I used to live my little life quietly, a muddy mess, earning a few dollars of dead wages, and wanting to live a dull life of a little person without fighting with the world. How can it be like acting in a TV series overnight, and the heroes appear in turn, which is beyond my ability, and I really feel breathless.

Look at the time, it's not early, and I'm not in the mood to meet them. I sent a message to my husband and went home alone. Coincidentally, my son and husband also came back. My husband didn't think there was anything wrong, but the youngest son muttered that I didn't accompany him. I apologized to him apologetically, and I accompanied him to play the backgammon he liked to play, so he was not guilty of the past.

Zhezhe is very dependent on me for sleeping. For him to go to school the next day, we usually go to bed at half past nine. At one o'clock in the middle of the night, I woke up sweating, I looked at the blurred back of my brother in my dream, the small room opposite the school, the senior brother stood at the window, holding a wine bottle in one hand, and a large handful of white tablets in his mouth with the other...... Then when I arrived at the hospital, the doctors and nurses were in chaos, and the senior brother had a tube in his mouth to induce vomiting...... As soon as I turned around, it was Rong Yi, and he pointed at me angrily, murderer! You're a murderer! ……

I took a day off for a high-sounding reason, bought a train ticket, and went straight to Qinshi. As if I was being driven by something, I took a taxi and went straight to the beach near the school.

I almost stumbled. The wind was howling, the waves were rolling, and I was alone on the beach.

Renyan, Renyan, you have been self-righteous all these years, how stupid!

It turns out that I really don't deserve to be a senior brother.

I used to feel inferior to my countenance, and I felt that I was not worthy of my brother's handsome wind god. Now I realize that I am really not worthy of him from the inside out.

After many years, I remembered the scene at that time, his collapsed shoulders and decadent sitting posture in the hospital. After the incident, he was alone on the bed, but he was almost masochistic and self-tortured. How he was suffering, but I was only immersed in my own world, and I never thought about what my brother was going through.

What's even more ridiculous is that for many years, I have been self-righteous and high-minded, boasting of generosity, pretending to play the role of a victim, and living compassionately like a believer who knows how to forgive!

I thought I was hurting more. I thought I was the one who was forced to leave, to let go, to be fulfilled. As everyone knows, I turned out to be the most selfish, the most ignorant, the most pathetic, and the most hateful, the poor person who has low self-esteem to the bone!

I frantically accused myself in my heart.

I have always been sure in my heart that my brother is hiding something from me. I thought I loved him blindly, and I didn't hold him accountable for his dishonesty. But I couldn't be more wrong. It was my own inferiority complex that was unreasonable, I never dared to put aside my poor self-esteem, I didn't dare to face it honestly, I stuck to my own square inch, and I never had the courage to be open and honest and face it with my senior brother.

My brother wants to give me the best brother and the best love, and what I give my brother is the most cowardly, obscure and pretentious me.

Over the years, I have shamelessly hypnotized myself, and I thought that my senior brother had failed me.

How stupid I was.

In his saddest and darkest moments, it was I who pushed him again and made him fall into the abyss. And myself, self-pity and self-righteousness, have spent all these many years.

I lost my strength and sat by the beach for a day. After crying, my thoughts seemed to be drained all at once. There is an empty body, and the soul is ethereal.

I've always been content to play my part. Now a voiceover tears up the curtain and tells me that this character is actually fake and no longer exists. My beliefs were denied, and my persistence was shattered.

How do I deal with myself?

I couldn't face myself, and I didn't know how to face my brother. As bad as I treat him these days, I loath myself.

And I'm not the same person I once was.