By the time I typed this line, it was more than halfway through the afternoon.

Today, where there were many hopes placed on yesterday, what we get is an even more uncomfortable confusion.

I lived in fear.

Let's start with something closer. Before the summer vacation, I promised that I would write a good book during the summer vacation, I would update it steadily, I would update it twice, and then - and then this is the case, in fact, it is very simple, in a word, I am lazy, I am decadent, I do not work hard, I do not want to forge ahead.

But now that these words have been typed, I have been rambling to say more things in my heart.

The reason I lived in fear was that for the first time, I had doubts about my future.

When I was very young, in the fifth grade, I first determined my future dreams, in my second year of junior high school, I started writing novels for the first time, and four years ago, I put novels online for the first time...... There are many firsts, and it looks like I'm getting closer and closer to my dreams, but the truth is that I've fallen into the abyss, or is the dream already in the abyss—

I can't tell the difference.

Two years ago was a turning point.

I graduated from high school that year, and I was in school for two years in high school and junior year of high school, and my writing was intermittent, and I was praised and won some honors, so I thought that as long as I graduated from high school, I began to write online articles seriously, which was the dragon into the sea, and the peng flew in the sky, and later-

Later on, I'm sure most people can guess, because most of the facts are true.

In the next three months, the day after the end of the college entrance examination, I began to write essays, unprecedented efforts, unprecedented seriousness, 6,000 a day is completely unfinished feeling, but unfortunately, the first book, 130,000, failed to sign the contract, collapsed; the second book of 130,000, still failed to sign.

Later, there were many, many things, which can be summed up as a kid who learned a little bit of three-legged cat kung fu and went out to challenge the top masters, but was beaten to the ground and had no power to fight back, this is the truth.

Looking back now, it's not so cruel and sad, I just don't understand, I thought that if I really had a day to write, I would write down all the words in my heart, whether it was right or wrong, but now it doesn't matter, the dry leaves that gradually burned out were ravaged by the cold wind a hundred times, and became numb, I was not worn off by reality, I just filled the gap between the edges and corners with hypocrisy, once I couldn't bear it, the sharp edges and corners would be unreservedly displayed, hurting others, or hurting myself again.

Yes, if you are not tactful, how can the edges and corners only hurt others and not yourself?

But I'm willing to keep it, even if it's wrapped up in hypocrisy.

It's a bit of nonsense, but then again, it's still a sentence -

While my writing skills gradually improved, I also slowly lost my original passion, and I was no longer the boy who rushed forward bravely, but was replaced by a hateful person who grasped the life-saving straw and struggled, praying that I could continue to see the water world.

Why are there so many people in this world who bury their pen halfway through the book?

I don't think there is anyone who doesn't cherish the words they have worked so hard to write, and give up halfway, maybe because they are not persistent enough, maybe they are not tenacious enough, but perhaps, more because they can't see hope.

This is not difficult to understand, put it in life, put it in reality, a small thing, you can understand what kind of feelings these authors are also human beings.

I'm sorry I broke my word, but now every word I say, I am a little afraid, I am afraid that I will not be able to complete it, I am afraid that I will lie to the world again, lie to myself, I am already a person who lies a lot, but I hope that others can trust, just like good people and bad people, in fact, the most lacking thing in this world may be understanding.

Even pigs and dogs have affection, let alone people?

Saying these words, I didn't actually come to hope for everyone's forgiveness, I just had a lot of feelings and a lot of past wells up in my heart.

I thought of the "Swordsman" that I was not recognized because I was too literate, and I was ruthless in my heart, holding tears and gritting my teeth to write the "Preface", such sincere emotions, I don't know if I can have any more words in the future, but how can I live up to it?

For so long, I have to admit that I didn't insist enough, and count it carefully-

The first pen name: Wine and Idle Pavilion.

The first book "Void Moon Xuanlong", August 2011, classical Xianxia, 130,000 words;

The second book, The Legend of Qing Hong, September 2011, Literature, 30,000 words;

The third book, "Fengyue", October 2011, romance, 30,000 words.

Because I don't understand the rules and want to know an author, I left QQ in the book review area, and my account was blocked.

The second pen name: Yihong Wenyue

The first book, "Morning Fall", January 2012, romance, 130,000 words;

The second book, "Qing Shu" (rewritten by Fengyue), January 2012, romance, 50,000 words;

The third book, Zheng Yu (rewritten by Qing Hongji), January 2012, literature, 30,000 words;

Because the second year of high school promised his parents to seal the pen in the third year of high school, they all stopped changing.

The third pen name: Ruofeng is like snow

"The Tang Princess in the City", February 2013, urban ability, 50,000 words.

The winter vacation of the third year of high school was written in violation of the promise, and after the winter vacation, it was interrupted.

The fourth pen name: Gu Chen

The first book "Hidden Immortals Beyond Kyushu", June 2013, classical Xianxia, 130,000 words.

The second book "Big City", (also known as "The Righteous and the Evil", "The School Flower Bodyguard of the Seventeen-year-Old Principal"), in July 2013, the urban ability, 130,000 words, could not be signed, so the third book was written.

The third book, "The Hidden Immortal of the Great Immortal" (rewritten of "The Hidden Immortal Beyond Kyushu"), at the end of August 2013, classical Xianxia, 60,000 words.

The fourth book, "The Warmest Snowflake", September 2013, romance, 200,000 words, ended, signed for the first time, not a penny received.

The fifth book "Hidden Immortals" ("Hidden Immortals Beyond Kyushu" re-written), January 2014, classical Xianxia, 270,000 words, unable to be put on the shelves, temporarily abandoned.

The sixth book "Kyushu Swordsman", September 2014, Oriental Fantasy, 270,000 words, is being updated.

I have lost count of how many promises I have broken and how many people have lost their trust, and as I said above, I am a hateful man who lies a lot.

However, I have tried hard as a person who has no persistence, but after hard work, as for now, I am finally shaken.

I doubt that I can't survive by writing, I suspect that I don't have the talent to write at all, I doubt that I can fulfill my original dream, I doubt that I can only doubt after all.

I doubted, and I lived in fear.

I once thought that the so-called dream is the existence of zài that cannot be abandoned.

Now I'm thinking about how I can survive without writing.

This doesn't seem bad, at least it can completely separate itself from money and ensure her purity, but when I think about it, what else can I rely on if I don't make money from writing?

It's contradictory......

But it's easy to think about.

Often seemingly complex problems, seemingly complex ideas, the causes are very simple, just like this complicated world, only one truth is followed.

Call...... It's useless to complain.

People say, if you are poor, you think, you think, you change, you change, you know, you are smart. I don't know, but it's definitely time to change.

There should be some small expectations - I hope that I will work hard and no longer slack off, and I also hope that there will be more and more friends who like my books, and "Knifeman" can be promoted.

Don't waste the remaining month. You should remember that one day's peace is a great disaster for hundreds of years.

——Gu Chen, August 30, 2015