Chen Ran

After dealing with my father's funeral, Xiaojuan and I rested for a few days in N City. On the one hand, because of the hard work for many days in a row, coupled with the sadness, the body is inevitably a little unbearable; On the other hand, now this home, how to arrange it next, all aspects, need to be carefully considered. Director Zhao is right, Xiaojuan's mother is very old at the moment, and three people and three places are not a matter after all. Xiaojuan and I are difficult to change in the short term, thinking that my parents are also in H City now, it is better to take Xiaojuan's mother together, so that we can take care of each other, and I can feel more at ease when I work outside.

Xiaojuan's mother naturally has no objections, she is a person who does not have much opinion, but now that her wife is gone, her daughter and son-in-law have become the backbone. And when she went, H City was also a place for a family to settle down, and the one-bedroom and one-hall exchange room arranged by the previous unit must not be able to accommodate these many people, so Xiaojuan and I added a three-bedroom and two-hall house in the same community. As for the house where Xiaojuan's parents used to live in N City, in order to prevent her mother from being sad and sad when she saw things, she sold it with her consent. After this toss, it has been almost a month since I returned to H City.

During this period, Xiaojuan did not discuss with me the question of my whereabouts and stays, perhaps because her father's sudden death made her a little disheartened, and she didn't have time to take a break from her grief to think about other things; Or maybe the last exchange at the Ikkong Temple made her already disappointed in me even worse, she has never been a person who can not be wronged, and she also has her own persistence and dignity, let alone ask for mercy and charity from others again and again. So, when things go back to normal, we seem to be back to being relatively speechless. And I, in the face of the current situation, can not express more care and consideration to her, as Xiaojuan said, this home, for me, gradually become a form and obligation, I will not be stingy to provide it with a rich and comfortable material foundation, in the face of natural disasters and man-made disasters, I will also be obligated to shoulder all the responsibilities and burdens, but, my love, my pure feelings for a person, for Xiaojuan, there is really no more.

I don't know how to look at it from a secular or moral point of view, but it's just an emotional matter that is beyond my control. Even if there are so many shackles and constraints of thoughts, public opinion, and rules, love is love, and not love is not love, and no one knows better than themselves. And these so-called shackles and shackles can only determine the way it exists, not whether it should exist or not.

All, Xiaojuan has her arrogance, I also have my uncompromising ability, the end is that the two continue to tacitly go against each other, she seeks her job transfer, and I return to my Kairan Chemical.

And because the family moved to H City at this time, Xiaojuan didn't dare to take the job transfer lightly, and life returned to the same busy life, cigarettes and alcohol, in Xiaojuan's world, are still the same as ever. And I, I have said everything that should be said, she is still doing her own thing, what can I do?

Shaking his head, a wry smile appeared on the corner of his mouth, looking at the wall clock on the wall, it was 11 o'clock in the evening, and Xiaojuan had not returned home yet. Since the new house has not yet been renovated, my mother lives with us temporarily. During this time, she and Xiaojuan slept in the bedroom, and I squeezed the sofa alone. Mother's mood is not very stable, it just so happens that Xiaojuan can be accompanied and taken care of, as for me, although it is very uncomfortable to be a one-meter-eight figure nestled in a short sofa, how can I be so squeamish as a man, not to mention that now that everything is settled, it won't be long before I should return to City C.

The apartment is on the third floor, the floor is low, and because the house is not big, the natural light and air are not very good. By this time my mother had fallen asleep, and the room was a little stuffy, so I went to the balcony with my slippers. In the early summer, the community is full of gardenia jasmine, just like in full swing to bloom prosperously, a handful of piles full of branches, like a green green in the white snow, the breeze blows, sending bursts of fragrant flowers, sweet and elegant incense converge together, smell it makes people feel refreshed, and the recent boredom seems to be swept away. The night sky is inky like washing, a full moon is like a jade plate hanging high, and the faint streamer is like mercury leaking to the ground, illuminating the grass and trees in the community, and the fragrant flowers of the trees and trees seem to be wrapped in a layer of moon-white light veil, only the quiet and peaceful are gently rippling, which makes people intoxicated.

I looked at the full moon in front of me, and suddenly missed Yue'er very much, what is she doing at the moment? Sleeped? It's been more than a month since I left, but 30 days seems like a long life. I really wanted to call her and listen to her voice, but looking at the time, I had to shake my head helplessly, anyway, I'll go back in a few days, and I'll call her when the time is set.

I was about to turn around and go back to my room when suddenly a beam of light hit me and blinded me from opening my eyes. I couldn't help but block it with my hand, I looked at it, and saw a jeep off-road parked downstairs from far and near, the car, it seemed a little familiar, I searched in my memory for a long time, and suddenly recalled the night when I entertained Director Zhao, and when I said goodbye, I saw him and Tingting on the same car.

My heart moved, and I couldn't help but stop. Through the light, I could clearly see Director Zhao and Xiaojuan, sitting side by side in the carriage, one left and one right, as if they had just finished saying something, and both of them were a little silent for a while. I saw Director Zhao on the steering wheel with one hand and a cigarette in the other, taking two puffs hard, but throwing away the cigarette butt as if he was a little irritable. Xiaojuan lowered her head slightly, her face loomed in her shoulder-length wavy hair, but her expression was not very clear; Then he raised his eyes to look at the side, as if to say something, Director Zhao turned his head to stare at her, but he didn't say a word, for some reason, even if he didn't see it really, I could still feel the trace of sadness in their eyes. After a long time, Xiaojuan sat up straight, picked up the bag next to her and put it down, as if to say goodbye, but a little reluctant, the hand on the car door seemed to be unbearable to open, only fixed on the door handle and did not move.

The jeep did not turn off, the dazzling headlights gradually lost their sharpness in the heavy night, accompanied by the deep and low sound of the engine, converged into two pieces of beautiful light, slowly fainted, illuminating every grass and tree next to it seemed to be dyed with a faint brilliance, swaying with an ambiguous atmosphere; There is a light mist spreading, and the fluttering and ethereal fragrance of flowers is wrapped in layers and layers, like soft waves, gently spreading over the shrubs of different heights in the distance, gradually submerging the hard body lines in front of you...... This kind of night, such a forbearance and outburst of wanting to leave and wanting to say goodbye, no one can resist it, so when I saw Director Zhao suddenly pull Xiaojuan and hug her into his arms, I found that I was not too surprised, or rather, in the eyes of the world, angry.

I don't know how to express my feelings at this time, maybe I didn't dislike Director Zhao in the previous contacts, or even had some sympathy for the same disease; may have been aware of his concern and pity for Xiaojuan in those exchanges that only said a few words and every move; Or is it because of Yue'er, she feels that she also lacks a position to point out the situation in front of her at this time...... I only know that this kind of relationship is really hard, making people laugh while licking their wounds, hiding and hiding, as if they are separated and surviving in two worlds, what does it feel like? - Knocking out teeth and swallowing blood, that's how suffering words are tortured.

Sometimes I really want to become another person, so selfish and cruel regardless of it, without scruples, just seeking greed for a while, moral responsibility, right and wrong, all to hell with it, no matter what tomorrow and the future, where there is wine today and drunk today, I am me, what is the world's vision, what is the shackles of marriage, what is the judgment of morality, who can swear to the sky that he has always been innocent, spotless, ice and jade knots without the slightest distraction?!

Have it? Who?!

When you trample yourself under your feet, what else can't you let go? "Birth, old age, sickness and death, resentment and hatred, love and parting, I can't ask for ......", the Buddha said that the eight sufferings of life, I have experienced them all, I am really a little tired, can you not talk to me about the dogma of etiquette and music, do not talk about loyalty and faithfulness again, I only want one not so hard, can't you? Yes, the Buddha said that if you can't ask for it, it is also a hardship in life.

But the question is, can I really trample myself underfoot? Can I really act so recklessly, ignoring all morality, family affection, and ethics? I know very well that I can't do it; My upbringing and experience, the family and social education I received from childhood to adulthood, have already carved an indelible imprint on my heart, and achieved all my heart and blood......

And it is precisely because I can't do it that when this kind of conflict is vividly presented in front of me, there will be so much pain and helplessness, and there will be so much struggle and entanglement. Not only me, Yue'er, but even Director Zhao and Xiaojuan, how can they be such free and easy people? If they can do it, Yue'er should be ashamed to ask me to give her a name in every possible way, Xiaojuan will not be angry about the peach blossom chopping and force Yue'er step by step, Director Zhao will take advantage of the gap in the past two years without waiting until today to suppress his feelings like this! At the end of the day, we are all souls in this impermanent world that cannot be liberated. Just like the ants in the cave, they thought that they could have their own piece of the sky by crawling out of the darkness, but they didn't think that any intentional or unintentional thing in the outside world would cause the overthrow and end of life.

Looking at Director Zhao hugging Xiaojuan tightly, the pain and satisfaction on his face, joy and sorrow were intertwined and unobstructed, I seemed to see my own shadow, the hope and despair that overcame the thorns in the thousands of ravines of reality.

Closing my eyes and sighing softly, I turned around and walked into the room.

Not long after, I heard the sound of the door opening, Xiaojuan walked in, and when she saw me sitting by herself, she couldn't help but be stunned, "Haven't you slept yet?" ”

"Hmm", I replied casually, "It's a little stuffy in the house, I can't sleep", and paused, "Come back so late today?" ”

"Oh" Xiaojuan glanced at me and said casually, "Unit entertainment." She changed her shoes, hung up her coat, leaned against the sofa next to her, closed her eyes, and gently rubbed her temples, "Mom is asleep?" ”

"Well, it's almost 12 o'clock, how can the elderly stay up all night" I looked at her, endured it, and finally spoke, "You should try to come back as soon as possible in the future, Mom is not very stable after all, and I am not familiar with life, I will return to Kairan in a few days, and the new house has not been installed, the old man stays alone all day and night, and my parents do not live together, and they don't even take care of them." ”

Hearing this, the corners of Xiao Juan's mouth moved slightly, and she pulled out a helpless wry smile, but she didn't answer, only closed her eyes and asked faintly, "When are you leaving?" ”

"Next weekend, I'll wait for the big decorations of the house to be completed, and then I'll arrange for a colleague from the consulting company to help watch it, so you won't be able to take care of it alone."

Xiaojuan opened her eyes at this time, but she didn't speak, just stared at me quietly, and said for a long time,

"Chen Ran, are you really so relieved to let me stay alone in H City?"