Weather on 15 August 2000: Rain

Today is my 14th birthday. Time flies, and even though many people see me, they still treat me like a child. But, believe me, I've experienced nothing less in the past fourteen years than those who look like adults. At least, that's what I think.

The summer is really rainy, and it's still very rainy. I sat on the bed with a notebook and pen in my hand, and I didn't need to turn on the light. Because, every now and then, a lightning bolt would pierce the room. I was able to continue to write by the light of lightning that only I knew. Well, I'll admit, I'm not very fond of light. Especially the light of this room. With the lights on, all I could see was the moldy walls, the cracked windows, and the door that was terrifying and disgusting. No, that's not a door at all. A man, or a normal woman, with a little force on his foot, can kick it away with one kick, cleanly. So, I prefer the dark and like to hide myself in the dark. I really don't understand why so many people are afraid of the dark, maybe they spend too much time in the light. And I, for a long time, have long forgotten what the light looks like.

A thunderbolt blew in the rain again, and my body shook unconsciously, thinking that the devil had returned. Now, let me clean up my mind and start writing today's diary again, which will be regarded as a commemoration of my 14th birthday. It's strange that I suddenly can't think of what to write about, so I should remember those happy days and people in the past. As a child, well, I wasn't afraid of light back then. At that time, my favorite thing to do was to play with my sister. Even though we're all girls, we all like the things that boys like to play. Running in the mud on a rainy day, grabbing marbles with boys, and playing tricks on other companions are all things we often do. Every time I came home, my parents would scold us harshly when they saw my sister and I playing in the mud, and then help us clean up. By the time my mother had cleaned up for us, my father had already made dinner. The conditions at home are not very good, and sweet and sour pork ribs are a rarity. But every time my father made pork ribs, my sister and I could smell the sweet and sour smell from afar. My father is a native of Wuxi, and he loves to put sugar in cooking, so unless there is a little sweetness in the dish, I will not find it delicious. It's just that later, my father's cooking gradually decreased, and my mother's "work" seemed to be busier. My sister and I don't know why, and when we encounter meals, we always heat up the overnight meal to deal with it. Thankfully, my sister and I have a good relationship, and even an overnight meal can make us eat deliciously.

After a year or two, my sister was taken by my father to take the entrance exam for an elementary school, and I stayed at home with my mother. It was a rare day off for mothers. At that time, I saw my mother standing in front of the mirror for a long time, fiddling with her hair, painting her face, and finally picking up a small bottle and spraying her clothes a few times. I'm pretty sure I don't like the taste. Now, I know that my mother was wearing makeup and trying to make herself look as beautiful as possible. Later, my mother even wanted to take me out to play. I'm certainly happy, and then ......

I adjusted my state and tried my best to restrain myself from suicidal thoughts before I could continue to remember the good things of the past years. My mother and I went to a park and waited for a few minutes when a man waved to my mother not far away. Mother smiled, and I swear I hadn't seen her smile so brightly in a long time. The man came over, and my mother asked me to call him Uncle Zheng, and I called out in response. To be honest, I didn't like this Uncle Zheng very much at first. I sneaked a look at his face, it wasn't very pleasing, and I felt fierce. Especially those eyes, I don't like the way he looks at his mother, like a hungry wolf staring at a lamb. Slowly, though, I changed my mind. Because he took me to a western restaurant that I had never been to before, and gave me some toys and clothes from time to time. Of course, all this is conditional. I must promise not to speak of them in front of my father. At the time, I stupidly agreed. But I promise, what I like is my father's pork ribs and the sweet taste of those dishes.

One day at noon, I finally didn't have to hide it from my father anymore. Because my father, who was supposed to go to work, suddenly returned home at noon. I was watching TV in the living room when I heard the sound of "Eun Eun" coming from my mother's room. When my father returned, he kicked the door of the room open. At that time, I was scared, I didn't know if I caught a glimpse of my mother and Uncle Zheng's naked embrace, or saw the expression on my father's face that wanted to eat people. Later, the memories of the father and mother in common blurred, and for the next few days there seemed to be nothing but endless bickering. Maybe people are like this, they are used to remembering good things and choosing to forget bad things. However, there are some tragic things and hateful people that can never be forgotten. In the end, the father and mother really parted ways. On that day, my mother took me away from the house where I had lived for several years. Whether it's a father or a mother, there doesn't seem to be nostalgia on their faces. But that's not the case with my sister and I. I don't know why, my sister can't follow me and my mother, or I can't stay with my father and sister. Now, I realize that my father and mother have made the fairest distribution between me and my sister. In previous years, I would often write to my sister, and she would reply from time to time. But in the last year, I haven't heard from my sister anymore. However, I only know the address of the old house. I'm going to keep writing to my sister in the hope she'll see it.

Okay, let's get back to my current life. After my mother followed Uncle Zheng, she seemed to be quite happy. Because the smile on my mother's face was noticeably more. Uncle Zheng is rich, and our mother and daughter live, eat, and dress better than before. But a happy life didn't bother us for long, and it was all a long time ago. I remember one day, about four years ago, my mother and Uncle Zheng suddenly took me out of that beautiful house and moved to where I live now. Later, I learned that Uncle Zheng was bankrupt. Then, the nightmare of everything started from scratch......

I had to readjust my emotions again, or I would be at a loss if I got excited and did something to hurt myself. At the very least, I'll have to record the beast's actions as evidence of his future crimes. Okay, I'll have to move on. After Uncle Zheng went bankrupt, my mother was forced to go out to work, and I almost couldn't see her when I got up early and stayed late. And that man, who used to be Uncle Zheng in my mouth, became a jobless vagrant, and a jobless vagrant who loved to beat his wife and drank heavily. I sympathized with my mother, every time I saw her being beaten. I also hated her, hated that she had ruined my quiet life with her own hands, and hated that she had been separated from my sister. I watched the two of them fight every day in this love-hate situation, and then even I became numb. It wasn't until the day before yesterday that I found out what a real nightmare was.

My mother went to work, and I was left alone in the house. I picked up the glass on the table and took a sip of water, it was cold. I didn't turn on the lights, just like I do now, watching the rain out the window and listening to the sound of the rain hitting the broken windows. It was such a coincidence that there was a loud thunderclap and the light in my room suddenly came on. I turned my head and realized that it was not a coincidence, but that he was standing at the door and turned on the light in my room. I still called Uncle Zheng as before. The smell of alcohol on his body was very strong, and he could smell it from afar. I don't know what I said wrong, it seems like it's a matter of title, but he suddenly got angry anyway. He rushed to my side, raised his hand and slapped me, still muttering words that I was an immature wolf cub. I didn't cry, I didn't resist, I just lay down on the bed, motionless. He...... He pulled me out of bed and raised my hand in the air again. I could only tilt my head slightly and close my eyes. I counted the time silently in my heart, one second, two seconds, but I never felt the hot pain on my face. I wondered if my face had been numbed by the beating. Later, I had the audacity to open my eyes and take a look at his hand. The hand was already down and didn't twitch in my face. I glanced at him and I knew what it meant to be afraid. His eyes had changed, and they were no longer the eyes that his uncle should have. I seem to have seen such a look at a certain time. I remembered that it was a long time ago, when he looked at his mother's eyes. A very bad thought suddenly crossed my mind, but I reassured myself that it was impossible. The scary thing is that it all happened anyway. He kept asking me to repay him, and I could only resist and cry. I really hate, my strength is so small, I can't stop him at all. Finally, he got annoyed again and slapped me in the face again. This time he was pumping with all his strength, and I could feel the blood running from the corners of my mouth. His hand reached for me anyway, slowly ripping off my clothes and touching my body...... Later, I was so strong that I couldn't resist and was tired of crying, so I thought I was a living corpse and let him play with it. If there is only one feeling I have, it is only the humiliation in my heart except the pain. I want to die, really. His wheezing stopped, and I caught a glimpse of the pencil sharpener at hand. I saw my chance, and I found the only way to restore my dignity. But he reacted so quickly that I could only stab him in the face.

Afterward? Nothing came later. My mother? Naturally, he would have found out, but I don't know what he said to my mother, and in any case my mother didn't take any further steps. Luckily, I'm still alive. I still have the strength to take revenge.