she has never had it since.

The hug with my dad gave my mom the safest feeling. The quiet, precipitated feeling of the heart being completely immersed in the water, and the ears of the heart not hearing any noise.

This kind of hug has not changed at the beginning of the marriage, after the mother conceived you, and later when the marriage broke down, it has always been the most needed thing for the mother.

Because of this hug, it conveys the sense of security brought to the mother's marriage. The married life I love may no longer have a connection with my father, but by embracing this action, it continues to be here with my mother, continuing a sense of dependence and goodwill for the marriage. To this day, my mother still remembers the feeling of being surrounded by my mother in a marriage harbor, and the warmth still intoxicates me.

And it is very embarrassing to hug someone who doesn't feel or doesn't like it. Mom used to hug someone she didn't love, and the dead silence was very tragic and occasionally ironically funny.

Embracing others hotly, even sweating, but feeling nothing, even anxious, and constantly asking myself, am I still alive, am I a person with feelings. When she couldn't even convey her feelings with a hug, Mom felt like the walking dead.

Such a jerky scene eventually formed a cloudy fragment of vomit in the memory, and every time I thought about it, my stomach would roll with discomfort.

Xiao Xia, you may often hang on your grandparents like a sloth now, and there should be many hugging moments that you can enjoy. At this age, my mother can't remember the last time she and her grandfather hugged her.

Not only that, but now my mother is very afraid of physical contact with my grandparents, and even if my arms accidentally touch, they will immediately retract. I can't tell why I'm like this. In those TV dramas, the adult daughter who snuggled up to her mother as soon as she got home, no matter what age she was, was intimate with her parents holding hands and coquettishly, her mother had never experienced it, and she couldn't do it now. But if you carefully search your own history, there is no milestone-like story, and the three of us are so completely separated, and there is no special event that makes us so strange. But that's it, little by little, unconsciously, my mother and grandpa lost the intimacy that they could hug each other.

Mom sometimes thinks that this may be because she has never been tamed by her grandfather. Their attempts, from various angles and modes, are naked and imperceptible, all of which are clearly displayed in front of their mothers. And these practices of hoping to put the collar around the mother's neck eventually kept the mother away from them.

Mom may have fought fiercely, but Mom doesn't remember anymore. Most of the time, mom should just keep her eyes open and silent. In the end, Mom was like a primitive person, fleeing from danger and running away from them.

If the hearts of the three of us are a gloomy swamp, in the gray mist, my mother sees that she is running in confusion and fear, running and turning her head back, turning back and stumbling into the distance, just like that, leaving them and disappearing into the fog.

Xiao Xia, thinking of you, thinking of Dad, thinking of grandparents, grandparents, and Mom suddenly felt that she was wrong. Mom overestimates her powerlessness and overaffirms Grandma and Dad's ability to take care of you. When encountering the impact of life, my mother has no self-confidence, and what is the ability of a person who has been abandoned by the family to give you happiness. But that's a trance from an emotional outburst, that's wrong, right?

Maybe in fact, mom is the one who should live with you, and mom is the one who can give you more happiness. Mom should give you a hug every day, give you love and warmth every day, that's right, isn't it?

Xiaoxia, your mother will always love you, and she will always be willing to be by your side, and she will always want to give you a hug at any time, and you will always be your mother's sun.