In the eyes of ordinary people, the environment and state are objective, while one's own observation is subjective, and objectivity will not be shaken by subjectivity, which is a common cognition. However, in both the occult and advanced physics, there is an act of elevating "self-observation" to a higher level, and the general approach in science is to redefine the subjective initiative of "self-observation" as a kind of "interactive objectivity" from the perspective of a third party. It's a very complex theory, and I can't fully understand it, but if I dig deeper, I have a sense that the occult is more concise and clear.

The occult, science, philosophy, psychology – many of these disciplines are contradictory to each other, but in some of the details, people feel a kind of entanglement that goes deep to the core. When I associate them again and again with their similarities and differences, I always feel that my brain is exhausted and I don't understand more and more about my relationship with the world, and the concepts I think are right and wrong. In my cognition, the definition of the same thing, in this adventure that fills my life, and is full of suspense and incomprehension, is constantly subverted, examined, and I feel at a loss when I take a step forward, so I have to take a step back and seek my own liberation.

Thinking is fun, but it's also scary.

I thought as hard as I could, becoming more and more aware of my own stupidity and stubbornness, but there was always a thought haunting me like a ghost, if I wasn't supposed to be like this, then what should I be? It is often said that learning and thinking make people mature. It is informative, but in my personal experience, learning and thinking is a very heavy burden and responsibility. It doesn't make me feel mature, and it doesn't make me feel like I know a lot. On the contrary, in the process, I always feel that I have to back down when faced with an "absolutely unanswered question".

For example, I don't know when I started, although I was also thinking about the "virus" and "river", but I didn't really care what they were or what they were. What's the matter, what a secret? In fact, for me, what the hell they are may not be the core of the problem - the "virus" needs to be stopped, and the "Jiang" must stay, which is already an undoubted thing, and has nothing to do with what the hell they are.

I don't think either. What's wrong with thinking like that, what's wrong with that. I'm in pain. It's very depressing, so I seek reasons why I have to carry this qiē, for example: in the process, it is not without joy, and I have to bear these repressions and pains. to protect some people. And these people have nothing to rely on but me.

If, one day, the facts are put in front of me, it tells me that "there is no need to bear it." and no one needs your salvation", then, what will happen to me? I thought about it, but the answer was surprising, not the dramatic "self-collapse", but the fact that I would probably say "Ah, that's not bad".

Yes, if I am wrong, if my efforts are in vain, and if all my pain and depression are the result of my mental illness and ignorance, then I will never resent myself, nor will I blame myself for my stupidity and self-inflicted suffering. I would like to sincerely wish people well and tell them that there is no "end of the world" at all, and that no one is sick or suffering from doomsday syndrome, even if they think so.

However, so far, all the qiē I have seen, and the one qiē I have experienced, are telling me that the end of the world has come, and I must act. And this is the source of my depression and pain, and it is not the "river" in my body, which is not recognized by people other than me, or the "virus" that leads to it, and I can't eliminate it.

If I don't act, the world won't be ruined, and my loved ones won't be unfortunate because of this, then I will be very happy. Even so, the "Jiang" is still the most unique among the people I love.

……

I began to realize that I was writing in a journal again, and my mind was starting to mess up again. I have a lot to say, I want to feel emotional, I try to filter my muddy thoughts and feelings from the records and words, but when the record begins, I seem to forget myself. It was only after Dr. Ruan Li reminded me that I began to notice that I had written far more than I thought I had written.

I rubbed my eyes, and the screen of my phone started flickering again, and it was Hakkei and Sakiya who were sent, and I didn't seem to reply to them for a while. I remembered that not long ago—I looked at the time, it was about half an hour ago—I asked them about Zuochuan.

Being separated from Sagawa in Nightmare Las Vegas worries me a little.

However, on the way to the inquiry, I didn't know why, so I started writing in a diary. I don't even remember when I turned on the lamp.

The situation on Sagawa's side is not bad, she has already woken up from the nightmare, Hakkei and Sakiya sent me a picture of her in her pajamas, and at this time, the three of them got together and were planning to do something interesting. For the city, for us, although the existence of zài is of great significance, it is not busy enough business in normal times. We have done the monitoring of the entire city, but we do not need to record and analyze it all the time. Hakkei and Sakuya are also only high school girls, and for them, the work of the whisperer is just an "extracurricular activity that sometimes gets busy, but most of the time is fun". When I see their full and energetic smiles, I think it's not bad either.

I now feel more and more that my original intention of creating a whisperer is really just a reason to force it to convince myself. When we get together, we need a name, we need a meaning, and we need a sense to make this qiē logical. And by the time it makes sense, the original reason doesn't matter anymore.

Their replies calmed my mind again. In the soft glow of the lamp, I peered into the darkness in the corner and listened to my own heartbeat. It seems that I can feel that "Jiang" is also here, but at the same time, I understand that it is not "here" in the full sense of the word. We are closely connected, but we seem to have to cross long distances. will catch each other by chance.

Even so, when I knew, when I believed, that it was zài, not false, I was a little frightened, but very relieved. It seems that this fear has become a reason for peace of mind.

No matter how I assumed that "the end of the world does not exist zài". The "end of the world" is true, and this is the only thing I can confirm after an adventure full of questions. It is more real than the question of "which world is the real world, and whether there are other truths that I don't know". In the face of this reality, no matter how many ideas I have, how many choices do I have?

What I thought. See, these things that must be done. In the eyes of ordinary people, it must be very ridiculous, but even so, I still have a reason to go.

I have to ask all the "Takakawa" who came before me, and after me—but I don't want to answer it, and even the question is only in my own heart: you really know. What are you facing, and what are you dealing with?

I know.

I'm dealing with an unseen ghost.

It is not an exact entity, but just a concept.

When the specter of this concept, in a "fait accompli, untraceable" way, stands before us. There is only one thing we can do: negate its existence. Beyond that, what other forces can make "a concept" not exist? As for whether we can really make it disappear if we deny it, I don't think there is any point in answering it. Because, if we can't, we have no other way but to suffer, despair and perish.

Yes, "Gao Chuan", when I wrote this paragraph, it was very serious, and it was after helpless thinking and seeing more situations, among which there was a qiē that you failed to notice, or could not notice at all, that made me have such thoughts. Although it seems to me to be a crazy idea, I have decided that the plans you have made in the past, based only on what you have seen and felt, will also be part of this plan.

If I succeed, then the efforts of any "I" – no matter what the position and vision may be, and how much cognitive bias there has been – will not be in vain.

I must also thank all of them who have worked hard to make many plans for the "Takakawa" of this moment and the "Takakawa" of every moment in the past. Because, I grew up because I met them.

If I fail, don't miss it, and don't worry. Because, that won't have any effect on what is happening, in other words, only when the one that is happening, because of what I'm doing, is a reversal of what I'm doing, that's the proof of my success. Success and failure are simply the boundaries between "what happened" and "nothing happened".

Can you get it? It may be a bit profound, but everything I can think of, what I can understand, and what I can describe is already in my pen.

To put it simply: can a theoretically attainable comprehensive act of observation be seen itself as an objective base point that becomes a lever to leverage, preventing it by denying a "concept" that is happening?

Because I met the "river", I think it is possible.

P.S: I think it's time to stop talking about what "virus" and "river" are, and what is the truth and what is real. Although it is still an unsolved mystery, it is okay to treat it as an "unsolved mystery" without solving it, without using it as the reason, focus, and end point of action. Perhaps, it would be better to do so.

P.S: Now I can't objectively describe my own state, and I can't believe that others can objectively describe my situation, and I probably can't be helped, so there are not many options left for me. What I need is not psychotherapy, but a cup of coffee. However, I am still grateful to Dr. Nguyen Le for all her efforts for me and for what she will continue to do with me. I'll work with that.

I stopped writing and thought, "Surely Dr. Nguyen Le will see this."

And I didn't write this to hide what I was thinking. I didn't write these things specifically so that Dr. Ruan Li could see them, or anyone else.

When I closed the diary. It was close to four o'clock in the morning, and the darkness outside the window, which had always seemed to hide something terrifying, seemed to be washed and made transparent when I looked at it now. It's like stacking several layers of cloth, but there is still a sense of penetration. This transparent and clean darkness, like pure water, is like a terrifying thing like pure water, and bacteria cannot exist in it. I lay back in my chair and thought back to the Nightmare Las Vegas, the Repeater, the Doomsday Vision, and the Hospital Reality, and I remembered a lot of what I should have done at the time. But for many reasons, things that have not been accomplished, but incredibly, are no longer bothered and regretful about them, even if what just happened in Nightmare Las Vegas, to others, seems to be an omen, and something very important. It's also become bland.

I closed my eyes and thought about nothing in my mind. Something was faintly jumping. It wasn't a sound to be heard, it wasn't a concrete word, it was just a feeling—a lullaby.

It was Zuo Jiang singing to me, a very long, very charming, song about golden apples.

I followed the feeling and groaned softly:

"The first word is a dream.

From slumber,

Quietly bring out the secrets of my heart.

The second word is wind,

Let me swing my wings and fly to the crook of God's arm,

Counting the sad past that has passed,

Golden apples. Another one fell ......"

It seems to be back to that day, for the time being, let me have a dream of reminiscence.

……

The next day, I didn't wake up very late. Although I fell asleep very late, I didn't have any more nightmares, although I didn't have any memories, and the emotions of the night were already filtered, leaving only a little trace, however, I guess I had a sweet dream. I felt light, full of energy, and there was no trace of tiredness at all. I can continue to fight, thinking so, I got out of bed and checked my desk. The diary, which was placed on the table, was gone, of course. I'm not surprised, probably Dr. Nguyen Le has already come in. During this time, in order to monitor my condition at all times, she monitored my diary and diary writing more closely than before.

I have a lot of troubles, and so does Dr. Nguyen Li. My troubles are born with the end of the world, and so does Dr. Nguyen Li. She had a good reason for all the seemingly intrusive things she did to me, and the same was true when I did those things. Therefore, she and I are like a mother and son.

Just as she never blamed me like this, I don't blame her.

I washed up silently, changed into my coat, and put the pen in my inner pocket. There was also a pack of Camel brand cigarettes on the table, the packaging had been torn open, and one was taken away, which I think was also made by Dr. Nguyen Li, because the pack of cigarettes was originally hidden in the inside of the drawer. I picked up my cigarette, opened the door and walked out.

The villa was already lively inside and out, but the room was very soundproofed, so it was not felt to stay in the room all the time. As soon as I opened the door, I saw that a male specialist who lived in the same villa was also opening the door and walking out, and when he saw me, he was stunned for a moment, then he nodded with a gentle smile, while on the other side, his companions were walking briskly.

"Takakawa?" One of them called my name in a strange tone.

"Yes, what's the matter?" I asked.

"No, it's nothing." The man had an expression of "just wanting to shout his name", and changed the subject a little awkwardly, "There's a dinner party outside, and we're about to call you over." That being said, it seems like a backlash. I think he's just covering up, but he's just looking at celebrities and calling each other's names to their faces by the way — the question is, am I that famous?

"Ah, don't you know? At the time of the morning meeting, the symposium had already announced the patients who had been diagnosed with this case. The expert seemed to lack emotional intelligence, and regardless of the look in his peers, he said to me bluntly: "You're on the list." Moreover, your identity makes you special among those patients. In fact, there are many people who have only heard about you from Ms. Ruan, but have never met your real person. ”

"Not a lot of people?" I questioned, "Are so many of you familiar with Dr. Nguyen Li?" ”

"Ah, no, I mean—" The expert paused, adding, "Many of Ms. Nguyen's papers are written with you as an example. Just note that your name will appear in the list of facilitators at the end of the paper. You are often mentioned when you are speaking. Because Ms. Ruan has a good reputation in the industry, you who are frequently mentioned by her are also concerned, aren't you? Are you so...... A special patient, I think, without you, Ms. Nguyen would not have achieved so much. ”

I stopped, stared him in the eye, and said very seriously, "Maybe research is an important reason for my mother's success, but if you think it's the only reason, then with all due respect, I hate you." ”

"Ahh

I heard footsteps, and when I turned my head, I saw the soothsayer approaching. She also glanced at the departing people and said to me, "Don't worry, Ms. Ruan's reputation is based on her technical and theoretical achievements, but there are also many people who feel that luck is more proportional." ”

"No, I don't care if my mother's success is due to luck or because of my savings. Actually, if it was the latter, I would be much happier. However, that doesn't stop me from hating a man from a standpoint. I replied.

"Yes, you're on Ms. Nguyen's side, I know." The soothsayer smiled and rubbed my hair vigorously, "I was about to go and tell you to get up, now that you can get up yourself, go out quickly, everyone has already started eating." ”

"It's breakfast?" I asked.

"Of course." The soothsayer said, "What? ”

"I heard, you also had an earlier meeting? Haven't had breakfast yet? I said.

"Yes, the dinner party started after the meeting. The meeting started at half past seven, and many people couldn't keep their spirits up at all because they had too much fun last night. The soothsayer said, "It's not really important." The organizer once again affirmed the process of this seminar and the matters that must be noted. In addition to visiting a nearby psychiatric hospital and being instructed on some new treatment modalities, there is also a thesis presentation that everyone has to make, and finally everyone can try to make a diagnosis report on the routine patient and submit it to the organizer for grading, just like an exam. It is possible that those who come to the seminar will be invited to participate in an ongoing study – in other words, because many of the people who come to the seminar this time are 'wild' experts and do not have internationally recognized qualifications and certifications, so it is also hoped that this opportunity will be given to get involved in this field in earnest. It's no secret that I think people who came across those things along the way and decided to continue attending the seminar probably know the general situation. ”

"Don't you think it's strange? Why the study of seminars, instead of having formal qualifications and proof of qualifications, is enabled more like hobbyists and the like. I couldn't help but ask.

"This question...... It's a hassle. The soothsayer was stunned, as if she didn't think I would ask about it, but she seemed to know the answer, but she was reluctant to explain it to me, but hinted: "Not all research links require people who have gone through formal education, on the contrary, if all of them are like that, it is easy to reduce efficiency and even make mistakes in some links." Because, in terms of thinking and habits, people who have received a unified education are like molds shaped - perhaps very sophisticated, replaceable, very mature, and able to work well, but research is not a mechanical operation, although it is efficient and precise, but more importantly, it is enlightening and innovative, it requires greater fault tolerance and richer possibilities. (To be continued......)