【0403】

I got up at night and took melatonin, but I couldn't help but take it out. I guess I can't stay alone until September, I'm going to go crazy.

Recently I wanted to write something for myself as a gift.

In fact, there is a lot of material, and the two paragraphs I wrote recently are both I like.

They're all about the internal, unsettling stuff. Actually, for me, the reason why the story doesn't need to be complete is here. I made up the body and grabbed the nourishing parts. It's like mother-of-pearl that I chew over and over again, and it's hard to find something shiny, and the grit rustles under my tongue.

What I swallowed over and over again, and even comforted me in the dark, were those discussions of doubt, of crying that there was no way out, that they were desperate. When they fall into sentences, they come out of the mouth of the illusory. It was a pleasure for me. For four mornings in a row I woke up gloomily, lying in bed, eyes closed, fantasizing about a girl living somewhere illusory, hysterically cursing the tutor on the couch and attacking each other with all her poor vocabulary. She cried out, "You have given me the freedom to open my eyes—only to satisfy the greed of your heart!" I think this story is good and meaningful. After thinking about this, I was calm and could get up and eat.

I'm such a hard person to please. There's a lot of struggle in what I like. I like ambivalence and isolation, craving the unattainable. When my mind fell into darkness, I vented my grudges with fantasies. I like to watch people debate and expose unpleasant facts. The truth fell on their faces as if it were also crossed by the side of my face, and I felt myself by the stinging that some kind of long snake coiled in a dimly lit bedroom would only wriggle when its scales were scraped.

-

【0405】

I didn't know how it felt to be broken

Is it a tradition of the past or a newly born normal

Every sleepless night for the past ten years, when I claim to be in pain, my breathing, my guts, the burning sensation in my stomach

Is it the same as this?

Living in time is like a boat that never looks back

Fall off the waterfall

Pain for forgetting and remembering at the same time

In the next life

"I want to make a white tree that grows on the green slopes of Tuscany.

For a lifetime, all you face is the earth that flows like honey in the sun. ”

-

【0408】

It's raining. The rain rustled on the glass.

It's going to rain next week, and many people in the circle of friends are complaining. But I'm happy and feel like I can make it my birthday present.

It's been hard to concentrate lately. Except for doing homework, I barely accomplished anything. But there is also a lot of homework. I rushed to edit my homework until 2 a.m., and the ambulance outside the window went three times, and I felt a strange sense of absurdity. At the end of the semester, we also have to take the certificate, so we can start preparing for the review. I looked at the 600-page textbook and asked if there was a sample volume. The professor smiled and said no.

Well, at least I've heard that retakes are free.

Last week, the school sent an email to survey the number of students enrolled in the next semester, mentioning that it is possible that the next semester will still be online. Course selection opened on Monday, and we found that the film school had no electives except for the core courses and the optional courses of full-time professors. I watched the news today and said that the San Francisco Art Institute is considering closing due to funding issues.

Your art world is too fragile, and I only have plans for the future to the point where I can't graduate and take a year off, and I really didn't expect the school to close down.

But I guess our school can still hold on, and some time ago we opened up an emergency fund for students in need.

I counted the refrigerator, and I still had a bag of shrimp, a box of pork knuckles, a box of pork belly that I could eat about twice, a box of chicken breasts, a box of tofu, half a box of green peppers, three potatoes, four carrots, two deflated greens, a bag of steamed buns, four large oranges, and instant noodles that could indeed be eaten for a month. The U.S. government advised everyone not to go to the supermarket for the next two weeks, which felt difficult to do.

Little Bear, who is also in Los Angeles, has been telling me that I can buy Fresh and Whole foods for delivery, as well as Yamibuy Fresh and Whee. I scrolled through Amazon until 3 a.m. for a week without touching the window once. The rest of the websites were searched one by one and found that they were not within the scope of delivery.

The Federation of Students said that you can receive a health kit when you register, there are 20 masks, a box of disinfectant tissues and a box of Lotus Qingwen, but it is first come, first served, and only the first 30 have it. It was late when I signed up, I could get ten disposable masks, and I had two boxes of pollen masks that I bought in a panic in February. Just don't.

The last time I kept a diary, I mentioned that the British Prime Minister was diagnosed with a diagnosis, and he was already in the ICU at this time.

I haven't paid so much attention to the data in recent days. Just now, I just had to record it, and the United States has confirmed 400,000 cases. Los Angeles is just over seven thousand. I have 25 in this neighborhood.

In fact, because I have seen so many reports, I don't seem to feel whether these numbers are too small or too much, and whether the situation is getting better or worse.

Yesterday morning, 599 deaths were reported in New York. Friends in Manhattan said they felt like their brains couldn't understand it: Did it mean that fifty people were dying every hour?

At this time, I had a feeling of extreme detachment. There are 20 million people in New York, if you understand it that way. There are seventy-seven billion on Earth. On weekdays, every second, there are people who are born and die. The temporary isolation, deprivation, fear and uncertainty we have endured for the future is the norm that people in many parts of the world have endured for so long. I've recently started to get anxious because I've run out of fresh milk and can't mix coffee. But in Africa, even in large cities like Cape Town, residents may not have running water.

That's how I described it to my friend two months ago. I say that this sudden mass catastrophe has really changed the way I see the world. I can feel it sowing new content in my head. I feel more obligated to participate in the world, and I feel more of my own small and precious existence. When I watch some unpopular movies, I start to empathize with those unique expressions. As I sat by the window and rewatched an independent film that I once described as "shaky," the camera was desperately out of focus on people's faces, and for a moment I almost blurted out: I see.

The expected stay-at-home until May may become a stay-at-home until September. I gave myself some courses and wrote a serious syllabus: if watching art films is a 16-week course, what is the fixed class time per week, what homework do you have to submit each week, and what goals do you want to achieve in the middle of the term...... It sounds like nothing to do, but not bringing your PC to the U.S. because you want to prevent yourself from playing games is really the most failed decision of the year!