Reluctant, but reluctant. I wanted the best for you, but I let you down. I'm going to travel alone to find my own worth.

I know I have no place in your heart, and you are so sad for me. I never thought my love would end like this.

It's good to have met you among billions of people. I can't bear it. But I didn't want to go back. Because what if I go back before I am mature?

It's me who didn't give you face on your birthday, it's me who let you down and made you so miserable.

I know I'm disappointed that you don't like it. Although you are by my side, you say that your heart is not here.

You said that your brother was coming to your birthday party, and I checked this and that carefully, when to hand out cigarettes and when to say anything.

On your birthday, I went back to the dorm to trim the edges and smiled so sweetly because I wanted to give you face.

But I was so nervous that I didn't know what to say, so I came up with so many to disappoint you. I was drunk, and for the first time I didn't blame anyone.

I persevered to the end. I've done so much to disappoint you so much. That's not what I wanted.

I thought about it for a long time, and I didn't know if it was a sign of cowardice to travel alone, to grow, to find out what was lost.

But I couldn't convince myself. Even if I stay, I'm still the same me, or the one who will make you sad, sad and disappointed, why bother?

I never thought I would become such a headache, nor did I expect myself to become like this. Maybe I'm like that, but I'm too egoistic.

It's been so long, and I haven't found it. Maybe nothing can hold me back, I just yearn for a life without constraints.

I wanted to grow up with you, but in the face of you, in the face of your friends, in the face of any opportunity I want to play, I let you down so much.

I don't want that. When I took you to the flyover, I wondered: when will I give you my mature self?

I don't have any face to stay anymore. I'm afraid that after I turn around, it will be a lifetime. But who do I blame?

I look forward to maturity, but I'm also afraid of maturity. On the way back, I was very reluctant, but I couldn't be soft-hearted.

I'm afraid I'll disappoint you. I also don't want to see you disappointed in me. So I chose to leave. PS: Written on December 26, 2013.