"You live here alone, does your family know?" I've never heard Avi talk about his family.

"They're long gone."

"What about you?" Avi asked me rhetorically.

I've always believed that my family is the closest person to me. Although I didn't try to understand their past, I always felt that everything was going in a good direction. Actually, it's just the wishful thinking gene that I carry in my body to do its job.

My father's infidelity made me realize that it was time to get into their story.

My mother was not born in this narrow village, just like us. Unlike those who rush to the city, her path is the opposite. And my father is said to have torn his face in order to marry his mother and family, so I have not seen other relatives here since I was a child. During the New Year's holidays, there will be no lively scene of the so-called seven aunts and eight aunts chattering together.

But it's a lot easier like this, and most people don't like to socialize, and so do I. We have lived like this for a long time, and then we have entered other families, and our behaviors have deviated from them, as if we have become uneducated. What exactly is the purpose of being educated? Is it showing kindness to everyone, showing intimacy, or just the right amount of detachment? Or differential treatment? The difference is not that the dog flies camp, but that I take out the limit from the limited self to get close to people. There is no worthiness or not, and there are no complaints.

I've always been proud of the way my family is thriving. If I am proud to have a life experience that is inconsistent with others, is it true that as long as I can keep the state of being born, my life will continue to be as happy as a fish in water?

Before I could know the answer, I had already entered the world completely.

I accepted the world's standard of measuring whether things are right or not, and I never asked the reason for my father's cheating, but threw him directly into hell.

Living in China, where sex is perverted, it is not a place to be elegant, so it is subject to infinite moral imprisonment. All news that happens in society related to it is defined as chaos, such as obscenity, coercion, etc. It is human desire, and desire is not controlled.

I habitually remain unmoved by the "good" of my family, and when I encounter "bad", I will react more strongly than to others. It's like not allowing a grain of sand in your eye, and in order to get that grain of sand out, you run the risk of destroying the whole eye. That incident lingered in my heart. No one expected that my nightmare every night was a review of it, and my father's definition began to distort. He no longer talks as much as he used to, but is more concise and to the point. He spent less and less time at home, and I met with him only a handful of times.

With the remnants of all this misunderstanding in my heart, I decided to go home in the Qingming of my junior year.

The family has never been clear, and we have no one to pay tribute to and remember since we were children. It's just that on that day, my mother would not come out of that room all day, and my father would be away all day. These previously inconspicuous habits came into my eyes, and it seemed like an opportunity for me to dispel the nightmare through a sudden visit. I defined my operation as an investigation, and the people involved were all concerned about themselves, and I thought that the operation might go well. I didn't tell Xun An about my plan, and I went home alone.

I made it to the town not far from home a day early and stayed at a hotel in the town for one night. I have something in my heart, plus the environment of this store is too simple, and the quilt is very damp, maybe I have never been completely exposed to the sun under the scorching sun. I tossed and turned, tossed all night, and the next day I didn't know whether I was dreaming or waking up, so I quickly left the room.

I went home in the scarlet rain. As I expected, my father's slippers were placed haphazardly in the hallway, and he had left early in the morning or had not returned the night before. My eldest brother doesn't get up very early, so I sneaked into my parents' bedroom before there was anyone in the house.

The room was normal, and I used to run here to sleep with them when I was a child. This habit is long gone, but the room is still the same. Perhaps the problem is not that their relationship has changed, but that we lack awareness of the big problems between our parents when we are children. Their problems are hidden deep and they don't want us to find out, they love us, and we can find out.

I thought to myself that I couldn't just go home. I can roughly judge my father's whereabouts, but is it possible for me to enter my mother's secret room?

At about eight o'clock, my mother would go upstairs to wait for my eldest brother to get up. I wanted to take advantage of that gap to go in, secretly thinking in my heart, and at the same time condemning myself for being a thief.

I waited patiently, ready to move while I revisited the room.

The room was cleaned up by the mother, and the things were placed neatly and orderly, and each one was in its place, not redundant. Her dresser looks a little old, perhaps given to her by her grandparents who have never met her. The sheen on the mahogany is still bright, and you can see that the mother treated it with care. With the wealth of the dragon and phoenix as the main keynote, the exquisite carving, coupled with the pride and freshness of the plum blossoms, seems to pull the years to the time when the parents are young. I imagined my graceful mother, dressed in a cheongsam, sitting in front of the mirror and dressing up, calling me over. I approached and picked up a wooden comb to brush her hair.

I realized that I was combing my hair, and I was matching my mother's face. She smiled beautifully in the mirror, and I walked into a tunnel and traveled to another time and space. I opened a sandalwood box on the countertop, and there was a hosta inside. It's so small and delicate that you don't feel the weight in your hand. Transparent and green, just look at it as if you have fallen into a cool deep pool, but the feel is extremely warm. This hairpin is really worthy of my mother, and I imagine my mother's pretty appearance when she was young, with creamy snow skin, she is a fairy who came to the world.

I also tried to insert it into my hair and turn my head up and down, left and right, but I couldn't see any charm. Scratching my head in the mirror, I laughed out loud, thinking of Dong Shi Xiaofeng.

I haven't inherited the slightest bit of my mother's elegant temperament. On the contrary, I can often see the shadow of my mother in Xun'an, maybe we have swapped genders in the mother's womb.

The wardrobe stands next to the dresser, and on it is a poster of a large costume romance drama. The poster has been yellowed, and the corners have been degummed and floating.

Everything is business as usual, but the dust that covers them buries their feelings.

"Isn't it that I think too much, but it's just cheating...... How can a cat not steal, and how can a man not cheat? Cheating doesn't mean that the father doesn't love the mother and doesn't love us? It's just that he has one more person he likes. The mind began to seek self-solace again. Self-therapy, which is an anesthetic to heal life. There are some things that need to be faced sooner or later, so pretend to have faced them.

There is a bedside table on each side of the bed, and the cabinet on the left has a family photo on it, and we are smiling happily in the photo. Looking at the cozy bedroom, I couldn't find any evidence of suspicion.

"No, I'm going to have to go into that room and have a look."

I sat cautiously on the bed, listening intently to my mother's movements.

"You're so old, why do you still have to sleep with your parents?" There was a voice of my father's complaining in my ears.

"Let her sleep, she won't sleep for long......" my mother smiled and sighed, and gently helped me twist the quilt.

This is a picture from childhood. At that time, I used to get into their bed...... I felt a real warmth hit me, and I seemed to burrow into the warm bed again.

The eyelids were heavy, and when I tried to open them, I realized that I was actually asleep.

"Isn't this my own room?" My consciousness slowly returned.

"What's going on, isn't it...... Found out by mom? I quickly climbed out of bed, thinking about how to explain to my mother later.

When I opened the door and looked downstairs, my mother and Xun An were sitting opposite each other, both of them looking solemn, as if they had just finished an unpleasant topic.

"Why did Xun An come back too?" I was confused, wondering if I had slept or hadn't woken up at all.

I stumbled to them, and before I could explain, my mother spoke first:

"Nannan, are you awake? You guys are really, you don't tell your family in advance when you come back, you should have asked your father to pick it up! "We came out of nowhere and my mother didn't show any surprise.

Seeing her like this, I didn't bother to lie. "Well, I want to surprise you!" I replied in my mother's tone.

"I'll cook first, and the two of you will play with your eldest brother for a while and watch TV for a while." Before she could finish speaking, her mother got up and went to the kitchen.

Seeing that my mother was busy, I immediately pulled Xun An aside and asked.

"What's going on?"

"You fell asleep in your mother's room, and I'll take you back."

"I'm not asking you this, I mean why did you come back too?" As soon as I asked, I thought that it must be my roommate's rumors. "Forget it, this doesn't matter, so how did you explain it to your mother? She wasn't surprised at all? ”

"Why the accident? Family, what's so strange about going home for the holidays? Xun An frowned, hearing him say this, it seemed that I didn't regard myself as my own family anymore.

After thinking about it carefully, fortunately, Xun'an rushed back in time and ended a hundred words and arguments. I hammered my head and blamed myself for being so uncompetitive that I fell asleep unconsciously. I guessed that I must have not slept well the night before, and I thought that I should find another time to act.

"Xun'an, it's really time for you to come back!" I smiled, changed my tone of mind about talking to him, and patted him on the cheek.

After the meal, we sat down in front of the TV as a family, and although my father was not there, I felt at ease. The rain outside the window was still squirming, and the air was cold and gloomy during the Qingming season. At that moment, I suddenly felt warm. My mother didn't go into the room again, but stayed with us and talked about the world. It is worth mentioning that the father also returned home before dinner.

They are still the closest people to me, whether they are family members or strangers who share a house, we are all individuals. Maybe I shouldn't be too involved, maybe the problem between my parents has been resolved, maybe the family is back on track, maybe I'm just dazzled by that shot.