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Chen Ran

Director Zhao died, Xiaojuan lost both legs, this is what I and Xiaojuan agreed to divorce less than ten days ago, and Yue'er and I were separated for only three days, presented in front of my eyes, cold, desperate, reality.

When Xiaojuan learned of Director Zhao's death, her whole body was still wrapped in thick bandages, like a lifeless mummy, and her eyeballs only occasionally turned to indicate that the gauze wrapped in fresh life was a living life, although the body and mind were already scarred and incomplete.

I have never seen such a little juan, her dry and godless eyes instantly surged like a tide, and soon wet the gauze on her face, blooming a gray wound flower, her chest rose and fell sharply, and her throat emitted an inaudible low whimper, but her whole body could not move, just lying so straight and straight, like a dying and struggling body kept trembling, but she was confined in this narrow square, and could not find a place to exert force, so she could only moan muffled in defeat; Her body squirmed in pain, and she landed on the hospital bed with no more than a slight creak; After a long time, the whimpering that had been churning in her throat for a long time finally broke through the silence of the hospital room and turned into a heart-rending wail, which echoed between her green neck, between her arms, and between her fingers. Her arms were holding the bed as hard as she could, her eyes were like bells, and her bloodshot pupils were out of focus and scattered, leaving only despair and dead silence.

And so my tears fell.

At this moment, I stood in front of the hospital bed, holding Xiaojuan's body tightly from being overcome by excitement, so that the wound on her leg would not be aggravated by it, and I could not say a word in the face of her grief-stricken cries and tears of sadness. She has experienced too much life and death this year, each time it is more desperate and discouraged, who can face and bear the person she loves is still softly talking to herself one second, but the next second is already separated by yin and yang, and in this second of switching, your lover exchanged your life for your life. In the face of the sudden disaster, he left the last bit of hope for life to you, and who knows that you are more desperate than dead?

This is all Xiao Juan's current inextricable sorrow and death, just like a soul bound by thousands of wefts, forever able to wander between the chaos of the Three Realms, but unable to reincarnate and transcend for the rest of her life. This shackle is deeply rooted in mourning and hopelessness, allowing the physical whipping and mental torture to follow you throughout your lifetime, and to make the rest of the day prohibitive.

And I, like the dust brought up by the long whip of fate, thought that I had come to the air and turned into a beautiful rainbow, but after all, I could not escape the mercy of the shackles of the material, no matter how I fluttered and tossed, I could not avoid the fate of falling to the ground again.

I feel powerless and sad like never before, for Xiaojuan, for Director Zhao, for myself......

Xiaojuan's mutilated lower limbs, the painful pathos, the pungent potions in the ward, the endless falling liquids, the giant who reminds me of time all the time has brought me to a strange but extremely real world, this world, which was originally thousands of miles away from me, accelerated in an instant, rushed straight towards me, turned everything I originally had upside down, and then indiscriminately contained me like a black hole, not allowing me to doubt my beak, not allowing me to protest and struggle, it is like an indifferent and arrogant creator who looks down on people like dust, Looking down at me coldly from the sky, watching me like a clown who wants to live and die clearly, but he doesn't want to ignore me at all, I finally understand that it cares about my complaints and accusations, and it cares about my hot and cold life, as long as I am incomplete, I am willing to bow down to it, let me know its name, which is impermanence.

It's just that in this world called impermanence, there is no Yue'er.

The sky quietly revealed heavy ash, silently devouring the dark sky, and it was another long sleepless night. It's been 24 hours since I returned to City C, but I haven't called Yue'er at the first time like never before, even yet

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Not a single message was sent. The cold and unimaginable changes came to my face, leaving me at a loss in the midst of great sorrow and mourning. I know that Yue'er is extremely worried about my safety, and I also know that the communication blocked by the epicenter has made her worry about how she has been living in fear for the past few days, I have promised her to return safely, and I have promised to make her my bride after returning, and now, I have finally returned to City C unharmed, back to the mountains and rivers where we used to share joy and tenderness with laughter and tears, but suddenly I have no courage to speak, even if it is a simple message of peace, it makes me feel that I can't speak.

Is it safe? Oh, who is safe? Director Zhao died, Xiaojuan amputated her legs, tens of thousands of people were buried by loess, and hundreds of thousands of people were scarred.

Calm and peaceful, peaceful and peaceful, peaceful, peaceful, that is a dream that is getting farther and farther away from me......

From now on, I will face a titular wife who is physically disabled, a breakup agreement that I don't know if I can sign in the future, a promise that I haven't fulfilled and I don't know if I can fulfill it, and even a goddaughter who is suddenly inextricably linked...... This consciousness grieved me, and for the first time in my life, I was helpless, curled up like a child, slowly sliding down the gray wall of the hospital room, and falling to the ground, without the courage, confidence, and hope that I had always been proud of.

Yes, there is no hope, not even the slightest way out and direction. I racked my brains and tried my best to find a little fire, even a little glimmer of light, at least it gave me a breath of life, and finally found that in the craggy reality, I was still desperate and defeated.

These three days were the longest, most helpless and powerless three days of my 36-year career, and I only knew that an earthquake of two minutes and 120 seconds turned the sun, moon, mountains and rivers upside down, destroyed my homeland, and changed my life.

I don't know what I can do in the face of it, or I don't know how much choice fate can give me, I just know that Xiaojuan, who has lost her legs, has become a problem to take care of herself, and I, as his current husband, have a legal or moral obligation to take care of her; The death of Director Zhao has made Tingting a family member who has become a virtual orphan, and the love between Xiaojuan and Director Zhao and the fact that Tingting is our goddaughter make it impossible for us to leave her alone at this moment of grief; However, if these two propositions are about to be established in my life, then how can my Yue'er, my beloved Yue'er, be included in all the stems and answers to these propositions?

I suddenly found to my sorrow that no matter how I arranged and combined and broke down and summarized every possibility, in the end, there was no solution.

It's a result that makes people desperate to the bone.

For the first time, this kind of despair made me escape from my own consciousness and made me reluctant to think about the flow of people in this world, and there was a deep powerlessness that made me move like a wandering soul mechanically in this small square space, facing a partner who was about to divorce, each grieving, each withering.

I watched Xiaojuan's days in the hospital, from early morning to dusk, from sunrise to moonset, I have seen heavy rain, clear skies, gentle summer winds, and Yinhan, but I have never been able to see Yue'er's face clearly, and I can't see my future.

Several times, I took out my mobile phone and wanted to call Yue'er, even if it was a text message, at least so that she would no longer worry about me and worry about me. But when I pressed her name and typed down what I wanted to say, I hesitated again. I don't know how to deal with her concern and inquiry, she will definitely ask me how Xiaojuan is, and I, how I should answer, I don't know

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I do not know......

Sometimes I even think that it is better for Yue'er to think that I am dead, to die in this unpredictable natural disaster, to die in the vagaries of this world, than to face her heartache and despair, and to be so unspeakable and unrelieved of the extreme cold.

But how is that possible? If that happens, I will not only be selfish and cowardly, but also hurt and betrayed Yue'er, and blasphemed her love, and I will never be able to forgive myself.

But the most ironic thing is that even if it is not so hurtful and betrayal, the final result is still hurt, betrayal, and blasphemy, and I will never be able to forgive myself.

Even so, I still ask myself day after day, is there a way, is there a way, is there a way for me to do both, I Chen Ran has always been the best at balancing the art, why did Jiang Lang do it this time? Why would God give such a problem to my life, at such a moment, this is not a test, it is not a test, this is a strangulation, it is a calamity, and it is a calamity that cannot be overcome......

So, you see, fortune never really favored me.

Xiaojuan's mother and my parents rushed over overnight after we returned to C City, when I saw Xiaojuan's miserable white body wrapped in gauze and her body suddenly shortened, my mother-in-law fainted instantly, and slowly woke up after several treatments and comforts, and the first thing she said when she opened her eyes was to hold my hand, crying out sadly, "Chen Ran, Chen Ran, even if my wife is selfish, even if I beg you as a mother, Xiaojuan, Xiaojuan She is like this now, you, you, you must not leave her alone......"

In the face of such a scene, what can I say, I can't say anything, I can't do anything, I just let Xiaojuan's mother hold my hand, nodding her head blankly and mechanically, even I don't know, I nodded because I agreed to her plea, or did I bow my head to the fiddling of fate......

When Guo Kai came to see Xiaojuan, it was raining, and most of the weather after the earthquake was cloudy and rainy, with a rather solemn and bleak atmosphere, as if the heavens were crying, praying and lamenting for the living beings. But at this time, I don't believe that God has such a good life, otherwise why would there be a disaster to ruin people's families, and then shed a few crocodile tears, can this be regarded as God has eyes?

At this moment, Guo Kai and I are lying on the window edge of the hospital corridor, looking out the window at a few water lilies in full bloom in the lotus pond, the purple petals are like a beauty's eyebrows and eyes, and the lotus leaves are as green as the backdrop, and a few koi fish swim leisurely down the lotus leaves, swaying freely and casually like a skirt and fishtail, making it impossible to imagine that this is a corner of the city for the rest of the world, like every day in the past and in the future, quiet and serene.

The corners of my eyes suddenly became hot, and I hurriedly wiped my face to cover it, rubbed my hands and wanted to smoke a cigarette, remembering that I had to give up in the hospital, but I saw Guo Kai staring at the fish that came and went freely, and sighed faintly, "Life in the world is not as good as a fish!" After a long silence, he coughed lightly, "What are you going to do now?"

I understood what he meant, life is in the world, impermanence follows, after all, it is to seek a freedom but can't get it, I can't help but smile sadly, "What can I plan, Xiaojuan is like this, it is impossible to ignore her, right?" ”

"I mean Li Yue'er's side," Guo Kai turned his head and stared at me, "what about her?" ”

I sighed and looked at the sky, "I don't know" There was warm water on my eyelashes, I licked my chapped lips, but I tasted endless bitterness, "If it weren't for this earthquake, I would have divorced Xiaojuan by now, and as a result, who would have thought that it would be such a result......" I looked at everything in front of me blankly, and kept shaking my head,

"You ask me what to do, I've asked myself thousands of times in the past few days, but until now, the answer is still, I don't know, I really don't know ......"

(End of chapter)