There are many questions that go unanswered, and when others are faced with the same things and can understand, I am always confused, as if I have drilled the tip of a bull's horns, and when I look at it, it is not the answer I want. Whether it is in my case as a bystander or as a party, these incomprehensions that stem from the incident itself and the root causes behind the incident have not changed in the slightest. Even so, there are more important things to me than getting answers.

So, I interrupted Dr. Nguyen Li's explanation of the situation at hand. What "mental integration device", what "special circumstances cause me to be able to observe this mental integration device from a different perspective from other patients", etc., are not as important as the question of "how does Dr. Nguyen Li in this repeater world view all this?"

It doesn't matter whether Dr. Nguyen Le is dead or alive, I can still hear her voice, she was there for me when I needed help the most, then what matters is her own perception of her situation - not objective, what I want to know, is subjective.

"Mom, are you happy?" I asked.

Dr. Nguyen Li, who seemed to be about to explain the current situation to me, heard such a question, and his voice was interrupted. How long was the outage? There was no detailed count, but it wasn't very fleeting, and I thought she was sorting out her feelings, she was thinking seriously about my problem, and maybe why I said that. All in all, when her voice sounded again, it was neither serious nor urgent, giving me a kind of soothing and warmth that I hadn't seen for a long time, just hearing the voice, I felt that she must be smiling at this time, from the heart. A calm and tranquil smile.

"It shouldn't be called pleasure, Achuan." She said, "What is there to rejoice in when the world is destroyed?" Moreover, I am also dead. ”

I'm just silent.

After a pause, she continued, "However, my idea is feasible. My actions confirmed my theory, and in the end, I proved myself in my own way, maybe I didn't save the world, but I just as an individual, I don't have any regrets. Others may have lost and died, and that's all very miserable, however. I didn't betray them, but I was lucky to win in the end, so if you want to say guilt, I don't have any guilt, and this feeling can't be said to be melancholy, because. The results at the moment are not unexpected. In that case, it should be pleasant. It is not cheating, nor is it deliberately evil, it is not taking the initiative to exchange the sacrifices of others for its own victory, it is just acting at the opportunity and using its own knowledge and cognition. Defeat an evil adversary - how can such a result not be pleasant? ”

"That's enough." In my heart, something heavy was put down, "I've always been afraid that you will regret it, that you will be at some point." I feel that when I did something before, it would be nice not to do it, and I am afraid that you will resent it and complain about why you have encountered such a bad thing. Because I feel that this world should not be like this, I am full of unwillingness......"

"Ah, that's what ordinary people think." Dr. Nguyen Li said: "Regret, regret, guilt, complaining, unwillingness, feeling that you were born at the wrong time, and being owed by many people, this is a very common idea. In the end, we didn't do anything wrong, but because something we didn't understand came to this planet inexplicably, so everyone died, no matter how much we struggled, we couldn't undo all the disasters and pain that occurred in the end of the world, and we had no chance to make up for the wrong things we had done - although at the time I would have felt that it was right to do that, it was right, and there was no way to do it, but I still felt that it would be nice if I could do it otherwise. ”

"But, Mom, you don't have that idea at all?" I say.

"Well, because, I did my best to do what I could, and even used my own death, what else can't I let go?" "I never thought of myself as a superman, and although I thought I would win, my theoretical chances of success were slim before I won, and I would rather say that I had already achieved more than I expected," said Dr. Nguyen Li. So- ah, no, maybe a little worried. ”

"Worried?" I'm a little confused.

"Well, I'm worried about Achuan you...... No, Achuan, you have your own way of life and ways of observing the world, which may not be the same as normal people, but you have indeed lived in your own way for so long, so there is nothing to worry about. In the past, I also thought that your difference would be rejected by many people, but in today's world, no one will criticize you because of your difference, so there is no point in worrying about it. Dr. Ruan Li paused and said, "I'm probably just not able to be with you anymore, so I'm a little lonely." ”

"Mom......" I couldn't help but shed tears, the faint emotion in my heart was fluctuating, although it was only faint, but it couldn't be erased, and it couldn't be stopped. I didn't wipe away my tears, they just flowed quietly.

"Is that all you want to know? Ah Chuan, I heard the call of your heart, so I hurriedly said a few words to you in this way at the end of the end. I don't think you're confused and don't understand what's going on right now? Do you want to know what to do in the future? Do you want to hear the advice of some elders? Dr. Nguyen Le said calmly and gently.

"Yes. That's all, it's enough to know that you're leaving with such a feeling, Mom ...... "I have a stomach for things to say to her, but at this point, I don't know how to say it, but what I say is definitely what I want to say the most - as long as she doesn't have that hatred, reluctance and guilt - it's absolutely true." I wanted to make sure how she saw all of this, not to know what the world was like in her eyes, but just to know how she saw the world in her heart and the results she faced.

"To be honest, I'm stupid, Mom." I was in tears, but at the end I felt like I could smile, so I guess I was smiling. "I don't understand any of the theoretical stuff you're talking about. What you mean is that I'm special, so I can observe, touch, and end it all in a way that no one else can, but actually. Whether I'm really special or not, what I want to do never changes, the only difference is whether I can do it or not. I'm not acting according to the theories you describe, but just acting according to my own feelings and intuition. ”

"So?" Dr. Ruan Li asked rhetorically.

"So, don't worry, Mom." I was finally able to raise my hand and wipe away my tears, "I'm stupid, but I'm always faced with a lot of confusion. A lot of problems that plague me always make my heart unable to calm down, my whole life, probably will be spent in useless thinking, there will be many contradictory things waiting for me in the future, maybe I will die so suddenly in an incomprehensible situation. But, it doesn't matter, that's my life. I'm already okay with it. ”

Yes, the perspective from which I observe the world. Unlike many people, what I see, how I perceive these things, is different from most people, but we do look at the same things. It's the same situation. Just as in the eyes of Dr. Nguyen Li and me, we probably have different understandings of whether what is in front of us is a "spiritual integration device" or something else, what kind of state You Giang is, and whether it is a hallucination or a real thing at this time. But. The two of us meeting at the same time and in such a way to witness together cannot certainly be two completely different and completely unrelated situations.

The end is the end, death is death, and what really does not exist will not exist, and since it already exists, then it must not be non-existent. The existence or non-existence of this observed phenomenon is not the same, and it is the most unreasonable thing that is essentially "existing" and "not existing". The fact that something that necessarily exists, observed as "existing" and "not existing", does not change the fact that it does exist.

I accept the idea that I have no doubts about the people and things that have existed in my life, and those who have disappeared - perhaps in my observations, they exist at once, disappear at once, live at once, die at once, be one face at once, and be another face at once. However, their essence is existence, and their existence is intertwined with my existence, even if this interweaving is full of incomprehensibility and inconceivability, but the interwoven story itself is so full and fulfilling for myself in it.

Whether in the eyes of others, all these things I have observed are real or illusory, whether in theory, all these things I have observed are real or unreal, but for me, all these things I have observed constitute a part of my life, a part of the meaning that runs through my life, and the most important thing that cannot be separated.

I think that's actually the truth I'm looking for – the truth is always around me, it's intertwined with me, it's something I don't need to look for, but at some point, I forget it, or I can't accept it. But when you accept it, take it, and believe that this is your life, then no matter how many problems there are in theory, it is no longer the most important one.

"Really? Well, since you've said so, Ah Chuan ......" Dr. Nguyen Li said, "I'm a dead man, and I can't say much." ”

"It's good if you're happy." That's what she said to me.

It's good that you're happy -- in her mouth, it's not a mockery, it's a haste of tolerance and understanding, and to me it's not a derogatory word.

"Mom, is it just a dream, an illusion?" I asked.

"Maybe, no, for you, probably." Dr. Nguyen Le said, "But, as you think, it doesn't really matter if it's a hallucination or a dream. All that mattered was that her voice, at the end of the day, seemed to fade into the distance.

- The important thing is that you and I want to see each other again.

- Goodbye, Agawa.

I woke up from a trance, and I felt like I had a dream, no, it was probably a dream, a goodbye in a dream, and it was supposed to be in this way, to answer the current situation, but instead of answering the doubt, I chose what I thought was more important. So, after completing this thing, I felt in a good mood. It's a rare dream.

With this faint pleasure, I followed the instructions of my senses and thrust my hand into what might have been a psychic device, large and strange—more like a hand inserted into the trunk of a tree—which looked like something hard, but the process of piercing it was like putting my hand into jelly. My left eye twitched violently and was bleeding like tears. With this blood-covered vision, paying attention to the changes around him, this vision suddenly turned upside down.

I don't know what kind of internal changes my insertion has caused, but I just feel that it must not be a bad change. The victory that Dr. Nguyen Le meant in his dreams, which is what I was doing at this time, had a chain reaction in the end. She started and made a switch, and the others struggled to just put the switch on, and I was the one who pulled the switch, what role did "Jiang" play in it? I jokingly wondered if it was a "circuit" that connected everything together.

However, I also know that there will be no answers to my questions.

There was a sharp pain in my left eye, and the upside down sensation was so clear, but I didn't "fall" from the ground into the air. The dark and deep sky seemed to open the invisible curtain when it was reversed, exposing all the stars that had been hidden before. When the blue planet emerged from the end of the horizon, I realized that the place where I was actually was actually "the moon", and this huge, completely unknown thing, which appeared after the battle between the invisible monster and the huge white Claudia, was rooted in the moon.

I couldn't help but think of the dreamlike Galactic Railway train - if the passengers really existed, in the eyes of those passengers, did they just pass the moon and were heading towards the edge of the solar system, towards the depths of the galaxy? I smiled again, thinking how innocent and fairy-tale my thoughts were. (To be continued.) )