【0103】

After lying down for two weeks, I finally feel a little better.

It's a feeling of regaining a sense of security. Know that the world isn't going to be a mess all of a sudden. Sleep under an eaves that won't suddenly go wrong.

But how long can this comfort last?

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【0106】

Only after playing civilization did I know that I was a war maniac (.

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【0106】

The Murder of Dickens

The way the characters are created is so interesting

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【0109】

Give me power, god of codewords.

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【0110】

It's too hard to write an essay (

It doesn't make sense (

Every sentence is not difficult, but there is not enough perseverance to stick around and spell them out completely, and I don't understand why it takes so much energy (

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【0113】

Wake up to find yourself in your room in Los Angeles with a sad howl.

But if I don't make a film this semester, I'll be a little more relaxed.

This year's goal is to exercise well, eat well, and write well.

I bought a set of pots, and when I went to buy some spices, I didn't have anything to eat at home.

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【0115】

I slept on and off for hours and woke up still without dawn. I had a headache and a sore throat, and I felt inflamed.

I forgot to bring my U.S. mobile phone number, and I dreamed that someone wanted to contact me for work and couldn't find it, and I woke up and felt very surprised: how could so many people look for me.

When there is nothing to do, I want to contact no one.

When I was half-asleep on a plane over the weekend, someone asked me what the core of the story was, and I replied: people's hearts are in danger, and the Tao is only small. When I woke up, I felt a little funny, ha, the ideal is too ambitious.

I thought about buying food two days ago, but I still haven't bought it, and I may have to rely on takeout to save it.

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[0118] (self-visible)

A friend put my 2010-2015 summary on top, opened it and looked at it, and I was very emotional. Because it seems that some articles from a long time ago read very smoothly, but now they don't.

I can't help but wonder if I look back at the articles I wrote now and five years ago, and I will feel that the previous ones are better. Because the writing at that time revealed a lot of real thoughts, using natural and familiar brushwork, but now it has been going down the road of becoming more and more jerky.

I wasn't frustrated because I knew how I got there. But suddenly, it seems that I have a new understanding of myself.

From the bottom of my heart, I wanted to create a work that was highly finished, beautiful and dignified. To be beautiful, it is not only necessary to show off the bright places, but also to be "neat" and maintain a roughly equal level in every part. And dignity means "heavy" and "difficult" - maybe not the right word, but if you think of an expensive costume, it may explain this image - it may not look gorgeous, but it has to put a lot of energy into it that is unattainable, and disassemble a large number of threads that are not usually visible, to prove its worth.

Of course, this is not a necessary ingredient for a good work. But this desire for grandiose works is the shackles of those improvisations that come from the soul, and it is also the one that persistently torments me (or us?) in my creations. ).

wrote about the parable of the Chinese costume, and suddenly thought of the proverb: persuade the king not to cherish the golden clothes, and persuade the king to cherish the youth. My teenage years were fleeting, and I had exhausted my fantasies about the new clothes that were carved in gold.

Some time ago, I read Dan Simmons's last Dickens, and there is a passage in him that laments the fate of the writer: to exchange fresh life for pieces of waste paper that no one pays attention to, and I don't know how much precious time we can be willing to exchange for these papers when we are dying.

It seems a bit frustrating to write like this, but I didn't mean it, haha. Not long ago, I watched the story of the theme of time-traveling, and I couldn't help but fantasize about how I would change my life if I went back to ten years ago. The answer is that I wish I had started writing a few stories on my hand much earlier. The ancients said that they would never regret the gradual widening of the belt, and it seems that they have somewhat realized it. I am destined to weave time between weaving words. Since time can't be turned back, I have to spend more in the moment.

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【0119】

It's really bad to be sick. Nothing planned was done. After taking too much medicine, my tongue is numb, and I drink water bitterly.

I finally got my phone back.

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[0119] (self-visible)

It's so uncomfortable, I'm worried that I'm going to die quietly, and I don't think I'll die now. On second thought, there is no particular reason. Caesar and the First Emperor thought that they were not dead. Set an alarm clock to drink water every hour. After lying on the bed for a long time, it was really difficult to breathe, and suddenly I turned down the bed to find the medicine box, threw the messy medicine box aside, and took all the medicine that seemed to be symptomatic.

It was as if it was a new stage of life that intervened into my senses. When I was sick, I felt that the word "doctor" was different from what it used to be. Experience, experience, experience. I remember the feeling of bronchitis, as if a long bifurcated tube was stuck upside down in my throat, with a hole leaking at the end, and a cold wind was blowing in. I remember the feeling of the infusion blood flowing backwards, the red blood in my veins gushing endlessly, and my arm was cold, as if I was trying my best to feed it anymore. I remember the pain of a high fever, and my body was like a piece of soaked dough, and when I poked it, the skin peeled off in pieces. And I suspect that these are all illusions, a solo dance of my mind. It is too free to endure loneliness, and all the little things are magnified in its prism.

Death is not a big deal, the terrible thing is that you are sick, and you must be able to get better soon. But there is a lot of unfinished schoolwork. Beneath the eye lives a tired grasshopper. Soap in the throat, or shell.

When I wasn't sick, I saw things in the world that had nothing to do with illness. I was sick, and I remembered how unusual it was. My character is going to get sick, and this sickness should affect his judgment, weaken his perception, and almost kill him, and in a spiritual struggle, success or failure depends on the fragile earthly shell of man—I didn't believe in such things when I was a healthy person, and now that I'm sick, it sounds reasonable, and I think about it. By the end of the month, I'm sure I'll forget about it again.

Our barren perception, a shriveled colander, suddenly enters the quagmire of the world, in a vain attempt to salvage the color of life. Experience the spring gushing in, the experience dripping down, the experience of permeating the remnants of the ink at the end of the desperate pen, clinging to the edge of the cold iron. Experience, what kind of pain has opened our senses in the darkness, what heals the void, what it leaves behind, what it takes away. Are we too weak or too tenacious to make the touch, no matter how deep, fade into a scratch on the paper?

After this boring cold and I will unfortunately get better by the end of the month. But how unusual the sentence "He was so sick that he almost died" in that glorious moment was in my heart.

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【1024】

In the script class, the homepage is staggered with stills from the Spring Festival Gala and Wuhan's help-seeking information.

Gary asked me if I didn't feel a sense of substitution because I was a native speaker. Wrote him an email explaining that it was a personal situation.

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【0128】

These two days have been really sad.

The spirit is also very fragile 😂 today, and the quiz teacher said a word to me, and I simply handed in the blank paper (.

It's really hard to live in the world. One of them is to understand the boundaries between yourself and the collective. The power gained from the group is illusory, but the isolation from the group makes people fall into silence.

After taking several different American medicines, it does stop coughing but it seems to be a bit of a whirlwind (. I was doing my homework, so I was so dizzy that I had to crawl back into bed. I thought about it for a moment and forgot what I was writing before. I was very frustrated.

We often feel that our memories are very shallow, and our senses are very far away from the truth.

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【0129】

I woke up today and wrote an email to my professor on Thursday morning, and I said that I couldn't maintain my spirits, and I said that while my family was safe, I had witnessed the breakdown of dozens of families in the last seven days, and it had had too much of a negative impact on me. I need a little time to calm down and rethink my own life.

When I finished writing, I couldn't cry under the quilt, I got up to get water, and when I walked on the floor, I felt my shoulders fall down, and I was so sad that I couldn't lift my head.

I hate arguing with people, I don't like to express opinions, and I don't even like to talk to people. But in recent days, I have often typed out harsh rhetorical questions on Weibo, which also makes me very unhappy.

Yesterday I dreamed that I was a character in my own pen, and I felt so happy to write the story slowly in the story, and I hope to have that dream again.