I've been waiting for him to call me, even if it's a text message. So I kept scrolling through text messages, swiping call logs, and flipping through past communications again and again. At the beginning, he loved me so much, we didn't see each other for more than a year, and he still fell in love with me, so I relented and agreed, said good morning to me, said good night to me, asked me if I had eaten, and asked me how I was doing today. He is gentler than Zhang Cheng, more mature than him, and takes more care of me than him, he let me slowly fall in love with him and slowly melt me, but the final result is the same as in the past. Why do we do this?

I waited for him every day, after a week, seven days, 168 hours, 10,080 minutes, 604,800 seconds, I waited so long, but I didn't wait. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I frantically called him countless times, but he didn't answer, I remembered the MSN that I hadn't used for a long time, so I boarded it up again, and sent him a message, and he never replied.

"Why are you doing this to me? You pursued me first! ”

"Shano, you're sorry for me! You've betrayed me just like they did! ”

After more than ten minutes, MSN finally rang, and then his phone finally called.

"Why are you only picking it up now?"

"I'm busy, you know, I'm busy."

"Do you have a new love?"

"Yes."

"Who is she?"

"My college classmate in Tokyo, she was very good."

"Really?"

"Hua, how are you doing?"

"It's not good at all." I said, "It's really boring, I'm going to go home and inherit my family's business, do you want to come to China to develop?" ”

"What are you kidding, I'm going to a meeting, are you getting your hands right, pay attention to rest."

"Wait a minute!"

"Anything else?" Shano was a little impatient.

"I ......"

"Don't call me again in the future, don't send it to MSN anymore, my girlfriend will mind."

"What if I don't agree?"

"Then I'll have to change my phone number. Fewer and fewer people are using MSN now, and I don't plan to use it anymore. ”

I was silent on the phone, unable to speak anymore, and pride made me hang up the phone first. I looked up and saw the computer sent by Sha Ye on MSN: "Don't bother me anymore, we're done, aren't we?" It's what you call a breakup. ”

I hid my face in front of the computer and cried, my hand had been stitched off, but the ugly scar was sewn into my wrist like a worm, and I couldn't even bear to look at it.

I rushed out of the house, and Brooks saw me at the yard gate, smiling and greeting me. I ran past him as fast as I could, crying as I ran. With my hair uncut in a long time, I forgot how many streets I had run through, but in short, in this intricate Flushing, under the gaze of Mexicans and Africans, all the way to Flushing Park. Brooks saw something was wrong with me and kept chasing me behind me, and at the traffic lights a few blocks away, he chased me away.

I finally ran to Flushing Park, and it was summer, the sun was scorching, sweating profusely, and I was sweating and sweating, and I was yelling and screaming like a deranged madman, and I jumped into that lake in Flushing Park.

I am a coward of life, I don't deserve love, and I don't want to be loved again.

This is the second time I have sought death.

But again failed.

According to Brooks, I was rescued by passers-by and taken to the hospital. He suffered severe water ingress in his lungs and spent two days in a coma in the ICU before being transferred to a general ward. When I became conscious, the phrase from MSN automatically flashed in my brain. Men always regard their relationship as a storm, so every time they are in a relationship, it is always women who are hurt the most.

I wanted to die, I refused to be treated, I refused to inject the potion, and the nurse injected me with an anesthetic to complete the dressing change, which made me fall asleep. Because of my resistance and my admission to the hospital, the doctor prescribed me two more boxes of medicine for depression, and he said that when I felt like I was drowning, I would take the white pill and the purple pill if I was wrong. This was the first time I knew the word "depression", I never thought it was a disease, but the doctor said that if I felt unhappy every day, it was depression.

I don't believe it. He gave me a set of Minnesota psychological tests, hundreds of questions, and I was a little impatient, and the doctor put on a soothing piano piece, and I got better. The report is five pages long, with various analyses and images, and the results of the examination show that it is major depressive disorder. That's why I committed suicide by jumping into the river.

He told me that I could come to him for daily reporting. I shook my head and said I didn't believe in the treatment. What can you do in an hour? I questioned his professionalism.

One hundred and two dollars an hour, I look down on it, after all, my salary is only eighteen dollars an hour.

He handed me a business card of his, and said, "If you are in trouble, you can come and consult me." ”

I took it, threw it in the medical trash can when I went out, and went back to the ward.

Brooks bought white porridge from a Chinese restaurant and brought it over, accompanied by a salted duck egg, which is a delicacy in the world.

Mrs. Duris is like my mother, and he is like my father.

He has always been by my side, and he has always helped me in my most difficult times, making me feel that I will never be able to repay his help in my life.

When I returned to my apartment in Flushing, I lay in bed for another half a month, during which he took care of me. I was embarrassed to eat and drink for nothing, so I gave him all the wages in my wallet for this month. But I've only been on duty for a few days, and the $300 isn't enough to pay for the medical bills.

"Hua, what happened in the past can't be changed, learn to let go of it."

"I know, I need some time."

I remembered that he was a Christian and asked him, "Mr. Brooks, if it were God, would God forgive those guys?" ”

"Yes. God exists because of this. ”

"So existing? I don't believe it. Mr. Brooks, why should God forgive such people? It's not worth it at all. ”

"Hua, you need to remember that God is love and forgiveness."

"Nope! I don't want to forgive them, I'll never forgive Shano! ”

Mr. Brooks handed me the water cup and put two antidepressant pills in the palm of my hand, "After eating the noodles, after taking the medicine, take a good nap." ”

"Thank you." I said, "But the noodles you made today are too bland, you should add two spoonfuls of salt." ”

"I remember adding two spoonfuls because it was the only Chinese food I could make."

"Really? I didn't eat it, it felt very light. ”

"Maybe it's because I'm sick." He said, and went out.

I slept all the time and didn't eat dinner.

At night, my throat itched like many hairs, and I coughed so hard that I felt like my lungs were going to explode, and finally vomited all the noodles I had eaten at noon into the toilet bowl.

Looking at himself in the mirror, who was pale and thin, his eyes turned red all of a sudden.

I thought, how can I spend such a long time in the future? When will I be able to come out of the shadows, and when will I die again.

Nothing is certain.

I found that everything I ate was starting to taste nothing, and my ears were terrible. When I went back for a follow-up appointment, I told the doctor about this, and the doctor concluded that it was sensory integration disorder. Depending on the patient's condition, there may be adverse conditions such as heat and cold reactions, taste bud disorders, deafness or blindness.

I went home with the diagnostic report and tucked it in my diary. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I pulled out and took the diary at the bedside in my hand. I pulled out the report and looked at it for a long time, not knowing whether to throw it away or save it. Who will see what is left behind? But if I throw it away, I feel that if no one knows what I have experienced in this life after death, I am too unwilling.