After all these troubles were solved, Luo Yuming's first eleventh long vacation passed quickly. After returning to school, Luo Yuming still lives in those rumors and slanders all day long, but this atmosphere of persecution is like calm in the eye of the storm, and these public opinions controlled by Luo Yuming can no longer bring any practical impact to him. At home, Luo Yuming instilled Luo Yuxin with the idea of preserving heavenly principles and destroying people's desires through various dregs or advanced traditional Chinese cultural knowledge to suppress Luo Yuxin's inner desire and fiery.

On the surface, Luo Yuming's exquisitely eight-sided vertical and horizontal connections create a balance that seems to be beneficial to him.

But in fact, Luo Yuming's doubts and denials about his own value in his heart have never stopped, and Hao Meng's confiding seems to be useful, but it is actually more like a relief than a solution. His unwarranted sadness and loss tormented his spirit every day. People's mental strength is really limited, the years have made him more and more weak in doubt, at first he only occasionally closed himself, but slowly this closure began to become a norm.

By the time he was in sixth grade, he had already begun to lose control of the pain he was suffering from day to day. Luo Yuming was 11 years old that year, and now his appearance has completely become as charming as the portrait that time showed him, but he has lost all desire to contact with the outside world. And the face is really just for others to see.

The day before the start of the sixth grade, he approached his parents and asked them to make a set of papers for the sixth grade under their supervision, and if all of them were for him, he would not have to go to the following year. He thought that his parents would sternly refuse, but he didn't expect his parents to agree.

That set of test papers is all right, after all, Luo Yuming has never been bad in this regard. Therefore, Luo Yuming was like a deep lady and no longer walked out of the door half a step. And Song Zihao moved back to his home when he was in the first grade, and the two of them have long lived together. Although after Luo Yuming announced his suspension from school, Song Zihao also tried to find him many times to come out to relax, but almost all he got was Luo Yuming's choked refusal. Luo Yuming locked himself in the house like this for nearly half a year, and he basically didn't go out of the house except for going to the toilet and taking a bath. In the house, he was undressed, and what he often did was curl up naked in the corner and stared at a mirror.

He always felt like he had lost something, but he just couldn't think of what he had lost. So he can only observe himself, understand himself, and interpret himself in this way, and if he can't find this thing, then he is no different from losing his soul. But even though he was close at hand, he still couldn't dispel the ubiquitous strangeness. Under this kind of uneasiness and anxiety, Luo Yuming even began to have some self-harming behaviors, but because he really couldn't find any suitable tools at home, and he didn't have the desire to contact the outside world, so he was just a few palms to himself, but this was enough, he already found that he couldn't feel pain.

And there was a reason why Luo Yuming couldn't find those things, because Luo's father had already taken away the dangerous instruments that might let him get his hands on.

Although Luo Yuming sensed his parents' worries, he wishfully thought that his parents would not worry about anything, after all, he had always stayed with them. But in fact, Luo's father and Luo's mother have always been highly sensitive and wary of his closure.

And he really didn't know that his parents were worried about him? He's just deceiving himself, even if he loses everything, he won't give up, because he really doesn't have anything left but self-deception.

In fact, as early as the moment when Luo Yuming decided to close himself after making the papers, Luo's father and mother anxiously took him to Lu Jiayu, but those things that were clearly in the purpose were regarded by Luo Yuming as a dream, and in the "dream", he gave up all the city and thinking, so he was naturally identified as depression. At this point, Luo's father recycled all the sharp weapons and installed fences on all the windows. And he also installed an inconspicuous pinhole camera in Luo Yuming's room. All this is really necessary, because Luo Yuming has had more than once the idea of hurting himself more fiercely in addition to ending his own life.

The current Luo Yuming is undoubtedly stagnant compared to the outside world that is moving at a high speed, and this stillness brings only despair and tears to the family.

But absolute stillness does not exist, the world will always use all kinds of means to make him move, and the system still gave him a reason to move when the New Year of 2017 was approaching, but whether it was a lifesaver or an abyss, it could only depend on his own choice.

Luo Yuming's official decision to close himself during this period also coincided with the day when Luo Yuxin was preparing for the college entrance examination, in fact, as far as Luo Yuxin's grades are concerned, it is a sure thing to be admitted to an excellent key university, but Luo's mother still persuaded her to live in the school in her third year of high school. On the surface, he said that he would not fight an unprepared battle, but the fact was that Luo Mu wanted to hide Luo Yuming's illness from Luo Yuxin, after all, she really didn't want to see this matter develop in a worse direction, and the ghost knew if Luo Yuxin would also suffer a psychological blow after learning such bad news. What's more, Lu Jiayu also said that things have not yet reached the worst. She said that in this year-long transition period, Luo Yuming still has hope of coming out of the shadows, so Luo's father and mother will do their best to make things develop in a better direction.

Therefore, Luo's mother submitted her resignation to the school, but the school did not agree, and in view of Luo's mother's role and value to the school, the school arranged a vacant position for Luo's mother. The school's intention is obvious: as long as Luo Yuming's problem is solved, Luo's mother can return to her post.

In order not to interfere with Luo Yuming's recovery to the greatest extent, Luo's mother played a heartbreaking game of hide and seek with Luo Yuming at home: she had to make Luo Yuming believe that there was no one in her house, otherwise it would interfere with his fragile inner world. She had to do this, because this was the last line of defense, and Luo Yuming had already begun to take antidepressant drugs without knowing it, so if this line of defense was broken, there would only be a mental hospital left.

During this year's transition period, no one knows what it will become, so why believe the bad when there are good ones?

Luo Mu waited quietly in front of the computer screen for the turnaround.

And the day before Luo Yuxin went home during the winter vacation, Luo's mother ushered in that turning point.

It was an ordinary winter morning, Luo Yuming was still lying naked in the quilt and didn't know what he was thinking, while Luo's mother, who was at home on vacation, secretly monitored Luo Yuming's every move in the bedroom.

In fact, Luo Yuming's life is really simple if he wants to end his life, there is a pistol hidden in the secret mezzanine of his cabinet, as long as he finds a midnight when his parents are lax, he can easily kill himself by drinking bullets. And he had already discovered the pinhole camera, because he could smell it. He's neither crazy nor stupid, he's just tired. Due to Luo Yuming's concealment, there was a great deviation between his parents, the hospital and himself in information sharing, but the difference is that Luo Yuming was indeed depressed. He was so tired, he was so tired that he didn't want to get dressed, he was so tired that he didn't want to talk, and all his strength was used by him to think about what he didn't know what he was thinking. Under this kind of scattered and broken thinking, he has long been unable to distinguish between dreams and reality, he can even think about whether he should fold the quilt or not, his experience in this life and his previous life has been mixed into a strange picture scroll to abuse his brain every moment, fortunately, people will deceive themselves and tell themselves something they want to hear before they want to do something stupid, so Luo Yuming has never had the idea of swallowing a gun.

Fortunately, a person's mental strength is really limited, and it is normal for him to have a few periods of time every day.

And on that morning that ushered in a turning point, it happened to be one of the few times when Luo Yuming stayed awake.

There was a knock on the door, and a soft knock broke the winter silence. Luo's mother hurriedly opened the door, and when the door opened, the visitor was actually Luo Yuxin's homeroom teacher.

After a period of pleasantries, Luo's mother got the bad news she never wanted to hear:

After all, the paper didn't wrap the fire, Luo Yuxin cared so much about Luo Yuming, so how could she ignore this abnormality. So during the last monthly vacation, Luo Yuxin finally found out what she had been looking for - Luo Yuming's medical records. Combined with the symptoms and reactions of the case, Luo Yuxin has no way not to think that he is the initiator of Luo Yuming's mental illness:

The reason for Luo Yuming's illness is gender identity bias, and when Luo Yuming was asked to wear a small skirt, Luo Yuxin was the hardest working one.

Luo Yuming's symptom is traumatic delusions of victimization, and in recent years, she is the only one who has been keen to suppress Luo Yuming under her.

And she once kept saying that she would protect him for the rest of her life, but the fact was that she ruined her brother's colorful future.

So Luo Yuxin has been sinking in self-blame and regret for a while, and after nearly a month of reactions to these complex emotions, Luo Yuxin decided to take on the responsibility of his protector. So after the mold was over, she found her homeroom teacher and asked that she could go home to accompany her brother next semester without studying at night. But this kind of requirement is explosive for every senior class teacher, so in a responsible manner, Luo Yuxin's head teacher personally came to visit his home on the premise that the phone was turned off to Luo's father and Luo's mother.

Although both of them tried to keep their voices low, Luo Yuming still heard them. As the so-called authorities are obsessed with bystanders, Luo Yuming has been a stranger to himself for the past half a year, and he has never lost any person he has encountered in his mind, whether it is a good person or a bad person. And it was because of these chaotic connections that he did not choose to end his life. But it was also because of these connections that he deceived himself into telling himself that standing still was a responsible choice for everyone. He wanted to live, but he didn't know how.

Because the two of them spoke very little, Luo Yuming could only analyze some fragmented information:

Your daughter has something on her mind。。。。。 This may delay his college entrance examination... So I'm here to find out。。。。。。

Now she is very withdrawn。。。。。。 I have already contacted some students to take her out of the upcoming annual break...

So can you tell me a little bit about your son。。。。。

The words outside made Luo Yuming feel like an egg that had been cracked, and Luo Yuming remembered a promise that he had forgotten for a long time because of the words outside the door, and he had said to his sister five years ago - I will always protect you.

In fact, Luo Yuming's thinking for many years has not made a breakthrough at all, Luo Yuming thinks that his current self-complacency largely comes from the sentence of time: I have deprived you of all your strength. At first, he naively thought that he was only being deprived of physical strength, but at some point, he was deprived of even mental strength. Now he can be described as a walking corpse, he was deprived of something very important but just couldn't remember, he was like losing his soul, so he had no way to overcome any difficulties, he seemed to have experienced Dai Huihui's inner experience back then.

Secondary school textbooks say that the value of a person's life lies in contributing to society, and making contributions can actually be understood as actively transforming the world. Transforming the world is actually not difficult, eating a bite of food and spitting out a mouthful of phlegm can be called transforming the world. But different degrees of transformation have different effects on a person. It's like doing business, the better the effect for yourself, the higher the degree of transformation, then the renovator will be very happy and satisfied. In the same way, the worse the effect and the greater the damage to oneself, the more sad and painful the reformer will be to spend this life.

But remember, it's all about yourself. So it is precisely because of this closed-mindedness and ego that many times people either don't know whether their next decision is good or bad, or they know that the result is bad and still deceive themselves and go in a bad direction.

People transform in order to gain, and this acquisition can be called meaning. But whether a thing brings a bad meaning or a good meaning, it is never determined. The meaning of this play should be very cheap, he is sometimes good and sometimes bad, sometimes bitter and sometimes sweet, but one thing is eternal - this play should be like a debt, as long as it appears, whether it is good or bad, it will come to play early, but the terrible thing is that this debt does not care much about its creditors, this cheap play should touch whoever will rely on whom.

Let's take an example that never goes out of style in the news and after-dinner chats: Suppose there is a person named Zhang San, Zhang San's brother is not easy, he lost his father since he was a child and his family is poor, and his mother is frail and sick and has no one to take care of him.

But this brother didn't admit defeat, he studied hard since he was a child, not to mention that he also took up the responsibility of the family to take care of his mother, and he lived a miserable life, and then he stayed up so bitterly for more than 20 years. But after all, it came out. At the age of 22, after graduating from a prestigious university, Zhang San was soon recruited by a company at a high price. Zhang San was overjoyed when he received the notice, and then he was so happy that he was hit and killed by a drunk driver as soon as he went out.

This kind of thing can really be said to abound in thousands of years of history, and the handling of this kind of thing has long been a complete process. On the surface, people naturally have a bitter and bitter image, but when they return home to face their loved ones, they immediately change to a different face. A baseless truth will be brought out by them - this kid must have done evil in his previous life, otherwise it wouldn't be so miserable, and the poor man must have something to hate!

In this way, a "truth" that has existed since the emergence of human society has emerged, which is a partial generalization and unreasonable, has emerged. His simple causality is what most people hold on to it, even if it doesn't make sense. This sentence has haunted human society like a ghost for nearly 7,000 years, and its impact has been large and small.

The small impact is at best the sentence in the teacher's mouth that flies don't bite seamless eggs, you kid let people beat up, think more about the reasons on your body.

And the big impact is much more terrifying: a gang of robbers wants to rob, but this gang of robbers wants to make their massacres justified, then the smart people among the robbers will change this sentence, as long as a few words are changed, some dogs called extreme religion, ultra-nationalism, and Nazism will run out to whitewash this world of the jungle. The strong can do their righteous deeds reasonably and legitimately—medieval heretics, unwarranted persecution by Taoists, and inexplicable massacres.

In this way, good times become bad things, bad things become good things, and things that are obviously simple become complicated.

So why would those sympathizers of Zhang San say this?

The reason is simple: you are dead, but I still have to go on, and I hear the crickets crying and don't plant crops anymore? Although I don't know if I will die on the streets tomorrow, I still have to live with hope, even if it is self-defeating hope. Ridiculous, isn't it? But it's really nothing, you know, we can be a magical species that can be tired of thousands of years for the goal of "getting something for nothing".

But after the Second World War, I don't know whether it was good or bad, and with the development of modern information, this ancient truth began to become more and more dilapidated under the impact of the new era of thought. Through the baptism of World War II, the young forces of the new era fully realized that this set of rhetoric that has lasted for thousands of years is not just a kind of self-deception, it is just a dirty trick used by those in power to evade responsibility and exploit the people.

But the reality has given these children a louder slap in the face, they have found the root of the problem but can not find a solution to the problem, and their efforts have instead given birth to a freak called liberalization, high productivity and advanced technological knowledge have not brought the happiness that the ancients expected for thousands of years, high productivity has brought about a terrible gap between the rich and the poor and new and efficient exploitation and slaughter, and advanced ideas and technology have brought high crime rates and high self-shark ratios. Under the despair and anxiety of postmodernism, the new generation of people who see hope has once again fallen under the system of the new era, even if they are unwilling to accept it, but exploitation and oppression, injustice and killing seem to be the basis of the development of human society, and it is a reality that we must accept. For thousands of years, humans have not been able to climb this mountain.

In the face of this mountain that cannot be climbed, people have to embrace the tools of self-deception like their predecessors again, living in eternal loss and confusion. They begin to search for the meaning they have struggled to think about in their fantasies, but while dominating the fantasies, they also abandon everything in reality.

Live in a dream, live in a dream forever, but if you wake up from a dream ...

Then go die.

And Luo Yuming is undoubtedly one of these desperate armies, and he is probably the most desperate one, and he also hugs self-deception to resist despair like everyone else. Others are just sinking in fantasy at best, but Luo Yuming really knows that all this is not fantasy, compared to the despair of others' imagination, everything he faces is real. When he was six years old, he was told by something he could never overcome that he would live in pain and abuse for the rest of his life, and the only way he could do it was to live?!

He used to have the self-confidence to overcome difficulties, but that self-confidence should be based on a strong body and a strong spirit. But these things have been stripped of by that damn god! It's been five years! Five years later, he is still in a state of destitute facing this world that can tear him apart at any time, how can he want to get out? How could he possibly change the world? How could he go and fight a war that was destined to be lost? Now he has no meaning or reason to go out at all, Luo Yuming is not bad in his studies, and the Luo family is not bad in family conditions.

So now he really can't find any meaning for "himself", whether it is responsibility or self-deception, he is really just living for his relatives and for others. This connection is too deep, assuming that he really encounters an accident one day, then this family will usher in an extremely cruel blow, so hiding has become his obligation, and all his meaning is in this acre and three points of land. Even if others are like hell, the life of hell is life.

That's it, don't see anyone, don't see anyone, the deeper this love, the deeper the pain will be in the future.

But this time it was different, Luo Yuxin's homeroom teacher conveyed to Luo Yuming a fact that he had never been willing to admit - his closure was actually hurting them. But there is also a difference between injury and injury, assuming that the harm caused by Luo Yuming's closure to his relatives is greater than the harm that he may suffer from misfortune, then he will go out, and this causal relationship is as fixed and simple as addition and subtraction. A rift appeared, a rift that was big enough for him to move forward again. Because the value of his current life is to live for others. Living for others is his self-deceptive belief and at the same time the belief that supports him to live, he has long given up on himself, if what he says is still useful, how can he choose to close himself? If it weren't for the fact that his parents were around, he would have gone to take drugs a long time ago.

And Luo Yuxin's words challenged Luo Yuming's beliefs, and the emergence of cracks began to shake his current self-contained way of survival and survival value. When a new despair arises, it must be dealt with with with a new hope, even if it is a self-deceptive hope.

In his previous life, he also had the experience of doubting the meaning of his existence, but just like Dai Huihui's words before he died, he was the one who couldn't get out and the one who couldn't stop. Because Luo Yuming was very strong in his previous life, Luo Yuming chose a road that could not be stopped. But Luo Yuming in this life is very weak, so Luo Yuming chose a path that he can't get out. This choice is inevitable and objective, because survival is human instinct, and like animals, people will instinctively choose their own survival mode according to their own objective situation.

But just like what happened to Dai Huihui back then, the current Luo Yuming also began to want to go out because of the outside world, this is not accidental, this is definitely an inevitability: people have to move forward after all, and he can't always struggle in this kind of compromised stillness. But whether he goes out to face an abyss or a desperate situation, it can only depend on his own choice.

In this way, a man who had to think about the quilt for a morning began to think about his new way of living.

It must have been an extremely long process.

And he really thought about it for a long time, but after thinking about it for a long time, he didn't come up with a reason. Eventually, he simply gave up thinking.

Anyway, yes or no, there are only two, so why don't you just hand it over to a coin.

At three o'clock in the afternoon, a crisp sound of opening the door woke up the sleeping Luo Mu, for this familiar and unfamiliar figure, Luo Mu really waited for a long time. She looked at this Chiguo's body as if she saw hope.

After a while, Hope spoke:

"Mom? Can you give me a haircut? ”