In the endless darkness and silence, there is not a single light in sight, the cold surrounds me and locks me in the abyss of pain, I am waiting to be redeemed, and the familiar nursery rhyme of childhood rings in my ears:

Who killed the robin?

It's me, said the sparrow,

With my bow and arrows,

I killed the robin.

Who saw him die?

It's me, said the fly,

With my little eyes,

I saw him die.

Who took his blood?

It's me, the fish said,

With my little saucer,

I took his blood......

Who killed the robin? Is it a sparrow? My head began to hurt again, and a young and helpless face slowly appeared in front of me, his eyes were clean and clear and seemed to be able to penetrate the deepest desires of the human heart, pretending to be indifferent and making it difficult to approach, but nevertheless, what I could not forget the most was his desperate look when he asked me for help:

"Teacher Yang, I'm sorry, I really can't hold on anymore."

"Teacher Yang, thank you, I can finally stop being in so much pain."

The next moment, the blood spread and stained his white and blue striped school uniform, and my heart was torn again, and the cells in my body were about to boil and explode, and the pain was so painful that I couldn't breathe. No! It's not what I want! By no means!

2. Three months ago, I missed the preparation exam because of some things and became a substitute teacher at a high school in Linshui City. My life has been like this since I was a child, there is no smooth sailing, and there is no shining point, I thought that I would be so ordinary in the future and will spend the second half of my life on the spot, work at the right age, get married at the right time, and everything will go according to the plan until I am old and my life is over. However, on the first day of work, I happened to meet He Jiachen, who was beaten to the ground by a group of students wearing the same school uniform in the alley near the school, he had obvious abrasions on his forehead, blood spilled from the corners of his mouth, but he did not beg for mercy at all, and even after seeing me, he did not ask for help, his eyes were full of stubbornness and resistance, and it was also at that moment that my life without waves began to change.

Seeing a group of people fighting near the school, I, as a professional teacher, was filled with resentment and surprise in my heart, and instinctively ran over and shouted, "Stop! What class are you from? Dare to fight near the school, not afraid of being punished? ”

Maybe my voice frightened them, or maybe I could tell from what I said and what I was dressed that I was a teacher at this school, and the group of students fled quickly, and the beaten teenager got up from the ground, wiped the corners of his mouth, and without saying a word, picked up his bag and got up to leave.

I stopped him: "Classmate, what's your name?" Which class was the student who hit you just now, I'm a new teacher, what can you tell me, and the teacher will help you solve it. ”

And he ignored me and walked away without looking back, which gave me a deep sense of frustration and powerlessness not to be appreciated. Inevitably criticized for being late on the first day of work, I humbly accepted the criticism while admitting my mistake and promising that I would never make such a low-level mistake again next time.

Because the Chinese teacher of the first (third) class of high school was on maternity leave, and because I did not have a staff, I was temporarily assigned her position. Walking out of the office, I thought about how to introduce myself when I met with the students, and as soon as I walked out of the door, I saw the head teacher criticizing a student: "When you first entered this school, you came with the first grade in your age, and the school attaches great importance to you, and it can also be said that you have attracted much attention. If you are late for class every day and don't talk about it, and you still fight, you can't study as hard as before? ”

I glanced at it, and found that it was a little familiar, and when I looked closely, it turned out to be the student who had been beaten in the morning, so I stepped forward and accosted the head teacher: "I saw this student in the morning, he seems to have some special circumstances."

I didn't say it right away because I might face punishment when it came to fighting, and the boy looked up at me with some surprise in his eyes.

"Of course, special students have special circumstances." The head teacher muttered, sent him back to the class, and then turned around and said to me earnestly: "Xiao Yang, I heard that you have studied psychology, you have time to observe him more, try to communicate, He Jiachen is a good seedling of learning, but I don't know how to become what I am today, alas." A long sigh expressed his helplessness.

Through the conversation with the head teacher, I learned that the boy's name is He Jiachen, the junior high school grades are very good, with the first grade in the city to enter this kind of high school, at the beginning of the fine, the learning attitude is the model of the whole grade, I don't know what caused him to start tired of school, not close to people, often late for class, but also with classmates fighting, contact parents and no response, half a year completely changed a person.

Walking into the class and looking around, He Jiachen sat alone in the last row of the class, with tall textbooks piled up like a wall, announcing four words to people: Don't come near me. He was the only one in the wall, and no one else could get in, and he couldn't get out. His emaciated and cold figure made me see a sense of loneliness.

After preparing for class in the evening, my mother brought me a glass of warm milk, and she knew that I didn't sleep well, so she prepared a glass of milk for me every day before going to bed, saying that it would help me sleep. God knows I didn't like milk at all growing up, but to put her at ease, I took it every time and drank it all the time, and then she left with an empty cup contented. After she left, I secretly took out the headache medicine and took two pills, because my head began to hurt in the dead of night, which was the sequelae left over from the early years, and it became more and more serious as the years accumulated, and only taking medicine could relieve the pain a little. It's just that I'm afraid that my mother will know and worry about me again, so I have been hiding it from her.

Lying on the bed without the slightest sleepiness, his mind was full of things about He Jiachen, his stubborn eyes that were knocked to the ground but did not beg for mercy, his lonely back of refusing to be outside, what was the reason why an excellent student in the past became an indifferent teenager? Many doubts were hidden in my mind, and there was an irresistible attraction that guided me to pay attention to him.

2. "Teacher Yang, he's just a freak, he doesn't appreciate anyone who treats him well, now no teacher wants to care about him except you, the head teacher has given up on him, you don't care, save yourself from being upset." The class representative told me seriously.

I handed her the corrected homework book and made an amiable and exemplary appearance: "Li Si, your idea is not right, now you are in a specific stage of student development, and your personality has great instability and plasticity, every student has development potential, maybe He Jiachen has done something wrong, as long as we work together to help him and guide him, I believe he will change." ”

"I'm sorry, Mr. Yang, I know it's wrong."

The little girl of fifteen or sixteen could not stand the criticism, her face was as red as a ripe tomato, and her head was buried low. I immediately regretted seeing her like this, I should not have spoken so harshly if I knew I wouldn't have said it so harshly.

After a while from school, I packed up the papers I had sorted out for my colleagues and put them on their desks in turn, and then silently locked the door of the office meeting and prepared to go back.

Walking out of the school gate, a thin shadow under the street lamp was stretched very long, the wet schoolbag on the ground was stained with mud, and the moment he looked at He Jiachen, his eyes quickly dodged, in order to prevent him from escaping again, I chased after him and grabbed his arm: "Are you being bullied again?" Who did this to you? Why not rebel? ”

"You don't have to." He tried to break away from me, his words cold.

"I'm your teacher, of course I have to take care of it!" My tone was full of firmness, and my hand tightened tighter, for fear of being accidentally slipped away by him.

"Everyone says that you are the kindest and most popular good teacher, but do you really think of yourself as a virgin? You're just a coward! ”

I was stunned by what he said, the first time someone said that about me, why did he say that about me?

"You still wear long sleeves on such a hot day, are you hot?" He suddenly changed his cold attitude and looked at me with disgust.

I quickly withdrew my hand, pulled my sleeve, looked at the changeable little ghost in front of me, and smiled helplessly: "I like to wear long sleeves, can't I?" ”

Breaking the awkward atmosphere, I can finally communicate normally, a relaxed and pleasant environment is more suitable for opening up and chatting, this is the first time I take students to a noodle restaurant to eat noodles, inexplicably I feel like a mother, this feeling is really terrible.

"Can you tell me who those people who bully you a lot now?" I asked as he took the last bite of beef noodle soup.

"I don't know, I don't know."

"How is that possible? Why should someone bully you for no reason? "I was shocked and incredulous.

"Do you also think that I was at fault in the first place, deliberately causing trouble, so I was bullied by others?" He Jiachen's face became indifferent again.

"No, that's not what I meant, maybe there's something wrong with my expression, don't misunderstand." I began to feel empty, filled with guilt.

Why did the class isolate you? If everybody is like that, you should wonder if it's your problem. I've heard people say this countless times, don't you think so? ”

"No, I'm sure you're a good boy." For some reason, all language has turned pale at the moment, and I don't know how to salvage the situation so that he will not be prejudiced against me.

"Ugh." A vague sigh spit out of He Jiachen's mouth and slammed into my heart.

"I know you're different from them, from the first day I met you."

The next second he finished speaking, my mood immediately rose from the bottom to the clouds, and there was a sense of lightness that saw the moon through the clouds.

"Do you know why I pay so much attention to you?" I asked.

"Why?" His face was full of doubt, as if he had been longing for answers.

"Because when I see you, I feel like I saw my former self, I live in a single-parent family, and I haven't had a father since I was a child, so when I was a child, I was often bullied by my peers and said that I was a child that no one wanted, and when I saw you being bullied by others, it was like seeing myself when I was a child, and I longed to be protected, so I wanted to protect you, just like protecting myself in childhood."

He Jiachen stared at me, his eyes didn't blink, and something like starlight seemed to be flickering inside.

Later, I slowly learned from He Jiachen that a large part of the reason why his personality became withdrawn was related to family influences, originally he grew up in a warm and harmonious family, and after high school, his parents' relationship gradually broke down, and they often quarreled and divorced. Many times he was writing his homework when he suddenly heard the sound of glass breaking in the living room, either the cup was broken or the vase was broken, and every time he returned home, the atmosphere was so cold that it was like entering an ice cellar, without warmth. So he gradually got tired of studying, and at the same time hoped to get some attention from his parents, but unfortunately the effect was little, he also began to become indifferent, unwilling to contact people, and it was precisely because he was too dazzling before, and then his grades plummeted, coupled with his withdrawn personality, which stimulated those who had long looked at him unpleasantly, at first it was just an isolation in the class, and later evolved into the isolation of a grade or even the entire school. So it's understandable that he doesn't know that those people are bullying him, because every day there are different boring people who want to find something to do.

After learning about the specific situation, I made a report on "school violence" and submitted it to the school, which also attracted the attention of the school leaders, and successively carried out activities to resist school violence in the school, popularized relevant legal knowledge to all students in the school, and strengthened the management of school bullying incidents in the school.

I tried to contact He Jiachen's parents a few times to explain the situation, and his parents also made a difference, and with my encouragement, He Jiachen gradually became brave, knew how to resist and protect himself, and his grades also improved. Everything is slowly getting better.

3. "Mr. Yang, I have a question for you. ”

"What's the problem?"

"What's the matter with your wrist?"

I knew that I couldn't escape his discerning eyes after all, so I looked at him with a smile: "Don't be afraid to say it. ”

"Hmm." He Jiachen looked at me with a determined look in his eyes.

"Teacher Yang is a coward who once committed suicide, because he didn't dare to cut too hard because he was afraid of death."

I saw He Jiachen's eyes widen unconsciously, obviously surprised.

Yes, I'm a coward, too timid to refuse anyone's request, even if it doesn't make sense. I could have refused my colleagues to let them do what they were supposed to do, instead of bullying me as an unprepared person. I could have refused my mother's bedtime milk instead of spitting it up with nausea. I can be myself, why do I have to follow the rules and be cautious and be a good person in other people's mouths? Because I was afraid that others would be disappointed in me, because I was the most pitiful person, the one who wanted to be saved the most, who was obviously not the life I wanted, who was tired of wanting to die, but who did not dare to slash the dagger through my wrist, I was afraid of leaving my mother alone in the world. The kind of suffering that I endure every day and night, trying to escape the pain of life every moment, like thousands of ants tearing at my heart, I long for someone who can take me out of this darkness, but waiting day after day can only last longer despair. So I went to study psychology, hoping to find a way from it, but found that I could enlighten everyone, but I couldn't save myself, until I met He Jiachen, I wanted to protect him, just like I have been longing for someone to stand up to protect myself, he is the light in my life, he is my only hope, seeing him I seem to see the helpless self.

"Teacher, I think you may have depression, although you greet everyone with a smile every day, but I know you are unhappy."

God knows how much I want to cry when he says that, I'm not happy, only he can see that I'm not happy, it's just that the people around me don't allow me to be unhappy, I try to pretend to be happy in order not to disappoint them, I have never dared to face such a negative and pessimistic self, like a patient, no, I may be a patient.

"Teacher Yang, do you know that you are like a light in my life to me, giving me hope when I was most desperate. So I want you to be true to yourself. ”

"No, you are my hope, my light." I couldn't help but hold the kind boy in front of me and burst into tears.

4. Later, I applied for resignation from the school, and I decided to face myself calmly, although I already knew that I had depression, but I was still shocked when the notice came down, and I was severely depressed.

I've never been so easy as I am now, I don't have to disguise myself anymore, I don't have to live carefully, my pain can finally be seen by others.

Mom hugged me hard, her voice trembling, "I'm sorry, baby, you worked so hard." ”

I took a deep breath and slowly spit it out, not wanting to say a word.

In the endless darkness and silence, there is not a single light in sight, the cold surrounds me and locks me in the abyss of pain, I am waiting to be redeemed, and the familiar nursery rhyme of childhood rings in my ears:

Who killed the robin?

It's me, said the sparrow,

With my bow and arrows,

I killed the robin.

Who saw him die?

It's me, said the fly,

With my little eyes,

I saw him die.

Who took his blood?

It's me, the fish said,

With my little saucer,

I took his blood......

Who killed the robin? Is it a sparrow? My head began to hurt again, and a young and helpless face slowly appeared in front of me, his eyes were clean and clear and seemed to be able to penetrate the deepest desires of the human heart, pretending to be indifferent and making it difficult to approach, but nevertheless, what I could not forget the most was his desperate look when he asked me for help:

"Teacher Yang, I'm sorry, I really can't hold on anymore."

"Teacher Yang, thank you, I can finally stop being in so much pain."

I desperately reached out to grab him, and finally found that the person who grabbed him actually had the same face as me, it turned out that the person who had been wanting to give up his life was me, and He Jiachen was standing in the sun looking at me.

It's time to wake up from the dream.