That night, I sat down in great disgrace until dawn, and it wasn't until the alarm clock rang at six a.m. that I woke up from my lost soul, and the damp pajamas on my chest proved that I had silently shed many, many tears before.

At that moment, I knew she was deeply engraved into my heart. Suddenly, I felt as if my heart had been torn apart, and it was an indescribable pain, a sour and numbing pain, and it was getting stronger and stronger.

Since then, despite the silly hope that I would stay in front of my computer at midnight every day, the miracle never happened again.

She just disappeared completely without a sound.

With her disappearance, I found that I had suddenly lost many, many things, such as sweetness, joy, happiness, hope, and hope, and all that was left was endless thoughts.

Under the torture of this longing, I really understood what it means to live like a year, during that time I often used alcohol to anesthetize myself, and the only song I loved to sing after drinking was "How do you give up my sadness".

It was probably the most affectionate time of my life, when I was drunk, staggering down the street, and singing this song over and over again with an empty beer bottle as a microphone, my classmates around me came to persuade me at first, but soon they all sang with me.

By the end of the song, everyone was out of tune, their voices were hoarse, and they became choked, and I just felt that everything I saw in front of me was drenched, and all the people and lights were constantly distorting and deforming, and finally slid down the corners of my eyes to the ground, and then fell to pieces.

I know that I am really in love with a girl, a strange girl whom I only know by pseudonym, a girl who regularly publishes the saddest words at midnight every week, a girl who makes me miss hysteria, a girl who makes me secretly swear in my heart that I want to find the ends of the earth and promise her a lifetime.

The days continued to flow forward in this tangled and unbearable torment, like tears that could never be stopped......

I finally got through to the day of my graduation from college, and as soon as I attended the graduation ceremony, I rushed to the train station and bought a train ticket to Nanjing the next morning.

That night, after careful consideration, I completely had a showdown with my parents, that is, I didn't want to go to my father's company to work, I didn't want to live according to the life they planned for me, I wanted to go to Nanjing to start a career by myself, and I left early the next morning, and the train ticket was bought.

At first, my parents firmly disagreed, but after my patient persuasion, they still respected my decision and just told me that if I was tired in Nanjing one day and didn't want to develop, I would come back at any time, and Beijing would always be my home.

The three of us couldn't help but hug each other and cry for a long, long time that night, after all, this was the first time I had left my parents since I was a child, and it was difficult to see each other in a short period of time.

The next morning, in order to avoid everyone feeling sad at the train station again, I didn't let my parents see me off, I took a taxi to the train station with my luggage, and got on the train alone with the crowd of people.

At first, I kept a lot of peace, silently entering the station, waiting, queuing, checking tickets until I got on the train, all expressionless, as if I was not much different from a frequent business traveler.

But as I sat down in my seat, leaning against the window, and stared silently at the platform outside the window that began to slowly retreat, I could no longer control my tears, and my eyes continued to blur for a long, long time before they gradually became clear.

Along the way, I still had too much reluctance and attachment in my heart at first, and I was also extremely confused in my heart, and I kept asking myself whether it was right or wrong for me to break my parents' expectations and leave Beijing without hesitation for the promise I made to a strange girl a year ago.

But soon my mind came back to the happy times I had spent with her through words in the past three years, and the heart-wrenching days I had experienced after losing all her news in the last six months, and I dispelled my hesitation and had only one decision in my heart, that is, no matter how many years it takes, I will find her and fulfill my promise to her.

In the dark, I always felt that she was also looking forward to seeing me, and she should have been waiting for me. Because since I confessed to her a year ago, and she agreed, I noticed that the style of her prose has gradually changed.

It is no longer the state of mind that has always been desperate and sad before, but gradually becoming hopeful, with a goal, although the performance is not obvious, but I am sensitive and careful I still capture this subtle change.

As soon as I got off the train, a group of vendors selling maps swarmed up, and I saw that one of them, an old man with only one eye, was squeezed out of the crowd in embarrassment, and he reluctantly looked at me with his only eye, and left helplessly.

I chuckled inexplicably, ignoring the young and vigorous vendors around me who were enthusiastically holding out the map to me, and after finding an excuse to send them away, I followed the old man before me and chased after him.

As I approached him, I noticed that he had a lot of maps in his hand, and it was obvious that he was not selling well today, and I felt compassion in my heart. I don't know why, I always felt a hint of familiarity in him, and after a little thought, I suddenly remembered. Two years ago, she, the girl whose pen name Xu I was destined for the rest of her life, once mentioned this one-eyed old man in an essay, saying that he was a veteran of the Anti-Japanese War, an orphan since he was a child, and a very unfortunate old man. My wife has uremia and needs dialysis regularly, which is not only expensive, but also suffers from it.

The old lady became grumpy from then on, either breaking the things in the house or shouting that she wanted to jump off the building. Once, when he rushed to the window and was about to jump off the building, when the daughter-in-law and the fifteen-year-old granddaughter came up desperately to persuade and stop them, the old lady impulsively pushed them all downstairs.

As a result, the daughter-in-law and granddaughter fell to death on the spot, and it happened that the son who was drunk and drunk outside at the time came back, and when he saw that his wife and children were dead, he was angry and impulsive, and even pushed the old lady downstairs.

After pushing his mother downstairs and falling to death on the spot, he suddenly sobered up, and he jumped under the influence of alcohol, and it was too late for the old man to stop him.

It is equivalent to less than half an hour, and he is the only one left in a family of five. Originally, the family was supported by his son's earnings, but this sudden change made him fall to the bottom of his life.

On the day when the old man was extremely sad to hold a memorial service for his family in the funeral home, someone entrusted a debt collection company to collect debts, it turned out that his son borrowed money from an underground bank to do a business before his death, but he was deceived by his partner, not only did he not make money, but also owed a large amount of debt.

Now that he is dead, the people of the debt collection company naturally threaten and intimidate the old man to repay the debt, otherwise he will not let his family be buried, and the memorial service will not be held smoothly. In general, debt collection companies are composed of some unemployed and extremely poor quality gangsters, who also use knives to gesture in the face of the old man during the quarrel, and ask another person to tear the shroud of his wife, his daughter-in-law and granddaughter, as if they will be humiliated after death if they do not pay back the money.

In the previous year, the old man had spent almost all his savings in order to give his wife regular dialysis, and his son was confused for a while, and even borrowed a loan shark to do speculative business, wanting to make a large amount of money for his mother's treatment as soon as possible, but he didn't expect that the money was not earned, and he owed a huge debt, resulting in the old man having almost no savings.

In the case of giving the only money left on his body to the gangsters, and begging and begging could not stop the other party from tearing his wife's shroud, seeing that his wife and granddaughter were about to be stripped of their shrouds, and the neighbors who were watching around were afraid of the knives in the hands of the gangsters, they all retreated timidly, and no one dared to step forward to stop them, the old man was angry and stabbed the knife in the gangster's hand into his eyes, shouting that he wanted money, tortured him alone, and let go of his wife, daughter-in-law and granddaughter's innocence!

This sudden change calmed down the thugs, and they fled on the spot, and soon disappeared. The old man ignored the knife still pierced in his eyes, and the bloody eyes, and almost crawled to his wife's side to help his wife put on her birthday clothes seriously before fainting. It wasn't until the old man fell to the ground that the surrounding onlookers reacted, hurriedly reported the case, and hurriedly sent the old man to the hospital.

After being discharged from the hospital, the old man was forced to sell his property and all his belongings, but he failed to pay off his debts, and was swept away from the house and reduced to a beggar. After three years of begging, he had a little capital and began to make a living selling maps and small goods near the train station.

At the end of the essay, the girl also mentions that every time she passes by the train station and sees the old man, she buys all the maps that the old man has as a way to help the poor old man. As for the maps she bought, she would send them to foreign tourists at the station entrance for free.

Thinking of this, I took a closer look and saw that he was indeed blind in his right eye, which was exactly the characteristic mentioned in the prose, so I stopped him and bought all his maps.

The old man looked at me in astonishment, as if he wanted to say something but didn't know what to say, so I shoved the money into his hand, took the bundle of maps and walked towards the exit of the station.

Originally, I wanted to inquire about the girl's news, but after thinking about it, how can there be a name for good deeds, the girl must have turned around and left after buying the old man's map, and she wouldn't tell the old man anything about her at all, and I asked in vain.

When I was about to turn around and find a hotel to stay in after handing out the map for free at the exit of the station, I noticed that the old man was looking at me not far away, and when he saw that I found him, he hesitated and walked towards me.

"Young man, do you know Shen Jiaqi?" The old man asked tentatively.

"Shen Jiaqi? I don't know. Why do you ask me about this person? I asked, confused.

"Oh, nothing, there used to be a girl who used to buy all my maps and give them to others for free, just like you, so I thought you knew her." The old man said with some regret.

"Really? Do you know where she lives? I've known her for three years, I just don't know her name. I came to Nanjing this time to find her. I suddenly reacted, and excitedly grabbed the old man's arm and asked, because if I am not mistaken, the girl he said was not the girl I was looking for. It turned out that her name was Shen Jiaqi.

"I don't know exactly where she lives, I just know that she studied at Nanjing University. Because she once wore the school emblem on her chest, it was Nanjing University. Pretty nice girl, hey, it's a pity. The old man recalled a little and said regretfully.

"Shen Jiaqi, what's wrong with her? Could it be that she ......, "I have a bad premonition in my heart, did she have an accident half a year ago?" No wonder no text has been published in the past six months.

"She seems to have disappeared near Nanjing University half a year ago, I accidentally saw her photo in the newspaper I picked up, and I knew her name, or I asked others to know that her name was pronounced Shen Jiaqi. I don't know many words, and after reading it for a long time, I can only roughly understand that she seems to be missing. Such a kind and beautiful girl, how could it be, hey, they all say that good people have good rewards, is God blind! The old man complained with extreme reluctance.