A lot of the time

I'm just aimless

Walk on the trails that are deserted after autumn

Sunset and blue sky

Let the sadness be like a vine

Spread on the wall of longing

And I'm like a poet

wander

Actually, all of it

It's all a cover-up

I love you

Inferiority

——Zhang Mian, "Low Self-esteem"

Yue Bao became famous after the first monthly exam, first in the class and third in the grade group. At the same time, Su Dong and Gazi are also memorable, both of them are the first in the class in mathematics and foreign languages.

The sudden rise of Su Dong and Gazi made Zhang Mian happy and a little disappointed at the same time. Over the years, in addition to successfully publishing a poem and entering the finals of the Primary School Olympiad, Zhang Mian really has nothing to come up with.

Of course, Zhang Mian's eldest sister privately told her little friend that she had a handsome younger brother, and this matter didn't count.

Zhang Mian thinks of Xiaoshan or Sketch to sit down, listening to them talk and listen to the song may be in a better mood, but think about it, forget it, nothing can change reality.

On the night of the grades, Zhang Mian lay on the boat for a long time and couldn't sleep, this scene was very similar to the sleepless nights he had in Gaojiacun Middle School, except that the person sleeping next to him changed from Hu Dong to Su Dong.

The change of time and place inadvertently makes people grow and helpless at the same time.

When Zhang Mian is homesick or misses the swallow and can't suppress it, he can ride the Phoenix brand bicycle from Gaojiacun Middle School all the way to the east, through a bumpy dirt road, through the familiar scenery back home or to Zhangjiacun Middle School, to see busy parents and getting old grandmothers, and of course to see the swallows that are longing for the twilight.

That night, Zhang Mian and Su Dong were still a little hot in the rented room in Fengcheng, the only window was closed, the stinky mouth mosquitoes in the ancient city village were too powerful, Su Dong and Zhang Mian lived on the first day, in order to cool off the window, the next day the two of them were bitten by mosquitoes like measles, which frightened each other, and a large bottle of toilet water was not enough.

Before going to bed, Su Dong glanced at Zhang Mian with a smile, and turned on the fan with permission.

This floor fan is a Yangtze brand, Zhang Mian's father bought it when Zhang Mian was still in elementary school, that summer was particularly hot, the two hens that laid eggs in the family were hot to death in the chicken nest, leaving two eggs that no one cared for.

Zhang Mian's two sisters stuck out their tongues and said that they could bear it, but Zhang Mian's face was pale by the heat, and her whole body was sweating, and drinking a few teapots of newly dug well water could not stop the constant sweating.

For a few days, Zhang Mian's hot were a little prostration, his head drooped like a wilted cucumber, Zhang Mian's father bought this fan from the only electrical appliance store in the village, the night the fan was bought, the fan was three electricity, there were three claws on the latch, all the plugs in the house were two holes, bought but could not be powered, the father took a great risk to flatten the top claw of the fan latch, and the wind poured out from the crazy spinning fan.

Zhang Mian excitedly put his face on the fan and laughed and blew on the fan, Zhang Mian's parents were extremely relieved and satisfied next to him, and their eyes were full of love.

In the following years, due to the popularity of ceiling fans, this bulky fan was gradually forgotten by the family in a corner of the room.

When his father carried the fan weighing about 20 pounds to the house rented by Zhang Mian and Su Dong, he was already tired and sweating, and his omnipotent father would sweat so much and be out of breath.

On the night when the fan moved to Fengcheng, when the wind poured out of the fan again, Zhang Mu couldn't help but put his face in front of the fan and blew into the fan, just like a few years ago.

The fan made a buzzing sound, I don't know if it was because of the lack of engine oil for a long time, or because Zhang Mian was not in a very good mood, Zhang Mian felt a little irritable.

The moonlight outside the window is like water, and Zhang Mian's many sleepless nights are related to the moonlit night, maybe he just remembered the moonlit night when he had insomnia.

Yanzi's face is like a half-round bright moon, when Zhang Mian feels desperate or glorious, he naturally thinks of Yanzi, Yanzi is not only a girl he loves deeply, but she is also his spiritual sustenance at a deep level.

Yanzi walked out of Zhangjia Village and came to Fengcheng with him, whether it was a coincidence or fate, Zhang Mu didn't know. On this night, he suddenly felt as if there was an invisible hand in his fate arranging all this.

For example, in Gaojia Village, he knew Gao Xiaoya, Liu Xiaofeng, Hu Dong, and the boy named Niu Fangqiang who played basketball.

But he doesn't know the specific arrangements of the so-called hand of fate, such as the ending of his story with Swallow, such as his future.

Irritable, he wanted to get up and look at the picture of the swallow sandwiched in the book, trying to find clues about the future of him and the swallow in the photo, but his mind was drowsy and his body refused, he was like a lonely boat drifting in the sea under the moonlight, floating aimlessly, in the buzz of the fan, Zhang Mian finally fell asleep.

As the saying goes, when God closes a door for you, He opens a window for you.

Zhang Mian felt that God was a little stingy with him, the door was really closed, and the window was so small that only poetry could pass through.

In the following days, Zhang Mian went to the bookstore 100 meters away from the south gate of Fengcheng No. 1 Middle School after school to chat with the owner, if you have no concept of distance.

That is, from the south gate out of the way through the "fan restaurant", and then through the "glasses supermarket", and then walk south about sixty steps, to the door of the bookstore, the name of the bookstore is called "bookstore", obviously, you guessed it, the boss is not very romantic, he is a registered poet of the Fengcheng Writers Association.

It is completely conceivable that the business of a poet boss opening a bookstore will be worse, and compared with the business of Boss Du's bookstore and the "examination bookstore" diagonally opposite, it is no exaggeration to say that the business of the "bookstore" is only one "bookstore".

Opened a bookstore close to the school, does not sell exam materials, but the "bookstore" of the thirties boss Du willfully sells literary books, after Zhang Mian bought a copy of "Selected Campus Poetry", Boss Du sitting at the counter took the initiative to pull a chair and talk about poetry with Zhang Mian, Tolstoy, Pushkin, Tagore, Xu Zhimo, Gu Cheng, Haizi......

Boss Du's saliva rolled up and down in the sun, and on the evening when the saliva was flying, Zhang Mian found a New Year's friend in Fengcheng.

As a result, the seeds of poetry that had been planted in Zhang Mian's heart for a long time finally germinated in a suitable place, after meeting Boss Du.

At that time, Boss Du had published more than 100 poems in major newspapers and magazines, and he did not despise Zhang Mian, who had only published one poem, after getting acquainted, he showed his published poems to Zhang Mian, and after Zhang Mian read a poem, he didn't want to read it, Boss Du is a romantic poet, and the things he wrote are basically imaginary, blown to the sky and fell to the ground, Zhang Mian urinated after reading three poems.

It's not just that literati are light, but the most important thing is that Zhang Mian doesn't like the style of Boss Du's poetry, Zhang Mian likes some real and sad poems, such poetry is like a sharp blade, which can be directly inserted into the depths of Zhang Mian's soul, and he feels incomparable pleasure in his trembling.

In the days of dating Boss Du, Zhang Mian patiently read more than a dozen poems of Boss Du before and after, or looked at the face of Boss Du who bought books at a discount, Zhang Mian still remembers a poem of Boss Du, which can be regarded as a kind of respect for Boss Du. He writes:

The past is under the crooked neck tree at the head of the village, swinging.

Of course, Zhang Mian felt that it was a pleasant thing to chat with Boss Du and talk about poetry, he sold books and read books, and still had a very thick literary background, and could often express his own views and theories, Zhang Mian learned a lot from him in this regard, such as the methods and skills of writing poetry.

It's just that when talking to Boss Du, Zhang Mian won't sit across from him, his saliva is too far away like a catalyst.

In the following days, Zhang Mian indulged in his own poetry world, reading poems and writing poems, sometimes in order to write a satisfactory poem, he often thought about it all morning, and the final result was frustration and failure.

Zhang Mian often tells others that as long as the story begins, it will end automatically. For a long time after Zhang Mian published a poem, he did not write a poem that he was satisfied with, let alone to the satisfaction of the editor, which completely deviated from the principle that he thought was right.

This feeling of being able to get but not being able to do it became more and more intense and uneasy when Zhang Mian met a girl many years later.

Some people may still remember that on the campus of Fengcheng No. 1 Middle School, there was a teenager with heavy hair, sometimes bowing his head and saying nothing, sometimes looking at the field.

His name is Zhang Xuan.

A sad poet.