【0317】

In fact, it is now half past three in the morning of the 17th. With nothing to do at home, it is inevitable that the schedule will be chaotic. On the morning of the 16th, I woke up until five o'clock and searched for information on various housing and second-hand cars: the house I lived in was due in May, my roommate was going back to China, and I had to think about how to arrange it in the future. The moving company and the warehouse are out of business, how to move things. If you live in an area far away from the shopping area, you are worried that it will be inconvenient to have no car during the special period, and if the location is good, the house price is very high. If you don't do anything for a few months, the psychological pressure will be great.

When I posted my last essay, many friends gave me advice on epidemic prevention, but in fact, the first thing I was worried about was the rent.

But today, it's basically all done, at least if the epidemic continues into the summer, it won't fall to the point of nowhere to go, which can be regarded as a sigh of relief.

I woke up after sleeping for a while and saw that the circle of friends said that San Francisco was under lockdown. I messaged my friend over there and she said it wasn't a big problem. I wrote it down on a scrap of paper, and it was written "Spanish blockade", "French closure", "Lombardy mortality rate 9%", and if I didn't know the background, I thought it was a world war. At ten o'clock, the supermarket opened, and I got up and went to the supermarket. It's been a rare rainy season lately. The sky is a damp gray. It looks very weird.

I went to the supermarket, and like last time, it wasn't that I was short of things, but I wanted to get a feel for the surrounding area. Of course, everyone told me not to go out, but staying at home and not knowing the situation is more scary than the virus. I had planned to go to the supermarket on Monday because I heard that it would be restocked on Monday. After walking in and looking, I found that drinks, convenience foods, and medicines were indeed restocked, and the shelves said that they were limited purchases. But vegetables, fruits, aquatic meats, and eggs and dairy are empty.

I asked the mall manager that they were scrambling to hire more people and would change their business hours to 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. in the future. I bought two bags of frozen shrimp, two baguettes, thought about it, and brought another pot of green plants.

As early as the 11th, I began to try to place an order for Amazon Fresh Supermarket, and after being repeatedly canceled, I said that it could be delivered on the evening of the 16th. On the afternoon of the 16th, I received a delivery email and found that the list of 140 dollars had been deleted into 30 dollars. Unexpectedly, it was not delivered after ten o'clock, and the order was cancelled directly.

Well, I posted a complaint, and then I heard from a friend that the two-hour fresh food at Whole Foods was still delivered.

I looked around on the Whole Foods website, and the eggs and milk were all out of stock, so I chose fish, two pumpkins and steaks, and after thinking about it, I added a bottle of 15% red wine. This time, the webpage looks very advanced, and a pop-up prompt may be out of stock during the special period, please ask if you agree with the mall to replace the goods you want with similar items. I filled in all of them, and the system automatically deducted 10% more of my fees, and 10 minutes later sent me a message asking if I would agree to replace 6 dollars of freshly squeezed juice with a box of 9 dollars of compressed real fruit pieces.

I replied yes, and I was quite happy in my heart, waiting for it to be delivered. After another ten minutes, I received an email saying that we are sorry, we apologize for the inconvenience caused by the ten items you asked for in the fresh food department, and sent a $50 gift card to your account.

I slowly ate half of the baguette and went back to bed when my roommate knocked on my door. I jumped and she said you have a delivery.

I walked to the door in a daze, and a tall old gentleman was carrying a bag and said you bought alcohol and I need to see your ID.

It turned out that the grocery supermarket canceled all my food orders, but delivered the rest of the thing that wasn't out of stock - that bottle of red wine!

It's good, at least I have a drink. The old man who delivered me looked at my passport and said that he had the same birthday as me. He seems to be a susceptible person, is it safe to deliver during this period? So I went to Amazon to see if it had any protection. It was found that in response to the epidemic, it actually had a series of plans from employee insurance to community education.

Then the circle of friends exploded, and Trump sent the famous "****" push.

A few days ago, I saw a poster of Mulan on the street of Pasadena in my circle of friends, Liu Yifei painted a white mask with spray paint on her face, and Mulan was smeared with two letters and became WuHan. I love the city, and I recognize the streetscape around it, which makes it a little more uncomfortable.

I also saw this image on Weibo, but I didn't repost it, and I didn't think it made much sense other than triggering anxiety and anger. I sent a message to my parents to report that I was safe, and naturally I didn't say these things. My mom suggested that since I had a lot of free time, I might as well have a relationship. I said, I'm afraid it's not a good time lately.

I quit WeChat, inexplicably choked up.

Two professors sent an email. According to the original school arrangement, the first week of online classes was to start on the 17th, but because the school required the dormitory to be emptied, it was postponed for a week to allow students to move and reassign rooms to international students who had nowhere to go. The two teachers sent an email saying that although there were no classes this week, they would still open the platform on time, and if they had academic or psychological confusion, they could chat with them.

I replied that they would go live - I didn't really think there was anything to talk about. But I've always wanted to send a message to the teachers and classmates I know about the special situation of this disease that I have learned about this disease in the first two months. So I hope to have a chance to say it in person.

A few days ago, I wanted to write a little bit every day about how I felt during quarantine. But when I started writing, I realized that there were some ideas that weren't meant to be shared. Because we are stepping on two hostile worlds, any simple perception of life has a political character and a backdrop insinuation, which can be easily extended to defend or attack.

I was in the middle of it, and I wasn't interested in discussing, or rather, I was too tired to take responsibility.

In the past few days, the fire alarm in the kitchen has sounded from time to time, and I know that the battery is dead, but I don't want to call the property at this time, so I directly pulled out the battery. Today in the kitchen, frying the leftover fish fillets on that plate, I stood absentmindedly by the pan for a while, and suddenly the bell rang loudly - it was still working!

I turned around to save the fish, and found that I was really distracted today, so I directly burned the plastic spatula, and condensed into a red piece in the pot. No matter how much you shout about the fire, I'm afraid there will be times when it can save your life, so I'll call the property tomorrow.

-

[0321] (self-visible)

Recently, I have been awake for ten hours a day. Five hours of crying 😂

It is rarely so clearly felt that the body is a container. The senses are concentrated on a very small piece of the body. It's like a rag doll, only the part that hurts when you press it.

-

【0322】

These days, the spirit is more fragile than paper.

I'm not worried about getting sick. I wasn't really worried about anything. But inside has become a scattered mess, and I have lost faith in everyone and everything.

I can always feel my heart when I breathe.

I wrote a lot of emails to a few teachers, classmates and people I cared about, writing about the precautions we have learned in the past two months, writing about the current situation, dropping the computer number and crying halfway through the writing, finishing the writing, thinking about whether to send it for a day, lying on the bed and remembering it, I began to cry again. I'm starting to get scared as soon as it gets dark.

Someone replied to me that it means a lot to me that you would take the time to write this for me. I looked at it and wondered if this was a polite remark. I often use this kind of politeness myself.

Feel like a rotten sandcastle that collapses at the touch of a button.

It's easy to hate people.

I really wanted to send an email to the internship position before, and it felt like a really good opportunity, maybe they won't want Chinese students after the fact. But I feel like I can't do it.

I was also very tired from online classes, and I couldn't do my homework. Sometimes I wonder if the current situation is just me dreaming, I have had this experience once, dreaming that I entered the house and was burglarized, went to the police station to call the police, and wasted the whole day missing the exam. When I woke up, I found that I still had to go to the exam.

Maybe it's just that I didn't want to turn in Monday's editing assignment so much that I dreamed that schools around the world were shut down due to the pandemic.

-

【0323】

Dad's birthday was talked about very early, but I forgot.

I hope that the gift discussed earlier will be delivered.

Yesterday and today, I watched two episodes of "Unscrupulous Means to Become a Librarian"

and Xenomorph Invasion.

The first one was cute at first, but when I turned to the back of the novel, I found that it was all some tirade on how to become a nobleman, and I suddenly felt bored.

The second one is said to be made by God, and I think it's okay. When I saw the end, I found that it was a science fiction department and a super energy department, and I felt a little disappointed.

I think the tragic past of the protagonist is quite common, and there is nothing particularly touching about it.

Although I can fall asleep after taking melatonin every day in the past few days, it is very painful to wake up, so I changed to a bottle of beer today. Although beer should be cherished at this time, it is not easy to go out and buy it once. This is probably the so-called feeling of being drunk today.

Now groggily lying in bed listening to the sound of rain.

It's good to rain. Rain is also precious. Although faintly. But it feels comforting.