Chen Ran

It was ten o'clock in the evening when I got home, and after a long day of running, Xiaojuan and I were a little tired. After taking a shower, I leaned back on the bed and watched TV casually, thinking about how to talk to Xiaojuan about our parting next, and from time to time I was a little distracted. Xiaojuan had just finished washing her hair, her wet hair was dripping down the white nightgown, and when I saw this, I couldn't help but pick up the towel next to me and was about to wipe it twice for her, and suddenly remembered the night when I quarreled in C City last time, it was the same scene, and I put down my hand in the air. Xiaojuan didn't seem to notice it, so she picked up a towel and sat down in front of the dresser to blow her head while wiping it.

I sighed slightly in my heart, turned off the TV, turned my head and asked, "Xiaojuan, are you free tomorrow?" ”

"Huh?" The sound of the hair dryer was buzzing, Xiaojuan didn't seem to hear it clearly, and raised her voice, "What did you say?" ”

"I asked if you were free tomorrow, let's drive out for a walk, I have something to tell you." I said loudly.

Xiaojuan turned off the hair dryer at this time, and did not answer for a while, only silently in front of the mirror. After a long time, she turned around and stared at me for a long time, and finally spoke, "Chen Ran, why don't we go to the temple tomorrow to burn incense." ”

I couldn't help but be stunned, Xiaojuan has always been not very interested in these ghosts and gods, why did she suddenly get up to go to the temple, so she asked, "Why did you suddenly remember to burn incense?" ”

Xiao Juan frowned slightly, as if she thought about it, and suddenly smiled to herself, "Maybe too many things have happened recently, so I started to believe in my fate." Fu raised his head again, "Let's go to that Lingshui Temple, it just so happens that I have something to tell you." ”

Hearing Xiaojuan say about believing in fate, I couldn't help frowning, and I felt that the long-term separation between the two places and several conflicts finally left a knot in each other's hearts. Suddenly, I thought of what I was going to tell her tomorrow, and I felt that it was time for her to care if she went to the temple or other places, what she said was up to her.

I couldn't help but sigh heavily in my heart, and I replied, "Okay", and suddenly thought of the peach blossom chopping before, wasn't the strange old man who told the fortune teller Xiao Juan met in Lingshui Temple, and for no reason he didn't have a good impression of this temple, and after thinking about it, he said, "Why don't we go to Yikong Temple?" ”

"Ikkuji Temple?" Xiaojuan seemed a little confused, "Where is it?" I've only heard about it, and I've never been there. The temple isn't that famous, is it? ”

"That place is actually not far from H City, and it is a thousand-year-old temple, but there is no royal name like Lingshui Temple, so there are naturally a lot fewer people who go" I shook my head and sighed, "Even the place where the Bodhisattva stays must be divided into a famous and nameless place to be prosperous, people often say that this world is inside and outside the red dust, in fact, there is nothing inside and outside, it is just in the red dust." Laughing helplessly, I said to her, "It's quiet, the scenery is good, it's suitable for talking, let's go there." ”

Hearing me say that this red dust is disturbing, Xiaojuan seems to have feelings, and after being silent for a long time, she no longer insists.

Early the next morning, we drove to Ilkong Temple. In April, H City is in the rainy season, and the rain gradually increases just after Qingming. Less than half an hour after we set off, the drizzle came as scheduled. Spring rain is as expensive as oil, a hundred grains come into being, driving on the road in the suburbs at the moment, flowers along the way, catkins fly down, one by one in the mist and rain but can not see really, only colorful clusters of frost with dew, there is a pretty charm. In the fields, the seedlings are first planted, the crops are newly planted, and the large areas of greenery stretch out into the distance to connect with the sky, and the fresh earthy aroma in the air makes people feel comfortable and refreshed.

This is really not a good day to talk about parting, I can't help but sigh in my heart.

Due to the rain, the mountain road was slippery and the car drove very slowly, and it was already an hour later when I arrived at Ilkorna Temple. The temple is no different from when I came last year, the quaint temple door is covered with copper nails, the red paint on the door has long been mottled, and there are old traces of Wuyaya, and I can't see the years clearly. Only the gray cornices in the hall have been carved beams and painted pillars, telling the history and thickness of the ancient temple. The time is still early, the mountain is more and more green in the vast rain and fog, the pine waves are bursting, the bell is long, and the temple under the shade of the layer of rocks and beautiful stones is more simple and solemn.

There are few pilgrims, and it is a rainy day, and there are few people at the moment, and only a few monks sit and chant sutras. On the one hand, I pointed to Xiaojuan in the temple to regulate Fang Yuan, and on the other hand, I burned incense and knelt down with her. I saw Xiaojuan hold the three pillars of incense above her head, closed her eyes and was silent for a long time, and then knelt down in turn to salute in all directions, with a solemn and serious expression. I don't know why she is suddenly so devout about worshipping the Buddha, and she doesn't even care about the wet and dirty shoes and socks on the ground, but she feels that today's Xiaojuan has lost the sharp edges and corners of the past, and the aggressive momentum between her words is no longer there. Standing behind her at this moment and looking at her thin back, we didn't have an umbrella in the drizzle, and her head was covered with a thin layer of water vapor, which looked desolate and lonely. Somehow, I suddenly felt a little sad.

After the ceremony, Xiaojuan took a deep breath, got up and said to me, "This empty temple is really good, quiet and peaceful, making people feel calm, in the end, it is far away from the hustle and bustle, less impetuous, and more quiet Buddhism." ”

"Yes," I nodded, "I only discovered this place before I left last year, although the scale is not as large as that of the royal temples of Lingshui Temple and Huangde Temple, but the real people who worship Buddha will not take this tranquility and have no quarrel with the world." Fu turned to her and asked, "I see you were quite religious just now, what?" Is the job transfer going badly? ”

Xiao Juan smiled slightly, but she was noncommittal, looked around, and said quietly, "How can it be so easy, how many people are red-eyed, but it's nothing, after all, it's just man-made." Looking back at me, "I'm burning incense today, but I'm not just here for this." ”

"Oh?" I raised my eyebrows slightly, "By the way, didn't you say something to me yesterday, what's the matter?" ”

Xiaojuan didn't speak, just looked at me fixedly, and after a while, she suddenly smiled to herself, stretched her muscles and bones a few times against the distant mountains, but she was not in a hurry to answer, she pointed to the temple gate and said to me, "Let's donate a merit." ”

Looking up, I saw that there was still a table and chair next to the temple door, and the sign holder on the table seemed to have been replaced with a new one, but the old monk who was lying on the desk to write scriptures was still the same as in the old days, this situation and this scene were very familiar, I couldn't help but smile, "Okay, you can also draw a lot later, it is the rules here, and those who come to worship incense will give a lot." ”

"Oh? Is it? Then I'm going to check it out. Xiaojuan was interested, raised her feet and walked over.

The old monk didn't recognize me for a long time, so he only recorded the merits according to the rules, and handed the sign holder to Xiaojuan. It was the first time Xu had done such a thing, and Xiao Juan tossed and turned a few times before drawing a lottery farthest from her and handing it to the old monk.

"The ninth sign is difficult to distinguish between the fate and tribulation, the Kunshan Mountain is blocked by thousands of people, and the water of the sea is connected after all" The old monk stroked his beard, raised his eyes and glanced at Xiaojuan, thought for a while, and said, "Well, I won the lot." Dare to ask the benefactor what he wants? ”

Hearing that it was a middle sign, and seeing that the words in this sign seemed to be ominous, Xiaojuan's face couldn't help but darken, and she was silent for a long time, but finally opened her mouth, "Feelings." ”

I chuckled in my heart, glanced at Xiaojuan, and saw that her expression was not different, just waiting for the old monk to follow. I can't help but feel gloomy in my heart, it seems that there is really a god a priori in this darkness, knowing that my marriage with Xiaojuan is coming to an end, and even this signature can indicate one or two, looking at Xiaojuan's unknown appearance at this moment, I can't help but feel compassion. Alas, Chen Ran, Chen Ran, you and Xiaojuan are going to hurt her after all.

"Donor, if you talk about feelings, although this sign is ominous, it also seems to have the meaning of rebirth after a catastrophe." The old monk pointed to the sign and said to Xiaojuan, "If the donor is suffering from emotional troubles, you might as well take a step back and open the sky. Kun is southwest, and since it is a barrier, the donor should try to go to the southwest as little as possible. In addition, the poor monk couldn't say more, Amitabha Buddha "folded his hands and said a silence to Xiaojuan."

Xiaojuan looked up at me, I understood what she meant, southwest, isn't City C in the southwest, it is really a barrier, it is about to be blocked, I shook my head, and I had to smile at her.

Saying goodbye to the old monk, Xiaojuan and I walked out of the temple gate, although the rain had stopped, the fog in the mountains was endless, the forest was empty, and the birdsong was tactful, as if we were in a fairyland outside the world. Sitting in the car with Xiaojuan, I didn't start the car, took out a cigarette and lit it, I understood that what should come will come eventually, and between me and Xiaojuan, it has finally reached this moment.

Xiaojuan also seemed to be brewing something, and did not urge me to start, and we did not speak for a while. I finished the cigarette silently, Bo Dusk's vague face of forbearance and expectation loomed in front of me, I took a deep breath, and without hesitation, threw away the cigarette butt, turned around and shouted,

"Xiaojuan"

"Chen Ran"

Xiao Juan actually opened her mouth to call me at the same time, and everyone couldn't help but be stunned for a while, and after a while, I sighed lightly and said to Xiao Juan, "You say it first." "Although I don't know what Xiaojuan has to say to me, I am still willing to listen to what she has to say as husband before our relationship changes.

A husband and wife can be regarded as a little respect for her.

Xiao Juan didn't shirk this time, she lowered her head and thought about it, and said, "Chen Ran, do you think I've changed a lot now?" ”

I knew that today's conversation would definitely not be easy, so I didn't intend to avoid Xiaojuan's question, and after a little thought, I said, "So Xiaojuan, what do you think of me?" ”

As if she didn't expect me to ask her back, Xiaojuan was stunned at first, and then nodded a little dazedly, "How to say, we have been married for so many years, and you have always been very tolerant to me, no matter at home or outside, you are indeed not ambiguous at all when the man is propped up, including now, the same." After a pause, Xiao Juan continued, "But I don't know when it started, maybe it's back to Kai?" Maybe earlier? I don't know what it feels like, but I feel that you have slowly become a form and obligation to me to this family, although you have done no less than before, but I feel as if there is only a shell left, and the feeling of you and I who used to be dependent on each other is finally gone......"

Xiao Juan seemed to be a little stunned, and muttered, "Including the last time I went to City C to quarrel with you, I admit that it is indeed related to my work pressure and temper during this period of time, but the words of the fortune teller somehow made me fall in love, thinking of your changes, I was like being caught in a Gu at the time, in fact, I didn't want to deliberately target that Li Yue'er, but for some reason, I feel that you seem to be particularly protective of her, now looking back, in addition to the fortune teller's words about the work of the physiognomy and the like, I really didn't notice any other signs of the little girl, maybe I was really careless. Alas," Xiaojuan sighed and shook her head, "But after this incident, you have a prejudice against me after all." ”

When she said this, Xiaojuan's voice was full of exhaustion and helplessness, she looked at me and asked, "Chen Ran, am I right?" ”

I looked into her eyes, which were lifeless at the moment, far from their former radiance, and only sorrow echoed back and forth in them. I couldn't help sighing, and a wry smile overflowed from the corner of my mouth, "Maybe, our original life was simple, at that time, you had no worries about food and clothing, your parents spoiled you, and you had a little temper, but after all, you were still a girl." I turned my head to look out the window, as if caught in a distant memory, "Later, we both pursued our own careers, Kairan developed better and better, and you also became the deputy section chief, I am really happy for you." After a pause, I continued, "Maybe there are gains and losses, we now have our own work and life circles, and we have been separated for a long time, and our relationship is still somewhat affected." People say that distance produces beauty, but this sentence does not apply to marriage. I couldn't help but smile to myself, "As for whether you think you have changed a lot, that's not it, in your position to seek your own government, what stage and what stage, you now have a half-official position, and it is in the system, it is inevitable, although there are some things I don't like, but I am also a person in this vanity fair, I understand, but you still have to pay more attention to your body, women, smoking and drinking are really not good for the body, if you have the chance, you should quit it, I will not be by your side in the future, You still have to take good care of yourself alone. Suddenly I felt that my words seemed to have a parting taste, and I couldn't help but feel sour, and I couldn't bear to say it anymore.

Xiaojuan seemed to be a little excited, she turned around suddenly, grabbed my arm, and there were tears in her eyes, "So, Chen Ran, since you also know that the separation of the two places has affected our relationship after all, can you come back?" Can you? Even if it's for me, for our family, don't work in Kairan anymore, don't you also have a consulting company here, and we don't lack Kairan's money, just like before, I go to my class, you do your consulting company, and we live well in H City, okay? ”

I couldn't help but be stunned, I didn't expect Xiaojuan to say such a thing to me today, I was still planning to cut off with her, but she wanted me to return to her, but how did she know that the seemingly traceless but real changes in my relationship with her and her life were not because of Kairan...... Now, there are some things that can't be returned after all.

Seeing that I didn't speak, Xiaojuan continued, "Is it okay? Chen Ran? Can you give up Karan for me? ”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, and it took a long time to slowly open my eyes, "Xiaojuan, didn't I give up for you once?" I turned my head and looked at Xiao Juan with a worried face, "Kairan is no longer the meaning of earning a few bucks for me." It's a job I love, it's my career, it's not something that you pick up and put down. Like now, if I ask you to give up your job and position right away, can you do it? ”

"Then you'd rather watch us separate like this, and the relationship between the two places is getting weaker and weaker?" Tears that had been stored for a long time finally rolled down from Xiaojuan's eyes, "The signature just now was written so clearly and clearly, even the old master told me not to go to the southwest, isn't City C in the southwest, you said that if you have been in Kairan, is it only possible for us to meet when you come back?!" Isn't it possible for me to even go and see you in the future?! Even then, you still don't want to come back to me?! ”

Xiao Juan's crying voice was wrapped in resentment and unwillingness to attack me, and gusts of mountain wind blew, and her sobbing and sobbing, like a steel knife across my heart. But I know very well that such a situation is really unavoidable, there will be people crying after all, and there will be people injured after all, but the long pain is better than the short pain, I have to make a choice, instead of sneaking away from the other side to maintain the surface calm and actually hurt the three of them, it is better to make a decision and let me be this evil person alone. Thinking of this, I said, "Maybe you won't need to go back to City C in the future." ”

Xiaojuan was stunned when she heard this, and couldn't help but raise her teary eyes and ask, "What do you mean?" There was confusion and doubt in his eyes.

I turned my head to look at Xiao Juan, looking at her fixedly, as if I wanted to see the end of the ten years we had spent together, "Xiao Juan, I want to tell you, we ...... apart"

"Ding zero zero ......", Xiaojuan's mobile phone rang at this moment, and seeing that it was her mother's phone, I couldn't help but stop and motioned for her to answer the phone first. Xiaojuan wiped a handful of tears, pressed the answer button, and before she could speak, she heard the voice of Xiaojuan's mother on the other end of the phone.

"Xiaojuan, it's not good! Your dad was in a car accident and was sent to the hospital! I'm still rescuing, woo, what to do, daughter, what to do......!! ”