I finally returned to Guangzhou, where I wanted to or didn't want to.

In this place, I have more time. To think or to sink in thought.

In those days, I used to think about the past and in my dreams. In the past, I never knew if I was dreaming or dreaming in my actions. I couldn't figure out the difference between dreams and reality. Sometimes, I feel like in the real world, I'm virtual. But the virtual self feels real; It's like my pain keeps stretching, like a scar keeps growing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm real in the virtual world. Like a sleepwalker, walking in other people's dreams. After the wind flowed through my fingers, there was no more wind between my fingers. After the light flashed before my eyes, there was no more light in front of my eyes.

I have to admit that in my mind, there are two worlds. One world is real, the other is dream. Since I often can't tell which one is reality and which one is a dream, the world in the dream is not another world, but parallel to reality. But the two worlds are completely different, one is emotional and the other is rational. In the sensual world, there is a me. In another rational world, there is also a me. Because I don't know which world is real, so I don't know which one I am.

But I was well aware that I had completely departed from the outside world. I stayed in a small room of about ten square meters, and the changes and tides outside had nothing to do with me at all. I just eat and sleep in this little room every day. There are also so-called thinking and crankiness. Of course, I can also go outside. I can do whatever I want in the park outside for as long as I want, and I can stay there for a whole day without anyone disturbing me. The park is huge, there are many trees in the park, there are some grassy areas and chairs. But I don't do anything in the park, I often sit on a chair or lie on a chair and watch the sky. I like to look at the white clouds and blue sky, I like the boundless transparent blue, I can imagine endlessly at the edge or the deepest part of the blue, there is endless reverie growing. I love watching the white clouds change in blue, and I see the color and shape of the white clouds change at will. But I can't see the white clouds and blue sky all the time. More often than not, I'm waiting, waiting to see the white clouds and blue sky. I looked at the gray sky, imagined the clean blue behind the gray, and missed the clean blue.

At that time, the real world seemed to me to no longer exist, and all that was left was dreaming, dreaming constantly.

In the dream, the Pearl River, which is indescribable during the day, is still brilliant and charming at night under the brilliant lights on both sides of the river. The wind winds along the neat granite railings on both sides, blowing the trees on both sides, like two elves racing and running on the treetops. On the road, a variety of flowers bloom on both sides of the viaduct. Reflecting the square-like buildings on both sides, they are brightly decorated.

At that point, I was finally able to stop worrying about the constant worries. I finally don't have to look at people's faces, I don't have to smile at people, and my heart is more uncomfortable than crying. There is no need to rack your brains, and you can pretend to be a grandson in front of you. I can finally think as much as I want, as I can imagine. Except for being alive itself, everything becomes unimportant.

At this time, of course, what I think about the most is Ah Mei. I kept thinking from the first glance to the last look of seeing my sister. Think about the bits and pieces, every word that says between us, every detail, every action and every feeling we have together.

Slowly, I didn't just think about the specific sister, I began to think about the meaning of life. Although I think about it gives me a bit of a headache. Because, I always don't know where to remember.

So I started looking at the sky and letting my thoughts drift around like the wind.

At that time, the only problem that I couldn't solve was that I didn't have a sister. So, I can only imagine. To be precise, it can only be remembered. In my memory, I was always entangled with my sister.

Sometimes I ask myself.

Do you like her?

Do you really like her?

Do you really like her?

Do you just like her now?

Do you like her today, and maybe someone else tomorrow? Just like if you like to eat turnips today, you may like to eat cabbage tomorrow.

Are you going to insist? Or is there a turnip to eat a turnip, and a cabbage to eat a cabbage?

I remember that I once said to Ah Mei that she is my paradise. And she told me that where there are people, there is no paradise.

As a result, this kind of thinking becomes torture for oneself. But I couldn't stop, and I didn't know how I could stop. I just have to go with the flow. Although it gradually became an ordeal.

In order to cope with this suffering, I asked someone to get a Bible, and I hope that this kind of book will help me to stay away from it. But I only read the Bible once, and then I put it next to my pillow and stopped turning it. It's not that I'm a novice, it's that I'm a natural person like Pandora who was hit by something flying out of the box when she opened it. I think the Bible should be a textbook in heaven, and it has nothing to do with the world. I think the Bible is a bit like a primary school student holding a graduate textbook and just pretending. But now, I don't have to pretend.

Later, I asked someone to get a set of "Capital". I read Das Kapital twice, and then I stuffed it under my pillow. It's not that I'm interested in "The Fall of Capital", it's that I don't know what "Capital" is talking about, and I don't understand it at all. I read it twice because I just had to read a few pages at first and I would fall asleep peacefully. Later, I had to flip through the clouds for a long time before I could fall asleep. After watching it twice, I started to have insomnia.

Later, I used to sit on a chair in that park, or lie on a chair. But I no longer look at the sky, no longer look at the white clouds and blue sky, no longer look at the boundless transparent blue, and no longer imagine that there is endless reverie growing at the edge or deepest part of that blue. Because there are very few white clouds and blue skies in Guangzhou. I no longer wait to see the white clouds and blue sky. No longer looking at the gray sky, imagining the clean blue behind the gray, missing the clean blue.

I felt like the world had lost touch with me, and then I had lost touch with the world.

It wasn't until one day, I went to a bar, and I realized that my phone had never been turned on since I returned to Guangzhou. No wonder!