2019.1.26 Cloudy Saturday in Wuhan

I'm Anning, Pisces, and I'm 26 years old.

No, according to the solar calendar, it should be considered 27 years old.

This diary is a record of my first psychotherapy with a psychiatrist.

I don't know when my memories began to shatter, and there were always scars on my body for unknown reasons. Even under the noses of my parents, I never escaped.

My grandmother thought I was entangled in something unknown, and my parents thought I was too confused to remember how I was hurt.

This phenomenon did not decrease as I got older, but became more and more serious, and I often woke up suddenly to find myself alone, in an unknown street.

All this does not happen at night, but in the peaceful daytime.

It's impossible, I'm sleepwalking during the day, right?

I went to the brain doctor because I wondered if I had Alzheimer's disease, but the brain doctor told me to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist hypnotized me, and according to her statement, when I was hypnotized, I told me about some of my dreams, some of which I never remembered and never remembered:

I often meet a person in my dreams, he will wear all kinds of clothes, appear in different scenes, I can't see his face clearly, but I remember his eyes, pure and bright. Those eyes, always looking at me, contain all kinds of feelings, how to describe it, a hundred turns of tenderness?

The distance between me and him, far and near, alienated and familiar, intimate and indifferent, he always holds an umbrella, what kind of umbrella? Let me think about it, I don't remember exactly, but there was an umbrella anyway.

Before I was 12 years old, I didn't dream, I always fell asleep and didn't know anything, and when I woke up, it was a new day. When did you start dreaming so often?

During the hypnosis, I told the psychiatrist that it all started after a rainy afternoon.

At that time, I was still in junior high school, and I had a week to go before the summer vacation, and it rained for a day, and it didn't stop until the evening. Holding an umbrella, I rushed home with my childhood friends on a waterlogged road.

The weather that day was also very strange, tomorrow and tomorrow there was still a continuous rain, but in the west, there was a pink sunset, and there was no sun on the side, only a large pink cloud. I stared at the pink clouds while avoiding the stagnant water on the ground, and I was so fascinated by it that I almost bumped into a man head-on.

At that time, I was in a panic, just thinking about dodging, and stepped into the puddle with one foot, and the friends who followed me were all splashed with mud by my recklessness.

"I'm sorry!"

I reacted, and immediately apologized, these three words, half of them were for my friends, and half of them were for the person who looked back at me.

Short head, the upper body is a white shirt, the lower body is a pair of black suit pants, a pair of black rain boots on the feet, the rubber kind, in the hand, support, is also a black umbrella. I can't remember his appearance, but his eyes are the brightest I have ever seen, black and white, but they are filled with thousands of colors. He just turned sideways slightly, smiled at me, and went back to his path.

"What are you looking at?"

My friends asked me.

"I almost bumped into a big brother just now, apologize to him!"

My explanation, did not exchange for the relief of the friends, they thought that I was making excuses for my own recklessness, I couldn't argue, pointed to the back that had not disappeared, and explained to them:

"What I said is true, he hasn't gone far yet!"

"No one?"

"Are you stunned?"

There were three people in a line, and the other two people were all inexplicable.

I looked at the back, and glanced at the puddle on the side, where there was no reflection of his figure, and I panicked, and when I went to look for him on the road again, there was no trace of him.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm kidding, scare and scare you."

That was the first time I lied, and I was so frightened and scared that for the next six months, I started dreaming, and it was all about demons and monsters.

Half a year later, my dream changed, a piece of gray, in the dream, I seemed to be looking for something, but I couldn't remember what I was looking for, and later, looking for it, that figure appeared.

During the whole hypnosis process, every word I said, I didn't recognize a word when I woke up.

I came to find the reason for the fragments of my memories during the day, and now it's okay, and there's one more symptom of dreams, and one more man I don't have any memories of.

My psychiatrist is a very gentle, good-tempered young lady, she speaks in a very good voice, as soon as I open the door, she looks at me and smiles, very sweet and sweet kind of smile.

During the whole treatment process, I stared at her, and after watching it for a long time, a thought came to my mind, she should be a fox!

It's the kind of stupid and cute little white fox, soft and glutinous.

I myself was taken aback by this idea.

"You can try to keep a journal!"

"Diary?"

"You can record what happens around you, whether it's daytime or nighttime dreams, as long as you remember, you can write her down."

Psychiatrists believe that dreaming at night is a kind of shallow sleep, and such sleep quality cannot ensure that the brain gets enough rest.

Today is the first day of my journaling, and I hope I don't run into evil.

During the hypnosis process, the man I remembered, the man I didn't have any impression of, I always felt that he was the unclean thing in my grandmother's mouth.

The psychiatrist doesn't think that I have really seen these things, on the contrary, an eleven or twelve-year-old child's imagination will be very rich, and some coincidences will be constantly perfected by himself in his mind.

So, the final conclusion came back to me.

I may really have a sick brain, a memory defect, I don't remember anything, I don't know anything.

Now, I'm sitting in my rented house, on the desk in front of me, with a glass of water. Just for a moment, I lowered my head again, and on the note I had just written, I don't know when, I poured a whole glass of water on it.

Are you sleepwalking again?

My whole book is soaked, holding a hair dryer, and after drying it, the originally flat page is not like words.

I'm a little tired, the New Year is approaching, when will my illness that has been with me for many years disappear?

Another shaker, and when I came back to my senses, I was already sitting in the barbecue restaurant downstairs.

When I came back from the store, I was very angry, and while taking notes, I swore in my mind that this year, I must see a doctor well, take medicine well, and strive for a speedy recovery.