The phone alarm clock rang at eight o'clock, I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and changed clothes, opened the window to let in fresh air, and then took my bag to Yummy to work. Lina: Around the same time, we sat on stools in the recess room, lining up one by one to go into the locker room to change. The last one was my turn, put on the gray staff uniform, checked that the badge was buttoned on the left chest, and then put on a disposable hat and mask to enter the infield.

Most of my shifts are in the middle shift, so the morning shift has already prepared the materials, and I just need to help her weigh them. When you're free, help the snack counter weigh the potato wedges together.

The weekend meal is very busy, and at noon I picked up the pot and poured oil into it, because the noodle counter was small, my hand touched the edge of the pot, so my arm was burned with a red mark four centimeters long, and the heat was uncomfortable. After work, I went to the manager's office to apply some burn medicine, changed my clothes and prepared to go out to eat, Lina asked me, "Hua, when are you working late?" ”

"Next Wednesday." I replied.

"I'm closed at night, but I have something to do, can I change it with you?"

I shook my head, "I have something to do at night." ”

I don't want to help people close on weekends, because there are many people and orders, and I usually have to leave work an hour later than usual.

"Oh, help me one more time." She pulled me.

I still shook my head insistingly, "Rena is in charge of the shift, you should tell her to go and ask her to find someone to replace you." ”

"I told her, but she said she had to say it by Wednesday if she wanted to change the schedule, and now it's Saturday."

"Then there's not much to say. Come on. ”

I left with my phone.

I went to buy a bag of whole wheat bread and a bottle of milk, and took a few bus stops to Flushing Park. Sitting on the grass closest to the lake, then sitting and listening to music with headphones on, I ate two slices of whole wheat bread in a pack of six slices and was full. The summer sun is the brightest, and after eating I walked a few steps to the side, sat down in the shade of a tree, leaned against the branch and quickly fell asleep.

Luckily, I set my alarm clock in advance, and I woke up after about half an hour of sleep.

Sitting in the bus, I inadvertently flipped through the chat logs, and it had been a long time since Sano had sent me words like 'good morning', 'good evening', and 'I love you'. I'm tired of hearing it, and he's tired of it. Now he occasionally forgets to reply to my messages because he is busy, and I also forget to reply to him because I am tired. Our relationship seems to be improving, becoming more acquainted, more like intimate people, but I still feel that something is wrong, but I can't think of where.

I still sit at work at night and do the same thing, weighing fried noodles and cooking noodles.

When I got back from work, I called Sano and asked him if he wanted to meet. His words were a little vague, and he said that he was a little busy.

"Is that even seeing? I've just gotten off work and I'm still outside, and I'll be home if I don't see it. ”

"Then you go back first and rest early."

I was silent for three seconds, hung up the phone angrily, and then walked back depressed with a single room bag on my back.

I was depressed as I walked, and when I got to the door, I still felt uncomfortable, so I called him again and said, "I'll go find you." ”

I didn't wait for him to reply, and I took a taxi to Hilton.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing."

"Then why don't you want to see me?"

"You're going to dinner?"

"I just got off work and haven't eaten yet." I continued to ask, "Why don't you want to see me?" ”

"I'm a little tired today, I want to see you tomorrow, tomorrow there will be fewer things."

I tugged at the mouth of his white shirt and complained, "I don't care about that." Shano, don't you think our relationship is strange? ”

"Is there one?"

"Of course. You're always on business trips, so we see each other every month, but we don't look like we're in a relationship at all. We always meet at the hotel and do the most vulgar things, not at all like those normal couples! ”

He was stunned.

"Don't you think? You haven't taken me to see the fireworks, we haven't seen the movies together, we haven't had real dates and candlelit dinners. We sometimes feel like we're pets, waiting for our owners to come back. ”

"We're in a long-distance relationship......"

"Shall we end our long-distance relationship?"

Sano looked at me with a wary gaze: "You want to come to Japan?" ”

"No, you can come to the United States." I said, "Aren't you a multinational?" ”

Sha Ye shook his head strongly, "No, it's still different from Japan, and I can't get used to the customs here." ”

"Then I'm going to Japan? Good no good? ”

"Hua, calm down, let's discuss slowly."

"I'll go to Japan to find a job, and then we'll have a baby and live an ordinary life, okay?"

My words frightened him, and he did not dare to look at me or speak.

I finally shut up.

I took off my own clothes and also off his shirt, and I stepped on his white shirt and bit his lip and said, "Let's have a baby." I want to have a home, I don't want to be alone in a strange place anymore, and I don't feel safe at all. ”

He refused my kiss, but the more he did this, the more I wouldn't let go.

He dragged me to the bathroom, filled the sink with water, and dipped my head in the sink to silence me completely.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked me very coldly.

My eyes were red, and the water that ran down my hair and fell to my cheeks fell to the ground like tears.

I looked at him with an unfamiliar gaze and asked confirmatively, "Shaye?" ”

The real Shaye, I know it as Shaye, it shouldn't be like this, that person is very good to me, and he won't be so rude and unreasonable.

"It's me." He said, his eyes a little gentle, but without the slightest intention of getting close to me.

"Did something happen?"

"Nothing." "We need to calm down," he said. ”

"You never loved me, did you?"

I really cried, and I asked this sentence with hatred and reluctance.

"I... I love you, but ......"

He didn't say any more, but I got it.

We sat down on the edge of the bathtub, and I asked him in a hoarse voice: "That year, in London, on my doorstep, the time you met my ex-boyfriend, when you left, I noticed that you were holding a pink box in your hand. Now can you tell me, what is that thing? ”

"It's a table lamp I wanted to give you back then." "There are a lot of shops in Otaru that sell these glasses and decorations," he said. ”

"Now, do you think I'm not the same as I was when I was in London?"

Instead, he replied, "Yes." ”

I laughed sarcastically, "If you've lived the same life as me, you should know that if you fail me, you're the worst person in the world." ”

I continued: "My parents were businessmen, they never cared about my life or death, I grew up living with them, but I never felt the love of my parents. Because my father is too busy with work, and my mother has been busy taking care of my second child, my sister, who is six years younger than me. I've always been a lonely upbringing. Do you know why I always drink when I'm in London? Because I'm lonely. I don't have to report my studies to my family every day, report my expenses, report all kinds of boring trivial things, I want money, how much I want, they can give it to me, and I don't ask, are such parents very good? But I really envy those classmates who call their parents every day, even when they are busy, they call once every two or three days, and they don't feel annoyed. And me, I've always hung up on a rare phone call from them, do you know why? Because they always asked me to meet the children of some of my father's business partners and wanted us to develop. Other children are treasures in the eyes of their families, but I am like a commodity with a vague price. I hate them. So I came to New York without telling everyone. ”

My tears welled up and I couldn't hold them back anymore.

"I'm not Cinderella, but I'm not a princess either, and I don't know what I am."

Sano didn't speak, but reached out and handed me a few tissues.

"I've lost the love of a lot of people, and if you don't love me anymore, I'm nothing. Can you always love me? All right? Promise me, okay? ”

The bathroom was empty and quiet, and Sano's cell phone rang, he took it out of his pants, said sorry, and went out to answer the phone.

I probably lost again.

After he left, I went to wash my face in the wash, trying to make my eyes less painful, but I looked at myself in the mirror with swollen eyes, and I wanted to smash the mirror in front of me. So I started crying again. At the same time, I noticed a blade about five centimeters long next to the washbasin, and I had the idea to hold it with my right hand and cut the vein in my left wrist.

Strangely, I didn't feel any pain at all. I remember that I made three strokes, of different shades, and the blood quickly flowed out of the invisible scars, red and red, like a rose at midnight, with a dangerous desire.

I sat on the floor with my back against the cold white wall.

Am I going to die?

Let me die, okay?