I used to love to dream, but now I am afraid of memories. Once wandered as beautiful as midspring and midsummer, and then indulged in tears like sad autumn and cold winter. In fact, I carefully looked back on the past, only to find that the culprit of this situation has always been me, if it wasn't for my willfulness at the beginning, if it wasn't for my weakness and incompetence at the beginning, if it wasn't for the lazy I was at the beginning, maybe I can be happier now......

In fact, the tragedy of all this originated from filling in the college entrance examination. Why? In fact, I don't understand how my brain circuit went at the beginning, and I obviously have no experience in such a big thing as filling in the volunteers, but I don't ask the teacher, so I get the wrong volunteer in a daze, and it's the stupidest way to fill in the reverse (the correct way is to fill in the order of "one key book and two books...", and I am just the opposite).

What's even more speechless is that I didn't consult my parents' opinions, so I applied for a college major with a lot of convulsions. Because the application was reversed, it also caused me to miss out on the major I loved (my ambition in high school was to become a chemist in the future, and I used to study advanced chemistry books in college by myself in high school), and I was admitted to the first medical major of my first choice (I volunteered to fill in a medical major, and the rest were chemistry-related majors). At that time, why did I fill in medicine, because I felt that medicine was very good for employment. So I began the hard road of medical endorsement......

But now that I think about it, if you don't have a particularly strong interest, you can't learn a profession, especially a rote major like medicine. But when I was in college, I didn't skip class, I didn't get late, I memorized what I should memorize, I remembered what I should remember, and my grades didn't matter how bad my grades were, and I was able to rank within the top ten of my class. But I didn't have a particularly strong interest, so I could only memorize by rote, and I couldn't integrate and use it flexibly, so I forgot everything after a long time. But even if this is the case, there is no big problem, at least there is no big problem in the exam (because the exam in college is the teacher marks the key points in advance, and then you can pass the exam by memorizing it).

But in my junior year, the surgeon teacher kindly reminded us that if these half-baked medical students don't particularly like medicine, but are just memorizing, then going to the hospital in the future will be killing people, and said that the medical practitioner exam is also difficult to pass, and it is good to pass 3-5 in a class, so if you want to change careers, you can plan to change careers as soon as possible, and it is still too late...... So after listening to the teacher's words, I fell into deep contemplation, but I didn't have much practical action to do what I wanted to do, so I hurriedly swayed to graduation......

In fact, at the beginning of college, I reached the peak of my youth, not only became a young talent in the school club (I will write lines and speeches for the club's large-scale evenings), but also attracted a lot of girls (there is no shortage of girls in medical school), and even talked about a fellow as a girlfriend, she was very good to me, so good that I couldn't afford to pay it back in my life.

I came to my house three times when I was in college, and my parents liked them very much, and they gave me enough face in front of my college roommates. But in the end, she broke up with me and married someone else, because I didn't cherish her well and didn't have much motivation after graduation, so she couldn't see the future. I will never forget the 3.5 years she spent with me, I will never forget that I was drunk, supported me, wiped my mouth with vomit, and made me sobering soup...... I can't forget to accompany me across the mountains and rivers and see most of Anhui Province...... There's so much I can't forget.

Hey, don't talk about this relationship, cherish the past in your heart! Let's talk about the experience of running from school to hospital for internship! I remember that I went to a tertiary hospital in the provincial capital for an internship in the second half of 13 years, and then ended my internship half a year later, that is, in the middle of 14 years, during which I gained a lot of ups and downs, and I really understood what the actual life of a clinician was like, when I was 20 years old.

Although it is almost 4 years away from graduation, although I quit the medical industry because of the trick of fate, I still clearly remember the special benefit given to me by my electrocardiogram teacher when I went to the provincial hospital for an internship - let me do an electrocardiogram for a beautiful girl. So I accidentally saw a lot of beautiful bunnies. I have also been to obstetrics and watched pregnant women give birth, although a little nauseous, but I still feel that life is really magical, and every mother is very great.

But I didn't go to the gynecology department during my internship, because according to the feedback from my classmates, all the people in the department who volunteered to become the disease textbooks for medical students were women in their forties and fifties......

But fate will always play tricks on people, I didn't go to the gynecology department during my internship, and I was recruited by the obstetrics and gynecology department of a township hospital in our province after graduation...... This caused me to change careers.

Why did you change careers? Because I was only a little over 20 years old when I went to a township hospital in the province at that time, I didn't know which department to go to this hospital at that time, so I only told me which department was short of people and where I went, so I went to the gynecology department of fate.

To be honest, my grades during my internship were quite good, and the teachers in various departments evaluated me quite well. But after graduation, I was hit after entering the gynecology department of the township hospital, everyone knows that there are many young pregnant women in the township (there are many pregnant women who are younger than me), even though I am studying medicine, but I am also frequently pointed at, and I am hit every day, mainly because I am young and a man. And the misfortune is that my ex-girlfriend ran away and separated from me, and I felt that my life had fallen to the bottom all of a sudden, and I was at a loss...... In fact, I changed careers, and this hospital also occupied a certain reason, less than 800 yuan for three months, and did not pay wages for several months, and then under the action of various factors, I resigned naked in a fit of anger, and this is the first naked resignation in my life (I didn't get a single point in my salary, and I lost a lot of living expenses).

The memory is still fresh, but the pain, so I was saddened and went to lick the wound alone, but this licking wound licked for almost half a year, and the injury was not completely complete, and my parents saw that I was falling every day at home, so they asked me to go out to find a job, when I was 21 years old.

However, perhaps it was really because he was not good at learning and was worried that his medical skills would delay the patient's condition, so he deliberately avoided doctors when looking for a job. However, they couldn't find a suitable job......

But even if I couldn't find a job, I didn't want to be a doctor at that time (unless I really couldn't find a job). So one day, a profession called website editor popped up on Baidu Browser, because I liked to write and draw in college, so I was a little interested in this profession. After contact, I learned that this profession was used by the Putian Department of Men's Hospital, and the work content was monotonous and repetitive, that is, to copy and paste the medical advertorials on other websites to their own websites, so that patients in need could click on the link from the Internet, and then enter the hospital website for consultation.

Actually, I couldn't bear to do this kind of work from the first day, but I didn't have any great skills, and I didn't want my parents to worry that I wouldn't make money when I was so old, so I let me survive first, and then talk about conscience and dreams.

But, even so, I was cheated. At that time, the people who came in with me got a salary of more than 4,000 yuan every month, and I was stupid, doing the most and most seriously, but it lasted for most of the year, and I only got a salary of 1,750 yuan a month. Later, I learned about unequal pay for equal work, and I also knew that I could brag more during the interview so that I could negotiate a good salary. Moreover, the salary of the Putian hospital is paid according to the treatment of the initial interview, which is as much as it is, and it will not change, nor will it be audited, until the person resigns.

But I'm cowardly, I'm too cowardly, and I don't know how to talk to the leader about the treatment, so I will only tolerate it and make a big one. In fact, there are many characteristics of Putian hospital, the treatment technology is fake, the director of the hospital takes turns to change one month, this month is you, next month is him, one person works for a month, and the monthly salary is more than 1-20,000 yuan.

In this environment, everyone knows it, but no one says it, because they have to live, how can they live without money, others look down on themselves, and they look down on themselves. So, I insisted on doing it for almost a year...... However, because of the problem of efficiency (not making money), the leaders of the hospital were changed by the group headquarters, so almost all of our former courtiers were killed, so we lost our jobs.

Then, after a while, a former colleague sent a message, saying that there was a shortage of editors, asking me if I had found a job, and asked me to go over to help, and said that it was at least 2,500 yuan a month, and I could also learn optimization by the way, Baidu bidding, so I went. But after working for almost half a year, they were all liberated as before...... So, I lost my job again. At this time, I was almost 23 years old.

Then, unemployed at home, paralyzed for several months. In fact, during that time, I was worried every day, and I thought about it a lot, only to realize that this job was similar to sales, very unstable, and I was fired at every turn, although the salary was okay.

Although I love to write something, what I don't want to write is mixed with the smell of copper, let alone a bad conscience, so I was in pain every day at that time, and my conscience was uneasy. However, at that time, I didn't have any skills to take a shot except for these fake tricks (I only had more than a year of medical experience, and the hospital didn't want it, and only accepted fresh graduates)

So at the end of 16, I went to Ningbo City alone to see the world while looking for a job, and then went to a Putian hospital here for an interview and then went to work. In fact, to be honest now, it is not easy for everyone, no matter what industry you are engaged in, it is not easy, life is not easy, let alone to support your family.

These days of working in Ningbo, I am very happy and painful, happy that I have met a lot of lovely people and seen a lot of wonderful scenery. Sadly, the leader knew that I would not be allowed to be a website editor after studying medicine, saying that this was not technical and did not make money, so he transferred me to the new media department, saying that it would make money (and I really made money later).

After contacting this department, I learned that the original new media department is the network medical trust, which is to use a group control system (commonly used by micro-businesses) to control hundreds of mobile phones with the avatar of a beautiful nurse or female doctor as a WeChat avatar, standing on the street every day, sweeping the street, attracting male compatriots with sperm worms to consult (chat), and then use special speech routines. But I don't want to fool people, so I often just chat and don't fool others. When the head of the department found out about my situation, he talked to me and brainwashed me, saying that it was better for patients to take the money to go to the hospital or something, and then I was forced by the pressure of survival, performance and personal ambitions to start not asking questions of conscience, just to save some money and escape from the earth......

Society is too dark, and my body is slowly being blackened, but my heart is still red. Perhaps, because of my conscience, I began to persuade patients to pay more attention not to stay up late, so that these problems could be improved, and I could communicate with patients to talk about the confusion of life and understand their real lives. However, what I didn't expect later was that my approach inadvertently doubled my performance, it turned out that everyone lacked love, no one to listen, and no one to solve their troubles...... But that's not a reason for me to do the evil things of human nature. (From the "Wei Zexi" incident)

So then I became the best performer, and this became my most painful and blackest stain, I became the garbage man I used to disdain, I gradually lost myself in the drunken gold maze, one day, two days and half a year...

In fact, in addition to being forced by life, the biggest reason why I have been doing the work I hate all these years is that I don't want my ex-girlfriend to look down on me, and I want to live well after breaking up, even if I pretend to live well. But...... Maybe my nature is not bad, but I gradually heard the voice of my conscience, and it said that it was sad, and it did not like me like this. So I started to feel sorry for my incompetence, and then at the beginning of '18, I talked to my supervisor to the effect that I wanted to quit and didn't want to go on like this. But the supervisor still wanted to keep me, brainwashed me, and said the old routine, but I directly answered that the patient is the patient's choice whether it is * or to see a doctor, and they want to do whatever they want... Then the director was stunned.

The supervisor felt that he couldn't wash my brain, so he asked the director (not a doctor, it's a title in the network department) to brainwash me, it's still the same old routine, but it's mixed with how to repay my parents, how to realize personal value, how to and so on, but I didn't move, and then the director stupidly asked me to resign.

So he resigned before 2018, but he has been paralyzed to this day. I really know the darkness of society, and I also understand that all living beings are suffering, and there are very few true, good, and beautiful things.

People have their own destiny trajectory, if people do not have a skill, no education, and do not like to study in their spare time, then they can only choose one in general workers, sales, waiters, insurance, express delivery, takeaways, security, and construction sites. Sometimes life is like a "ghost hitting the wall", thinking that you are going fast and far, but you can go around and around, but you go back to the original point. I thought I had achieved nothing for years, but I hadn't done anything for years. Although the plan can't keep up with the changes, the plan still has to be there, otherwise it will become more and more blind, more and more hard, and life will become more and more bitter...... (To be continued)