In the past three or four months, my schedule has been very regular, precise like a soldier, and I take medicine on time and go to bed and wake up regularly. But today I woke up noticeably late. The alarm clock on my phone is set at 7 o'clock, and I don't know if there is an alarm today, but I didn't hear it anyway. When I woke up, it was half past seven, and the sun was shining through the curtains like an arrow in my legs.

I lay there still, a little angry, I can't tell how much real this anger is, a person who has lived alone for a long time will act with himself.

It seems that my father is right, people like me should be sent to the army, and if they have enough of beating and scolding, they will soon develop a lot of good habits. Now that I think about it, all the good habits in my life that are worthy of recognition, such as folding quilts and clothes neatly, sweeping the floor and cleaning the glass are particularly clean, are all beaten out by my father. So much so that as soon as I relaxed, my father's disgusted eyes automatically appeared in my mind.

When I think of my father, I can't help but fall into habitual self-blame. Whenever this happens, the familiar painful frustration hits me, making me tingle and inhale deeply. Dr. Meng said it was structural anxiety that was caused by a drastic change in the family environment.

Dr. Meng is my psychiatrist who treats my anxiety and depression, and she has been doing me one-hour counseling every Tuesday afternoon for four months. Dr. Meng believed that my depression had a lot to do with my chaotic routine, so she set a strict schedule for me, and she repeatedly emphasized that sticking to the schedule was a concrete sign of my determination to treat.

Strong words have been a deterrent to me for more than 20 years, and I feel like a bit of a disappointment to Dr. Meng's expectations.

I liked the way she nodded in satisfaction, and the pleasure it gave me was like plucking my ears, reminding me of those young female teachers in my sixteen years of studying. My good buddy Shi Ting said that this psychological trait of mine is very dangerous, and it is easy to develop into X-abuse syndrome.

Sometimes I suddenly can't remember what Dr. Meng looked like, but I can always remember her eyes, which were the symbols she had in my mind. Dr. Meng has particularly slender eyebrows, and whenever she listens to what I say, her eyes are focused and calm, and I often feel that she has sadness in her eyes, and she looks more like a depressed person than me.

I'm relatively superficial, and every time I see her, I can't help but wonder if she has been dumped again.

The dust glistened in the sunlight, and I stared blankly at the arrow of light, imagining it suddenly turning into a red laser, burning my flesh with green smoke, piercing my leg in an instant, carving a scar with pleasure, and screaming in pain.

I think of rolling wildly in the poplar forest when I was a child, I can't be born sick, right?

After a bit of mental disengagement, I feel much better. I lay down for five minutes before slowly getting out of bed.

It's a compulsive habit that has only recently been formed. My father died of a myocardial infarction, and although I'm not sure, my grandfather probably died of the disease. According to my father, my grandfather died when he was eight years old, and he was not yet thirty years old, and my grandmother didn't know exactly how old he was, because my grandfather couldn't figure it out himself. In the past, the family was too poor and had a chaotic life, but after liberation, the family tree was burned, and the years, months and days were written blindly when the household registration book was registered. In the 60s, there was a shortage of doctors and medicines in the fishing village, and my grandfather suddenly had a heartache, so he didn't go to the hospital, and he died after lying at home for a day.

In the Middle Ages, some people in Europe would use shovels to dig holes in marmots if they wanted to know the length of winter, and if there was more food in the holes than in previous years, it meant that the coming winter was cold and long, and if there was little food, it meant a warm winter. Am I the one who digs holes to observe marmots? Or is it a groundhog being observed? I think it's both. After two generations of genetics, I found that there was obviously not enough winter food, and that there was no way to increase it, and it was really difficult to survive the unexpectedly longer winter, and I thought I would die from the disease too.

When you first wake up, your heart is at its most vulnerable, and it is a good idea to get up after a short rest. In fact, I consulted the doctor who treated my father very seriously, and the doctor made it very clear that myocardial infarction is not hereditary, otherwise your father would not have passed the physical examination of the army back then. However, there are many factors that lead to myocardial infarction, and it is difficult to say whether these factors are hereditary.

When I didn't ask.

Wash up and go to the toilet and take a shower, step by step, move quickly, I never rub in the bathroom for an extra minute. It's the opposite of Sting, when he goes into the bathroom, it's like going back to real home, and I often wonder what he's doing in the toilet.

When I was a kid I had a dream in which I was taking a bath. The water mist in the bathroom is steaming, and the glass of the shower room is full of water droplets, which is warm and comfortable. I washed my hair slowly, and then suddenly I noticed that the mist outside suddenly stirred, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure moving carefully and slowly in the mist, as if to get closer to the glass to see me more clearly. For a moment, I was cold, frightened and inexplicably unable to wake up. I didn't dare to turn my head, trying to see the shadow out of the corner of my eye, but it was always blurry, it was like a ball of milk about to form. I tried to wake myself up, and even kept reminding myself to shout, but I couldn't exert any strength, and I didn't know how long I suffered in fear, and I finally let out a strange wail, and woke up sweating profusely, as if I had taken a bath.

The dream was so real, I observed, analyzed, reflected, and even planned how to get out of the dream, and then I slowly recalled, and even felt that the white milk face was a bit like myself. Since then, I've only showered during the day, and I've been sure to do it quickly and quickly. Dr. Meng said that I had this kind of dream because I was insecure since I was a child.

Why the lack of security? Dr. Meng's analysis was based on domestic violence. My dad would beat me up from time to time, and my mom would occasionally beat me when she was emotionally out of control, and I was beaten to the point of being insecure. After her analysis and conclusion, I realized that my family was essentially a small group that was sensitive to violence.

At that time, I rolled my eyes and thought about it for a while, and finally felt that she was nonsense, but I was embarrassed to refute the face, after all, it was very hard to learn this set of studies to get a doctorate, so I admitted it.

Dr. Meng is the best student I have ever met, the same age as me, he has been studying for eight years in a row and has been working for a year, and he entered the university at the age of 16, and I was only in my second year of high school at that time. What's even more exaggerated is that after getting acquainted, she told me that she was actually one year younger than me, and that she was afraid that she would be too young when she was admitted to university, and that the medical school would not accept her, so she would find someone to change her up, which was really smart and awe-inspiring.

So I have to respect her analysis, but I can still have an objective understanding of whether I should be beaten or not. And I feel that insecurity is innate to me, a character.

Later, I read an article about the initiation of Daigo, where a group of experts spent decades tracking and studying the question of whether a child should be picked up in the first place when he cried. The conclusion is that if you cry because of lack of milk, hunger or uncomfortable urine, you must pick it up, and if you don't pick it up as soon as possible, it will carve a sense of insecurity in the subconscious of the person's brain, mark it with thoughts, and form a personality that affects life.

Children who lack milk generally shouldn't urinate too much, which is a contradiction, and lack of milk and urine, what is that? Although I didn't ask my mother, I didn't have a special affection for big-breasted women when I grew up, so I shouldn't be starved of milk, and I think my insecurity was caused by excessive milk and urine when I was a child.

When we were in college, we did an experiment in which a classmate who had fallen asleep with a drunken beer put one hand in warm water, and he wet the bed. He hated us for a long time after that. It can be seen that urinating a lot is a hurtful thing.

Pack up and go out. Out of the gate of the community across the road turn right, go straight and then cross the two roads, there is a snack bar opened by Zhejiang people, soybean milk fritters authentic Hangzhou flavor, Wushan flatbread is exclusive to Xiamen, I often eat breakfast here in the past six months. After eating, I saw that it was almost half past eight, and slowly paced back home.

After graduating from university, I worked for more than two years before my father fell ill and suffered a severe myocardial infarction. Because of the large infarction area, there are more than 70% stenosis of the main blood vessels and important branches, and the stent is not enough to bypass again, and it is more than a month to lie in the hospital, and the subsequent recovery period is also very long and difficult.

In order to take care of my father, I never went to work again. At the time when my father needed absolute rest, I was almost always in the hospital. Although the relationship between my parents is very good, my father doesn't let my mother touch this kind of work like and urine, basically I do it, and my father says that this is the bottom line of men's dignity.

My father recovered well after his illness, and after being discharged from the hospital for more than a month, he was able to go to the unit intermittently, although he had retired from the second line, but he felt that being able to go to work meant being like a normal person, so he was very active in going to work as much as possible.

During this period, I also went out to look for a job a few times, but I was not satisfied, and I was on trial intermittently.

Then something big happened in the family.