I wanted to say something positive, optimistic and sunny, but because of my mental illness, I couldn't always imagine a paradise-like situation, and those seemed out of reach to me. Although I am a person who yearns for light, God has arranged such a life for me.

"You know what? The netizen you thought to yourself is already here. And he is now a patient with multiple personality disorder and a criminal mind. Surprised, huh?" "Do you know how he got in?" "Dr. Lou, have you ever tried not to smile for two years?" I interrupted Dr. Lou and moved on to something else. "A few years ago, I watched a movie about a girl who was driving her sister out for a game and had a car accident, and her sister died on the spot, but she suffered from depression because of her parents' blame, and she didn't laugh for two years. Later, he was diagnosed with Progeria by the doctor, and although he was only 28 years old, his mental age was 68 years old. I guess that netizen is the same, but the difference is that he will have the pleasure of being abusive, and that pleasure will give him a sense of accomplishment and make him feel honored. After that, I paused and said, "He thinks he has superpowers, so he uses this to rectify those he resents, and thinks that no one will ever find out, and he has accomplices, and he always thinks that everything else is under his control, including how many hairs grow on his head, how many cold hairs grow on his body, and he defecates several times a day but tries to interfere with the normal life of these people." Over time, it became a habit, the only joy of his life. ”

”......“

"Your mind is supposed to be imprisoned. And it's controlled. Do you know how that netizen of yours got in?" Dr. Lou looked at a laptop.

I smiled at him, "How did you get in?" I asked, how did he get in? I thought, and how do you know he's my netizen?

"Do you remember when you saw a news item on the Internet?" Dr. Lou then diverted the topic, "What news?" I asked, "A girl made her grandfather's ashes and noodles into pastries for her classmates to taste." "Remember? At that time, before you finished reading the text, you turned off your mobile phone Baidu in fright. Deep down in your heart you are afraid of ashes. Dr. Lou said calmly. "When did you first come across the word ashes?" Dr. Lou still looked down at the laptop on the table, and I saw that it was an Apple laptop. And it's a light gray. I looked at the sign of a bite-eaten apple that glowed white, and I gradually felt calm and pure.

"I don't remember when I first came across the word ashes, but I can remember the first time I heard the word cremation when I was a child, when for some reason most of the graves in the town were dug up by the town staff, and I could see that the exhumed bodies were very stiff (similar to zombies). Because at that time, I didn't know what new policy the people's congress had studied, saying that the dead were not allowed to be buried in the country, and could only be cremated. If the illegal burial is discovered, the fine will be fined, and if the burial is reported, the reward will be paid. But they don't have to show the video of the mayor supervising the digging of the grave on TV every day, I didn't feel very old at that time, because I had watched a lot of ghost movies before, so I panicked when I watched those videos of digging the grave. Later, I saw the kind of ashes similar to flour in TV series and movies, and I had this understanding of the ashes in my heart, and subconsciously thought that after a person died, he would become a corpse, and after the body was sent to the crematorium for cremation, it would become a pinch of flour-like ashes, which was packed in an urn with a photo of the deceased. Especially watched Zhao Benshan's sketch, there is a classic line in it is Fan Wei saying to Zhao Benshan: I don't want to know how I came, I just want to know how I didn't. Zhao Benshan said: Brother, no matter whether you live in a high-end bungalow or a luxury villa, when you sleep, it is only an area the size of a bed, and you only eat three meals a day, and in the end, this small box is your permanent home. From that time on, I thought that after cremation, there was only one box left to fill with ashes. Dr. Lou sat down in the chair in front of the table and still didn't speak.

"Later, I watched a movie called "The Female Chrysalis", and the story was very complicated, and there was a scene of an old lady's ashes being blown into the air by the wind, like a sandstorm, and choking a doctor with glasses to sneeze, and I thought that there must be a smell of ashes in the air. At that time, the ashes were still as pure as flour, only ashes. Then I watched a movie called "Men Are Clothes." , There is also a scene related to ashes in the movie, this time it was an old man's filial son and grandson who invited a temporary life actor to cry and mourn, but when this temporary life actor cried and mourned, in order to show grief and sadness, he actually poured the old man's ashes out of the urn, I saw that the old man's ashes were like dry soil with a small skula head in a rural field, and it came out of the urn with a bang, and then the actor continued to dump, and suddenly a skull with hair fell to the ground, and then there was a bone stick. In order to show the deep grief over the death of the old man, this actor actually held the old man's bone stick with both hands and rubbed his face over and over again, accompanied by howling and broken thoughts: Grandpa, old lady, why did you leave so early, why did your old man leave your grandson so ruthlessly...... Seeing this, I had a new view of the ashes, and I thought to myself, what about the bones and skulls that still contained these bones in the ashes? Does it mean that these two things are difficult to burn to ashes? Or is it because there are so many corpses in the crematorium, and each corpse is only cremated a little and then packed into boxes and cans? But if it is cremated, why is the hair still intact? Even if the hair is burned by ordinary fire, the hair will quickly burn and then turn to ashes, what is the reason for this? Later, when my grandfather died, and I was sent to the crematorium to be buried, my brother told me about the whole process (although I didn't want to hear it and was a little curious, in fact, the reason why I listened to this was purely to comfort him, because his expression at that time was obviously frightened, because I looked at his facial features wrinkled together, and his eyes revealed that he saw an incredible sense of horror. I've heard that the feeling of pain is half less if you say it, and I think the feeling of fear is also a kind of pain, so I think it will be half less when you say it. He said, "Have you seen the way our grandfather died?" No, I said, he said fortunately, you didn't see it, I looked at his expression and said you saw it? He wrinkled slightly and said, "Look, did you see the towel on our grandfather's face?" I was a little scared when I looked at it, I was afraid to see his face, but I had to look at it, and when the towel on his face was removed, I saw that his face was earthy yellow, and then it turned purple after a while, and then it became like a dead gray face, and finally it changed to almost black, and it was very scary, and I imagined that my grandfather's face was originally fattened due to his love of meat or the swelling caused by lack of exercise, so I can imagine what it would look like after death. This is not the most scary, my brother said, the most frightening thing is the burial, didn't there was a coffin hole when the burial was dug? Well, I nodded softly. I asked, and then said that it must have been the early years when the town staff leveled the grave but it was not dug up because it was buried deeply, well, maybe, my brother said. Those who look at feng shui say that this is a good thing and a good omen, so they bury the coffin on this coffin, which is the coffin on the coffin, which means that future generations can be great officials, officials and officials. Well, I nodded softly again. And then they put the coffin on the coffin, and they opened the urn of our grandfather, and I saw that they took out our grandfather's skull and put it in the coffin, and the hair could still be seen on the skull. Then there is our grandfather's leg bones, which are thigh bones and calf bones put into the coffin one by one, which is very scary, as well as our grandfather's foot bones, and finally the nails, which are still the nails cut off from our grandfather's body before cremation. said that he was afraid that our grandfather would not be able to live after his death, so he cut it off from him after he died. I asked, why didn't the bones turn to ashes? I just got my grandfather's body out of the coffin and put it in the furnace, and after a rough run, it was quickly out. Oh, I said, that's why it didn't burn out. He nodded, yes, there are a lot of people lined up to be cremated, so it's good to be cremated to this point, it's okay. As I spoke, I remembered the first time I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and a voice in my heart said to me, "Have you ever tasted ashes?" I replied, "Then you can taste the ashes." "Where are you going to taste it?" I asked, "......" the voice didn't speak again. Then I saw that the air had turned into a combination of blood-red gas and ashes. Suddenly, I saw a huge fire pit, and many defeated Japanese soldiers were punished for jumping into the fire pit after taking off only a pair of white underwear, and then instantly turned into ashes, and these ashes rose into the air of reality, and blood-colored gas. Flowing in the air, almost surging. Then, I vaguely felt the sadness of those defeated soldiers, they seemed to be particularly sad, and that sad emotion turned into a wisp of resentment and flowed into time to be silently sad. A movie line appeared in the subconscious: We were loyal to the Japanese Empire, obeyed the orders of the Imperial Army to attack China, and became prisoners of the Communist Party after defeat, but the Communist Party did not kill us and released us back to Japan, but the Imperial Army wanted to kill us and let us jump into the fire. The Communist Party is so merciful, but the Imperial Army is so cruel, I don't want to die yet, I miss my parents, my home...... Then he stood by the fire pit crying, hesitantly not daring to jump down, and then he reluctantly jumped down with tears in his eyes. I can't remember what the name of this movie is, I only remember that when I was in junior high school, the school organized a movie to promote red memory, and one of them is "Hands Up", the reason why the name of the movie is so easy to remember is entirely because there is a line in the movie that is "Raise your hands, raise your hands, raise your hands", which appears at the end of the movie. So it's impressive. Later, for some reason, I felt very thirsty, and as soon as I drank the water, I felt like there were ashes in the water, and I felt like I had tasted the ashes. Then my mom asked me, "Why don't you drink it?" and then I asked her, "Have you ever drunk tea made from ashes?" and she showed a look of fear, and I said to myself, "I feel like it's tea made from ashes." ”