appendix

adolescence

The water on the gas stove in the outhouse was boiling. The pot whistled sharply. I was tired and pretended not to hear. There is a wind blowing. The door creaked open. My bed was close to the door. I lay on the bed and masturbated. I closed it with one free hand. After a while, the door opened again, and I left it alone. Let the door open, let the pot ring.

I had a house at that time. My heart and I rested there for many years.

We fought in the alleys all day. "Devils" often capture the "Eight Roads" alive. The "thief" actually dared to chase the "public security". It seems to be different from what is shown on TV, who is more real than whom? Hutong is the mother of my memories. When I was growing up, there was a time when I was drunk and I was crying in the alley.

We're dirty little kids with snot and shiny cuffs. There is an old locust tree in the alley, and there is also a small elm tree. The little elm tree was later cut down by Bai Yan's father, and he bought a shovel and installed it. Bai Yan's father said it was just right. We also smiled and said, "Yes, yes, just right." Her dad threw a cigarette butt and walked away without speaking. I hurriedly picked it up and took two puffs, and the strong man next to me said, "Liang Yuan leave me some, leave me some." I took another sharp sip and spit on the ground, and I smiled evilly and said, "Suck!" ”

The elm money in the alley has fallen, and the acacia flowers have bloomed. My hobby is tree climbing. There is a soul in the tree. Birds also have a nest, a nest. I poked the nest. Tie the lit firecracker to the bird and say with infinite affection: "Fly, you are free." Amitabha! "Sophora flowers may be edible. Hadron said it was poisonous. Xiao Wu said that it was not poisonous. I said mushrooms are poisonous. Bai Yan said: "Anyway, I ate it, and everyone will die together." ”

I like Bai Yan. Eros is a chubby little boy who can fly. Carrying a large dirty bag with toys and of course a bow and arrow. This grandson is bad and ready to shoot down whose whole life he has. I like to watch Bai Yan stick out her tongue and say no with a straight face, just because I fell in love with her.

Once I climbed a tree and saw that the pickle jar in her yard had forgotten to cover, and the Chinese cabbage under the windowsill had also forgotten to cover. She stood alone in front of the window, small and with big sad eyes. Two tightly braided braids, two secrets that no one knows, waiting for someone to unravel the mystery of first love. Wind and rain are shaking, and green silk is not old. Swallow, swallow, mysterious swallow.

Once the veil of mystery is lifted, it loses its mystery and beauty. Once I climbed a tree and saw her go to the toilet. The open-air kind, of course. She slowly took off her pants. My eyes lit up, and the thief lit up. Her ass was white, dazzlingly white. She crouched down and and seemed to make a sound. It's a pity that I'm too far away to hear. I only saw that the was thin and yellow, like mustard oil. There's a hare jumping in my chest. In fact, there is a fawn jumping in her heart, and she has seen me.

That night I lost sperm, in a dream. There was a bubble of urine that seemed to be held for thousands of years, and it made my little stomach ache. I can't scream in my dreams, or I'll wake up. There was no green gauze tent, no birch forest, no place for me to pee.

It was on that night that Bai Yan had her period. She and I both looked at our panties in a daze. They are two maps of different colors, each guiding the awakening of sexual consciousness that perpetuates in the depths of the soul.

Since then, I have stopped climbing trees, but Bai Yan has developed a bad habit of squinting. When she met me in the alley, she gave me three words with a straight face: "Shameless." "I wanted to say you had a birthmark on your butt, but I didn't, just whistled loudly.

Life in the world, sometimes boring, sometimes lonely, sometimes eating, sometimes sitting, sometimes, sometimes sleeping, sometimes happy, sometimes silly, sometimes **, sometimes annoying. Everything is sometimes. I saw Bai Yan's ass is also doomed.

It will rain, the trees will sprout, and the children in the alley will grow up. Two years have passed. In the past two years, some of my trivial things, a few glances, and some fragmented words have become the most powerful evidence in Bai Yan's eyes. She suspected that I was in love with her. There was a fire burning in her heart.

The summer of that year was very hot, and the acquaintance on the old elm tree in the alley was annoying. I have a beer bottle on the windowsill of my house, and the candle stuck in the bottle is so soft that it is bent over. I came back from school and threw it away. After a heavy rain, there are more wet branches in the empty bottles. Bai Yan must have done it, and there is a moon tree in her yard.

The girl's feelings are simple and fragile, and they are as subtle as the buds of the moon and the moon sprout layer upon layer. I stood in my room and looked at the moon for a long time.

I wrote her a love letter. She was my neighbor, just a wall away, but I sent it to her school. Now I just remember the phrase "broken heart". I was excited and anxious. Walking around the room. Then I got thick-skinned and couldn't find it anymore.

Girls are so weird. I look at her ass and she still likes me. Every maiden has a heart like a cloud, her mind can fly, and she has a bird in her body. Bai Yan's little bird was blind and fell in love with me.

Bai Yan replied. After evening self-study, she knocked on my window, knocked three times, handed me a note, and ran. I can still recall the footsteps that faded away. The moment I opened the note, the blood vessels in my whole body were about to explode, and my heart ached for a while because of happiness, and my whole body trembled inexplicably. It reads: See you tomorrow night at 12 o'clock in the alley.

Oh my God, Hutong, I'm here to kowtow to you.

I put the note under my pillow and lay down on the bed. The note seemed to exude fragrance, like a thousand flowers blooming under the pillow.

This warmth made me close my eyes, but I couldn't sleep, and I opened my eyes again and again to look at the moonlight outside the window.

The next day was Saturday. After school in the morning, Qiangzi and Xiao Wu and I sat on a bench on the side of the road and watched the street scene. At that time, silk tops were popular on the streets, and they were the kind of people who said "I'm wearing a bra". Later, pedal pants became popular, for fear that others would not know how fat and big their buttocks were.

"Bai Yan, this girl, it's really sassy." Hadron said. Xiao Wu suggested that I do her at night. I said, "If her dad finds out, my life will be lost." Xiao Wu said: "The female dog bared her teeth, the male dog climbed up, what kind of hooligan, besides, you are not a good bird." A store selling cassette tapes came from Yang Yuying's singing: "Don't ask me how many stars I have. "Me and

Qiangzi and Xiao Wu sang loudly together: "I will tell you a lot, a lot." "I said that Bai Yan has freckles on her face, and she looks like a fairy when she looks like a fairy. Qiangzi said that there are not many girls like Yang Yuying in this world, even if there are more, they won't give us a few leftovers, so let's make do with it. Xiao Wu looked up to the sky and sighed, much like a hero who was tired of the rivers and lakes.

The years of looking at the street view have passed. I miss that time.

Bai Yan's mother set up a fruit stand at the entrance of the hospital, and the scales were always drooping when she weighed things. On that day, the people on the street were as thin as the teeth of an 80-year-old lady, and business was bleak, and every passer-by Bai Yan's mother had to ask if she wanted oranges or bananas. Bai Yan, who was wearing a torn skirt, ran over and said, "Mom, I want a new dress." Her mother coaxed her and said, "I'll buy it for you tomorrow." She disagreed, cried and fussed, and was slapped twice.

At midnight, the moonlight in the alley is like water. I was standing under the locust tree and heard the wooden door of Bai Yan's house creak open. She was wearing a new dress and ran towards me like a bird.

"Is it pretty?" She stopped in front of me and asked with a smile. She wears a pale yellow susper-length dress with small blue stars embroidered on the neckline and cuffs. Her eyes were a little swollen from crying, but they were big and bright. She spread her braids and draped them over her shoulders like adults. I said, "Swallow, it's time for you to comb your hair." Her awl-like eyes pierced me: "Use your care." ”

A cricket in the grass at the foot of the wall chirped, and then under the locust tree, and for some reason my heart beat faster. She raised her face. The moonlight made her charming. I hugged her so suddenly and brutally that she didn't have time to turn around. Love is just a box, packed with sensuality. At that time, I had a little lust in my heart. She pouted and struggled with very little force, and I don't know where her strength had gone to carry the wood. She quieted down, biting her lip and looking up at the blue Milky Way in the night sky, then sighed and closed her eyes, her long eyelashes. She listened to my heartbeat and felt my request. I swallowed. She said no. I had kissed her trembling rose petals. Kissed the doubt, kissed the rejection. The purest shyness is blooming. The first kiss was really as gentle as moonlight, but unfortunately it tasted like leeks. The dumplings she ate at noon. And I can't feel it. My heart felt like it was going to jump out. There was a jade sheen on her raised face, and the freckles were gone. My vision was blurring. Suddenly it was dark. Dizzy. The earth is spinning. Later I knew it wouldn't feel like a second time in my life.

Her hair was blown up by the wind and brushed against my face. I want to sneeze. I could smell the fragrance in her ears. The mind is clear. The dust root was instantly erect and extremely hard. I grew up at that moment. I hugged her tightly and I just wanted to pee. However, she blushed and pushed me away and said, "Bad thing". I hugged her again, but she was so frightened that she ran away with all the strength she could use to chop wood. After running a few steps, she suddenly stopped, looked back at me with a defiant gaze, and stuck out her tongue and said to me, "Rascal." ”

She ignored me from then on. She thinks I'm a dangerous person. Actually, I'm really dangerous.

Since then, when I'm lonely, when I'm walking, when I'm watching TV alone, when I'm peeling oranges, when I'm **, I'll hear her say "hooligan". That night, I masturbated for the first time. I came home and lay on the bed and turned off the lights, I wasn't sleepy. In this life and in this life, I want to thank my right and left hands.

Sexual fantasies often carry a sense of crime. A beard grew on my mouth, and I had devouring evil thoughts in my heart. Puberty has come before you know it. As soon as adolescence is over, youth is over, just as everything is dark when the sky is dark. I'm fantasizing**. The landscapes in my diary in those days were gloomy and treacherous.

In the blink of an eye, I graduated from junior high school. Bai Yan was admitted to the city's health school, and only came back during the summer and winter vacations. I went to high school, Qiangzi went to Qinghai as a soldier, and Xiaowu was unemployed at home. I don't know why I'm in a trance all day. Every unhappy heart in the world is like every unhappy grass. Lonesome. Lose. It was as if abandoned.

I often skip school and sit on the side of the road with Xiao Wu to watch the street scene, or go to the billiards room to play ball, and we all say "×" loudly after the ball misses. Xiao Wu and I have discussed life. Xiao Wu said that he is himself, what does it have to do with other people's lives. Xiao Wu said that he was going to make a lot of money. "You can't do anything with money", but he did manual work in the workshop of an auto repair shop. The machines in the workshop roared, dust flew everywhere, and the walls were covered with obscene words from workers. One of them—** it—is something I will never forget.

My dad was a project manager for a construction company. My mom is a nurse at the county hospital. I think of the boulevard in the hospital, where my mom was holding my hand like a puppy. The air is filled with the strong scent of sycamore flowers. My mother's white lab coat was spotless, and mine was a little wrinkled.

My dad and my mom often quarreled over trivial things. We often make trivial mistakes in life.

One night, the power went out, the yard was hot, and mosquitoes were flying. My mom and I had dinner in the yard, and my dad came back from work to bring back a kitten. Mom chewed a piece of meat and fed it, but it wouldn't eat it. I'll take it to the alley to play. Bai Yan called it Mimi, Qiangzi called it Xiao Hei, and Xiao Wu said that he looked like a fool. I said it was my cat, and I announced that it was called Ball.

When I got home, I found that my parents had gone to bed early. I was in the dark living room, I heard a low gasp, and I hugged the kitten and smiled. Actually, I was a kind child. That night was the only happy night I can remember. It was my birthday.

Then my parents quarreled again, the plates shattered, the teacups shattered, and I hung the cat on a chair in my room in tears. I think that masturbation may have something to do with my parents' quarrel, or maybe it doesn't matter, and no one can find a reason. There are always things in the depths of human nature that cannot be explained, for example, people are born with sex.

In my sophomore year of high school, I was expelled from school. I like to go to the movies alone, and I feel very desolate after the show. When I came home alone, I dreamed almost every day and night, dreaming that I was sitting on the swing in the school and kicking the remnants of snow on the ground, dreaming that there was a broken piece of paper buried under the roses with Bai Yan's name written on it, and dreaming that I, Bai Yan, and Qiangzi built a snowman at the mouth of the alley, and then shouted two or three, and punched and kicked it together.

At this time, in the midst of the chaos of steps, a less important woman walked into my life. My mother had stomach cancer, and she couldn't get out of bed after cutting half of her stomach, and she rolled in bed in pain every night. I

My dad was very busy with business and rarely came home, so he found a nanny to take care of my mother. The nanny's name is Ruyue and she is 8 years older than me. She was beautiful and poor, wearing a crumpled red dress all day. I had evil thoughts that she was sexy, and that she was the kind of sexy person in a red dress. I also despise her with the pride of a teenager. Look down on her name, her profession, her body.

Ruyue is a countryman, she speaks in a rustic manner, and Xiao Wu calls her eleventh sister. I can't fall in love with her, but I want to take possession of her with fear, of her body. I'm not a virgin anymore because I've ** been. But I haven't tasted the forbidden fruit yet, and that must be a wonderful thing. And the Fallen may be two sisters, their mother called emptiness. I'm empty, and my idle soul is wandering. I have nothing to do except wander around the streets. I waited until midnight every day to watch the World Cup.

I was standing alone in the garden at midnight. The nightshade at the foot of the wall will be lonely from dusk to dawn. I knocked down the nearest flower. Some of the grass looks fresh in the night, and some of the shadows look fresh in the night. The lights are on in the kitchen, and Ruyue is cooking for my mother. My mom was a night owl who slept during the day and stayed awake at night. I crept over and grabbed the windowsill and looked in. Voyeurism splits people's personalities. My heart was beating hard, but I felt a sense of criminal pleasure. What would I like to see?

Ruyue is stir-frying, and her slender waist is tied with an apron. Her neck is beautiful. She lowered her head and turned off the gas, a strand of hair hanging down, and I saw her **. My body reacted immediately. She was so close and so far away from me, just separated by a wall. She must have heard my strange gasps.

"Liang Yuan, you're scared me to death, why haven't you slept yet?" Ruyue saw me, asked a little frightened, and then smiled. I went to the door and said, "I have to watch the World Cup." My voice trembled, as if I had lied.

"You like to watch football?" She asked. I said, "Yes, I like it a lot." "What's there?" She asked nonchalantly. I said, "Ice skating, listening to rock 'n' roll, watching horror movies, what do you like?" She glanced at me and saw the bulge between my crotch. She frowned and served the tomatoes and eggs from the pan on a plate. I love scrambled eggs with tomatoes. My face turned red, and then I was convicted of hooliganism and put in a juvenile detention center, and after I was released from prison I had grown up to be a man. Men can be lustful, but they can't lose their true colors, which is the result of my hard thinking in prison.

I went back to my room. The match between Italy and France has already begun on television. I lay on the bed, staring at the spinning ceiling fan.

I went to wash my hands, and Ruyue was mopping the floor in the living room. The neckline of her skirt was low and I saw her ** again. If she hadn't, if she had been wearing a shirt and buttoning up, I think my life would have changed. A person's fate often depends on something small, such as a wall, two brushes, three or four sentences, six or seven eyes, and so on. "What's your mother's illness?" She asked.

"Stomach cancer, she is also addicted to drugs, she is addicted to drugs, and she can't live for a few days." My eyes lit up. Ruyue suddenly noticed it, glared at me and got up to go to the bathroom to mop it. I also followed up and washed my hands slowly and dried them off. Ruyue said very uneasily: "I want to take a bath when you go out." ”

The bathroom lights went out. There was no show on the TV, and there was a rustling sound. I stood motionless outside the door. Ruyue felt me and didn't dare to alarm all this. But the evil thoughts in my heart can be described as the prototype of animal desire, and they can grow up in an instant. The sound of water in the bathroom is loud, and it only takes a match to illuminate the woman's ** inside. She's going to scream. She thought it would be safe to lock the door, but she left me gasping and suffocating, conflicting, and fighting with the beast inside. The beast grinned. The devil's claws are hard and powerful, they can tear skirts, tear off panties, they can defy morality, they can ignore the law, and I want to rape her.

I went into the house and took two yellow DVDs and put them in a prominent place in the living room, and placed a match on them. I went to sleep satisfied.

When I woke up the next day, it was nearly noon. The first thing I did when I got up was to see if the match on the disc was still there—the match had fallen to the ground, and I smiled sinisterly. I think Ruyue must have read it, and the content must have made her heartbroken.

At noon, my dad came back and told Ruyue not to forget to give my mother an injection, take her temperature, and measure her blood pressure. He deliberately let my mom hear it, but in fact he was hoping that my mom would die soon. All afternoon I began to work on scheming, surveying the terrain where I could commit crimes. It's definitely not good in the living room, my room is too close to my mother's room, and there is an axe in Ruyue's room, even worse. Under a plane tree in the courtyard, the grass was green, and my heart was boiling when I looked there.

Night came, and I was done on that night. Sooner or later, I will be planted in my own hands. Darkness is the garment of sin. I lay in bed, brewing courage. I hugged the pillow as if I were wrapping my arms around her petite waist. Fantasy unfolded in my mind like a dark cloud, and I didn't hesitate anymore. My mom sat on the bed with a cloaked hair, her face pale, her hands clutching the sheets. She was still very conscious, and said to Ruyue weakly: "It's here again, tie me up quickly." "Ruyue knew that my mother's drug addiction and stomach pain were about to attack, so she quickly looked for a rope, but she couldn't find it. She remembered the one in the yard where the clothes were drying. When she tiptoed to untie the rope under the plane tree, two cold hands hugged her tightly from behind.

I was a little dizzy with excitement, and the woman in my arms screamed "Mommy" and struggled. I heard a voice gasp and say, "Don't move, please, don't move!" Ruyue finally broke free and looked at me in horror. I don't know what to say, or laugh or be silent. I suddenly took off my pants and the thing was stiff. Ruyue wanted to run, but her legs were weak, and she was hugged by me again. I won't let this opportunity go so easily. I threw her to the ground, rolling, spinning. She started yelling angrily, calling me a little brute, and if the other person was a man older than her, she might beg for mercy. I was still holding her, her skirt crumpled. When I forcibly kissed her neck, I smelled a strong fragrance and involuntarily pressed my lower body against her body. I shivered through my skirt. My body trembled with a tingling sensation - a terrible long-pitched scream suddenly came from the room, and my mother had slit her arteries from the pain of drug addiction and stomach cancer.