Bai Ling stared at Bai Yi and shook his head for a long time.

Bai Yi stretched out his hand and scratched his head, but the expression on his face became gentle, "I used to laugh at myself that I was fearless as a person who came out of medical school, but taking care of the mother and the child is really much more tiring than I imagined." Especially the child, my sister was too young at the time, she couldn't listen to the reason and didn't know how to understand, so she directly broke the rhythm of my life and completely revolved around her. ”

Bai Yi took a deep breath, and there was a smile in his eyes that couldn't be hidden, "But my sister really loves me too much, children love you really love you, they smile when they see you, and crawl over when they see you......"

Bai Ling propped her chin and listened silently on the side, she saw that Bai Yi's eyes seemed to be gilded with highlights when he told these past events, and she knew the weight of these memories in his heart.

No wonder he never mentions it.

"Did Auntie's depression get better?" After Bai Yi told a lot of things with his sister, Bai Ling suddenly asked.

Bai Yi's face flashed stiffness for a moment, and then he shook his head.

Bai Ling reached out and pressed lightly on his clenched right fist.

After a long time, Bai Yi finally spoke, but said a string of medicine names that Bai Ling had never heard of, "Guan Mu Tong, Guang Fang Ji, Aoki Xiang, Teng Xiang, Huaitong, Back Snake Sheng......"

"...... this?"

Bai Yi looked at the shadows of the swaying trees on the ground, and his voice had completely calmed down, "...... This is the prescription my dad found. After I went back to the lab, he secretly stopped my mother's imipramine at home and replaced it with ...... Those Chinese medicines just now. ”

Bai Ling gasped, "...... Has Auntie's depression recurred? ”

"There was no recurrence, there was no time for a recurrence." Bai Yi's eyes fell, "My mother left because of liver failure, these drugs contain aristolochic acid, and he didn't control the dosage well......"

Pity welled up in Bai Ling's eyes.

"I'm the last one to know about these things." Bai Yi said lightly, "My mother feels sorry for me and hides it from me; My dad couldn't figure it out and hid it from me...... When they call me back again, it's time to see my mom one last time...... But I also only made it to the funeral. ”

"It's really strange, those Western medicines with strong side effects, you can't buy them in pharmacies without a doctor's prescription, but those Chinese medicines whose side effects are not clear, you can just go to a Chinese medicine pharmacy and catch as many as you want. There are also many Chinese patent medicines, because they are the quintessence of traditional China, so they can be marketed without even the most basic clinical testing......"

Bai Yi said in a low voice, "Later, I found a lot of messy earthwork at home, what rootless water in the sky and the gray corners of the old house to pick...... The pollution in the city is so bad, and these things will be collected by my dad and used in medicine, I really ....... ”

Bai Yi's voice stopped abruptly.

He covered his forehead with one hand and stared hard at the small piece of land in front of him.

It's been so long, but every time I think of it, Bai Yi always feels that somewhere in my heart is still like a knife.

Until now, he can't help but wonder, if he hadn't applied to go abroad in the first place, wouldn't all this have happened?

If he had stayed in the country, it would have been a matter of hours on the train to get home. If you can go home every week to see, how can you hide your father's small actions?

But it doesn't make sense to think about that anymore.

He closed his eyes to process his emotions again, and when he opened his eyes again, he glanced at Bai Ling with some concern—fortunately, Bai Ling didn't look at him, she was holding her cheek with one hand, and she was looking at the green mound bamboo branch not far away.

"My mom loves bamboo." Bai Yi said in a low voice, "When I went home to take care of her and my sister before, she always liked to pull me to talk about her plans for the aftermath, but fortunately I listened patiently at the time, otherwise I would probably regret it even more now." ”

"She said that when she was a child, my grandfather took her and a few brothers to visit my grandmother's grave, and every time he would cut a tender bamboo and stick it on the grave, and sometimes he would take a few of them to sing in front of the grave."

"She's too tired in the second half of her life, maybe it's a relief to leave early." Bai Yi stood up with his hands on his knees, he looked at the swaying bamboo leaves not far away, this sentence was more like a muttering to himself.

He reached out and pulled Bai Ling, "Let's go...... It's all gone, and there's only so much I can do. ”

Bai Ling was quieter than ever, she held Bai Yi's hand all the way, and her heart couldn't calm down for a long time.

Many things that used to be strange are taken for granted when I think about them now.

Why did Bai Yi refuse to follow Bai Shijun to study medicine;

Why did Emperor Jianxi ask him to admit in public that cinnabar was harmless to his father, his expression would be so tormented;

Why did he still have to take care of the medicine test on himself even though he had already survived the difficulties of the children's treasure pill and teething powder......

I see.

Recalling the bits and pieces of the past, Bai Ling suddenly realized that under Bai Yi's persistence and stubbornness, there may be self-blame and guilt that can never be erased.

"All hope is an illusion."

In fact, in Sartre's thought, the so-called optimism is rooted in the despair of eliminating all hope.

"I want people to have illusions about all kinds of outcomes, but we can't let people act on their own."

Is that so?

It turns out that when he said these words, he was thinking about these things?

Bai Ling suddenly felt a sour nose, and tears fell one by one.

Bai Yi originally just walked forward, but soon heard Bai Ling's sobs beside him, he looked down and found that Bai Ling was wiping his tears.

“…… Why, why are you crying? ”

Bai Yi stopped a little helplessly, squatted down in front of Bai Ling, and took out his handkerchief to wipe Bai Ling's face, but Bai Ling's tears were like a bead curtain with broken threads, Bai Yi wiped some away, and new tears quickly poured out.

"Don't be sad, don't be sad." Bai Yi didn't know how to organize the language, "...... I didn't even cry. ”

However, Bai Ling, who was originally just sobbing softly, locked his brows and cried even more sadly after hearing this.

Bai Yi's movements froze there, and he didn't dare to speak anymore.

A girl's mind has always been like a butterfly to him, something that is forever ethereal and unpredictable.

Sometimes they cry inexplicably, and sometimes they laugh inexplicably...... He never really understood.

After a while, Bai Ling took his handkerchief from Bai Yi's hand and wiped away his tears.

Bai Yi hurriedly handed over the water bladder again.

Bai Ling took the water bladder and muttered in a low voice, "Thank you." ”

"Why are you crying?" Seeing that Bai Ling seemed to be relieved a little, he couldn't help but ask.

Bai Ling glanced at him, shook his head a little helplessly, and his voice was still a little choked, "Because you can't even cry, Bai Yi." ”