I had a long conversation at Mr. Shen's house that day. www.biquge.info It was early November 2006, and what surprised me the most in our conversation was that we just met again in 2004.

Come to think of it, we met twice before, when I was still in college majoring in literature. Although I didn't pay attention to him, Mr. Shen remembered me.

Many years later, I would sometimes pick up a tape recorder and put it in it to record the conversation I had at Mr. Shen's house that day, and I would laugh at first, laughing at the old man of fate and the world is so small, whenever I listened to Mr. Shen's words, I always had a feeling that I couldn't speak.

"Yes, things have been in love for a long time, to say that in a place where you have lived for 6 years and have an American girlfriend who loves you. And you take a liking to some of its things, and new friends. Or say that you are in love with it. I mean, I love it, but it's hard to choose to stay. ”

"Why, don't you really want to stay? But why? You haven't done anything to be sorry for your country since then? You're just an ordinary U.S. citizen. I said.

"Nope! It should be said that it is the motherland. Yes! You don't know, it should be said that you probably can't understand. I was born in the 60s in China. On the other hand, for my generation of Chinese, it was an era of special cohesion and sacred faith, and I know that many people don't think so, or I at least think so. Although there were many people who sacrificed their lives, such as my parents, and people like Qian Xuesen, Li Siguang, Deng Jiaxian, and other top scientists in China at that time, and maybe my grandfather. They have all returned to China when the motherland needs it the most and it is the hardest, and there is no bargaining for anything. Annual salary? Villa? Car? Flower World? No, only cloth clothes and coarse tea and light rice, unimaginably small wages per month, and poor working conditions. "I could hear that he had a very conflicted feeling inside.

"But, I don't understand Mr. Shen, times have changed. Moreover, your country has also been reformed and opened up, didn't you think it was the 80s when you came here? The United States is a multi-ethnic and multi-racial country, you know better than I do. ”

"Yes, times have changed, and I'm from that era. It's not that you don't have it, you just change it. That's true in the United States, and I don't think you object to me saying that it's not as perfect as we think, right? ”

"Yes, Mr. Shen. I agree, but this country does give us a lot of things. Our knowledge and wealth and our families, including the loved ones you told me I had been looking for. ”

"You're right, then again, is it perfect to have that country in this world? The perfect place may only be paradise, and it was only after the events of Raccoon Town that I was freed from myself. ”

As he spoke, he looked at the pictures of his family on the fireplace, and said.

"I don't deny that those scientists are my idols. I greatly admire their courage, dedication and sacrifice for their country and nation, including my grandfather. It's not that their knowledge is unfathomable, but that they could give up everything here at that time and return to China to serve the motherland! To me they are more like heroes! I always felt like I could do the same, and it was easy, wasn't it? It's like when we were children, we all thought we could be a general or a hero, but when it was time for me to choose, I hesitated, should I return to China and serve like them? Or stay and be a so-called, so-called Chinese-American?

"I didn't have any relatives in my country, and my grandfather passed away before I came here. Although the country is no longer the same as before, and the living environment has changed a lot, it is not a matter of money. And I was here, unconsciously, there was an inexplicable sense of intimacy, and I began to like it. I wasn't married to Linda at the time. I always had a feeling that I wanted to stay. Look, no one lures and threatens you with this or that, but I ......"

"It's really hard to be a hero. It is precisely in this way that they are remembered and revered by us ordinary people, who choose a new "faith" and feel like they are betrayed. Mr. Shen, you are torturing yourself, you don't have to think much about all this. ”

"Faith? No, Mr. Writer, you are mistaken, I have never been a member of any party. Yes, except for the Young Pioneers. Do I have faith? Politics, or theology? I do not know. Maybe it's the immigrants of our generation who have always had a sense of being indifferent! No, it should be me. But I'm afraid my next generation will never feel this way again. At most, they know that part of them is coming to China. I will not force them to know China, or to understand China in the future. ”

Then he smiled wryly and pointed to the photo on the fireplace. I smiled a little as well.

"So what made you stay? There has to be a reason and a process. What do you like about the country? It's not material, it's people, I'm right. ”

"And what brought you to this country? Will you come except for your father's reasons? ”

Mr. Shen asked me very calmly.

"Yes." I was quick to say that this was somewhat surprising to him.

"I'll still be here. If I could, in another kingdom they would see me as a sin and an alien, not a fellow man. Although I will be discriminated against by some people here, even if I can't find my father, I can find my own group. ”

"Oh my God! I'm sorry! Mr. Writer! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that! I beg your pardon! Damn, I forgot about it for a while. My brain is a mess! I'm being asked by you! ”

Mr. Shen looked at me with some excitement, he knew that he had inadvertently hurt someone else and hurriedly apologized to me.

"No, no! Don't worry, I'm not angry. It's nothing. Writers! Feelings have to be fragile. ”

I smiled and took the tissue he handed me and said.

"Mr. Writer, I ask you a question. If I told you that I was an American, what would you think of me? ”

I don't know why he said this, and Mr. Shen's tone was a little painful or confused.

"Mr. Shen, do you really value where you belong? In this country, you think about it all the time, and it only makes you worry about yourself. You are the result of history, our history, the history of this country, I really think you are not a sinner, so to speak! What if I say I'm an American? What do you think of me?? In fact, many immigrants who come to this country may have this kind of thought. We will never be able to position ourselves, and this may be the Americans. ”

I made a helpless hand gesture.

"Not bad. However, you don't say that this is our motherland, and my father just went where he shouldn't go. We just were born at the wrong time and in the wrong place. ”

This time, it seems that I was asked, and Mr. Shen seemed to be aware of it. Before I could speak, he hurriedly changed his words.

"Forget it, let's not talk about that. All right! I'll tell you! There's nothing that can't be said about that! It's a pair of lovers. ”

"Lovers? Your wife? Is it for love? I asked.

"You may be surprised, but that's an important point! It was in the autumn of '93. I was thinking about whether to return home or stay, and I was sitting on the grass in Los Angeles Park that day, thinking about it, thinking about it for a long time. Still unable to convince myself, a man and a woman walked into my sight. ”

Hearing Mr. Shen say this, I counted my ears and listened carefully. It feels like there's definitely going to be a story like no other.

"They look like they're in their 20s, younger than me, but they're all new people in love. The man was an African-American, bespectacled, well-mannered man with a few books, while the woman was a white man with lovely blond hair and blue eyes. They sat on the park benches, but they didn't laugh or kiss like the other lovers, or even smile happily, and the woman seemed very sad. His boyfriend handed him a handkerchief and said honestly that I had bought it and that we wouldn't expect to see each other again. Are you still selling peanuts? I knew that day, I, I was doing that very immorally, which was to inadvertently eavesdrop on other people's conversations, and it stands to reason that I should have walked away. But that day I stayed. For some reason, I was staring at the sky. ”

"Understandably, what happened to them?" I asked.

"Understandable? You? I thought you were going to accuse me? Mr. Writer, you don't want to say that this Chinese is really immoral. Mr. Shen smiled and choked on his tea.

"Others will, I won't. Say, I'd love to hear it. It's true. ”

"The women seemed to be crying very sadly, I think it was because of their skin color and race. Her boyfriend didn't say anything, just looked at her, and finally said that fate really plays tricks on people, let's go get something to eat. With that, they left. Then, I watched their backs slowly walk away, watching them walk side by side, I had a very special feeling, no appearance. Watching them leave, although I don't know them, if they can really walk together, I will bless them. I think it's more touching than the princess and prince in the fairy tale. That's it, and then Linda comes. After 5 minutes, I decided to stay, for Linda. ”

After speaking, Mr. Shen took a teacup and drank water.

After listening, I said to him.

"They will accept your blessings and thank you. And they came together later. Bless you Mr. Shen too. ”

"Ha, thank you! How do you know that your feelings and imagination are too rich! Writer. Admire! ”

"No, because, because I'm the African-American young man you saw that day, Mr. Shen. Thank you! ”

Before I could finish my sentence, I heard a snorting sound! "You, you are!? Ahem! ”

I saw his expression embarrassed! Overwhelmed! And still coughing! It seems that he choked on the water enough.

I hurriedly walked over and slapped him on the back!

After a few seconds he was much better, and he sat there with his hair flutes. "Oh my God! This world is so small, grandpa is right, when the world is big, you can't think of it, and when you are small, you will be full of wrestling! ”

Suddenly! He asked me very seriously!

"What kind of clothes is the man wearing! What a hairstyle for women! What shoes are they wearing!! ”

I smiled and told him not to get excited, and answered his questions one by one, and he quieted down.

"I really didn't expect it, I didn't expect it! There is a fate to meet thousands of miles away, we are really fateful! ”

I turned off the tape recorder and sat on the deck chair in the garden, looking at the stars in the night sky, and before I knew it, it was 2025, and I really missed the conversation with Mr. Shen that day. Later, when I was learning Chinese, I learned the word "confidant" again.

"Fate" in Chinese is such a wonderful word. It seems that I asked Mr. Shen to stay, and I didn't tell him that a few days later I was beaten up by a group of 3 Klux Klans because of my wife's skin color. My wife yelled at them in a language they didn't understand and called the police to arrest them. Yes, she was like me, we came here together, and when we met, she was white in this country and I was a.

In Mr. Shen's eyes, I will always be a writer with glasses and a writer.