June 5, 1993 cloudy

According to Aunt Hong's wishes, we are back again.

To be honest, I don't miss this place much, and I don't have much affection for those who died. So I didn't plan to come back, but Aunt Hong is a paranoid woman, and she is paranoid that I should be protected and supervised, so that I don't have a devastating hatred in my heart.

In fact, the hatred in her heart should be more ferocious, so she will treat me, an orphan with a tragic background, with the same mentality. Anyway, I don't know which of the two of us was more miserable, at least in comparison, I didn't experience betrayal.

Those things, which are a bit complicated to say, are about the grievances of her generation. Aunt Hong always said that with my 13-year-old mind, there was no way to understand, so I didn't bother to understand, after all, she was just a poor woman who almost didn't make it to my stepmother.

I kept her, or I stayed with her, but I didn't want to be treated as an orphan, who let my poor aunt die, speaking of which, she was pitiful.

If there is any hatred and resentment in my heart, most of them come from earlier, not from the accident a year ago.

Since he promised to come back, he had to completely obey Aunt Hong's arrangement and start from scratch according to her so-called meticulous plan that it is not too late for a gentleman to take revenge for ten years. And the landmark event that was the beginning of this full-scale revenge plan was naturally the tomb sweeping.

said that it was to sweep the tomb, but in fact, it was not really going to the cemetery, but according to Aunt Hong's idea, I went to the villa that had become a ruin, found a corner, lit two white candles, and lit a bunch of incense. Before the incense burns out, draw a circle on the ground and burn some paper money in the circle. Finish with a glass of wine to tell the dead.

Although I have no religious beliefs, of course, I can't tell what faith is at my age. However, I am still in awe of the ritual of worshiping the souls of the dead, and it is not accurate to say that, I should say that I am still in awe of the souls of the dead, so this kind of ritual, although simple, still has a sense of solemnity. I just don't know if the souls wandering in this villa really gathered here after such a whole set of procedures, and heard Aunt Hong's determination and my sympathy. Or maybe there are no ghosts at all......

Speaking of which, I would like to talk about my understanding of death, which I believe is a door, or a key, to another world. As for how you die, it is likely to determine whether you will be greeted by the sound of birds or the wind and rain when you push open that door. So death itself is not terrible, but the process of dying.

I shouldn't have written this journal, but since I'm going to leave the past behind and start anew, it's worth documenting. But sadly, even so, I can't express the past directly, after all, I am a person who crawled out of the grave, and I still have many dead souls hanging over my head.

Let's talk about this ruin, this is the second time I've been here, the last time I visited, it could be described as splendid, but now it can only be replaced by a dilapidated. Because the last time I left, it was going through a ferocious fire. The cause of the fire was the betrayal that Aunt Hong needed to face, so she inevitably burned half of her face in that fire.

Looking at her new face now, it was much more comfortable than the red, swollen and ulcerated face that appeared in front of me at that time. Although half of her face looked very much like my mother, she finally gave up completely. At first, I thought she was saying goodbye to her old self, but now I understand that she just wants to rejoin under a different name.

After kowtowing, I found a window with a good view and sat down, leaving some time for my monologue to Aunt Hong. The ruins were originally built on the slope of a hill, and when you look out of the window, you can see the serpentine winding road, which winds and turns into the city not far away. Today's weather is not good, but the gloomy mood at the moment is in response to Aunt Hong's mood. The clouds were pressed low, slowly tumbling from the top of the hill in the direction of the city.

The villa has a total of three floors, I remember that the third floor was mainly a bedroom, the second floor was a study, kitchen, dining room and living room, the first floor was like a large banquet hall, and there were some guest rooms, the basement was a garage, the second basement floor was a secret conference room, and there were some more secret rooms, I haven't had time to enter. In the courtyard on the first floor there is a swimming pool and a small garden, which is now dry and still looks lush. The villa was empty except for the charred walls.

There are still scorched marks on the platform on the first floor, black, and when the wind blows, it will raise the dust on your face, and if you wipe it with your hands, it will leave black marks on your face, dirty. There are still fences around the door and window, and this place is probably too resentful, and no one wants to take it over for a while. I'm curious if Aunt Hong will buy this place back after the incident is over, after all, she seems to miss it so much.

If she doesn't want it, when I grow up, I want this place, not because I miss it, but because it has a great view and is quiet. I just don't know if I'll be here when I grow up, and where I'll grow up?

Aunt Hong walked to the window from the inside, stood beside me and looked at the weather, and I thought that the next step was to really start moving. She really changed her mind for this day, and she reserved for a year.

Now she was able to accept my silence and estrangement from her, because she knew exactly how I lived before I met her. She didn't think it was something I should experience at my age, so she had another plan for my future, which was completely different from what the person had designed before, and of course, a lot of the things that had been designed had changed.

What kind of woman is Aunt Hong? Not very well described. She's beautiful, I mean right now, she's 28 years old, so young, according to the age on her passport. She's brave, and that's as clear from her previous work. Quite patient, or because of her previous work. Tenacity, delicacy, and discretion are what I have experienced in this year. Of course, she is also very loving, and although I hate to admit it, she does try to play the role of a mother.

Also, she is paranoid, and I think it wasn't innate, but it came from the accident 1 year ago. Her paranoia is reflected in various aspects, such as about my way of being, such as about the perception of the dead person, about the demand for justice, about the insistence on the feelings of that person. Of all her paranoia, there is only one last point, which I can't deny, but I have to believe her.

As for me, my name is Helina, Helena, and I am an orphan, and now I am really an orphan. After I was designed to be an orphan, I have been raised abroad by my aunt, and I have received a special education, I can't tell you what it is, I can only say that it is very special. Special enough for me to survive that accident and be able to save Aunt Hong.

The meaning of my existence as an orphan is the same as the fuse in the main gate, and it is the last fuse, which can play a circuit breaker mechanism in a crisis situation, so as to maintain the strength. For the sake of my fuse, that man made a brilliant distribution bureau when I was 7 years old, and then I became an orphan and accepted the fate of exile.

At the same time, there was another person who was exiled, but it is estimated that he was dead, because he has not been heard of since that incident. Especially since this place has been burned to such an appearance, it is unlikely that it will survive. So in a certain sense, my fuse is a success, not only preserving my strength, but also leaving some blood in this world. Thinking about it this way, that person did the right thing in the first place, but I'm not unusual.

Now, I'm really Helena, and I don't have to live for anyone, or pretend to live in anyone's name. They can't expect me to have any regrets and sadness, after all, that's how they taught me. Only if I am indifferent enough can I live, otherwise I have not been disappointed in vain in the past many years.

Frankly, if it weren't for that incident, I don't know if one day, when I wanted to live a free life, I wouldn't be able to help but do it myself, after all, I don't want to live for anyone, especially for those who only want to use me.

Probably, Aunt Hong also has such an awareness, she should know that I am also the one who is ready to turn her back on her at any time, after all, she is also one of the initiators, and as a secret existence, she knows too much. So when necessary, I will turn my back on her and play the game of nirvana again, she should know.

Thinking about it this way, did she want to replan my life out of protection for me, or did she want to influence me out of self-preservation? Or is she just a living proof of me, which should be well hidden and maintained, and displayed to the world fresh and timely when necessary?

Thinking so, I looked up at Aunt Hong again, and saw the faint anger revealed under her gentle dress.

"Let's go."

"Where are you going?"

"To meet an old friend?"

"Am I with me?"

"Well, of course you want to be together."

"Why?"

"Because you're his daughter!"

I looked at Aunt Hong, it seemed that this woman was serious, she really wanted to send me to live another life, so that she would feel worthy of her identity as a stepmother.