Whenever I encounter the worst situation, it is always the kind of attack on consciousness, thought, and thinking logic. Most of these attacks are invisible, and it is difficult to determine exactly when they started and when they ended, and there is no clear turning point in the process. When you start to be afraid, depressed, and hopeless, when your thoughts start to swell, your thinking starts to get confused, and your emotions start to fluctuate, it's hard to say that you can stop if you want to. It is precisely because I have experienced it too many times that I understand better that there is a complex system of hierarchical division between people's "inside" and "outside", and subjective consciousness can never be implemented into the depths of the self. And this situation is never what the story says, nor is it a "bad" thing as people often think.

Many people may find it powerful to "carry out self-consciousness into every cell" or "to control every part of the mind and body subjectively". However, I feel that it should be a manifestation of inhumanity, which is an important basis for distinguishing between "human" and "non-human". It is impossible for "human beings" to completely control their own consciousness, eliminate the dividing line between their subconscious and superficial consciousness, nor can they only think what they think and only do what they want to do, completely turn their subjective consciousness, subconscious mind and behavior into a unity, and achieve the "unity of knowledge and action" in philosophy in a complete sense.

Yes, people can't do it, only non-people can do it, and when people can do it, people are no longer human. And this is not a conceptual problem, but a more objective construction problem. The structure of human beings, from atoms and even subatoms to the quantum structural level, as well as the macroscopic coordination between man and the universe, as well as the sociality between people, the existence of human beings does not have the conditions for complete "unity of knowledge and action" from the foundation, nor does it have the conditions for complete "access to thoughts".

It is impossible to achieve the complete integration of those ideals of consciousness and behavior in philosophy, without changing their own basic structure and basic constituent factors. And once the basic structural factors are changed, for example, they are no longer carbon-based, they become other bases, or they are simply not naturally generated, or for example, they are no longer the existing structures of bones, nerves, internal organs, and even the brain, but become other structures, and the changes in the basic structure and factors will definitely lead to a change in self-ideology.

On the other hand, it is precisely because of my own basic structure and constituent factors that there is a necessary law, a limited outline, and some fixed pattern in my own self-conscious activity. My consciousness and personality are confined to a framework that can be smaller than this framework, but it is absolutely impossible to go beyond this framework unless I make a more radical change in the basic essence.

I am a doomsday syndrome patient, which no longer needs to be quibbled, and my body parts and physiology are quite different from those of the average person, both in the hospital reality and in the doomsday vision. Even so, when I observe not from the quantum level or the subatomic level, but from the level of cell genes, I still have great similarities with "human" in the normal sense.

It is these similarities that make my self-consciousness and personality structure different from those of ordinary people, and also have many similarities to human beings.

In my opinion, it is a mistake to separate the spiritual from the material, and to look at the changes of "ideological spirit" and "ideology" as independent things. But even if we observe the self independently, emotions, thoughts, thinking, personality, and consciousness activities...... Again, these things observed from a spiritual point of view do not completely transcend the framework of "human", but on the contrary, most of them are still within this framework.

Whether it is in the reality of the hospital or in the apocalyptic illusion, there is a certain force that erodes the patient's self at all times, especially in the apocalyptic fantasy, this situation is even more obvious.

Every time I think, every time I pursue self-consistency from a logical level, every time I struggle to wake up from a nightmare, every time I make self-observations and self-judgments, I am never "right". Rather, I can't judge whether what I think of, or even whether I have such thoughts, such emotions, and such perceptions of myself is "correct". Because, there is no one right template to refer to. And my observation and adjustment of self-consciousness is never for the sake of "correctness", but only for the sake of "continuity".

Once the emotions are out of control, once the mind reaches a dead end, once the consciousness falls into extreme madness and despair, it means that the self-consciousness is being put to the test. The adjustment of emotions is not always possible, and in one's own observations, one's own thinking produces contradictions, one's own thoughts swell, or other changes, which are not under one's control. In the midst of this impossibility of timely defense and repeated erosion, all I can do is to maintain a self-consistent logic and allow myself to accept the changes that have taken place at the level of my consciousness, whether they are good or bad.

Among the mystical experts I have met, there are many who have strong willpower and can achieve a certain degree of unity between knowledge and action, but they are all dead, they are all crazy, and they have all fallen into the truth of the apocalypse. Different people have different interpretations of this situation, but in my opinion, this is the result of their inability to complete ideological adaptation and logical self-consistency within the existing self-framework within a limited time. When their own ideology and philosophy change, they are left with only two options: "self-destruction" and "acceptance of the truth of the apocalypse". Their seemingly depraved position, in fact, in many cases, is just for survival, and choose to accept the truth of the end, and making this choice in favor of the latter has nothing to do with their subjective consciousness, no matter how strong their subjective willpower is, how much resistance to the truth of the end is useless, "It is impossible for people to integrate their subjective consciousness and subconscious, and they cannot integrate all their consciousness and completely integrate it with their own behavior". This is the most basic framework of consciousness activity, which is determined by man's own infrastructure, and is the decisive factor.

Like human nerve reflexes, they have to slide in the direction of the apocalyptic truth in an extreme environment, under the attack that the logic and consciousness of the mind are undergoing.

The reason why I have been able to hold on longer than other patients with doomsday syndrome is, in my own opinion, precisely because I tried to create a third option before I was left with only two options: "self-destruction" and "acceptance of the truth of the apocalypse", or in other words, before I fell to the step of "self-destruction", I had already struggled with ideology and thinking logic in order not to finally fall to this point.

It's a very complex situation that I haven't studied yet. I am only very sure that my mystical thinking, self-observation, pursuit of thought, and pursuit of philosophy, whether passive or active in the eyes of others, or negative or positive, are not in itself a pursuit of "correctness", but only to protect myself ideologically.

My mind was constantly expanding, even in battle, and admittedly, it inevitably affected my behavior—being more sluggish than normal, not reacting in a timely manner, and even thinking disorganized, contradictory, and bizarre mannerisms, all of which were understandable and absolute. Strictly speaking, it can even endanger one's own life. In the eyes of many, this is definitely a shackle, a bad sign, and nothing beneficial.

I thought so at first, but when I had to think, think instinctively, and constantly think about the meaning of the act of thinking at this moment, I finally came to the conclusion that the result of thinking may be laughable, ridiculous, or meaningless, but the act of "thinking" itself is of great significance, and it can even be said that the phenomenon of "uncontrollable expansion of thinking" is not entirely bad, but it is also of great significance to the maintenance of one's own existence and cognition.

It is through these involuntary and disadvantageous mental activities that I am able to maintain a state of self-awareness that I am still Takakawa and has not become anything else when I feel my "deterioration".

To put it more simply: as Gao Chuan, whether it is the transformation of the material form into an LCL or the deterioration of the spiritual consciousness, it is extremely bad, but there must be worse situations, however, in the end, I am just hovering on the edge of "bad" and "worst", and I did not fall into the "worst" situation, it is completely thanks to the seemingly sick thinking.

Compared to the vaguely predictable "worse" and "worst" situations, my current malignant reaction is a relatively good situation.

I was able to maintain my present self in my thinking, so that I would not fall into a worse situation, and this is the most meaningful result of the seemingly self-deceiving, pretending to be a mystical act of thinking in itself. On the other hand, if I had stopped thinking, stopped logical self-consistency, and stopped desperately and ridiculously digging for meaning from the struggle of ignorance, then I would have probably collapsed a long time ago, given up hope, fallen into extreme madness and fear, lost my mind, or maybe I was no longer "Takakawa" but something else.

All of the thoughts mentioned above are also carried out in the course of the battle, and this reflection itself is my observation of myself. Through this mental activity, I re-contracted the ego on a spiritual level, becoming stronger from the pillars of despair, madness, and fear. In the process of thinking and self-observation, I suffered more damage than before, but as long as I didn't die, I think this choice was the right one.

In the battle I have experienced, there is a very different result from being killed physically by someone and being destroyed mentally by the power that directly impacts the mind. From the perspective of "Takakawa", even if I am annihilated by these chaotic mysteries here, or if I am crushed by Nazi soldiers and security guards, it will only be the death of "me", and "Takakawa" will still exist. However, it is impossible to predict what kind of negative impact I will eventually have on the ideology of "Takakawa" once I collapse in my spiritual personality.

What does a person's real death look like? The ancients said that it was forgotten.

What does death look like to a modern person? Many people think that it is a corpse.

But, for me, the ideological self-destruction, this is the real death. And in this battlefield full of mysteries, all attacks on ideology and thinking logic, these invisible and formless attacks that do not know where to start and end, are truly terrifying attacks.

The ancients once said that all struggles involving ideological thinking and ideology are truly cruel struggles, and they are more decisive and thorough struggles than physical destruction, and I think so.

What I am facing now is such a brutal and thorough battle, and it is not the mysteries that injure the body and destroy the shell, nor the visible Nazi soldiers and security guards, nor the conspiracy of the Doomsday Shinrikyo or the grand macroscopic rituals that turn every participant into one of the parts and sacrifices. Rather, it is hidden in the appearance of these behaviors, like a spring breeze and drizzle, that erodes me, trying to destroy the intangible and formless things of self-knowledge from spiritual thoughts and ideologies.

I was bleeding, I was wounded, I was impaled with some internal organs, I was cut off from a single limb, I was blind, I was blind, my ears were hurt, I couldn't hear a sound, and even the intense pain was always spreading in my nerves, and I was making a mistake in my mind—all these tangible injuries didn't frighten me so much.

What really scares me is the change in my consciousness and mind, as well as the change in my self-perception when I observe myself.

I don't mind how many enemies I've killed, or where I'm going to be killed by them, I don't mind that there's some kind of power here that is trying to separate the "I" from the "Takakawa" and become something independent.