In 2016, I flew back from Vancouver twice, once in the spring and summer, when my father was seriously ill and I accompanied my mother back to visit. Another time was on the first day of December, it was the middle of winter, and I returned to China to deal with work affairs.

City B is located in the north of the mainland, this season, the weather is already cold, a few days ago a new round of cold air southward, just after the heavy snow will have time to melt in the future, these days the goose feather snow began to fall again.

I asked the driver to take me to the hospital, got out of the car, and didn't go a few steps forward when I saw my father and his party coming out of the gate.

The aunt walked in front with a change of clothes, the father was in a wheelchair and pushed by the woman behind him, and the driver next to him was responsible for making umbrellas for the two. Walking at the back was Jiang Li, who was about to speed up his steps and stepped forward to carry his father from the wheelchair to the car.

This is too warm a scene, as if it wants to melt the snow, but the snow is too dense, the eyes are stabbed, and the softest part of the heart of the ground is painful, and it stops more than ten meters away.

I couldn't get back into the car, but just as I was about to get inside, I was discovered.

"He Xi? It's really you. Coincidentally, your father was still talking about you just now. The woman behind her father spoke.

Turning around helplessly, I nodded and dusted the snow off my shoulder.

My father was very surprised to see me at first, and then the smile on his face spread faintly, he asked me hello, and said, "Xiaoxi, you have returned to China, are you busy with work?" ”

I said, "Are you alright?" ”

He said, "It's good. ”

The woman next to him explained, "Your father didn't tell you about the stomach when he had a bad stomach and had a minor operation. ”

I nodded, met Jiang Li's gaze, and dodged again.

He looked me in the eye without the slightest emotion, and I pretended not to see.

She said, "We're going home first, are you going to come and sit down?" ”

"No...... How can we help? ”

"It's okay."

My father looked at me, "Since they're all back, let's have a meal together?" ”

I saw the gray hair on his sideburns under his felt hat, and I acquiesced.

I don't think it's good to just stand like that, so since I can't help much, I'll help open the door. Sending my father to the car and closing the car door, Jiang Li didn't know when he had gone around behind me, grabbed my sleeve and dragged him to his side without saying a word, and asked me to get in the car with him.

"When did you come back?" Jiang Li drove out of his car, and it seemed to take him a long time to remember me sitting next to him, and it seemed that he wanted to talk to me for a long time.

"It's been a few days."

"Don't tell the family?"

"I'm busy."

"Why did you suddenly remember it today...... Look at Dad. ”

"Passing by."

"With the family driver?"

"Or else, walking?"

"He Xi, how old are you?"

I wouldn't answer such a question, because that's definitely not what he was asking.

He was really a little angry, "He Xi, how can you still be like a child at such a young age, and you will die if you say one more word to your brother?" ”

"I have a cold." I didn't answer the question.

He could tell that my voice was very nasal, and he sighed after confirming that I was not lying. "I'll take a look when I get home, and I'll prescribe some medicine for you."

I said okay and he didn't say anything more.

I know that the method that makes Jiang Li feel powerless is very simple, this is not the first time that such a situation has appeared, just like a game that has fallen into a dead end, the move does not want to suffer, and the move does not want the other party to be damaged. Usually this side goes further, that side goes further, this side takes a step back, that side also takes a step back. There is no winning or losing, there is no gunsmoke, it is a long tug-of-war, and compared to the exhaustion of energy, the most painful thing is mental torture.

My relationship with my mother, his relationship with my father, and so many of these families that have been divorced halfway down the road will take ten, twenty, or even a lifetime to grind together, and maybe break up.

Jiang Li and I both knew what this peace meant at the moment, so neither of us tried to break it.

But when I looked up, I watched the man put vegetables in my father's bowl again, and it tasted like chewing wax, and I couldn't eat this meal anymore.

Intellectually, of course, this is normal, ordinary couples are not all in love, but emotionally they can't convince themselves, thinking that her position belongs to my mother today, I can't convince myself that I want to stay here, what to do here? Play the role of a daughter and then blend in with their family of three, as if I am also part of the family?

It's not the first time I've looked at her that seriously. When she was young, she was a very beautiful woman, she still had the charm of old age, her personality was gentle and harmless, and she was willing to dedicate herself to the family, which is the type that men will probably like. Of course, if you use her identity to represent her, she is the hostess here, my father's current wife, and Jiang Li's biological mother.

No, it's that I'm here to give me a deep sense of guilt for betraying my mother.

Jiang Li has wanted to have a real home since he was a child, and now he has got what he wants, but my mother has lost her husband, and I have lost my father. Over the years, my father, mother, and Jiang Li seem to have accepted this separation and are used to being at peace with each other. Only I can't be so chic, I can't be close to Jiang Li, and I can't accept that this family doesn't have my mother, so I don't want to come.

I don't plan to stay longer, and I don't plan to say goodbye to my father in person, but I just entrust the nanny to tell her when her father wakes up. Jiang Li knew that he went upstairs to change clothes and asked me to wait for him, and he drove me back.

I followed the footsteps of the man before me and looked up, an arm's length away. Jiang Li stood in the snow, his back was arrogant, lonely like water, like a quiet pool in the Moon Shadow Hanshan Temple. He walked a few more steps to smoke, and I felt that the pool of water had already been boiling and boiling, just waiting for an opportunity to stir up the chaos.

What was the trigger for me?

I looked down and bit my lip bitterly, trying to laugh, but I couldn't. Suddenly he turned around, puffed out his cigarette, and called my name.

"He Xi!"

It wasn't supposed to be a salutation, but a soft sigh.

At that time, he came back from school in a hurry, and he was so sad in the face of my disgusting resistance. Just say, He Xi, we are not enemies.

I remember my answer was, 'Ah Li, I know, we are not enemies.'"

We should be glad that the more than ten years we have been together have not made us enemies. If you are a real enemy, it is better never to meet each other, even if you meet them, you must pretend that you have never known them.

This is what I said to him when I was angry.

My father's divorce from my mother happened so suddenly that I had no psychological construction at all and couldn't accept it. When I think about it later, I feel how hurtful my actions were at that time.

The cold air swept by, and everywhere it went, there were no grass and trees. The wind and snow were even greater, and the dark clouds were rushing in unison, making my chest tight. I walked over to stop him from lighting a second cigarette and confiscated the lighter.

"If it's hard to leave again, send me home."

He took the cigarette wet from the wind and snow in his mouth and asked me, "Where to send it?" ”

I replied, "Of course not." ”

He stopped talking and went to the garage to get the car.

When I knew that I was going to study in the UK, Jiang Li came to me, and he asked me if I knew what I was doing and whether I could take responsibility for my actions.

He said, listen up, Ah Xi, I thought we were all at the age of sensibility, and we could understand the decisions made by the elders, how their lives should be taken care of by them, our lives have just begun, you shouldn't be angry.

I said, I'm not angry, I'm going to England, not to play, I'm going to study. Why do you think I don't have what it takes to get on well over there?

He gritted his teeth and said, "Okay...... You're doing well, He Xi. You have the ability, your grandfather is also very powerful, he can cover the sky with one hand in City B, but no matter how powerful he is, can he reach out abroad? You have been pampered since you were a child, you can't endure a little hardship, don't say you can do it, and don't think about coming back so easily when you cry!

I burst into tears when I heard it, and I said, no, it will be difficult, but I will persevere.

I said, Jiang Li is not like you, I only have one mother, don't worry, even if I cry, you won't know.

Later, as he said, it was very difficult for me to live in England, taking care of my mother who was not in a good mental state, attending classes and learning languages. I've cried many times when I'm not used to life there, but I really didn't let him know once.

Jiang Li didn't know how hard my parents' divorce hit me. Maybe he knew, but he couldn't understand my feelings.

I never thought that my mother's marriage would come to an end, because before that, how happy our family was. But that's how it happened, the end of a marriage means that we will be relieved of our obligations and responsibilities, and it means that even the most profound ties we have with each other will fall apart in this moment.

Except for the first time when the mother tried her best to keep her father, she never lost her temper, but her father's attitude was resolute from beginning to end. After he and Jiang Li moved out of the house, my mother and I lived at home for half a month and moved out. After that, her mental state was not good, and I was often worried that she would miss her father and refuse to let go, and I was afraid that she would be sad, so I never contacted Jiang Li and my father again.

The four of us were like two different trains, diverging from each other, and never intersecting again like parallel trajectories. But I don't know when the thread opened, the knot that was untied, was tied together by my mother and Jiang Li, as I knew that my father was seriously ill, and when my mother asked me to accompany her back.