【0403】

In recent years, I feel that my greatest mental growth has been when I have learned a maxim that everyone has been reciting since they became literate: "People don't know and don't get angry." "One day I suddenly re-understood it and realized that it had been so far away from me.

"Isn't it a gentleman's cultivation that others don't understand you and don't get angry about it?"

I haven't been angry about this for a long time, and from the bottom of my heart, I'm even surprised by it. This is a very rare ability that needs to be honed from time to time. Similarly, "If you don't suffer from others, you don't know yourself, and you don't know people when you suffer from them." "This latter one is so difficult that I can only remember it once in a while.

【0411】

Today I was in a mixing class to do practice, and I told the professor between classes that I was leaving, and he said why, and I said that it didn't feel like it was helpful here. He said what help do you want? I said I just felt too stressed to be here.

I walked out and found a place in the hallway where no one was, sat in it and cried for five minutes, then went to the vending machine and bought a bag of crispy wedges to eat. When I looked up halfway through eating, I noticed the professor walking over. He's going to come out of class time anyway. I was embarrassed to hold the chips in my mouth. The professor snorted.

Damn, skipping class to eat potato chips is too inferior.

Of the 40 students enrolled in this year's class, four dropped out last semester and three have dropped out this semester. Among them is the classmate I mentioned last time, who fired the art on the set. In contrast, I didn't encounter anything unbearable. I did well in the film, I met reliable partners, I had someone to spend my birthday with, and professors were willing to help me apply for scholarships. I must have been able to count it as having a good time.

At this point, I feel like I'm going to shed tears again.

【0414】

I dreamed that I was filming a child, and the lighting was not right, and when I looked back, the little actor's age became younger and younger, and finally he became a baby and began to cry. I hurriedly said, let's shoot it like this without tuning, but when I look at the lens, it's even uglier than the original. I didn't think I could see it or I had to tune it, but the words were already out, and everyone was packing up, and I was so anxious that I didn't know what to do - and then I woke up.

Recently, I have been particularly happy about a few things, one is that I bought a large comb, the thick one with many rows of teeth. I grew up using a single-tooth comb, and I've only seen this kind of big comb in a hairdresser's shop, and I never thought it could be related to me! Last month, Ah Zi came to visit and brought a big handful of combs, which simply opened the door to my new world. I went to buy one when I sent her away, and I combed it every day, and my quality of life improved significantly!

I also bought new duvets and duvet covers. When I came earlier, the quilt cover was given for ten yuan to buy an old desk lamp, which was too rough, and I often felt that my arm was rubbing hot. Two weeks ago, I decided to change the equipment, and I bought 20 dollars and 45 dollars respectively, but I couldn't sleep after tossing and turning. In the end, I finally made up my mind to buy a 70-dollar quilt cover, and I finally didn't feel like shaving my skin! On Sunday morning, I rubbed under the quilt for two hours and felt very happy.

On a night at the end of March, I had a fire on the street with my friends, each holding a small can of strawberry wine. I pulled out my phone, which was running out of battery, and showed her footage of Tarkovsky filming a campfire. She said: Can you live a poor life just to make your favorite movie? I can't anyway.

I thought to myself, I might as well give it a try. But when I think of the sheets I tossed over and over, I thought it would be better not to talk too soon.

Some time ago, I always wanted to write some records, but the words came to my lips and I didn't know how to write them down. I always have a lot of pain in my heart, but also a lot of happiness. Overall, in terms of life and study, it was a little smoother than last semester. On my flight to California at the beginning of the year, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't imagine how to find the actors and how to shoot the script. Now that I'm out of the water, I'm really good at doggy swimming.

But when I touched the door of this new realm, more pain was born. Fear and thirst hit me in every sudden crevice. Stories are of living ghosts, roaming furiously in huge dens, screaming about their past and future. Like a child hidden under a desk, I glimpsed their chaotic shadows on the floor in front of me.

The script on domestic violence, which I originally wanted to shoot during the summer vacation, was put on hold for the time being, because I had no experience in dealing with road and vehicle shooting. Next semester, a student is going to film a car accident and plans to observe his experience before doing this project. Now I plan to do a history story on vacation.

In October, I plan to make a thriller story: the mother thinks her daughter is disobedient and sends her to have brain surgery, but she ends up in a black workshop. It's a bit sci-fi, but I want to do it in a more retro style: narrow porches from the 80s, dirty tiles, distorted false advertising on TV.

I plan to come back during the winter vacation to shoot a short story by Lu Xun: "In the Restaurant". I've always liked this one, especially the bleak winter flavor of the south. I used to wonder why no one seemed to have taken a madman's diary and medicine yet, but it was probably more suitable for animation, and it needed to be in the style of black woodblock prints.

Next year I want to do an adaptation of the story, Chekov's "The Man in the Suit".

【0416】

I often know that I don't have the chance to be a "real" artist. I have so much anger in my heart, so much intolerance that my eyes are looking at everything in a bad way. When I tell it, I want to shout, and when I show it, I want to make a declaration. I was born as it is, and I am destined to be impure.

Sometimes I look at myself like a stiff, clumsy dead tree. I was covered with thorns, and there were many green leaves that I tried to disguise, and there was not a single real flower.

It is the flower that falls from a high place and trembles on my rough branches, how long can I keep it, and how can I provide for it?

【0428】

I was half-asleep and felt like I was floating forward in a small boat

It was so real

Even when I wake up now, I feel the flesh surging under my skin

As if not willing to stay here and disperse

【0416】

I've been wrestling with me for a long time

【0424】

Recently it was on the verge of collapse

But I can't say what happened

【0429】

A great thing happened today

I was very happy and inspired

I feel like I can work hard again

(Note, now that I think about it, a friend who read the script and said that it was very similar to his own experience.) ）