The night was already dark, and Xu Jingjia was lying on the bed. The moment the quilt was covered, the quilt was like a wave of fear drowning Xu Jingjia.

Fear climbed into Xu Jingjia's heart like a vine, until it tightly wrapped her whole person, unable to get rid of it, and unable to get rid of it.

When life repeats itself endlessly, the end of each day becomes a source of fear for Xu Jingjia. Because Xu Jingjia knows very well that only her every day is constantly repeating, and time is indeed slipping away every day.

Xu Jingjia lay flat on the bed, and every slight sound in her ears became the reason why Xu Jingjia couldn't sleep.

Or maybe it was because the pillow suddenly rose and the mattress suddenly became petrified, and it is not known.

In the last moment, Xu Jingjia felt that she was about to fall asleep. In the next second, the "click" sound that came from nowhere told Xu Jingjia that it was a misunderstanding.

Xu Jingjia opened her eyes, clearly feeling physically and mentally exhausted before she was ready to sleep, but now she is getting more and more energetic. Xu Jingjia really didn't think about anything, her head was empty, and she didn't dare to turn on the light of her mobile phone or alarm clock to confirm, because she was afraid that it would drive away her residual sleepiness.

This kind of night is extremely long, so long that Xu Jingjia can break it apart minute by minute. However, even such nights have a time to pass. Xu Jingjia, who used to always like to steal time to work at night, finally saw the sky gradually brighten up on such a night.

The moment she saw the bright light that penetrated the room, Xu Jingjia's fear gradually rose to an extreme. During these nights, Xu Jingjia finally learned that even if she didn't sleep, the sky would still be bright.

She couldn't keep a day.

======

When night came, Xu Jingjia lay down on the bed again and prepared to sleep.

After lying down, with fear comes those disorganized thoughts that linger in my mind. Xu Jingjia knew that this was destined to be another night that was difficult to sleep.

Those words that could not be avoided seemed to be replayed in Xu Jingjia's ears sentence after sentence, and the unwillingness, grievances, regrets, shame and indignation that filled her mind formed a storm out of control, making Xu Jingjia's head tense and swimming in her chest.

Xu Jingjia's heart couldn't calm down, and she didn't want to calm down.

Xu Jingjia wanted to refute, but Xu Jingjia knew very well in her heart that what people said was true. Their rhetoric and accusations are all aimed at what she has said and done, and even Xu Jingjia herself can't find any fault. However, the sadness in Xu Jingjia's heart did not alleviate a little because of this cognition.

Xu Jingjia felt that she was gradually losing her voice, because she found that she was always saying something insincere. I don't know when Xu Jingjia needs to be serious and responsible for every joke she has said on every occasion in her life, and those stupid and ridiculous feelings that suddenly come to her whims in private.

Even, Xu Jingjia sometimes thinks that maybe the self in their mouth is the real self. Xu Jingjia began to be unable to distinguish what she should do, because it was wrong to echo, it was wrong to refute, and it was wrong to be silent.

The storm raged in Xu Jingjia's mind for most of the night before it subsided. Whenever the storm subsided, Xu Jingjia's eyes were open, feeling the remaining tense feeling between her skull.

At this time, Xu Jingjia is always glad that she is not crazy.

Thankfully, she's not crazy yet.

======

Another night.

That night, Xu Jingjia thought she would be able to fall asleep easily. However, the pain in her abdomen and back did not make Xu Jingjia get her wish.

Xu Jingjia is familiar with this kind of pain, and it only appears when she is nervous. Ms. Xu didn't know if the source of the nervousness was because she had just heard a voice message from an old classmate in the United States, or because she was going to church on Saturday to attend the liturgy.

Even if Xu Jingjia's consciousness forgets, her body will always remember it for her, and remind Xu Jingjia with pain in time. The pain was not intense, but it was enough to make Xu Jingjia toss and turn in bed for a whole night.

People may not understand, or they may think that this is just a dispute between friends and companions, and it is not a big deal. After all, Xu Jingjia was not physically assaulted, nor did she suffer property losses, so this incident should just be an episode in her growth. Xu Jingjia is still Xu Jingjia, not only does she not seem to have the feeling of the rest of her life, nor has she experienced the vicissitudes of the world, and now Xu Jingjia even looks like she has some kind of happy childishness.

Xu Jingjia also wanted to laugh it open-mindedly, but whenever Xu Jingjia returned to life with confidence, they would always remind Xu Jingjia in time that Xu Jingjia was still in their net, and Xu Jingjia was still just a small fish in their net, without the slightest strength to resist.

Xu Jingjia knew in her heart that she had to climb out, and she was going to climb out immediately. However, there was another voice in his heart that told Xu Jingjia that in fact, it might not be a big deal to stay like this for a while. Xu Jingjia knew very well that she didn't want to work hard anymore, and what this voice said was what Xu Jingjia really wanted to do.

Xu Jingjia slowly lost her sense of other things around her, and could only clearly feel that she who had lived in Xu Jingjia's body was being killed by them little by little.

Looking back at the diary she had written and the things she had done before that, Xu Jingjia felt as if those things had never been relevant to her. Even if Xu Jingjia wanted to, she couldn't find her original color anymore, and she couldn't even remember how she had become that "she" in the past.

Xu Jingjia only knew that all she had left was an empty shell. Most of the time, Xu Jingjia could no longer feel any other emotions other than pain.

It's always easy to give up, but it's really hard to stick with it.

Many who counsel others like to say, "If you dare to die, why don't you have the courage to live? Why don't you have the courage to face the problem?"

Whenever she heard such words, Xu Jingjia knew that this person really didn't understand.

However, they can't be blamed, it's just that they really haven't experienced it, so they don't understand.

In fact, the reason is very simple, but it is also a matter of perspective and perspective. Survival is human instinct, for ordinary people, it takes great courage to die, but for those who want to commit suicide, death is already the easiest option at the moment.

That's why death has its appeal.

However, during those countless painful nights, Xu Jingjia reminded herself all the time: "Xu Jingjia will live, no matter what."

Whether it is faith or self-hypnosis, Xu Jingjia relied on these words to survive those countless nights.