I am an anxiety and depression patient.

My name is Shi Chuan, and today I am seventeen... Oh no, it should be sixteen, because my seventeenth birthday hasn't arrived yet.

I was supposed to be a junior in high school, but last year I took a semester off because of my health, so I'm now a sophomore in high school.

But the girl who was supposed to sit in the classroom and play with her classmates just wanted a dim little house and left me alone.

Sometimes I wonder how good it would be if I fell asleep and slept forever.

I was sick and everyone thought I was sick for physical reasons, or that I was faking my illness.

However, in a backward small county, there was no professional psychiatrist, and I went to the hospital to do all the tests, and all the tests showed that I was not sick, but my physical symptoms, telling me, and telling my parents and doctors, that I was indeed sick, the kind of illness that affected my daily life.

I hiccups every day, I couldn't even say a full sentence, and I've been going on for three years in a row, and each time I've been cured and re-incured, healed and re-incured......

And every time I can't eat, every day I am very tired, I already feel like I'm dead, I'm drifting away, but when I open my eyes, I'm still the same me.

I spend every day between being in a daze and drinking Chinese medicine.

In the past three years, my family has taken me to many hospitals, and when I heard that there was a good doctor, I ran as soon as possible, but there was no cure.

Even my parents, who didn't believe in superstition, began to take me to the goddess for treatment, and the money was spent like water...... My illness did not improve at all.

My little grandfather and many relatives advised my parents to look far away.

Even if it doesn't work well, their responsibilities and obligations are all over.

The heart no longer has to be carried every day, running here and there.

Others say that Akyo Hospital in City A is the best hospital.

And they consulted to go to city a.

But I don't want to go, and it costs money like water to go, and even in big cities, there will be more people, and I really can't stand it.

"I don't want to go to the doctor, I'm really not sick, I hate hospitals." I cried.

"Let's go and see it first, if it's really not sick, let's go to City A for a round." Besides, your uncle has already made arrangements, wouldn't it be a waste of his hard work if you didn't go? "Chen Lin, that is, my mother's bitter persuasion.

"But, Mom, I really don't want to go." I thought, it takes money to see a doctor, and the high-speed rail ticket is quite expensive, and it will cost more than 1,000 yuan for three people to go together, and if you really want to stay in City A to see a doctor, I don't know how much it will cost......

"The ticket is ready." My dad Shi Lei's words blocked all the way out.

I had to pack my things and take the high-speed train to City A.

Looking at the full carriage and the seats that weren't with my parents, the fear in my heart drove me to cry, to tremble, and even to lose my strength completely, but I couldn't let anyone see that something was wrong with me.

So I could only hold back the fear in my heart and sit in my seat.

Maybe God is on my side, and there is an old man sitting next to me, who is just sleeping along the way, and I am sitting stiffly like a puppet.

After six or seven hours of driving, I felt like I could fill a drink bottle with sweat in my hands.

I didn't drink the milk tea my mother made, and I didn't eat the bread my dad gave me.

Then they brought out my favorite candy, and I just sat there and didn't eat it.

The platform passed one after another, and the people in the seats next to me changed one after another, and my heart also lifted again and again.

By the time I arrived at the station, I had completely lost my strength, and I could only hold my father's arm to pretend to be a normal person.

On the occasion of the new crown, checking, temperature measurement, registration, scanning code, and ring after ring.

The unfamiliar city, the crowd walking by me, frightened me again and again, I didn't even know what I was afraid of.

Looking at the railing between the high-speed rail station and the subway station, listening to the loud noises, and all kinds of people running past, I just wanted to escape.

My tears fell involuntarily, wetting my clutching my dad's sleeve.

When they see my tears, they just think I'm hypocritical.

I've told them more than once before that I'm afraid of crowded places and I hate being in crowds.

But my parents said that I didn't have missing arms or legs, nor did I have a brain, so why can't I see people.

What they didn't know was that I saw the crowd, I saw strangers and even my aunt and aunt, and that sense of near-death made me fall to the ground again and again, and I didn't even know what consciousness was.

I said I didn't like to go outside, I liked to be alone in a small dark space, and my mom said I might as well find a mouse hole instead of that.

I sometimes wonder if I could really get into the rat hole, why would I be in this bright and dazzling world.

I just feel that there is a small space for me to stay alone until the end of the day, or to leave this time.

Sometimes I feel like time outside is like a huge, invisible monster that will devour me bit by bit when I'm out of my safe zone, making it worse for me to live than die.

When I arrived at the gate of the hospital in City A, it was already dark, although there were security guards guarding the green code passages, but the crowd at the entrance of the hospital was still black, and the non-stop honking of cars on the road made me want to escape, but I had to be patient, my fists were already clenched and could not be tightened, my legs had no strength at all, and my mind was only buzzing and the desire to escape.

But everything didn't go my way, and my dad took me by the hand and walked through the green channel into the hospital.

Because their friends also have family members who are hospitalized in this hospital, they have made an appointment to take us to the hospital first.

In the hospital in the evening, it was the time of the meal, and the people on the path rubbed shoulders and feet, and the black cover pressed over me made me breathless.

At that time, I was like a man who was about to suffocate, my steps were floating, my knees were beating like a small hammer, as if I was forcing me to fall, and the muscles of my calves were constantly beating, and my legs seemed to be no longer mine.

My palms were sweaty, but I had to hold on tightly, and then I clung to my dad like an octopus.

My head was buzzing as if to say, get out of here, don't be here, get out of here......

I could only close my eyes, hold my dad tightly, and then follow my mom like a thief, eager to block the black cover that was pressing on me, but I was just deceiving myself, covering my ears and stealing the bell...... It doesn't work at all.

At this point, I just want to find a hole to hide......

My parents' friends took us to the hospital cafeteria for dinner, and when we had the meal, the restaurant was full of people, and there were not many colors of clothes to wear in winter, most of the cotton clothes were black, like a black wave that wanted to rush at me and drown me......

I barely ate a bite of the jajangmyeon that my dad bought for me, and I couldn't even look at it.

I looked at the rice and smelled the mix of food in the restaurant and I just felt sick.

In order to save money, Mom and Dad only stayed in a small hostel hidden in a small alley that was noisy and full of street vendors' shouts, and it looked quite dirty, only 50 yuan a day and a night.

Climbing up the narrow staircase, you will see the second-floor registration desk, where white sheets are tossed to the floor, next to an old-fashioned washing machine that is trying to stir up.

The sink next to the washing machine looks more like a sink for pouring dirty water.

After registering, we climbed up to the room we chose on the third floor, and as soon as the door opened, a strange smell came to my nose, as if the foot that I had taken off after wearing inferior leather shoes was sour and wet...... Anyway, it's a particularly unpleasant smell that can't be explained and can't be explained.

After lying on the bed, in addition to the strange smell, there are also overly soft mattresses, pillows that seem to have no pillows, and quilts that cover the body excessively......

Everything wants to get me out of ......

Although our family's economic conditions are not good, my parents have never treated us badly when they are dressing and eating.

Just like my mother said, we were pampered and raised.

At their time, when I was my age, she was already working to earn money to support the family, and when she was at home, she had to feed chickens, pigs, sheep, cows, and cook for the eight or nine members of the family.

I wanted to refute, but I didn't dare, so I could only be silent......

What I want to say is that it is true that food and clothing have not treated me badly, but I am also very miserable.

I'm the eldest in the family, and I have a younger brother and a younger sister, so I have to take them.

When I was a child, my parents worked outside almost all the time, and only my grandparents took us, but sometimes my grandparents and grandma needed to go to the fields to see the wheat seedlings, weed, and see the growth of the crops......

When I was younger, they took me, pulled my sister, and pushed my brother in a stroller.

By the time I got older, I had already watched my grandmother cook, and had started to wash the family's lighter clothes.

By the time I was in fifth grade, I was already able to cook some simple meals, and I would take a small stool and stool with my sister in the backyard to do my own laundry.

At that time, when my grandparents went to the fields, I would take good care of my younger siblings, and then cook and wait for them to come back and eat together.

I also do a good job of housework at home, and I actually do a lot.

But I couldn't speak, so I could only be silent......

From getting on the high-speed train to now lying on the bed that I resist, I have eaten almost nothing, but I don't feel hungry.

I just felt like a puppet, or a robot that had been turned off.

I could only look at the crowd with timid eyes, I wanted to open more, I wanted to escape, but I couldn't move, I could only stay there, or listen to the instructions like a robot, and then fall close to my father, like a large pendant, and follow him.

I would love to sleep, to fall asleep forever, to close my eyes forever and ever.

I want to be a person exiled by memory, I want to lose my memory, forget those forever.

But I can only think about it......

I can't be cut off from this earth......

I can't even run to the sea that leads to death without hesitation.