As I walked towards the general inpatient unit, I remembered one of Ru Jing's journals. I didn't read them one by one in chronological order, but I clicked wherever I went, and I originally planned to start in June, but after reading a few of them, they were all about her and Gao Fei's daily struggles, which made people crazy and anxious, so I didn't want to read them anymore.

But what is impressive is that in Ru Jing's diary, every entry will mention a person, that is, her brother who died in the line of duty - Ru Ling. Ru Jing's nostalgia for Ru Ling makes people heavy, depressed, and always has a feeling of wanting to breathe in the chest after crying. I don't know what kind of person Ru Ling is, so that Gao Fei exhausted his enthusiasm, and he couldn't dispel the sadness he left for Ru Ling.

The weather was unknown on 30 April 2007

Today is Ru Ling's birthday, I haven't been with him for many years, not even on his death day, I don't know if he's okay in heaven? Do you miss me, can you forgive me for not going to see him for so many years. Does he know that I have given up the way he likes and become my indifferent self again? Will he still be willing to recognize me as a sister? And does he know that all along, I didn't just want to be his sister?

I miss his smile, I miss his hugs, I want him to ruffle my hair, and I laugh and say I'm his sister.

I remember that he would prepare a gift for me every time I had a birthday, because I was worried that I would not have anyone to celebrate my birthday before, so he always wanted to share his own with me.

He was always trembling, worried that I had been wronged, always worried that my parents were not good enough for me, and worried that I would sneak away one day. Especially after I ran away from home, he didn't even want me to leave his sight.

I remember that when I first returned to Ru's house, in the first year of junior high school, less than a semester after entering school, I broke my nose bone and almost dropped out of school. Not long after that school fight, Uncle Ru and Aunt Tang had a big fight. Aunt Tang suspected that my fists and feet were taught by Uncle Ru, and they were taught a long time ago, so she thought that Uncle Ru had been in contact with my aunt for so many years and had been deceiving her and Ru Ling. Uncle Ru often secretly met with Aunt Hong during that time, so Aunt Tang thought that Uncle Ru had done something sorry for her again.

The more the two of them quarreled, the more fierce they became, and finally Uncle Ru said ruthlessly that if Aunt Tang didn't like me, she would send me to an orphanage, don't be like a psychotic every day, doubt this, doubt that. He was also tired of arguing, and he divorced if he couldn't do it.

I happened to be unwell that day, and I had been hiding in my room to sleep, and I heard their quarrel, Aunt Tang sat on the sofa and cried, and Uncle Ru angrily dropped the newspaper and prepared to go to the study, and just saw me standing at the door. He didn't say anything, and slammed the door of the study shut.

Although I had thought about what kind of drastic changes my appearance would bring to this family, I still couldn't bear it to get to the point of divorce now. Especially in this family, everyone is really kind to me.

In that case, let's go. I packed a few commonly used clothes, put on my schoolbag, walked up to Aunt Tang and hugged her, she was still crying, but she kept saying sorry to me. I let her go and went out, before Ru Ling came back, otherwise I wouldn't be able to leave.

Aunt Tang called out to me behind me, and I heard the door of the study open, but none of them chased it out. Maybe I'm really tired, or maybe I just didn't think I decided to go.

When I left home, I followed the route I had asked about to go to the orphanage and got on the bus. I guess they'll accept me, but I'm grateful.

When I arrived at the orphanage, it was already past 7:00 p.m., and the staff of the orphanage were all off work, but fortunately, the director was still there, and I was led to the director's office by the security guard. The dean is a very kind grandmother, when she saw me, she first decided that I was a child who had a quarrel with my parents and ran away from home, but she was not in a hurry to ask who my parents were, but arranged a small room for me to rest and sleep first.

The next day she asked me if I wanted to go home, and I insisted that I was an orphan and asked her to take me in. She didn't refuse me and arranged for me to have dinner, lessons, and games with other children. But I knew she wasn't going to do nothing. It's up to her to see if she can find my provenance, after all, I haven't been in the city for long, and there are not many traces.

I was in the orphanage, and after three days, my grandmother asked once a day if I wanted to go home, and then I let myself wander around the courtyard, probably thinking that when I finished digesting my emotions, I would naturally feel homesick. I felt that as long as I persisted, I would be able to stay. When I settled down, I informed Aunt Hong and told her not to trouble Uncle Ru anymore, I don't really need my father, and I don't need a home, I just suddenly feel quite lonely.

On the fourth day, I was having lunch when the dean asked me out for a while, and I had a hunch that she knew something. followed her to the reception room, and saw Ru Ling sitting there, her eyes were red, her face was covered with sweat, and she looked a little dirty and embarrassed. I knew I had been found, so I had to make it clear to his face and tell him that I didn't want to go back. But before I could speak, Ru Ling ran over and hugged me, crying that he was worried about death, that he thought he couldn't find me, that even if my parents didn't want me, he would support me, and that if I didn't want to go back, he would move in with me.

I felt sorry for him crying, so I started crying. The two of us hugged each other and cried for a long time, and the dean's grandmother finally asked us if we wanted to go home, saying that he had informed Uncle Ru according to the phone number given by Ru Ling, and he would come to pick us up immediately.

Ru Ling still took my hand and refused to let go, and asked me if I would like to go back. At this point, I can't say anything if I don't want to go back. I had to be obediently picked up by Uncle Ru. Naturally, Uncle Ru and Aunt Tang were also full of tears when they saw me, and Aunt Tang was even more guilty of being more and more kind to me. It's just that this good thing didn't prevent her and Uncle Ru from continuing to quarrel and fight.

Since then, Uncle Ru has bought a bicycle for Ru Ling, so that he can carry me with him every day to and from school, so that Ru Ling doesn't always have to worry about me running away. But in fact, he was still so worried that he almost refused to live on campus when he was in college, and in the end, it was Uncle Ru who gave the death order, and he reluctantly agreed to come back once a week. It was my turn to live on campus, but Ru Ling resolutely refused to agree, and finally compromised after a struggle, but he couldn't stop him from visiting him for three days and two ends.

Thinking about those years, because of Ru Ling's relationship, I almost forgot my background and forgot to be independent and strong. He was almost the warmth of my whole world, but the world collapsed in my sophomore year.........

I've tried hard not to think about that moment, it has forced me back to my bloodthirsty appearance, and I have fallen back into hell, and I have tried so hard to climb out, but I can't get back to Ru Ling's side anyway......

Thinking like this, tears slipped out unconsciously, I lay on the edge of the bed, hung my head down, so that I could not cry, there is a novel called "Sadness Flows into a River", what the story is about, I don't remember. But I've always thought that the title of the book actually refers to my current posture, and only in this way can it be regarded as a countercurrent.

I've been lying down for a day, and if I continue like this, I'll have insomnia again tonight, so I won't be able to dream of Ru Ling, and I need a glass of wine to help me sleep now. Thinking like this, I opened the door and walked out, and sure enough, it was late, and the room was groggy. Passing by Gao Fei's room, the door is still open, he is not here today, but he always leaves the door open, whether he is there or not, whether he sleeps or not. He didn't know that he lived with a murderous woman, and if he knew, he would be scared away, and the warmth on his body that was the same as Ru Ling's would be taken away.

I opened the wine cabinet, poured myself a full glass of red wine, took a sip of it, poured another glass, drank it again, and drank it again, so that after the third drink, I finally felt that my stomach was full and my heart was not so empty. I put down my glass and walked around the bar, ready to go back to dreaming.

"What are you drinking?" Gao Fei didn't know when, standing at the door of the study, one hand on the wall to stop me, one hand in his trouser pocket, looking down at me, his expression was a little strange, there was a state of wanting to eat people. It turns out that he is at home, why is there no sound at all, is it because I have recently relaxed?

"Red wine!" I want to go back to my room, I miss Ru Ling.

"I'm going to drink it too." Gao Fei didn't mean to get out of the way, just drink if you want, when did he be polite to me, what kind of thing in this room he didn't take easily, today is polite.

"There's still in the bottle." I pointed to the wine cabinet, I wasn't in the mood to deal with him today.

"No need." Suddenly, he put his other hand around my waist and pinned me down the bar. "That's fine." Without waiting for me to react, he lowered his head and kissed the corner of my mouth, then my lips, and then ...... It's not the first time he's kissed me, but this time it's different, it's been a brisk point in the past, but today it seems to be suppressing something.

I reached for my chest and tried to push him away, but the more I struggled, the tighter he wrapped his arms around me. He held my head in his other hand, so I couldn't dodge. I tried my best to break free of him, hoping that he could take advantage of me and let me go as he usually did.

"Don't move!" He stopped abruptly and whispered in a hoarse voice in my ear. Then he hugged me tightly in his arms.

My face was pressed against his chest and it felt hot. I could hear his heart pounding, his breathing becoming rapid, and even his snort hitting my ears with an inexplicable burning sensation. It was a terrible signal, and I really didn't dare to move anymore.

He hugged me like that for a while, but his heartbeat didn't slow down, and his breathing became heavier and heavier. He began to kiss me again, from the earlobe, to the neck, to the lips, and this time not so tenderly as before, but with the ravages of plunder, step by step.

I was kissed by him like that, and I slowly lost the strength to resist, but the air didn't seem to flow, and I felt like I was starved of oxygen, and I wanted to take a big breath. But he kept kissing me, not leaving me a breather. I patted him on the shoulder to tell him I was deprived of oxygen, but he ignored me. I couldn't help but snort. He suddenly stopped, gasping and looking at me anxiously:

"If you dare to call again, I really can't help it." As he spoke, he kissed down again.

I sinked into his kiss and thought I couldn't let him get out of hand. But I seemed reluctant to push him away, so deadlocked, I felt that my body temperature had also changed, and I knew in my heart that I had to stop immediately, and finally I pushed him out with all my strength, and pointed at him with the vase behind me:

"Enough! Don't come back! ”

Gao Fei stood one step away, panting hard, looking at me fixedly, the desire in his eyes gradually fading.

"Alright, it's all right, put the vase down." He wanted to come over and take the vase.

"Don't move, don't touch me again."

"Good. It's me who is too impulsive, you put the vase down. Gao Fei returned to his normal appearance, and I slowly put down the vase. He turned around and ran towards his room.

Unexpectedly, Gao Fei rushed up again, hugged his waist, carried it, walked directly into his room, and threw it on the bed. I struggled to get up, but he jumped up and wrapped me in a quilt to look like a rice dumpling.

"Gao Fei, don't mess around!" I was trapped under the covers, and when I saw him untie his belt, I couldn't help but warn him nervously.

"Don't worry, it's already wrapped like this, and I can't do anything." He used his belt to trap me in a roll with the quilt, straightened me up, and then lay down on his side, turning sideways and removing the quilt from my face, while looking at me with a grin.

"What are you doing!" I was a little angry, he always did something inexplicable, and repeatedly challenged my bottom line.

"It's nothing, you can sleep here today, lest you don't get up and go out tomorrow." He ran my hair through and kissed me on the forehead.

But in the next second, I saw the burning longing in his eyes again. He realized it himself, quickly got up, walked out, and went into the bathroom. I heard the sound of rushing water, and knew that he was trying to restrain himself, and my heart was a little calmer.

After a while, he was back again, lying back in his position again. This time he did not touch me, but looked up at the smallpox and said to me:

"Ru Jing, you can't be like today, locked in your room for a day and not going out, I know you have something on your mind, but you are my biggest concern, I can't stand it if you do this."

I didn't speak, I knew I was on his mind, it was because he didn't understand me.

"Sleep, I won't touch you. I just want to look at you. He turned to look at me.

I may have been drunk, but I really believed him, but I was so sleepy that I couldn't open my eyes.

In a trance, I seemed to be lying in a tent, wrapped in a sleeping bag, Ru Ling slept next to me, I pillowed his arm, and his other hand was on my shoulder, sleeping so peacefully......