Chapter 145: The Beat of Life
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Life is like an electrocardiogram, and if there are no waves, it means that you are dead.
I know that many things are inevitable, and if the joke of fate causes me to run into something terrible, then I must learn to understand. Crying, and then relieving, crying does not mean that I am fragile, just like the way a boy smokes, drinks and clubs, just vent! If I am afraid of falling and I have never dared to walk, then what is the use of my feet?
I want to change myself, but by no means to make myself cold-blooded and ruthless. I know I'm a stupid girl who is not smart enough, and I am also a person who can't let go, but I still feel that I am at least a real person, not pretending, not pretentious, not smart, immature, I know that I am stupid, and I also know that people who are too real can no longer adapt to this society, full of lies, suspicion, hatred, rejection, hypocrisy, and countless entanglements of interests, everything scares me, so I don't know who else I can trust except myself and my parents, brothers and sisters? I dare not speak, I will lose too much talk, so I expect to turn myself into a taciturn person, into a mute who can talk.
I'm not afraid of being hurt, since I was a child, hurt me but it's a common thing, just hide in the dark and cry and get drunk, no one will care about me. I don't even care about myself, who cares about me? My heart is already scarred, what else can I lose? It's not that I have nothing, it's that I never had it. It's time to look down, it's time to get tired, it's time to die, everything doesn't matter......
I don't care how many people don't care about me, as long as I'm worthy of the conscience of heaven and earth, right? If I think wrong, then I can afford to lose, and even if I lose my life, I will not hesitate. The result of caring too much can only be that I am cheap by myself, no matter how good I am to others, people who don't understand me only think that I am meddling. It's not that others will thank you if you do it, many times many things are thankless, so many times I haven't learned to be good, haven't I learned to be selfish?
After all these years, I'm still that stupid girl. I work hard every day to enlighten and amuse myself, precisely because I am a sentimental person. My friend said why are you unhappy every day, I know that I am not happy and I am also a mediocre person, I am constantly competing with myself, and I feel that I am not good enough. I cried all the time, and it became a habit to cry too much, and I would shed tears at every turn. I gritted my teeth and didn't want to cry, but I found it even more uncomfortable to hold it in my heart, because I didn't know who I could talk to, for fear that my family would be worried about pretending to be strong, and others would not dare to believe in it, so I couldn't dig out my heart and lungs. Why is it so hard to want a simple friendship, pure feelings, simple trust?
If I can help others achieve a certain goal, even if they are used, what can I do? In terms of some kind of benefit, I should be glad that I have the value of being used. If one day I don't even have any use value, doesn't that prove that I am really a useless person? This real society is originally an era of mutual use, and is there any pure friendship? Maybe there is, but I haven't encountered it, and when I encounter it, I don't dare to believe it. Life is very realistic, people are meant to be mutually beneficial, and whoever can achieve the greatest benefits is the real winner.
I was wondering where I would go if I disappeared one day? Is there really a world waiting for me to report to work? I was so scared and wanted to escape, not because I wasn't strong, but because I was really disheartened by everything! I couldn't mourn more than die!
What I'm afraid of is that I don't know what else I can believe in, what to hold onto, what to pursue, and some of the things I once believed in have left me......
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