After walking out of the office, my pace slowed down significantly. I looked out the window in the hallway. In the distance there was a row of big trees, one next to the other. I can't name the tree scattered around the campus, it seems to be more different from the plane tree outside the window of Cao's house. Actually, I'm not talking about appearances, but about some unknown that is lined with light and shadow.

But without exception, in Nanjing, in such a season, the leaves of every tree are stained with dampness, like tears that leave people, and they are broken.

Perhaps, when you pick a piece and turn it over the back, you will find that behind each of the same leaves, there are also its unknown and different secrets. A gust of wind blew, and the leaves fled against the wind in one direction, and I stumbled upon a glimpse of their pale bodies hidden in the shade.

Yes, the wind blows the secret of the tree to the sky, and I am also pushed to the forefront by public opinion in such a season. Perhaps, after going through so many things, in the face of the imminent star explosion, my mentality is far more peaceful and strong than I expected. Although, I have to admit, in a certain corner of my heart, I still tremble slightly and have a certain anxiety. But in fact, at the same time, what I am afraid of is no longer what happened to be debunked, but what I am about to face after it is debunked.

It's not so much numbness as depression.

At that age, the first time I came into contact with the word depression was in Brother Cao's mouth. I still remember that a few days after Cao Ge first returned to Cao's house, he once mentioned the word depression when chatting.

Cao Ge said that she herself once felt that she was suffering from depression. At that time, when Cao Ge was saying this, she said that during that time, she was a little misanthropic with the world. Every day facing the blue sky and clear water of Dali, Yunnan Province, she feels that life is meaningless, and then suddenly one day, she finds that she suddenly falls in love with cloudy days, rainy days, thunderstorm days, and even any day that has nothing to do with the sun, she will feel happy. And that happiness comes from the insecurity in the depths of my heart.

She said that after her divorce, when she was driven out of the Cao family by her mother, she also felt that she was an abandoned person in this world. The marriage failed, the husband was gone, the children were gone, and even the family who loved him the most was Cao Qi. It's a pity that Cao Qi was still married at that time. She felt that the closest blood relationship to her in the world at that time was her mother, but in fact, the environment she was in and the environment she was in, in her heart, what her mother should have done, happened to be what her grandmother didn't do, and she chose to turn a blind eye to Cao Ge's state at that time.

She would close herself off for a while. She said that when she was in Yunnan, she looked out the window by herself, looking at the sky, looking at the people, looking at the reflection of the trees in the water, and looking at it was a day. At that time, she had no ideals and dreams of her own, and she did not dare to imagine and fantasize about her future.

She is afraid that the greater her hope, the greater the disappointment, and she is afraid that when one day love is not there and there is no family affection, she will be the most miserable person in the world.

When she was talking about depression, she was with Cao Qi.

Cao Qi is actually a good listener. When Cao Ge was beside him and told the painful process of his own heart over the years, Cao Qi was really like a father, listening attentively, and he tasted the joys, sorrows and sorrows of his sister in recent years from Cao Ge's words. He gently patted Cao Ge on the shoulder and told Cao Ge to rest assured that the string of family affection would never be broken, because she still had this brother.

I was sitting at a table not far away eating. When I heard the conversation between the two, while I put the word depression on myself, I was also glad that Cao Ge had such an understanding brother.

If, like Cao Ge, I also suffer from a lack of security in my soul and no longer have hope in the world, and when all the misfortunes in the world are raging with the wind, the difference between me and Cao Ge is that she has a brother to talk to, and I don't.

My relationship with my mother is no longer what it used to be. Then again, even if it can be restored, the generation gap between mother and daughter is light and far. Because when you close yourself off, you will open your heart to others without concealment, and refuse to let your dearest people peek into the secrets. This is the biggest hidden danger of a person's social barrier caused by anxiety from the bottom of his heart.

I was in the hallway, leaning against the windowsill, and suddenly I wanted to become a bird, so that a strong wind might blow the wings off my wings, so that I could not fly, but I would at least have a big tree to lean on.

It's a pity that God likes to play tricks on people, he always throws away the best and worst sides of people, and lets most people live in it, that is, mediocrity.

Later, I gave myself some definitions of this stage, that is, during this period, I did have a lot of common things in the world that I shouldn't have.

When I was in the office, I used to wonder what to do. Although I was still young, I knew that the momentum of public opinion was not controlled by people at all, and when a secret was torn open, most people swarmed like a swarm of ants. If you want to kill them all, or it is simply impossible to trace the source.

So, I panicked at the time. My classmates walked by in groups behind me, talking and laughing, and I stood alone in front of the windowsill like a transparent person. It was as if I wasn't the one standing in the office sweating and flustered.

I seemed to be isolated from the rest of the world, all I knew was that things were going to be more unexpected than I thought they would be, and the momentum was strong.

Suddenly, the class bell rang. I shuffled slowly to the classroom again. When I entered the door, I saw Kan Tao looking up at me. With my head down, I walked back to my seat unhurriedly. Kan Tao saw that I couldn't see anything abnormal, but he still asked, "Did the teacher say you?" I shook my head.

"Didn't say you?" I shook my head anyway.

"Don't tell me that you didn't hand in your homework, and the teacher praised you?" I shook my head anyway. He cut off disdainfully: "You let the teacher give you the drug?" How can you go there and not even speak? "I numbly took out the textbook I was about to use for class and put it on the table, holding the eraser in my hand and rubbing it there.

I put the eraser in my left hand, poured it from right to right hand, and from right hand to left hand.

The left hand is sunny, and the right hand is rainy.

I don't have the consciousness to listen to the lecture at all. My mind and state of mind were all drifting. wandered to the edge of the cape, and wandered to the chapters and passages of a novel about life.